ybot Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I have a good friend who is cheating on her boyfriend. A little background... My friend is an extremely attractive and playful female. She is in a long distance relationship and only sees her boyfriend for about 3-4 months out of the year. When they are apart, she is cheating on him. She likes to go out and have fun like normal college students do, but at the same time doesn't want to let go of her boyfriend. However, given her personality, I just feel like she is strangling herself and her boyfriend by staying together in their relationship. When I talk to her about her wrongdoings, she says she knows what she is doing is wrong, but she WONT tell her boyfriend as he doesn't deserve to be hurt like that. The usual "sparing his feelings" mentality. Not to mention she feels like he is the "ONE" Not only do I feel like the boyfriend deserves to know what is going on (especially if they get serious i.e. marriage), but I just do not think it is healthy for my friend to be doing what she is doing. I just feel like this is going to keep continuing and its not good for anyone involved, so it has to stop somewhere. Any thoughts of what to do? Is it none of my business? I want to reveal her cheating to her boyfriend, but would prefer to do it anonymously as to keep my relationship with my friend intact. But is that a twisted thing to do? TIA
lostsunsets Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 He must know, however it happens. If you want to do it anonymously, its up to you. You are not trying to prove something to someone. Do it.
utterer of lies Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I have a good friend who is cheating on her boyfriend. A little background... My friend is an extremely attractive and playful female. She is in a long distance relationship and only sees her boyfriend for about 3-4 months out of the year. When they are apart, she is cheating on him. She likes to go out and have fun like normal college students do, but at the same time doesn't want to let go of her boyfriend. However, given her personality, I just feel like she is strangling herself and her boyfriend by staying together in their relationship. When I talk to her about her wrongdoings, she says she knows what she is doing is wrong, but she WONT tell her boyfriend as he doesn't deserve to be hurt like that. The usual "sparing his feelings" mentality. Not to mention she feels like he is the "ONE" Not only do I feel like the boyfriend deserves to know what is going on (especially if they get serious i.e. marriage), but I just do not think it is healthy for my friend to be doing what she is doing. I just feel like this is going to keep continuing and its not good for anyone involved, so it has to stop somewhere. Any thoughts of what to do? Is it none of my business? I want to reveal her cheating to her boyfriend, but would prefer to do it anonymously as to keep my relationship with my friend intact. But is that a twisted thing to do? TIA Either you should tell it openly and not anonymously, or you don't tell it at all. The friendship isn't worth anything anyway if you have to resort to behind the back strategies.
lkjh Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 "he's the one", that is just sick. She wants to marry him but yet cheats on him. She is a cake eater. Tell through facebook and ask him not to rat you out. But he needs to know before he makes a huge mistake
reservoirdog1 Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 What a selfish bitch. She cheats on him, refuses to be honest with him out of supposed regard for his "feelings" (how very noble of her), and keeps him attached to her because he's "the one". I'll leave aside the issue of whether or not you should stay friends with such a selfish bitch. If you do want to stay friends, however, let the matter drop between you and her. Lull her into a false sense of security. Hang out with her more, and act enthusiastic when you're with her. After a couple of months of this, send him an anonymous note. The object of the above exercise is to hopefully remove yourself from suspicion. Of course, she might still figure out that it was you, and the friendship will probably then end. But really, what will you have lost anyway?
girl68 Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Are you close with the your friends bf? If you are not, don't tell. Your loyalty is to your friend. If you don't like her wrong doings, don't be around when it happens, don't talk about it, and don't be involved (if you party with her when she finds guys to hook up with). Just stay far away. If she asks what's up be honest. Tell her it bugs you, and you don't want to hear or see it. If you are close to the bf, I would tell. But I would also ensure that he promises your annonimity. Tell him you have something important he should know about but he musn't reveal who told him. Never reveal a source so they say right? Anyways that's what I would do.
