Cheating friend...

[E46]

What do you suggest would be the best way to tell the BF? What should I say?

 

I've never met the guy or anything like that, but I am pretty sure I want to do it anonymously.

 

 

Hey..so have u decided what to do to tell him ? how old r they ? you were mention earlier on that shes young?

[ybot]

I haven't decided what to do yet! I'm in the midst of finals so all of this has taken a backseat in my mind for a bit. But I probably plan on using facebook if I tell him, because since I don't know him, I don't have any other way to contact him. Unless there are any other suggestions? Or perhaps volunteers to break the news to him through facebook lol?

 

I believe they are both 20 years old.

[Hkizzle]

As a guy that has done what some of the people here suggest you should do (I told my friend's girlfriend he was cheating on her), I can tell you this. If you go and tell on your friend, you're as guilty and as bad as she is.

 

The reason is this. You say she is a GOOD friend, so you're betraying your friend.

 

Your friend trusts you and would never expect you to CHEAT ON HER.

 

Do what you like, but I've done this deed before, and trust me these people on this thread are full of self righteous BS. You have no right to be judge and jury on your friend. If you don't like it walk away and don't be friends with her.

 

What right do you have to judge her and betray her? That doesn't make her a bad person and you a better person. That makes you the exact same, and when she finds out and she probably will even if you keep it quiet. She will say that your a self righteous piece of crap that backstabbed and betrayed a friend.

 

She would also be correct in saying so. I know because my friend said the same thing to my face.

 

So do what you like. But I think the people here crack me up. They're quick to judge a cheater without realizing their self righteousness clouds the fact that they're advocating backstabbing.

 

In fact if doing the right thing is so important. Tell your friend you're going to tell her BF, don't cheat and backstab her, and see what she has to say about it. I bet she's going to rip your head off and won't be your friend anymore.

 

We have no right to judge our friends. The only right we have is to walk away if we don't like them.

[Teslacoil]

I agree with Hkizzle. It's not your job to police your friend's relationship. You're just going to be throwing your friendship down the toilet and lowering yourself in the process.

 

Make it simpler. Just don't be friends with this girl anymore. Tell her you think it's awful what she's doing to her boyfriend, and you don't want to hang out with her anymore.

 

I bet your friend would change her tune a lot if she thought her BF was cheating on HER. I agree with everyone she's a selfish bitch to think that she can cheat on her BF (especially if she thinks he's "the one") and not deal with the consequences.

 

I hope her BF finds out on his own before he gets in too deep with this girl.

[ybot]

A quick update, my friend told her boyfriend on her own, which is a good thing. but instead of saying it was a lasting affair, she just said it was a one time thing from a drunk night.

 

Why wouldn't she just say everything there is beyond me lol.

[samsungxoxo]

No if she's your friend and you're closer to her then I would suggest simply avoid the conversations that involves her cheating on her LD boyfriend. Tell her that you don't want to hear about it anymore and leave it like that and changed the topic. No point in being the messenger, why would you want to ruin your friendship???

 

Some people might be terrible partners to their SO but that doesn't mean they can't be good friends. Maybe not everyone is good in all categories....

[samsungxoxo]

Many people on here telling you not to tell, are cheaters themselves, so that tells you, they're routing for another cheater like themselves!

Not really. I have never cheated on my boyfriend and I'm telling her it would be best to leave it like that. Stop generalizing.

What about friends that smoke pots or drink. Yes they may have a messed up life but that's none of your business. They still talk to you and are still your good friends. Being a horrible girlfriend and a good friend has nothing to do with the other. They are two different categories...

[samsungxoxo]

A quick update, my friend told her boyfriend on her own, which is a good thing. but instead of saying it was a lasting affair, she just said it was a one time thing from a drunk night.

 

Why wouldn't she just say everything there is beyond me lol.

Oh wow so now we get that she told him a very incomplete version of it. What else happened. Hopefully he is now broken up with her as he doesn't deserve her.

[ybot]

Basically I decided its none of my business to get directly involved with her wrongdoings.

 

I told her that it was good that she told him that she was unfaithful, but at the same time I told her she should have been completely truthful as it defeats the purpose if she lies about what has been going on.

[EricaH329]

I know how you feel. Or felt. I'm a little late on posting about this... but I had a best friend that was in a similar position. Except she is married to the guy. After she told me what she was doing (with her boss) I was extremely shocked. I just couldn't believe she was doing that. He was such a great guy!

