batterup788 Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Hey all, New to the forum and thought I would post my story and just get some feedback. Long story short started law school this past year, and started seeing a classmate, she was 21 and I was 23. In October we got together and a few days later she told me she had a long distance BF, and that she was with me now, had been wanting to breakup with him for awhile, and to just give her some time and she would do it (this is late October). A few weeks later we start sleeping together, no mention of the BF, everything is great. Holiday break rolls around and we are both going to be away and back home for a month, her where her ex was, so we have a discussion, essentially I say that though we aren't officially bf/gf I am committed to you and won't be seeing other people over the break... she says she feels the same way, but that she will have to "see" the guy. Tidbit of info about the guy, they had dated for a little over a year, he was 31, hate to sound shallow but not particularly attractive, no college degree, had an 8 year old kid, and had no job... also generally treated her like crap. Whereas me, consider myself to be a relatively attractive, 23 year old, law student, treated her really well, everything like that.... but back to the story. So we come back from Xmas break, everything is fine, and about a week later she tells me that since I haven't asked, she dumped the guy and that she wanted to be official with me, so I said fine. This was January, and we had been taking it slow, not hanging out all the time, anything like that. About a month later, she says she wants to be more serious, spend more time together, etc. so I agree. A few weeks later I start to notice she is texting on her phone alot, getting calls or texts at 2am when we are in bed together, stuff like that. So one day I casually ask who she is always texting, and she tells me its her ex... I'm not a jealous person or anything and I didn't get angry about it, but continuous texting with him throughout the day and when we are asleep in bed together, is frustrating. Also frustrating was the fact that even though she said she was done with him and over him and that from her side it was completely friendly, she said he wanted her back. We talked about it, I told her I was fine with her being friends with her ex, and I can't tell her what she can or can't do, but the extent of the communication was a little disturbing and I felt like it was taking away from our relationship. She agreed to cut down on it and things were fine. So about a month later we are loading some pictures of us onto her computer, and I come across some pictures of them, dated throughout the whole christmas break.... come to find out not only did they hang out over the whole break, they also slept together over the whole break, and that she didn't dump him until after the break was over... she said she did nothing wrong because they were technically still together at the time, and that I had never told her to dump him (I was respecting her wishes of just asking for time), and that she and I weren't official, and that she assumed I would just go back home and sleep with other girls, which I did not. I got pretty pissed off, but I really liked the girl so after we had a fight and discussed it, I decided to let it go... the past is the past. So things were going well, after that, they got back to normal, and though he would text or call her, she wasn't responding alot of the time, or she would just delete the message. However he was still trying to win her back, which annoyed me, and the late night calls and texts would continue. However, during exams in early May, we had been studying together for a few hours, she left the room, came back in, and I said come here and give me a kiss... her phone buzzes, she went over and immediately responded to a text...from her ex...he couldn't wait 5 seconds??? Anyway another fight ensued. The situation was also stressed because she had gotten a summer job back home and was going back to live with her parents and work for the summer, and her ex lives about 40 minutes away. Well back to the argument, she told me she thought I was being jealous and insecure about things... and that we weren't connecting that well. In my defense, I never once looked in her phone or through her computer, never once accused her of doing anything, and was chilled out in the way I handled all of the crap to do with him. A few days after the argument she said she felt like she wasn't sure of things, but later said she cared about me and would be stupid to let a guy like me go. A few days later one of her friends comes into town, and they went to dinner, and afterwards my gf and I were going to hang out. So I went over to her place and she is in tears because her ex had been calling her and told her she was a dumb b**** and that law school had made her stupid. And for some reason she insists on keeping someone who treats her like that, and who puts a strain on our relationship, in her life as a friend??? Baffling to me. So anyway I drove her back home before her summer job started, stayed at her house for 5 days, met her family, we all got along great (though I had met her mom before and she really liked me... even gave my gf a pep talk about not talking to the ex over the summer-her parents hated the guy). Also, she was avoiding the town he lived in and wasn't even going to tell him that she was back because he would start trouble. So I leave and come back, and we are doing the LD thing, and stuff seemed to be going well, I had planned to go back to her hometown and stay with her for a few days for a music festival about a month after I left. Everything was fine and then suddenly one day about three weeks into the LDR she asked me if I felt secure in our relationship, which was strange because the day before she was telling me how great and wonderful I was and how she was really happy with everything, I said yes I did, and then she was like I feel like we need a little bit more time and space when I get back into town, and I also said that was fine, as we had been spending alot of time together before she left. The next day we are talking on the phone and mid conversation I hear a clicking noise... about 30 seconds later she comes back and I was like what was that noise? She said she was texting... I asked her if it was her ex and she said yes it was. I got a little bit pissed off that once again... he couldn't wait 10 minutes for her to finish her conversation with me??? So we argue... this is on a Tuesday, and I am supposed to go see her for the Music Festival the following Thursday. Everything goes downhill from there, she says she feels like things have changed, that they are overly weird, and that she needs some time and space, but she still wants me to come down for the music festival and try to have a good time. So she is suddenly acting really distant and weird. But I go down there and