Lizzie60 Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Methink he does the same.. and she probably knows it.. It is NOT your business... why would you take his side instead of your friend... I would never ever hurt my best friend... it would be HER business.. and it would never alter our friendship.. Methink you might be jealous of her and want to get back at her that way..
Javelin Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I have a good friend who is cheating on her boyfriend. A little background... My friend is an extremely attractive and playful female. She is in a long distance relationship and only sees her boyfriend for about 3-4 months out of the year. When they are apart, she is cheating on him. She likes to go out and have fun like normal college students do, but at the same time doesn't want to let go of her boyfriend. However, given her personality, I just feel like she is strangling herself and her boyfriend by staying together in their relationship. When I talk to her about her wrongdoings, she says she knows what she is doing is wrong, but she WONT tell her boyfriend as he doesn't deserve to be hurt like that. The usual "sparing his feelings" mentality. Not to mention she feels like he is the "ONE" Not only do I feel like the boyfriend deserves to know what is going on (especially if they get serious i.e. marriage), but I just do not think it is healthy for my friend to be doing what she is doing. I just feel like this is going to keep continuing and its not good for anyone involved, so it has to stop somewhere. Any thoughts of what to do? Is it none of my business? I want to reveal her cheating to her boyfriend, but would prefer to do it anonymously as to keep my relationship with my friend intact. But is that a twisted thing to do? TIA Who knows if she won't someday try an get in your boyfriend or husband's pants? The sad thing is that you'd never know because she's too much of a coward to tell the truth. Let her boyfriend know and drop her as a friend.
lkjh Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Methink he does the same.. and she probably knows it.. It is NOT your business... why would you take his side instead of your friend... I would never ever hurt my best friend... it would be HER business.. and it would never alter our friendship.. Methink you might be jealous of her and want to get back at her that way.. Where do you get this?
lilmrcheerful Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 My opinion would be that if he needed to know it should be coming from her as coming from someone else would make him feel even worse. It's your friends problem and her responsibility as ultimately you could be blamed for this. You could be facing the scenario whereby you tell him and she denies it, it could also be seen as you hitting on him! You could potentially lose two friends in one hit in your attempt to do a good deed! I think the only thing you can do, if it concerns you that much, is to try and convince her to either tell her bf what she's up to OR at least tell her to reconsider her actions and try to stop the cheating, if both fails then just let it go.
Author ybot Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 Thanks for the responses! I'm hoping she is just young and naive, but her logic and stubbornness is cause for concern. The boyfriend definitely should know...but i just can't bring myself to do it at the moment thinking of the consequences and such. I felt like finding a way to tell him anonymously would be the easy way to do things for me. The thing is she is a person that needs someone around her at all times. However, being in a long distance relationship is asking for trouble for that type of person. I guess I'll see how things progress and hopefully she will come around. Has anyone been in a situation like this?
girl68 Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 WHY would you associate with this type of person? Agreeing with a persons decisions and mistakes is one thing, and being friends with said person is another. So what if I have friends who screw around on men. I also have male friends who screw around on girls. I am not doing such, so don't judge me for such. If you're the type of person who is going to get through life based on false generalizations and axeing friends because they make ****ty mistakes from time to time, good luck having any meaningful relationship with any human on the face of the earth.
Javelin Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Agreeing with a persons decisions and mistakes is one thing, and being friends with said person is another. So what if I have friends who screw around on men. I also have male friends who screw around on girls. I am not doing such, so don't judge me for such. Well, it won't be long until they screw you over. If you're the type of person who is going to get through life based on false generalizations and axeing friends because they make ****ty mistakes from time to time, good luck having any meaningful relationship with any human on the face of the earth. False Generalizations? How so? She's a serial cheater and you're well aware of it! ****ty mistakes? It's not like she's cheated once, she's cheated several times for self validation. Seriously, that's not someone to associate yourself with in my opinion, because it won't be long before she's cheating with your boyfriend. What makes you think that she'd care about your feelings when the time comes? She can't even tell her damn boyfriend that she's cheating. However, I think I understand where you stand with her. As long as she's not doing it to you, her actions are okay. If that's the case, why do you care about her boyfriend's feelings? Don't get involved if your friend is just making ****ty mistakes. It isn't worth losing such a wonderful, dependable, and trustworthy friend.
