BeautifulBrunette Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Hello everyone - My boyfriend and I have been happily together for 3 years and 4 months. He is 26; I am 21. Yesterday, as we were taking a nice walk I asked him "Will we ever get married?" and his reply "I don't feel the need to get married right now." He then went on to explain that he is happy the way we are in our relationship and that if we got married, things might possibly change. Should I be worried about our future?
Lauriebell82 Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 It sounds like he just doesn't want to get married right now. While 3 1/2 years is a decent amount of time to be together, you are only 21 so maybe he acknowledges that you are both still young and wants to hold off. I think you should hold off any other talks right now and maybe wait awhile. Honestly, I just found out my friend is getting divorced from her husband of 4 years. They got married when she was 21 and he was 25. So you can kind of see how being so young plays into a marriage.
boogieboy Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Yeah getting married to a 21 year old girl is not the way to go. These are the years you might change, plus you have been with him 3 years already. Theres no need for marriage right now, just live, enjoy each other and be happy. The less you nag him about marriage the more he'll think about it.
Author BeautifulBrunette Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 Dear Lauriebell82 and boogieboy, Thank you so much for your wise replies. I do realize that we are both very young but that wasn't the question I asked him. I asked him "Will we ever get married?" I believe he may have took it as something I want to do right now, which I don't. Infact, I don't want to get married right now only for the fact that I am 21. My concern is, he went on saying that he was happy the way he is and that things might change. He is really speaking for the future but he may change as he nears 30. I know I shouldn't be worried about this stuff and yes boogieboy, I will enjoy my time with him! Oh and I didn't "nag" at him when I asked that. Nagging would be "Why haven't you asked me to marry you?" I try to stay far away from nagging as possible.
boogieboy Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Dear Lauriebell82 and boogieboy, Thank you so much for your wise replies. I do realize that we are both very young but that wasn't the question I asked him. I asked him "Will we ever get married?" I believe he may have took it as something I want to do right now, which I don't. Infact, I don't want to get married right now only for the fact that I am 21. My concern is, he went on saying that he was happy the way he is and that things might change. He is really speaking for the future but he may change as he nears 30. I know I shouldn't be worried about this stuff and yes boogieboy, I will enjoy my time with him! Oh and I didn't "nag" at him when I asked that. Nagging would be "Why haven't you asked me to marry you?" I try to stay far away from nagging as possible. Doesnt matter how you asked him, he was obviously afraid that you would ask him, and that to him is a nag. he feels the pressure and hes not ready. Dont ask him anymore until he mentions it, or until you want to give him an ultimatum. Hes not ready to talk about that yet.
Thaddeus Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Yesterday, as we were taking a nice walk I asked him "Will we ever get married?" and his reply "I don't feel the need to get married right now." He then went on to explain that he is happy the way we are in our relationship and that if we got married, things might possibly change. Should I be worried about our future? Three years may seem like a long time to be in a relationship without the marriage discussion, but you're both young. Take him at his word. There's no hidden meaning or subtle hint. He said, "I don't feel the need to get married right now,"the bolded part being the operative phrase. And he's right that after the wedding things change. They always do. Enjoy your time together (which you obviously do!) and let the whole marriage discussion unfold organically. Pushing him will only drive him away. And I don't think that's what you want.
Phateless Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Doesnt matter how you asked him, he was obviously afraid that you would ask him, and that to him is a nag. he feels the pressure and hes not ready. Dont ask him anymore until he mentions it, or until you want to give him an ultimatum. Hes not ready to talk about that yet. Agreed. Just back off! The divorce rate is over 50% these days and that makes a lot of guys really afraid to get married, myself included. I want to make sure I'M ready.
Lauriebell82 Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Dear Lauriebell82 and boogieboy, Thank you so much for your wise replies. I do realize that we are both very young but that wasn't the question I asked him. I asked him "Will we ever get married?" I believe he may have took it as something I want to do right now, which I don't. Infact, I don't want to get married right now only for the fact that I am 21. My concern is, he went on saying that he was happy the way he is and that things might change. He is really speaking for the future but he may change as he nears 30. I know I shouldn't be worried about this stuff and yes boogieboy, I will enjoy my time with him! Oh and I didn't "nag" at him when I asked that. Nagging would be "Why haven't you asked me to marry you?" I try to stay far away from nagging as possible. Okay, well I think he percieved "will we ever get married" as "are you going to marry me now or not?" He probably felt pressure as some of the others have said, regardless of whether you actually pressured him or not. Guys who are not ready for marriage will just NOT want to talk about the subject. I would let it go like I said, I don't think he would be with you for that long if he didn't see some sort of future. 3 1/2 years is a good amount of time, I doubt that he is just with you for the heck of it.
