pdx Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 I had an opportunity a few weeks ago to engage in an affair with a friend/coworker. I didn't, but am having a real hard time with how I feel about the situation. Is it normal after declining an opportunity for an affair to have strong feelings that you should have gone through with it? I feel like I will always wonder what could have been, but I also feel guilty for the situation. I can't decide if it's because I got into it in the first place, or because I wanted to, but didn't want to face the consequences. Is this normal?
Andy L Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 But surely you would feel bad if have had the opposite. You are curious for it. Once cheated on your partner, you regret the meeting. My counseling? Don't do it. (Besides "counseling" don't work so well if someone wants to prove the taste of the "Greener Grass").
Author pdx Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 Thanks, Andy. I travel a lot for work, so there have been other opportunities to be unfaithful. None have ever made me second guess myself - that's why this feels so bizarre.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 I had an opportunity a few weeks ago to engage in an affair with a friend/coworker. I didn't, but am having a real hard time with how I feel about the situation. Is it normal after declining an opportunity for an affair to have strong feelings that you should have gone through with it? it is normal for someone that is more than capable of cheating. not normal for someone that loves and respects their significant other. I feel like I will always wonder what could have been then maybe a committed relationship is not for you. but I also feel guilty for the situation. I can't decide if it's because I got into it in the first place, or because I wanted to if you didn't want to, you wouldn't be thinking about wondering what could have been and thinking that you should have done it. So yes, you wanted to.
Thaddeus Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 "Normal" is how you define it and it's a judgement call. What's normal for one person isn't necessarily normal for another. You did the right thing by declining. Sure, there's a very real sense of what you may have missed out upon, but contrast that with the potential bad feelings that might prevail if you actually had gone ahead with it.
Athena Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Your thinking about it as a 'lost opportunity' is dangerous. More than likely, that obsessive thinking will lead to daydreaming about him in a sexual manner, and will lead to your Accepting a sexual tryst with him the next time an opportunity presents itself... and... is that what you really want? Do you want to cheat on your partner? Do you want to devalue yourself? Do you want to incorporate an unwanted action into your permanent History? For future partners, you will, if you wish to be Truthful with them, tell them you are a Cheater. Do you think they will be likely to want to trust you? It's just not worth it. Don't do it. It's making you Less Than, it is NOT an 'opportunity' to score something, but a test of your character, willpower, values, and integrity.
seibert253 Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Had plenty of opportunities before and after my FWW strayed. The thought only crossed my mind a few times, but I remained faithful. My wife and family outweigh a few moments of physical pleasure. Maybe this is wrong, but after my wife's infidelity, I make it a point to tell her if the opportunity arrises. Showed her the phone number I got the other day at the gym. I guess this is my way of reminding her I'm committed to our family, even with what she did. But, it also reminds her I still am in control of MY life.
LifesontheUp Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 You mentioned other opportunities before but it never bothered you. Is it different this time because its a friend/co worker? Are you emotionally attached to them in some way?
Lizzie60 Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Yes it's very normal to feel 'intrigued' by the situation. It is very exciting to know that people are attracted to us.. Let's take a guy, who never cheated on his wife, because he didn't feel 'secure' about it.. but then one day, out of the blue, a nice woman flirts with him.. and open the 'door' to an A... Let me tell you that if he had no intention of cheating.. then this time.. he will definitely feel different about it.. Maybe he never initiated it.. but if he's got a golden opportunity.. he will be extemely excited about it, intrigued..and he may not be able to stop 'fantasizing' and thinking about it.. A lot of men then give in to cheating when an opportunity like that arrises.
Thaddeus Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 A lot of men then give in to cheating when an opportunity like that arrises. Oh, it's not just men. One of my very best friends, who happens to be female, says that affairs are a simple algebraic equation: Desire + Opportunity = Affair. She knows through experience, having been both the OW and BS. Personally, I think it says a lot about character - none of it good - if that's all it takes. But that's a judgement call on my part which, I know, isn't really appropriate.
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