Woggle Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 I find it very interesting to see the difference in responses in this thread compared to other one about her BF's roomate cheating.
girl68 Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Sweetheart, dearest, just because my friend wrongs her boyfriend, doesn't mean she's going to come after mine. You can say that all you like, but it's never happened, and until it does (which it won't) what does it matter? You don't think my own boyfriend knows how to turn a girl down? Please. And if you read my original post I would have said right there, I would only care about her bf, if I was close with him. Otherwise, you're right- I don't care about his feelings. And do you realize I quoted the guy who quoted me, and then you respond to that. My statements regarding generalizations were not for you.
Javelin Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Sweetheart, dearest, just because my friend wrongs her boyfriend, doesn't mean she's going to come after mine. You can say that all you like, but it's never happened, and until it does (which it won't) what does it matter? You don't think my own boyfriend knows how to turn a girl down? Please. And if you read my original post I would have said right there, I would only care about her bf, if I was close with him. Otherwise, you're right- I don't care about his feelings. And do you realize I quoted the guy who quoted me, and then you respond to that. My statements regarding generalizations were not for you. My apologies, I wrote that after waking up and I'll edit it so it doesn't sound like it's towards you. I was quoting you, to make a point. Correction, I cannot edit it.. - Moral of the story is, just because you don't think it'll happen to you, think again. I learned that the hard way.
Darth Vader Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Thanks for the responses! I'm hoping she is just young and naive, but her logic and stubbornness is cause for concern. The boyfriend definitely should know...but i just can't bring myself to do it at the moment thinking of the consequences and such. I felt like finding a way to tell him anonymously would be the easy way to do things for me. The thing is she is a person that needs someone around her at all times. However, being in a long distance relationship is asking for trouble for that type of person. I guess I'll see how things progress and hopefully she will come around. Has anyone been in a situation like this? If she's cheating on her boyfriend, then she's really no friend of yours. Would you want to be friends with a person who's screwing around on someone else that they profess to everyone they love? That's not love. Someone who loves someone else doesn't put them at risk for STD's! Lady, you can call him from a payphone, or however you want, inform him of what's been going on, you will want to inform him so he can get checked for STD's. If he'll know who you are just by calling him, well, tell him, that you wanted him to know before he ended up married to a cake eater like her! Yes, he'll be hurt, he may say things to you, just remember that he'll have a hard time excepting this. But at least then he'll have the knowledge of what's going on. He may suspect something himself. There're people on here who wished they had someone like you to tell them about their cheating partner before they married them, I remember one guy on here (can't remember his name) who found out about his wife's cheating before the marriage, come to find out, other people knew it and didn't bother to tell him, so he basically wasted so many years of his life with the wrong person. He's divorced now. So yes it is your business to tell! Many people on here telling you not to tell, are cheaters themselves, so that tells you, they're routing for another cheater like themselves! Just remember, your friend whos cheating on her boyfriend is not your friend at all!
Javelin Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 If she's cheating on her boyfriend, then she's really no friend of yours. Would you want to be friends with a person who's screwing around on someone else that they profess to everyone they love? That's not love. Someone who loves someone else doesn't put them at risk for STD's! Lady, you can call him from a payphone, or however you want, inform him of what's been going on, you will want to inform him so he can get checked for STD's. If he'll know who you are just by calling him, well, tell him, that you wanted him to know before he ended up married to a cake eater like her! Yes, he'll be hurt, he may say things to you, just remember that he'll have a hard time excepting this. But at least then he'll have the knowledge of what's going on. He may suspect something himself. There're people on here who wished they had someone like you to tell them about their cheating partner before they married them, I remember one guy on here (can't remember his name) who found out about his wife's cheating before the marriage, come to find out, other people knew it and didn't bother to tell him, so he basically wasted so many years of his life with the wrong person. He's divorced now. So yes it is your business to tell! Many people on here telling you not to tell, are cheaters themselves, so that tells you, they're routing for another cheater like themselves! Just remember, your friend whos cheating on her boyfriend is not your friend at all! I whole heartedly agree!
