65tr6 Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I never felt good about making love to 2 people on the same day. I was wondering if anyone felt the same and if so, did you tell your MM the truth about your sexual relationship with your H? op, you may be giving OM a lot more credit than he deserves. He may not care whether you are sleeping with your husband or not. It is not exactly rocket science that if you are married to someone, then chances are you could be having sexual relationships with him/her. No, I am not judging you. Just throwing some common sense out there. Anyway, back to your original question, I asked my wife the same question and her reply was she didn't really care/never really bothered her. Curious, what do you want to do in life ? (didnt read the whole thread). Carry on with what you are doing for now, take it one day at a time ?
65tr6 Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 behavior and "came clean" with all those people I cheated on care to expand on this a bit more ?
boldjack Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 To be honest IN a new relationship, I had to be honest ABOUT the old ones. I contacted every MW I had slept with and apologized to them and the BH's, If they wanted. I was willing to accept the abuse, to be free of all guilt and deceit. It worked. I lost my wife, but that was going to happen anyway. She (ex) is remarried and happy, I am remarried and happy and the other couples have closure. That's all I could do.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Thanks for your advice but I didn't ask for it. ya well i gave it to you. one has to wonder instead of asking the question you did, why you aren't interested in doing the right thing by your husband. honestly, if all you are worried about is whether you feel bad about sleeping with MM and your H, why are you even married? What is stopping you from getting out so you can be free to do whatever you want with whoever you want, and let your husband move on to find someone that will be true to him and love him. he doesn't deserve this.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 The other day, I asked my exMM if he still thought we had a future together. He said he thought about that all the time. I didn't tell him, that I did not think we had a future together. The truth was, I love my H and don't want to leave him. then why ask the question? why are you even in contact at all with MM if the bolded part is to be considered true? I feel a sense of loss for the exMM bc we were close friends but that's taking a backseat to everything else in my life. I can't worry about him. I need to focus on my marriage. how are you doing that and still staying in contact with MM? any efforts at working on the marriage will be submarined if you have any kind of contact with him.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I am putting my H first. That's why I ended the A. then when are you going to stop contacting the OM? When are you going to say goobye forever and never talk to him again? You said you had a little heart to heart with him just "the other day". I don't call that putting your H first. Complete honestly to my H would end in a nightmare. Something I'm not prepared to endure. He has told me, if I ever had an A, to never let him find out. he'll never find out about the next one either. I am deeply remorseful for what I've done. Sorry, if I didn't write it all out for you. The same goes with shame. Of course, I am ashamed of what I've done. Do I need to write that out for you too? This isn't about YOU and I don't need to give you details of my life. the defensiveness shows that you simply don't want to hear the cold hard truth of things....and this attitude is why you found yourself in the position of cheater. but aside from all of that, if you really want to put H first, when are you going to break ALL contact with MM and NEVER contact him or see him again?
Darth Vader Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 My plan is to have total NC with exMM and live my life as it once was but better. I plan on making better choices... continuing with my marriage, showing respect for my H and my marriage and doing the right thing. Plans have a way of changing. Most likely he will find out later in his life and really feel cheated out of his life, like being robbed, only worse, by you! Showing respect for your husband and marriage? That'll be the day! You continue to humiliate and disrepect your husband and your marriage by not divulging the true status of the marriage. Doing the right thing? Doing the right thing would be informing your husband of your lying and cheating. The almost 2 yr A was a huge mistake. I went on an emotional rollarcoaster. In the beginning, exMM & I planned on leaving our spouses in the future. But then my feelings for him and my H changed. My feelings for my exMM became less and less and more and more for my H. Your affair was NO mistake, you can't oops trip, fall, and accidently have sex with someone else, no way possible! So the mistake thingy is also a LIE! You cheated intentionally! I am putting my H first. That's why I ended the A. Complete honestly to my H would end in a nightmare. Something I'm not prepared to endure. He has told me, if I ever had an A, to never let him find out. I am deeply remorseful for what I've done. Sorry, if I didn't write it all out for you. The same goes with shame. Of course, I am ashamed of what I've done. Do I need to write that out for you too? This isn't about YOU and I don't need to give you details of my life. Putting your hubby first? No you're not! You're putting yourself first! You're so selfish! End in a nightmare? Rather ending his nightmare of a bad marriage! You're not prepared to be honest with your husband? More like unwilling. But you sure were prepared to straddle your OM and Ride him him like a bucking bronco, orgasming all the way! Huh? This isn't about YOU and I don't need to give you details of my life. No, it's about you! It's ALL about YOU! Well, you shared this many details about your life, what's a few more? He does deserve better but I won't divorce him. Thanks for your advice! See? You are being selfish! That tells us all, IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU! Your poor husband, no respect, no love, no honesty and sloppy seconds. All true. I'm not denying it. What a piece of work you are, and you seem to be getting off on it! You're truely Pathetic and unremorseful!
