Reggie Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I cannot believe this. People, why are you even here? It's pretty obvious you are not here to help, but HURT!!!!! If you can't be objective or offer some help, THEN STAY OFF OTHER PEOPLE'S THREADS! People come here to get help, to find people who can empathize with them and help them find their way. Yet you guys (you know who you are) are all a bunch of sh**h***'* trying to kick someone when they are down. No one should have to be called the names you have basically called the OP. And for those of you who believe in karma, it will find YOU. OP, I am sorry that you find yourself here. I hope that you can find support you need here. Put the a******'* on ignore and just listen to those who are trying to help you without being rude or obnoxious. Not everyone is this hateful. Hugs to you, I can't imagine how awful you feel after reading some of the comments on this thread when you reached out for help. Just remember that people who are so hateful don't know any better. GEL Please , GEL, you are not being helpful. Stop all this animosity toward BSs and others that are advising this poor, sensitive lost soul and stop projecting your own issues onto others. The poster should be advised that if GEL is offending you, there is the ignore option.
Author UndertheSun Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Have/will you tell your H you don't love him? Or will you continue in the vain? If you aren't satisfied in the marriage, won't you be prone to indulge in another A? How do you feel today after ending things? Do you have a plan or are you just going to go with the flow and see where it ends? I won't tell my H I don't love him bc I do love him although many would probably say cheating isn't showing love. Tell me about it. I know that. I am satisfied in my M. The truth is, I'm happily married. Today, I'm glad I did the right thing and ended it. I have been fighting with myself and this A for almost 2 years...wanting to end it but getting caught up in the 'fog'. Recently, I wanted to end it more than ever bc my feelings for my exMM changed. I wasn't 'in love' with him anymore. He was more of a friend than a lover (sex was infrequent and not even that great!) We spent most of our time talking,laughing, and just hanging out. My plan is to have total NC with exMM and live my life as it once was but better. I plan on making better choices... continuing with my marriage, showing respect for my H and my marriage and doing the right thing. The almost 2 yr A was a huge mistake. I went on an emotional rollarcoaster. In the beginning, exMM & I planned on leaving our spouses in the future. But then my feelings for him and my H changed. My feelings for my exMM became less and less and more and more for my H. The other day, I asked my exMM if he still thought we had a future together. He said he thought about that all the time. I didn't tell him, that I did not think we had a future together. The truth was, I love my H and don't want to leave him. That's when it occurred to me that there was no reason for me to be in this A anymore. If I wasn't going to be with him in the future bc I didn't want to, then I needed to end it. I feel a sense of loss for the exMM bc we were close friends but that's taking a backseat to everything else in my life. I can't worry about him. I need to focus on my marriage.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Has anyone made love to their MM and H on same day, and if so, did you feel bad about it in any way? If you know your MM wants to make love on a particular day, and your H will too, do you stop any partner? I never felt good about making love to 2 people on the same day. Then stop having sex with your husband. Better yet, divorce him so he can be free from you.
Author UndertheSun Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Then stop having sex with your husband. Better yet, divorce him so he can be free from you . Thanks for your advice but I didn't ask for it.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I feel a sense of loss for the exMM bc we were close friends but that's taking a backseat to everything else in my life. I can't worry about him. I need to focus on my marriage. Good luck focusing on your M. I think you should see a MC or at the very least an IC so you can make sure the "fog" doesn't reappear.
Author UndertheSun Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Good luck focusing on your M. I think you should see a MC or at the very least an IC so you can make sure the "fog" doesn't reappear. Thanks GEL. I don't think the 'fog' will reappear but I agree with you that I should seek IC. Gonna work on that. Thx!!
Gamine Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Why not just install a meter and calculate the thrusts to determine the equity of the situation? Yes. This is a 2x4. Listen... I'm not going to get into the 'rights' and 'wrongs' of having an affair but... what stands out to me most is the lack of self respect and integrity displayed. Why is it about having sex? Why isn't it about your feelings for these men? Honestly speaking, if I'm not interested in having sex/making love with my husband I simply don't. What is really troubling is that the OP sort of sounds like she is 'there' for sex whenever or whomever comes a knocking and that she 'complies'. For heaven's sake how on earth do you view yourself? Why do you see yourself (OP) as a sex servicing machine?
