broken_promises Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 This is the first time in any breakup that I have gone NC. It has been three weeks since I moved out. We had one brief email exchange and that was it. And yes, I know that in the midst of that exchange (when I replied and then was waiting for his reply) it was very painful and full of anxiety. It is a very different anxiety than the one I am feeling currently where I just want to call him or hear from him. Anyway - because I have never done NC, I really and truly feel like I am playing some sort of stubborn game. It just doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like I am being honest with myself or my ex. I am the type of person who, if I am feeling something, I want to express it to the person I am feeling it about. I'm not trying to achieve anything with contact (although I have had exes not understand that in the past and think I was trying to either win them back or prove a point or something) but rather just be genuine in my feelings. And, equally, it feels like NC is a game of "who is going to break contact first" even though everyone tries to paint it as "they don't want to talk to you." In other words, if my ex was talking to someone about wanting to call me and someone said, "Don't, dude... obviously, if she wanted to call you, she would." it wouldn't be the truth. I *do* want him to call. So, when the advice is reversed on me and people tell me calling is pointless because he doesn't want to hear from me, I have to wonder if that is true or not. I mean, you can argue that actions speak louder than words... but my actions of NC are *not* speaking the truth. It is supposed to say "I've moved on and don't need you" but that is not the reality. The reality is that I am hurting and miss him, even though we are through and do not want to get back together. I guess I just feel like those are not mutually exclusive feelings... you CAN miss and love someone you were with for 3-1/2 years AND also know that things were not working out and you don't want to get back together. Anyway - sorry for the long ramble.
hopesndreams Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 This is the first time in any breakup that I have gone NC. It has been three weeks since I moved out. We had one brief email exchange and that was it. And yes, I know that in the midst of that exchange (when I replied and then was waiting for his reply) it was very painful and full of anxiety. It is a very different anxiety than the one I am feeling currently where I just want to call him or hear from him. Anyway - because I have never done NC, I really and truly feel like I am playing some sort of stubborn game. It just doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like I am being honest with myself or my ex. I am the type of person who, if I am feeling something, I want to express it to the person I am feeling it about. I'm not trying to achieve anything with contact (although I have had exes not understand that in the past and think I was trying to either win them back or prove a point or something) but rather just be genuine in my feelings. And, equally, it feels like NC is a game of "who is going to break contact first" even though everyone tries to paint it as "they don't want to talk to you." In other words, if my ex was talking to someone about wanting to call me and someone said, "Don't, dude... obviously, if she wanted to call you, she would." it wouldn't be the truth. I *do* want him to call. So, when the advice is reversed on me and people tell me calling is pointless because he doesn't want to hear from me, I have to wonder if that is true or not. I mean, you can argue that actions speak louder than words... but my actions of NC are *not* speaking the truth. It is supposed to say "I've moved on and don't need you" but that is not the reality. The reality is that I am hurting and miss him, even though we are through and do not want to get back together. I guess I just feel like those are not mutually exclusive feelings... you CAN miss and love someone you were with for 3-1/2 years AND also know that things were not working out and you don't want to get back together. Anyway - sorry for the long ramble. The dumpee uses NC for survival. If the dumper wanted to call you, he would. He doesn't need to ask his buddies. The dumpee either waits anxiously for that call or just plain waits for the call, and in the meantime, they don't sit anxiously by the phone, they are out living their lives just as the dumper is doing. He did the breaking up, right? If so, continue NC, for your own sanity. If he wants ya, he knows how to get hold of ya.
adamt Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 No I don't see NC as a game. I see it as a way to keep my head clear and think straight. Look back and see where things might have gone wrong. Help get my emotions under control. Keep my self respect and rebuild my confidence. Look to move on. Yes i would like my ex to call me and want to work things out but i'm focusing on myself. I'm assuming the ex is keeping NC because she is probably moving on and doesnt want to hurt my feelings anymore by giving me false hope. I can see how if people keep in contact is muddies the water. I'm in my late 30s, maybe at my age people play less games and know what they want and dont like wasting time.