 

Anyway, it eventually turned out that her boss's wife found out about what the two of them were doing, and sent an e-mail to my best friends husband. I remember that like it was yesterday. I just so happened to be at their house when all this went down. She was making every excuse in the book. Finally, she ran into the bedroom crying, and he came up to me and looked me dead in the eyes and asked me whether or not she was cheating on him, and that he trusts me.

 

Ouch! I hate lieing! But my loyalties did lay with her. After I told him that she was not cheating on him, you could see the look of relief on his face. I still feel terrible to this day about that, but even though I was brought into it, I had to remain loyal to her.

 

Anyway, I think you did the right thing by not telling him about it. Even though you disagreed with what she was doing, she is still your friend.

[imagine]

Hi Erika,

 

I do understand your situation. If I were the husband and found that she was cheating on me, I would consider you an enabler. I would chop you from her group of friends because you would not support our marriage.

 

No offense.

[EricaH329]

Hi Erika,

 

I do understand your situation. If I were the husband and found that she was cheating on me, I would consider you an enabler. I would chop you from her group of friends because you would not support our marriage.

 

No offense.

 

Point very well understood. But on the contrary... I do support her marriage, but because this is what she wants. Even though I do not agree with her actions, I cannot make her decisions for her. Nor am I one to go against what she tells her husband. This is her problem to deal with.

 

I think it's pretty obvious that her husbands wants and needs in her marriage aren't of any concern to her. If he were to ever find out that she did actually cheat on him, I don't think his decision to cut me out of their lives would really make any difference.

 

With that said, if he were to decide that I am an enabler, I believe he should take into consideration the fact that my loyalties lay with her. Not him. I've known her for almost 10 years now. The only reason him and I met is because of her. You should know that asking a best friend of your wifes if she is cheating on you or not, that you most probably won't get the correct answer.

 

Again, I do not support what she is doing. But I have no right to reveal information to other people that she does not want revealed. Not my place.

[samsungxoxo]

Again, I do not support what she is doing. But I have no right to reveal information to other people that she does not want revealed. Not my place.

Very well said, as it's none of your business in the first place. That's what those other people who would rather betrayed a friendship don't know. Besides nothing can be kept a secret, the husband will find out on his own one day or someone else will spill the beans out. In that case that's her problem as you remained loyal to her so she can't blame you there if that were to happened. All you can said in that case is something like ''Oh well that's your problem, you fix it it now''...

[LaDiva]

Methink he does the same.. and she probably knows it..

 

It is NOT your business... why would you take his side instead of your friend...

 

I would never ever hurt my best friend... it would be HER business.. and it would never alter our friendship..

 

Methink you might be jealous of her and want to get back at her that way..

 

I agree with this poster.

 

I'm glad you shared "your" dilemma... asked LS "what to do?" and even gave a suggestion i.e. : should I tell her bf on the low.

 

If I were you, which I am not... I have my own issues at the moment! Hi!

 

"What to do?" Well, I would evaluate the friendship that you have with this girl. We all have friend's who do dirt, but to do it on a regular basis says a lot about her. And if you hang with her a lot, this says a lot about you. If she behaves this way on a consistent basis to someone she is in love with and is the ONE. Why would you continue your friendship with her? Are you her BEST friend?

 

We as women have what's called the girlfriend code. If you don't know about it, then it leads me to believe that you are not the best friend. And if that's the case, you can do whatever you want, if it will appease your conscience. Tell him, but like another poster said... don't do it anonymously.

 

Do you have feelings for her BF? I wouldn't go as far to say the BF is cheating, but I'm pretty sure that his friends and family have told him their concerns about his "hot girlfriend" far away in college.

 

My question is, what do you gain from either scenario? The peace of mind knowing that there is one less cheater in the world or relief from knowing that you no longer have to live vicariously through your girl friend?

[LaDiva]

I meant see how things progress as in maybe she will come to her senses and tell him herself. I can't imagine the guilt that she feels compared to mine. But the responses I've received on here have put things into perspective and I appreciate that!

 

Maybe I just don't have the balls to do it myself. Any volunteers to send him a msg through facebook are welcomed Even though it is better for my friend in the end (not to mention nobody deserves to be cheated on behind their back) its hard for me to end their relationship for them. I would feel like I am stabbing my friend in the back (because we are really close). You can argue that she is not worth having as a friend, but to me personally, she has been nothing but a loyal/great friend. But being a loyal/great friend I should do what is also best for her too right?