pick her up from where she works to take her home... brought flowers and when I gave them to her, didn't even get so much as a hug or a thank you, even after not seeing her for a month. we talked about stuff, and I tried to ignore the situation, but it would keep coming up with things she would say, or how cold she was acting... before the LDR thing we were sleeping together and really affectionate, and suddenly she would hardly kiss me. Things were weird and then on the last day we slept together and had a really great night, I left on a monday morning and came back into town, with the agreement that she can have space and time. So I get back Monday, and on Wednesday she says she wants to take a break, that she still likes me alot and cares for me, and that she thinks things will work out and that we will be fine when she gets back in 6 weeks... oh and one of the terms of the break is that we won't see other people. I said that is fine as long as she is actually going to try to workout her issues and is serious about actually trying when she gets back to town. She said she was and I said ok, so I gave her space and we didn't talk again until the following Monday. Then a friend decides to play a joke on me and call me saying that my gf and her ex are getting back together. I asked her about it... never accused her of anything...and she said that wasn't true and that she didn't believe me and thought I was trying to spy on her or something? This happened on Thursday... the next morning, FB relationship status change from us being in a relationship, to her being single, I talked to her and she said that she didn't consider us together anymore because we are on a break and that things were really messed up. So Sunday, day after the 4th of July comes, and she tells me she doesn't see things working out when she gets back. She said she thought I was a jealous and insecure person and that she had lost her attraction because of that, that she didn't feel like we were connecting very well (I think this is because she was still emotionally available to and not completely over her ex) and that she preferred guys that didn't "give a f***." We talked about it for a few minutes, and have been going NC for 11 days since then. Though I will have to see her when she gets back into town as she has some of my stuff at her apartment, we will have classes together, my roommate and best friend's gf is her roommate next year, and we have the same friends. I'm starting to realize after awhile that she was never really open and attempting to connect with me. He was always in the picture somehow. She said she wanted to be his friend and not lose him, but he was always calling and texting her and trying to get her back, and she claimed it was nothing but that she "liked the attention," that she still cared for him as a friend and that their time together was important and you can't just completely forget and let go of that. I should have seen the red flags I guess while we were dating. But I feel like it was definitely emotional cheating and that I was just a rebound. I really don't know but I still care about her alot and have no clue what I want to do. I'm having a pretty rough time with stuff and I wanted to get input from everyone on here. Thanks for reading the ultra long post and I look forward to any advice you all have. Thanks.
NopeNah Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 You were her "next branch" or rebound, my friend. She used you while never fully letting go of her ex or "previous branch".
Thomas X Forever Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Lol this girl is a mess. Pathetic. Don't trust anything she EVER told you. She most likely has been with him emotionally the entire time. Girls love guys who treat them like ****, because the girls subconsciously view them as superior, as a result. Nice guys get walked all over. Believe me, I have witnessed the psychology of this first hand. I used to be so nice, and got nowhere. Then I said **** it, and **** you. Then had a 100 girls basically. But I hated who I was so I went back to being nice, even if it gets me nowhere.
BCCA Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 She was having her cake, and eating it, too. I've learned that as much as you would like to be 'cool' about stuff like that, you sometimes just have to draw a line in the sand. A woman who was not interested in a guy would NOT bother texting him back all day and night. Also, next time someone says they are 'going to' dump this other guy theyre seeing, you need to simply say, "why not do it right now?" If she balks or makes any excuses, you need to tell her to talk to you when shes actually single and available. What happened is that she never really had to make a decision, so you never really knew who she would pick. Obviously, she was just playing the field, but had little to no intention of being done with this guy for good. I also have to point out her behavior: she was essentially cheating on this guy with you - what makes you think she wouldnt do the same thing to you? In the future, if someone is not 100% single, dont get involved. Simply say you think theyre great and whatever else, but you dont deal with people who are in a relationship. Also, a 'break' = breakup. I highly doubt she was anywhere near serious about HER not seeing other people, but you gave her the piece of mind that you werent. At that point, she had her backup option. If you would have just said 'its all or nothing' you would have found out on the spot what the deal was. Sorry man, she was a selfish one. There are a lot of those out there. Just do what you can to identify red flags for next time, and let this one go.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Btw, you were too concerned with being "cool" and handling it all in a fashion you consider to be mature, enlightened, etc. And that's probably why you have nothing. If you would've fought for her, screamed at her, SHOWED YOU CARED, then I bet this would've had a far different out come. Either way, though, in the end, this would've failed. But at least if you were real, you wouldn't have your tail between your legs because you were too concerned with acting enlightened.
Author batterup788 Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 Hey all, Yeah. I had no clue she was with the guy until after I had gotten involved. There was definitely nothing physical with him after the xmas break because he was 7 hours away, but at the same time I definitely can see and agree with what you all were saying, that she was never really done with him, was prioritizing him over me, and was emotionally cheating on me... not to mention the crap that occurred over the xmas break. Being NC since the breakup 11 days ago has helped me to get a clearer perspective on things, though it still hurts alot. 11 days in it just sucks... but hopefully I will just get my stuff together and move along
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