carhill Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 No contact is simply a time-proven method of detoxing the chemistry in your brain associated with the stimulus this person provided. It's not a game, or at the very most, it's a game with your own body. For a person with the psychology of having to get all their feelings out, a 'manifesto' meeting is the perfect vehicle, if it is possible. Otherwise, write a manifesto letter, set it aside for a few days and then decide whether or not to send it. After that point, there must be a conscious decision to refocus onto other aspects of living besides the impetus for the feelings. Whether the other person comes back or not is irrelevant. The relevance is changing how one feels about that and about how one processes those feelings. Making positive change.
moo Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I'm in my late 30s, maybe at my age people play less games and know what they want and dont like wasting time. Don't count on it. My ex is 39 and one of the most immature people I have ever met in my life. His ex-wife calls him "Peter Pan." My therapist said he exhibited the behaviors of a 5 year old.
carhill Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Life experience generally teaches us tools for more healthy living, if we're willing to learn. Some people are, some aren't. Further, some people have issues which reach far beyond relationships and for which relationships are merely a repository for those burdens and an indicator of their unhealthiness.
Author broken_promises Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 Hopes - no, the actual breakup was pretty mutual (although I do feel like I would have stayed if he had thought working on it was worth it.) So, it wasn't a dumper/dumpee thing. Also, I think we both had been thinking about it for a long time (I know I had been) yet I am still struggling with the breakup. So, I guess part of me believes/wants to believe that he must be too. Carhill - great advice on the manifesto letter. Oddly enough, when my ex and I were having a breakup discussion, he asked for me to write something like that. (Of course, it was in the context of not being able to deal with criticism directed at him about his actions in the relationship.) And thanks for this brilliant line: "Further, some people have issues which reach far beyond relationships and for which relationships are merely a repository for those burdens and an indicator of their unhealthiness."
Beeotch Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I completely get what you're feeling, I have also felt the same...however, in my situation, I did express ALL my feelings. I emailed my ex about 5 different lengthy emails (even an apology although I did nothing wrong, apologizing for all the other emails I sent him expressing my feelings and questioning him)....I texted him and chased him down to say whatever was on my mind: good or bad...mostly good, mostly saying I would be there for him, I still loved him, I would stand by him...blah blah And you know what? It made no difference. I know he cares but he has issues of expressing his emotions and then he hides it behind nonchalance and arrogance. I then decided to do NC...because doing all that was tearing me up. I was tiiiiired of having phone conversations, text conversations, emails pouring out my heart and soul for him only to trivialize it. In my case...I have done MORE THAN ENOUGH to show him I care. So what else can I do? Issues or not....I cannot chase him for life. So if he is sitting down thinking of me or wanting to call me or talk..that is up to HIM...it is not up to me any longer. It's not a game for me...it's the real deal. Yea I miss him sometimes, yea I wonder if he cares but I am not gonna break NC because he has to man up! He has reached out to me twice: text and IM....and it was very lame. I responded and he left the conversation hanging. Then I feel like wtf...leave me alone...don't bother to contact me if you're going to do that. Then it makes me angrier than when I wasn't speaking to him. So for me: NC is me getting over him and getting what I deserve. I have done waaaaaaaaaaaay too much. He is fully aware of all my feelings and intentions and it is no longer up to me to chase him. It is HIS turn now if he cares to put aside pride, ego, fears and all that.
SRTtoZ Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Agreed with Beeotch. Thats all you can do...Reach out and let them know how you feel and then let it go...If they come back, maybe work things out...if they dont, then you're already on the road to recovery. Thats the entire point of NC!
adamt Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Agreed with Beeotch. Thats all you can do...Reach out and let them know how you feel and then let it go...If they come back, maybe work things out...if they dont, then you're already on the road to recovery. Thats the entire point of NC! Exactly, tell them at the time of the break up how you feel. Then after that it has to be them who comes back by their own choice. Pleading,begging,pestering..etc will not work and in most cases reaffirm their decision to dump you because you come across a nut case. But in most cases they will not come back anyway and you use NC to get your life back in order and move on
evaG Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Between July 2nd, the breakup date and today, my ex and I exchanged 30 emails. 12 of those emails were about trying to be friends afterwards (which I now regret exchanging). The rest were about nothings really; they were short two sentence random things we found on the internet or whatever. That's exactly what NC is. A ball game. You hit the ball back into their court and anxiously wait. So you should just take the ball when it's in your court and start NC. That way, you have the power. I've finally decided to keep NC. It's been two days since I've made contact on my end. He recently responded to my email from two days ago today. It feels good having the ball in my court and not hitting it back for once.
