chicagoman91 Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 General background: -Met this girl through mutual friends -At this point, we have been going out for a little over 5 months. We sleep over at each others place once a week but have not had straight sex yet. -We are both busy people. She works 2 full time jobs and therefore is working probably 80-110 hours on any given week. -At this point, I’ve been completely honest- no games. Ive expressed how I feel. I have told her that I like her, no doubt in my mind. I do things for her that I have NEVER DONE for any girl in my life. I make the effort to do the little things to show that I care about her. - Even though we have been dating for a few months, she has yet to open up emotionally. I rarely know what she is thinking. What happened yesterday: I had made a pretty scathing comment the day before, and I met up so I could apologize and give her context of how/why I said what I said. She remarked that this was the first time that I had said something that was mean. I asked her what was on her mind, and after some prodding she said something to the extent of ‘how I do things that makes it seem like she’s already my girlfriend.’ When I asked her to elaborate, she said some of the sweet things I say bother her (‘I think we would make a good couple, etc’). Sensing more was on her mind then that, I asked her what else was going through her head. It took a while, but she opened up. Her response: 1) She’s scared about what’s developing between us and 2) she doesn’t want to end up hurting me because at this point, she’s not sure how she feels. Her past relationship ended quickly (this was three years ago, has not had a boyfriend since then. She is in her mid twenties.) and she doesn’t want the same thing to happen so she wants to be sure (which explains why she wants to take things very slow). Also, that there was a reason she has not had a boyfriend for three years- part of it being her being scared of being hurt and another part of her being extremely picky. I expressed that she wasn’t the only one that was scared- I too was scared that it wouldn’t work out for whatever reason but regardless that I did like her. She said she just needed to sort things out at this point, and that it was her, and not me. After some more elaboration, I asked her whether or not we are exclusive. Her reply was that ‘she wasn’t dating anyone else now’. I asked her if it would be ok if we dated other people, and she acquiesced and said it would ok with her. I was hurt when she said this, and I expressed this. I told her that she only has capacity in her current schedule to date one person (this is true given her working so much, she doesn’t even really have enough time to date one person) and that by dating other people it would only mean that I WOULD date other people. The only reason I asked was to see if SHE was interested in dating other people (obviously didn’t say this). From there, I told her the next logical question for me to ask is whether or not you just want to be friends. She said she’s not sure. At this point, I WAS hurt. Granted we aren’t super close, but at this point I’ve put in a good amount of time (5 months or so). To be rejected, I was definitely hurt. She said she could tell I was a little hurt. I responded by saying yes, I am a little hurt but that I understood not everything would work out with everyone you meet and that I would respect her wishes. Again, the only reason I asked her was because I wanted to gauge whether or not SHE wanted to end what we had built over the past few months. At this point, I thought the conversation was over. But she then flipped what she had JUST said. She then said “so YOU would rather be friends?” I told her NO, I wouldn’t rather be friends. I told her exactly how I felt and what I wanted to happen between us (that things would work out, etc). I told her that I have been fine with waiting, and that I would continue to wait because I really liked her. I then asked her what SHE wanted to change between us. She said she would be fine with what we have now, but without the sweet words I say. I said ok, and we agreed at the end of the night that we would continue with what we have now but that I would not say sweet things anymore. We kissed each other good bye. I sent her an email later that night saying I appreciated our talk and that I hope that we are both happy regardless of what transpires. Looking for advice on what’s going on with this girl. Does she like me? How should I approach the situation? Why does saying sweet things bother her? Is she continuing to date me not because she wants to, but because she doesn’t want to hurt me? Why would she ‘need to sort things out’ if we are just dating? Any sort of advice is appreciated….
utterer of lies Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Give up any hope for being a BF to her. It won't happen. Her signals are clear.
carhill Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 My initial instinct is she works too much and I don't see this going anywhere. I see a circular mind-f*ck developing. Here's a key thing to watch for.....watch for how she respects and is interested in and accommodates what you want from the relationship. Give me an example of that dynamic.