Gamine Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 GEL - Thank you so much for posting your above response about name calling and being helpful!! This is a support and advice forum. Too many of these posters get on this specific forum to simply degrade someone and call them names and attempt to make them feel worse than they already do. We already feel like s**t, we know what we are doing or have done is morally wrong and we aren't proud of our actions. If you can't offer supportive, understanding, useful advice then don't respond. The ones that really get me are the ones who like to quote scripture or preach about how morally offensive our actions are but yet they seem to disregard the fact that all sins our equal and offensive in the Lords eyes whether that be telling a lie, having an affair or even committing murder. So unless you've lived a completely sin free - which none of us have - then quit throwing stones!! This interpretation of 'sin in the Lord's eyes' is a slippery slope handed out like cotton candy for those who need justification for continuing down an immoral path. Now, again, I'm not getting into the morality issues of betrayal and deceit. And, I am not 'judging'. However, all sins are not equal and the 'sin' is not found in the action but in the state of the heart and mind fueling the action. Murder is not the same as lying in God's eyes and betrayal is not the same as stealing a pack of gum. Heck with your philosophy why not commit murder if you've shoplifted a hair brush? Sin is sin, right?
GreenEyedLady Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Please , GEL, you are not being helpful. Stop all this animosity toward BSs and others that are advising this poor, sensitive lost soul and stop projecting your own issues onto others. The poster should be advised that if GEL is offending you, there is the ignore option. Aww, my job is done! I have struck a chord! And thanks! Imitation is the best form of flattery! GEL
Gamine Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I won't tell my H I don't love him bc I do love him although many would probably say cheating isn't showing love. Tell me about it. I know that. I am satisfied in my M. The truth is, I'm happily married. Today, I'm glad I did the right thing and ended it. I have been fighting with myself and this A for almost 2 years...wanting to end it but getting caught up in the 'fog'. Recently, I wanted to end it more than ever bc my feelings for my exMM changed. I wasn't 'in love' with him anymore. He was more of a friend than a lover (sex was infrequent and not even that great!) We spent most of our time talking,laughing, and just hanging out. My plan is to have total NC with exMM and live my life as it once was but better. I plan on making better choices... continuing with my marriage, showing respect for my H and my marriage and doing the right thing. The almost 2 yr A was a huge mistake. I went on an emotional rollarcoaster. In the beginning, exMM & I planned on leaving our spouses in the future. But then my feelings for him and my H changed. My feelings for my exMM became less and less and more and more for my H. The other day, I asked my exMM if he still thought we had a future together. He said he thought about that all the time. I didn't tell him, that I did not think we had a future together. The truth was, I love my H and don't want to leave him. That's when it occurred to me that there was no reason for me to be in this A anymore. If I wasn't going to be with him in the future bc I didn't want to, then I needed to end it. I feel a sense of loss for the exMM bc we were close friends but that's taking a backseat to everything else in my life. I can't worry about him. I need to focus on my marriage. I am happy for you that you found your love for your husband again. The unfortunate aspect of affairs is that you will never again be able to look at your husband knowing in your heart of hearts that you were decent to him. And as your love for him grows so will the grief over your affair. That is why it is a good idea to really think with your heart, your soul... before following your body's cravings. Some things we cannot undo and we cannot wash off. After my husband's affair I was pursued and felt a need emerging to want to be desired in that way. I turned my back to it and walked away. I'm glad I did.
Author UndertheSun Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 what stands out to me most is the lack of self respect and integrity displayed. Why is it about having sex? Why isn't it about your feelings for these men? You are right about not having self-respect and integrity. That has a lot to do with it. It was about having sex, bc that was the situation. My exMM and I didn't have sex every time we saw each other. To the contrary, we went months without it bc I didn't feel good about it. Honestly speaking, if I'm not interested in having sex/making love with my husband I simply don't. Easier said than done when your husband EXPECTS sex and gets extremely mad if you don't 'comply'. What is really troubling is that the OP sort of sounds like she is 'there' for sex whenever or whomever comes a knocking and that she 'complies'. Only 'complied' for my H. Had sex with my exMM only when I wanted to which wasn't very often during the almost 2 yr A. For heaven's sake how on earth do you view yourself? I view myself as a woman who had low self-esteem,had an A, fell 'in love' with MM, got stuck in the 'fog', was confused and stupid. Didn't show any respect for herself, her H, or her marriage. A woman who wants to change for the better. Why do you see yourself (OP) as a sex servicing machine? Never saw myself as a sex servicing machine. Like I said, hardly had sex with exMM and when I did, it was bc I wanted to. At times, my H EXPECTED me to have sex with him after I had sex with my exMM and it made me feel awful.