Phateless Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Okay, well I think he percieved "will we ever get married" as "are you going to marry me now or not?" He probably felt pressure as some of the others have said, regardless of whether you actually pressured him or not. Guys who are not ready for marriage will just NOT want to talk about the subject. I would let it go like I said, I don't think he would be with you for that long if he didn't see some sort of future. 3 1/2 years is a good amount of time, I doubt that he is just with you for the heck of it. I think he heard "will we ever get married" which you meant as "will we get married someday?" as "will we EVER get married?!" You see what I mean? How you say something can really make a difference...
Author BeautifulBrunette Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 Agreed. Just back off! The divorce rate is over 50% these days and that makes a lot of guys really afraid to get married, myself included. I want to make sure I'M ready. Hi Phateless, It saddens me that the divorce rate is so high. Say for example your with a wonderful girl and you wait 10 years before you propse because you had that fear of "Well if I get married too soon we might get a divorce." So everything is going smoothly in your marraige and then 5 years down the road, she is unfaithful to you. Who do you blame for not waiting another 5 years to ask her to marry you? What I'm trying to say is, how does one know when they are ready if they don't know what the future brings?
Phateless Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Hi Phateless, It saddens me that the divorce rate is so high. Say for example your with a wonderful girl and you wait 10 years before you propse because you had that fear of "Well if I get married too soon we might get a divorce." So everything is going smoothly in your marraige and then 5 years down the road, she is unfaithful to you. Who do you blame for not waiting another 5 years to ask her to marry you? What I'm trying to say is, how does one know when they are ready if they don't know what the future brings? You never do. At some point you have to jump out and take the risk. My point is that you can't force someone to be ready if they're not. If you're ready now and he isn't, you have a decision to make. How long are you willing to wait for him before you decide to look elsewhere? That's something only you can decide.
Author BeautifulBrunette Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 You never do. At some point you have to jump out and take the risk. My point is that you can't force someone to be ready if they're not. If you're ready now and he isn't, you have a decision to make. How long are you willing to wait for him before you decide to look elsewhere? That's something only you can decide. I'm not going to break up with him because he won't marry me now; that's ludacris! I am too young. I need to rephrase the question I asked him "Will we get married someday?" Maybe then he wouldn't feel like I demanded it. How long should a man/woman wait for marraige? Who's to say that 3 years is long enough or 6? Is 10 too long? No one knows. I am merely asking him because I want a future with him and I would like to know for peace of mind, what his intentions are for the future, that's all. Maybe I did come off too demanding which I didn't mean too.
Phateless Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 I'm not going to break up with him because he won't marry me now; that's ludacris! I am too young. I need to rephrase the question I asked him "Will we get married someday?" Maybe then he wouldn't feel like I demanded it. How long should a man/woman wait for marraige? Who's to say that 3 years is long enough or 6? Is 10 too long? No one knows. I am merely asking him because I want a future with him and I would like to know for peace of mind, what his intentions are for the future, that's all. Maybe I did come off too demanding which I didn't mean too. I would say rather than re-asking the same question, a better tack might be to bring it up more directly but softly. Something along the lines of... "Hey babe, I'm sorry about the other day. I realized I sounded pretty demanding when I asked about marriage and I didn't mean to. I was more just wondering if you've thought about it at all for the possibility of someday, and if we could have a conversation about that at some point. It doesn't have to be now, but I just wanted to hear your thoughts, that's all. Don't worry, no pressure, I'm not even close to ready myself, but I'd just like to know that it's something you would consider for someday." Basically, he's probably a bit tense about it, maybe a shade defensive, and you want to focus on disarming him and reassuring him that you're not applying pressure. Keep it as a simple open exchange of thoughts and not you trying to pin him down on a plan. Good luck!