 

 

While I respect Darth and others for saying that something needs to be said. I don't know... the way you are going on about this is all wrong.

 

I could see if you were going to tell your Bestie that her BF was cheating on HER. This directly affects her.

 

But how does her cheating on her BF affect you?

 

I question your motives

[LaDiva]

What do you suggest would be the best way to tell the BF? What should I say?

 

I've never met the guy or anything like that, but I am pretty sure I want to do it anonymously.

 

OP is going to do what she wants anyway... however, I think you need to make your intentions known to your best friend if you are going to tell her BF.

 

I see from your previous posts that you are still trying to get out of it. You want it done, because you "care" but you really don't want to do it yourself.

 

Don't let us hype you up. We just have opinions.

[LaDiva]

As a guy that has done what some of the people here suggest you should do (I told my friend's girlfriend he was cheating on her), I can tell you this. If you go and tell on your friend, you're as guilty and as bad as she is.

 

The reason is this. You say she is a GOOD friend, so you're betraying your friend.

 

Your friend trusts you and would never expect you to CHEAT ON HER.

 

Do what you like, but I've done this deed before, and trust me these people on this thread are full of self righteous BS. You have no right to be judge and jury on your friend. If you don't like it walk away and don't be friends with her.

 

What right do you have to judge her and betray her? That doesn't make her a bad person and you a better person. That makes you the exact same, and when she finds out and she probably will even if you keep it quiet. She will say that your a self righteous piece of crap that backstabbed and betrayed a friend.

 

She would also be correct in saying so. I know because my friend said the same thing to my face.

 

So do what you like. But I think the people here crack me up. They're quick to judge a cheater without realizing their self righteousness clouds the fact that they're advocating backstabbing.

 

In fact if doing the right thing is so important. Tell your friend you're going to tell her BF, don't cheat and backstab her, and see what she has to say about it. I bet she's going to rip your head off and won't be your friend anymore.

 

We have no right to judge our friends. The only right we have is to walk away if we don't like them.

 

 

I wish I would've seen this post, because I totally agree with you.. I just read that she doesn't EVEN know this guy.

 

If I had've seen that you wrote exactly this... I would've never responded to this BS post

[LaDiva]

Basically I decided its none of my business to get directly involved with her wrongdoings.

 

I told her that it was good that she told him that she was unfaithful, but at the same time I told her she should have been completely truthful as it defeats the purpose if she lies about what has been going on.

 

 

What is to prevent you from getting the itch to tell her next BF her actions?

 

If it bothers you this much, then like I said you should re-evaluate your friendship with her.

[lkjh]

Point very well understood. But on the contrary... I do support her marriage, but because this is what she wants. Even though I do not agree with her actions, I cannot make her decisions for her. Nor am I one to go against what she tells her husband. This is her problem to deal with.

 

I think it's pretty obvious that her husbands wants and needs in her marriage aren't of any concern to her. If he were to ever find out that she did actually cheat on him, I don't think his decision to cut me out of their lives would really make any difference.

 

With that said, if he were to decide that I am an enabler, I believe he should take into consideration the fact that my loyalties lay with her. Not him. I've known her for almost 10 years now. The only reason him and I met is because of her. You should know that asking a best friend of your wifes if she is cheating on you or not, that you most probably won't get the correct answer.

 

Again, I do not support what she is doing. But I have no right to reveal information to other people that she does not want revealed. Not my place.

 

 

I am sorry but that is horrible. This guy seemed to have trusted you(which was stupid) and you allowed her to confide in you, and then you covered for her. On top of that you are now a liar. I know you were put in a very bad situation and that is not your5 fault but remember what goes around comes around.

 

You are not supporting her marriage.

 

I know you met him through her but I am sure he still considers you a friend and I feel very sorry for him.

 

What ever happen to them?

[lkjh]

Also, Erica I respect the fact that you feel your loyalties lay with her but you have to remember that you need to be true to yourself. Your situation is very different because the H directly asked you and you degraded yourself by lying and enabling infidelity.

[EricaH329]

I am sorry but that is horrible. This guy seemed to have trusted you(which was stupid) and you allowed her to confide in you, and then you covered for her. On top of that you are now a liar. I know you were put in a very bad situation and that is not your5 fault but remember what goes around comes around.

 

You are not supporting her marriage.

 

I know you met him through her but I am sure he still considers you a friend and I feel very sorry for him.

 

What ever happen to them?