Author chicagoman91 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 Carhill: I have communicated that in order for this to go anywhere, we have to spend more time together. She spends time with me no matter how busy her schedule- I can recall several instances where she ended up working 120 hours a week (no joke, im serious) yet still put forth the effort to come over and hang out. From my perspective, I think that’s the greatest thing she can give at this point- her time (given how she has so little of it). I have also communicated that I would like something more serious. However, she responded that given her work schedule, that’s not possible at this point. I totally understand, given that shes still trying to establish her career. So to the extent that she has accomodated my desire to be more serious, she hasnt. Utter of lies: Can you elaborate? What signals specifically? I honestly have no issues waiting if I knew that she liked me. if not a bF, what does she want? She's the conservative type so I dont see her dating someone just for "fun". Thanks guys, appreciate it.
utterer of lies Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Utter of lies: Can you elaborate? What signals specifically? I honestly have no issues waiting if I knew that she liked me. General background: 5 months. We sleep over at each others place once a week but have not had straight sex yet. ‘how I do things that makes it seem like she’s already my girlfriend.’ she said some of the sweet things I say bother her (‘I think we would make a good couple, etc’). 1) She’s scared about what’s developing between us and 2) she doesn’t want to end up hurting me because at this point, she’s not sure how she feels. She said she just needed to sort things out at this point, and that it was her, and not me. just want to be friends. She said she’s not sure. I then asked her what SHE wanted to change between us. She said she would be fine with what we have now, but without the sweet words I say. It's not you, it's her. She doesn't want you to be her boyfriend. Yet she doesn't want to give up on all the comfort and companionship you provide her with. All those phrases above mean one thing: She doesn't consider you boyfriend material. Sorry, mate.
Author chicagoman91 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 I think... maybe i have blinders on... but this is what I WANT to believe: What I want to believe is that she IS scared. Of course she doesnt know if she just wants to be friends at this point given her previous messy break up. At the same time, she has expressed actions to say that she DOES want a relationship- we kiss each other goodbye, we sleep over at each others place. i guess these actions may not seem like alot compared to some other girls I have dated, but with someone as conservative as her... i think it does mean something! She wants to make sure before she dives into anything. She wants to be sure that I wont leave her like her previous BF. I cant expect her to define how she feels right now given we havent known each other THAT long. She is a private person... she doesnt have any really close friends. Again, this might be rationalizing again, but given her quiet nature/distance from almost everyone... maybe it just takes her longer to get comfortable with having a BF. I think, with any other person, it would have to take the same path given her set of experiences/circumstanes, no? For what its worth, this is the time of month where she gets emotional. I felt horrible when she started to cry a bit yesterday.
Stark Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 What I want to believe is that she IS scared. Of course she doesnt know if she just wants to be friends at this point given her previous messy break up. She wants to make sure before she dives into anything. She wants to be sure that I wont leave her like her previous BF. I cant expect her to define how she feels right now given we havent known each other THAT long. Don't try to be understanding and considerate here, you've been patient for 5 months which is MORE than enough time to decide wether you like someone or not to consider giving it a proper go, I mean thats almost half a year, you've not pushed anything, you've gave proper conversations a go, it's very clear you're not going to turn around and leave her and you're the one doing all the chasing here for more. Would someone who wants more just turn around and leave after 5 months of it? You know whats going to hurt more? Investing more time, more months spent, getting more attatched to her for her to turn round and say sorry, or that she doesn't see it happening. I have been in this situation, and it's just as bad if not worse than being cheated on, because you clearly have something, but the person for some reason or other does not want to pursue it. They won't tell you why, they'll just keep uttering they are not sure, and they will repeat this answer ad infiniteum to keep you stringed on that there MAY be a possibility of something. The best thing you can do for yourself is break it off, because you've invested enough time into this woman, and if you invest any more and more let down comes you're going to have serious, and I do mean serious troubles recovering from it.
Author chicagoman91 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 Ive only cried three times in my life. Yesterday being one of them. Should I try to consult some of her friends before breaking it off? God... this hurts so fn much.
utterer of lies Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 but with someone as conservative as her... i think it does mean something! Yes, it means you are her IW. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ladder_theory She wants to blah blah blah excuses Humans don't function like that. If you were enough of a priority to her, she wouldn't act like it. But maybe it's better for you not to change your behavior at all, until you can't take it anymore. Pain is a good teacher.
utterer of lies Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Ive only cried three times in my life. Yesterday being one of them. Should I try to consult some of her friends before breaking it off? God... this hurts so fn much. No. Just tell her to vanish from your life. Don't contact her, and tell her to only contact you if she wants you as a true boyfriend.
Stark Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Ive only cried three times in my life. Yesterday being one of them. Should I try to consult some of her friends before breaking it off? God... this hurts so fn much. The best thing you can do is take utter of lies advice, tell her not to contact you again until she considers seeing you as a boyfriend, you're not going to invest any more time into something thats leading nowhere. If she truly does like you, maybe she'll get in contact then. If not, you get the answer now rather than another 5 months down the line where it would be much harder
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