russelA Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 what you think was okay in the last part that you will tell the boyfriend but anonymously, there's no wrong about that because your friend is cheating and your just concerned about her and his boyfriend too. this girl is not feeling the words she said that "he's the one" because, if he is the one, she should not to do the things she's doing right now like cheating. there is no fire that can't be seen, her boyfriend might know what she's doing behind his back through his friends too, who knows...
In Like Flynn Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I guess I'll see how things progress Progress into what??? Pregnacy, STD's for him also etc??? I guess it comes down to whether or not you have integrity and what kind of person you are. If you don't tell then I hope Karma hits you with your future husband cheating on you for a long time and have a mutual friend know but didn't what to upset anyone and let it go on for a long time. Maybe even resulting in the OW getting pregnant.
Darth Vader Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I guess I'll see how things progress Progress into what??? Pregnacy, STD's for him also etc??? I guess it comes down to whether or not you have integrity and what kind of person you are. If you don't tell then I hope Karma hits you with your future husband cheating on you for a long time and have a mutual friend know but didn't what to upset anyone and let it go on for a long time. Maybe even resulting in the OW getting pregnant. Maybe that's a little hard for you saying that "I hope Karma hits you with your future husband cheating on you for a long time and have a mutual friend know but didn't what to upset anyone and let it go on for a long time." I can see she's having a difficult time with this one, however, she does need to act, and soon.
Author ybot Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 I guess I'll see how things progress Progress into what??? Pregnacy, STD's for him also etc??? I guess it comes down to whether or not you have integrity and what kind of person you are. If you don't tell then I hope Karma hits you with your future husband cheating on you for a long time and have a mutual friend know but didn't what to upset anyone and let it go on for a long time. Maybe even resulting in the OW getting pregnant. I meant see how things progress as in maybe she will come to her senses and tell him herself. I can't imagine the guilt that she feels compared to mine. But the responses I've received on here have put things into perspective and I appreciate that! Maybe I just don't have the balls to do it myself. Any volunteers to send him a msg through facebook are welcomed Even though it is better for my friend in the end (not to mention nobody deserves to be cheated on behind their back) its hard for me to end their relationship for them. I would feel like I am stabbing my friend in the back (because we are really close). You can argue that she is not worth having as a friend, but to me personally, she has been nothing but a loyal/great friend. But being a loyal/great friend I should do what is also best for her too right?
RedDevil66 Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 One of my closest friends that I knew for over 35 yrs was cheating on her boyfriend of 3 yrs. This guy was an truly outstanding guy. I caught her cheating on him be accident. At the time I was dating and was on an on-line dating site. The guy I met up with for drinks told me he knew my friend b/c they were dating for the 3 months prior to meeting me. I was like "What, she's been with the same guy for 3 yrs" He was shocked b/c he used to go to her work for breakfast and her BF worked where she did. I was total DISGUSTED! It took me weeks to make the decision, but everyone was telling me her BF needed to know It was messing, really messy, but I told him and he was devastated and she was a TOTAL B*TCH about it all. He was glad I told him. He is now happy and met a great girl I lost my friend and I do not regret it for one minute. Now, I have another friend who's cheated on her boyfriend of 18 yrs about 10 times. I never told him. I just can't
lkjh Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 she doesn't seem like the type that will feel guilt. I know girls like that, they cheat and don't care. Stopping thinking about it and tell him
Author ybot Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 What do you suggest would be the best way to tell the BF? What should I say? I've never met the guy or anything like that, but I am pretty sure I want to do it anonymously.
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