 

Alright, so say I did tell him that she cheated on him. I would betray my 10 year friendship with my best friend, because a guy that I met only a year prior asked me a question about their relationship (nothing to do with me) and I revealed information to him that she did not want revealed (also, nothing to do with me, not my business).

 

So there goes my friendship. She trusted me by telling me what she was doing, and I betrayed her. But I did not lie. And because I did not lie, the only good thing that came out of it would be just that. I lost a dear friendship to me.

 

Now because I was put in the middle of something that was not my business, and had no right to be brought into, I backed my best friend up. If this is what she feels is best for her life, and the way she goes about expressing that to others (whether it be in truth or lies) is none of my business. But as her friend, the person she trusted in, I must be supportive.

 

This lie did not effect my life. Again, I do not agree with cheating at all. I've told her this many many times. But I am not one to judge her. I can only tell her my opinion and leave it at that. Hoping she will make the best decision. But if she chooses not to, I will respect that.

 

As far as the both of them go, she stopped cheating on him and they are still married. He still does not know of this.

 

Also, Erica I respect the fact that you feel your loyalties lay with her but you have to remember that you need to be true to yourself. Your situation is very different because the H directly asked you and you degraded yourself by lying and enabling infidelity.

 

I would have degraded myself to a much higher extent if I would have betrayed my best friend. When put into that situation, I had to decide whether to be truthful, or to remain loyal to someone who has always remained loyal to me. There was no question about it.

[EricaH329]

Also, I must add that I own up to my own mistakes. I always take responsibility for my own actions. Even if that means it will hurt someone. But I will not, under any circumstances, throw my best friend under the bus because of a mistake she made. That's her call on whether or not she wants to do that. Not mine.

[lkjh]

I see your points but I think you miss the fact that you didn't have to lie. You could have said something like "I don't know", instead you helped by lying. Backing up a friend is great but what your friend required from you was horrible. If you stay friends with this couple 10 years down the road you may end up pretty good friends with him and then it could possibly eat at you. You literally helped deceive this guy into living a lie that will catch up him. He will find out one day and he probably expects something already. At that point, years of his life will have been wasted. Do you ever feel sorry for him? You do know she will cheat again right? I guess what I am trying to figure out is how people live knowing they helped this happen. Does it ever bother you? When you hang out with them do you ever feel bad?

 

Your situation is done and over with, there isn't anything you can do about it now. But, do you really think it is good idea to advise others to do the same?

 

Don't get me wrong, if I was in your place I probably would have played dumb and pretended I didn't know. I know the right thing is to tell but I understand that is hard.

[lkjh]

Also, I must add that I own up to my own mistakes. I always take responsibility for my own actions. Even if that means it will hurt someone. But I will not, under any circumstances, throw my best friend under the bus because of a mistake she made. That's her call on whether or not she wants to do that. Not mine.

 

You didn't do that here.

[EricaH329]

I see your points but I think you miss the fact that you didn't have to lie. You could have said something like "I don't know", instead you helped by lying. Backing up a friend is great but what your friend required from you was horrible. If you stay friends with this couple 10 years down the road you may end up pretty good friends with him and then it could possibly eat at you. You literally helped deceive this guy into living a lie that will catch up him. He will find out one day and he probably expects something already. At that point, years of his life will have been wasted. Do you ever feel sorry for him? You do know she will cheat again right? I guess what I am trying to figure out is how people live knowing they helped this happen. Does it ever bother you? When you hang out with them do you ever feel bad?

 

Your situation is done and over with, there isn't anything you can do about it now. But, do you really think it is good idea to advise others to do the same?

 

Don't get me wrong, if I was in your place I probably would have played dumb and pretended I didn't know. I know the right thing is to tell but I understand that is hard.

 

Really quick, take a look at the part in bold that you wrote. Yes, I could have told him that I didn't know... but wouldn't that be considered lieing also?? Since I did know?? Is what you are trying to say is that some lies are alright?

 

As far as me feeling bad about it, yes, of course I feel bad about it. I feel bad for him for being put in a situation like that (even though he doesn't know about it). I don't believe that cheating is alright under any circumstance. However, again I must say that it is none of my business.

 

Also, as bad as this might make me sound, I do not owe her husband anything. I like him as a human being, he's a good guy, but if she were not with him I would not be friends with him.

 

You didn't do that here.

 

Because it was not my place to. If I was the one who cheated (which would have never happened to begin with) I would have immediatly admitted to my wrong doings. Since this wasn't about me, I lied for my best friends sake, this is not my place to admit anything.