HsMomma Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 OP, keep in mind that this is coming from someone old enough to be your mom (!), but here are my thoughts on it. You've been together 3 1/2 years, you love him, he loves you...right so far? Have the 2 of you ever talked about the concept of marriage - not necessarily discussing y'all BEING married, but what marriage means to each of you? I tend to fall in with the others who've said it probably freaked him out a bit. As I tell my daughter, though you & your bf both speak English, what's said by one is heard differently by the other. He may indeed have felt like this was one of those "trick questions" like, "Have you stopped beating your wife yet?" In that case, he could feel that there is no right answer. Do you see what I mean? It's not so much a matter of pressuring him, but if y'all haven't discussed even the concept of marriage before, it might've made him freak a bit. My best suggestion kind of goes hand in hand with what Phateless said in the last post. I'd give it a bit of time & then come at it from the direction of "I sure didn't mean to make you think I'm hunting for marriage right now, 'cause I'm not. I'm only 21. But, I guess I was just thinking about you & me & how much we love each other, and thinking about what it'd be like 20 years down the road. What do you think of marriage in general?" And then go from there...I don't know that I'd get terribly specific about you as a couple - I'd focus more on making sure marriage means the same thing to you both. Just my two cents' worth
boogieboy Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 I'm not going to break up with him because he won't marry me now; that's ludacris! I am too young. I need to rephrase the question I asked him "Will we get married someday?" Maybe then he wouldn't feel like I demanded it. How long should a man/woman wait for marraige? Who's to say that 3 years is long enough or 6? Is 10 too long? No one knows. I am merely asking him because I want a future with him and I would like to know for peace of mind, what his intentions are for the future, that's all. Maybe I did come off too demanding which I didn't mean too. How long to wait? You should live together for at least 2 years, unless, in your case, he feels the urge to ask you sooner. And you actually have to money to do it. With you, I would wait 4 more years living together to make sure you dont change, or your friends decide to persuade you to try other guys first. Youre 21, youre too young anyway, why are you asking him this? Are you testing him to see how much he values your relationship?
Phateless Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 What do you think of marriage in general?" And then go from there...I don't know that I'd get terribly specific about you as a couple - I'd focus more on making sure marriage means the same thing to you both. Excellent advice! I like this better than what I suggested.
HsMomma Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Excellent advice! I like this better than what I suggested. Actually, Phateless, your lead-in to the conversation was great - it's how I'd start the conversation, too! OP, as I was told when I first came on here, take what advice you think will work for you and leave the rest behind. Phateless & I just seemed to be on the same track. BTW, I really don't think age is the end-all, be-all decider of whether a relationship will last. I have some friends my age (mid 40's) who have been together since they were 16 & 17, and have been married over 20 years...a phenomenal marriage. Again, I think the most important part of the equation is making sure that marriage means the same to you both.
Phateless Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 And timelines are completely different for everyone. You can't decide on some arbitrary amount of time that means you are or are not ready to move in or get married or whatever. It's like "hey I've been at this job for 6 months so I get benefits now"
HsMomma Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 And timelines are completely different for everyone. You can't decide on some arbitrary amount of time that means you are or are not ready to move in or get married or whatever. It's like "hey I've been at this job for 6 months so I get benefits now" Exactly - relationships don't generally come with expiration dates like cartons of milk!
Author BeautifulBrunette Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 How long to wait? You should live together for at least 2 years, unless, in your case, he feels the urge to ask you sooner. And you actually have to money to do it. With you, I would wait 4 more years living together to make sure you dont change, or your friends decide to persuade you to try other guys first. Youre 21, youre too young anyway, why are you asking him this? Are you testing him to see how much he values your relationship? Living together doesn't determine if a couple is going to stay married or get divorced. Infact, I read that couples that live together before marraige are more likely to break up or divorce. Don't quote me on that. I will find the article. I asked him because I am curious. We've been together for 3 years, one of us is bound to ask that question.
Thaddeus Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Living together doesn't determine if a couple is going to stay married or get divorced. Infact, I read that couples that live together before marraige are more likely to break up or divorce. Don't quote me on that. I will find the article. Yes, you're correct. See Couples who live together before marriage more likely to get divorced. It's also a statistical fact that conservative Christians are more likely to get divorced as well, much higher than non-believers. Point is, what may seem counter-intuitive (couples that live together and get to know each other before marriage, and couples that believe, "the family that prays together stays together") just doesn't match up with reality.
Trialbyfire Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 If you hadn't broached it, I would suggest something entirely different. Now that the cat's out of the bag, forget subtlety. No one should have to pussyfoot around their SO, especially one who you've been in a 3.3 yr relationship with. With the broaching in mind, I'd ask him straight up again "While I'm not even close to being ready for marriage, do you see this in our future? For that matter, do you believe in marriage?". If he's the type who's afraid of marriage, he's going to hem and haw or run like the wind. If he states there's no marriage in the future, you know where you stand and can take decisive action to stay or go. It's okay to want someone with the same future goals in life. For that matter, you're 21 years old, which should be the height of high dating levels, out having a great time, instead of being with one guy. Never fear loss or you'll always be holding the losing hand.
Phateless Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Never fear loss or you'll always be holding the losing hand. It's a lot harder to stick to your guns when you're in the situation.
HsMomma Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 It's a lot harder to stick to your guns when you're in the situation. True, but nobody ever said life was easy, right? Sticking to her guns is even more important in this situation - she's too young to make a lifetime decision without fully exploring if it's the right situation for HER. I think TBF is absolutely right...or as my grandmother used to say, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket...you never know when you might drop the basket."
Trialbyfire Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 It's a lot harder to stick to your guns when you're in the situation.Wanna' bet?
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