65tr6 Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 That's all I could do. Sorry OP to threadjack. boldjack, you know I have to say I am impressed. You did the right thing. You have no idea how far along it goes to apologise to the MW and their husbands. I am looking for no apology or even sympathy from anyone, but to know that there are people out there who are truely remorseful for what they did, i believe it makes the world just a bit better place...specially for little kids... ....i have a six year old son who i think is the miracle being on this universe.
boldjack Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 65, it was a long time ago, but I think that finally overcoming my Narcissistic attitude, and really trying to see all sides of an issue, was what made me a better person.
Athena Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 boldjack, you know I have to say I am impressed. You did the right thing. I know 65, I agree with you-- and that's why I BoldJack Yo Jack, tell me, did any of the BH find out for the first time thru your apology to them, or had they all known about their WW? I am curious as to whether you saw fit to inform any possibly Uninformed BH when you apologized?
boldjack Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Some did, some didn't, but I always asked the MW if they thought it would help their situation, or sometimes if the MW was a confirmed slut.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Some did, some didn't, but I always asked the MW if they thought it would help their situation, or sometimes if the MW was a confirmed slut. And how is that, like, confirmed? Is there a directory out there? GEL
ForumFool Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Hey Underthesun, Good for you on ending the A...to me the fact you ARE sorry sez a lot I wish you well..I would go totally NC with the AP ...maybe see someone to talk over why and how you were so vunerable and also why you have sex when you don't feel like it....I wonder and am NOT asking o a public forum but wondering if you have been sexually abused as a child ..that could very well play into why you have weak boundaries...WISHING YOU MUCH love and success in all areas of your life
Athena Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Some did, some didn't, but I always asked the MW if they thought it would help their situation, or sometimes if the MW was a confirmed slut. Just to clarify -- so some BH were not told (like if the MW didn't want you to tell her H?) and apologized to by you ?
boldjack Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 GEL, MW's who had multiple sex partners without their H knowledge. If you don't like me, don't read my posts.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Complete honestly to my H would end in a nightmare. Something I'm not prepared to endure. He has told me, if I ever had an A, to never let him find out. So really, in your mind, he doesn't care whether or not you have an A, he just cares if you tell him about it ??? Mr. Lucky
Athena Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Complete honestly to my H would end in a nightmare. Something I'm not prepared to endure. He has told me, if I ever had an A, to never let him find out.So really, in your mind, he doesn't care whether or not you have an A, he just cares if you tell him about it ??? Mr. Lucky You know, I am inclined to think that her H himself has had an A -- funnily enough my own H once told me, while in the midst of his second A (of several mths) that he would forgive me if I ever had an affair... It seemed odd to me at the time that he seemingly came up with this out of the blue... but of course he was having an affair (which I didn't know at the time) and was speaking perhaps of his own desire to be forgiven... perhaps like OP's H? Perhaps her H was/is having an A of his own, and told her he wouldn't want to know of an A his W might have, so as to 'excuse' his own decision not to tell her about his.
boldjack Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Athena, if enough time had passed, and the MW abd BS were trying to reconcile, I would ask first.
Athena Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Athena, if enough time had passed, and the MW abd BS were trying to reconcile, I would ask first. k I am always interested in How you Did it!
bentnotbroken Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 And how is that, like, confirmed? Is there a directory out there? GEL Probably. The ow in my situation would be in there.
Author UndertheSun Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 Hey Underthesun, Good for you on ending the A...to me the fact you ARE sorry sez a lot I wish you well..I would go totally NC with the AP ...maybe see someone to talk over why and how you were so vunerable and also why you have sex when you don't feel like it....I wonder and am NOT asking o a public forum but wondering if you have been sexually abused as a child ..that could very well play into why you have weak boundaries...WISHING YOU MUCH love and success in all areas of your life Thanks. No, I was never abused as a child. I think having low-self esteem made me vulnerable. That's what I came up with,anyway. The only person I ever had sex with when I didn't feel like it was my H. The reason is bc he'd get upset/pissed if I didn't and wouldn't let it go. He badgers me until I give in. Honestly, I thought many H/W's go through that. I think that's a question for another thread. Total NC is what I'm doing and I agree that counseling can help.
Author UndertheSun Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 What a piece of work you are, and you seem to be getting off on it! You're truely Pathetic and unremorseful! No, I'm not 'getting off' on it at all. I know what the reality is of my actions and sometimes, I agree with what you all say.
Author UndertheSun Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 Oh, wow. What the hell is his problem?! Does he have ANY regard for how YOU feel? You need to both go into counseling together. Maybe you feel you need IC, but you most DEFINITELY need MC. I don't know why he behaves that way. I guess me saying 'no' makes him feel rejected. I really don't know.
MistyK Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I don't know why he behaves that way. I guess me saying 'no' makes him feel rejected. I really don't know. My xH was the same way. Everytime I gave in another little piece of me died. But then, that's why he's my XH.
Author UndertheSun Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 My xH was the same way. Everytime I gave in another little piece of me died. But then, that's why he's my XH. Was he a wonderful husband besides that??? I'm asking bc my H is a great guy.
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