Jilly Bean Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I think if you wash your vagina between both guys, it would probably minimize the ick factor a bit.
Author UndertheSun Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 you will never again be able to look at your husband knowing in your heart of hearts that you were decent to him. You are absolutely right. That's really all I can say about that. After my husband's affair I was pursued and felt a need emerging to want to be desired in that way. I turned my back to it and walked away. I'm glad I did. Good for you. I can't turn back time. I can only look forward.
boldjack Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Your poor husband, no respect, no love, no honesty and sloppy seconds.
Author UndertheSun Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Your poor husband, no respect, no love, no honesty and sloppy seconds. All true. I'm not denying it.
boldjack Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Op, I think you should divorce him. He deserves better.
Author UndertheSun Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Op, I think you should divorce him. He deserves better. He does deserve better but I won't divorce him. Thanks for your advice!
boldjack Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Of course you won't, for the same reasons I mentioned before. Good luck on your next affair.
Author UndertheSun Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Thank you! I love when people wish me well.
boldjack Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Donna, the OP has shown no sign of caring for anyone other than herself. To truly change like I did, a complete "makeover", is required. Putting the BS first, complete honesty, and deep remorse and shame have to be present. Have you discerned any of this?
Author UndertheSun Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Donna, the OP has shown no sign of caring for anyone other than herself. To truly change like I did, a complete "makeover", is required. Putting the BS first, complete honesty, and deep remorse and shame have to be present. Have you discerned any of this? I am putting my H first. That's why I ended the A. Complete honestly to my H would end in a nightmare. Something I'm not prepared to endure. He has told me, if I ever had an A, to never let him find out. I am deeply remorseful for what I've done. Sorry, if I didn't write it all out for you. The same goes with shame. Of course, I am ashamed of what I've done. Do I need to write that out for you too? This isn't about YOU and I don't need to give you details of my life.
Reggie Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Aww, my job is done! I have struck a chord! And thanks! Imitation is the best form of flattery! GEL Just trying to be helpful.
boldjack Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I have no interest in the details of your life. I was simply answering a question from Donna. Please don't misunderstand, I have done every thing you have, and much worse, I changed my behavior and "came clean" with all those people I cheated on. It cost me my first marriage, but I was able to enter a new love without guilt. I believe that without complete integrity (You must tell him, even if He doesn't want to know) you will not be able to have a true, honest loving, relationship with any man, whether it's your husband or anyone else. And I do wish you well, I just wish you would be more honest about it.
boldjack Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Actually Donna, the person who was most critical of me . was me. I was always fully aware of what I was doing, but still did it. How sad was that.
Gamine Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 On the issue of whether to tell your husband or not I will pose this question to you.... Would you want to know? I mean, on one hand ignorance is bliss. On the other hand he is living a lie and you are instrumental in creating this lie. He has a right to make choices in his life just as you do. The question has to be whether you truly LOVE him as an individual regardless of what you get out of it. Granted, if you tell him the truth YOUR comfort zone will be compromised and you will have to pay the piper. Be it with marital discord, divorce, or... on the bright side... working terribly hard to atone for the wrongs your actions have had on your husband's life. Now, for what it's worth... I have a huge problem with any man or woman demanding sex from their partner. It is just plain dehumanizing and gross. I don't see my husband as a living, breathing, dildo and I most certainly don't want to be seen as a masturbation surrogate. I have always had the luxury of saying yes or no to every man I've been intimate in my lifetime... especially and including my husband. I find it very sad that there isn't greater regard and respect offered between the two of you.
Recommended Posts