hrtbrk hotel tenant Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 yeah the pt of NC is to heal like most said if tell ur ex how u feel then leave them alone. Now in my instance i have yet to start NC(tryin today though) normally i dont call but NC is No Contact whatsoever. I have her passwrd for emails,phone records etc and i have been checkin them but i am stoppin as of today cuz it delays my healing process and i am an emotional wreck rt now. NC is not really a game it is to allow time apart and maybe start anew some day or move on with life maybe with someone new.
hrtbrk hotel tenant Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 yeah the pt of NC is to heal like most said if tell ur ex how u feel then leave them alone. Now in my instance i have yet to start NC(tryin today though) normally i dont call but NC is No Contact whatsoever. I have her passwrd for emails,phone records etc and i have been checkin them but i am stoppin as of today cuz it delays my healing process and i am an emotional wreck rt now. NC is not really a game it is to allow time apart and maybe start anew some day or move on with life maybe with someone new.
Leveller Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Sounds corny but do what you believe to be the right course. IMO lay out your feelings, see what response you get and if it suits your goals. Do not hound the SO if they have made it clear they do not want to be hounded. Use LC if you want to maintain the (event distant) lines of communication but move on with your life. Pressing the pause button will not work. Whether you change or not life changes around us.
vring81 Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 I think NC is a game but its more a game with myself than anything else. I have to play it so I dont pick up the phone and text or send an email.
SweetyBear Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 I think in the beginning when most everybody--in the back of his/her mind at least--is using NC in the hopes of getting their ex back, it is a game. Once you really and truly decide to move on, it's only about healing. I sent my ex a text on Sunday that said, "I will not bother you again. I love you very much and I'm sorry." I followed with a letter stating the same thing, but with a bit more about why I'm sorry and about how if he wants to talk to me, i will always be open to it. Every time I've wanted to pick up the phone in the past days since, I've pictured him looking at his phone, seeing it was me and rolling his eyes...clearly bothered and bored with my attempts. I really do think that's the reality of the situation. Do I know for sure? No. It's just having that mental image prevents me from making it all worse and makes me want to dive back into my life without him. He texted me late on Wednesday night with i miss you i love you. I got it on Thursday morning and was hoping it was a sign or something, but I didn't get out of control with it. I had resolved to get over this if that's what needed to be done, and I am determined to do it. So, I texted back i love you and miss you too. Nothing since. I'm not calling him because I sent him a positive response and got nothing back. I guess when I got to thinking about it, of course we love and miss each other. Apparently loving and missing me doesn't mean he wants me back though. It's probably my fault, but it doesn't make rejection after rejection easier to stomach. I think it's the hope that is most hurtful when you break NC. You hope this is the end of all this pain and we'll be blissfully happy together again. I know I kept thinking that there was one thing I wasn't saying or doing and if I could just figure it out, he'd come back to me. I drove myself crazy trying to figure out what that was. I guess I came to realize there's nothing I can do. He knows I'm sorry and he knows I love him and want him back in my life, but he has to decide if it's worth it to him. In the end, NC came down to respecting him in his decision not to be with me and respecting myself by deciding not to inflict any more pain on myself. He really is a good man and I hate it that it's the way it is, but I realized finally that if someone doesn't want to be with you, there's nothing at all you can do.
Beeotch Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I think in the beginning when most everybody--in the back of his/her mind at least--is using NC in the hopes of getting their ex back, it is a game. Once you really and truly decide to move on, it's only about healing. I sent my ex a text on Sunday that said, "I will not bother you again. I love you very much and I'm sorry." I followed with a letter stating the same thing, but with a bit more about why I'm sorry and about how if he wants to talk to me, i will always be open to it. Every time I've wanted to pick up the phone in the past days since, I've pictured him looking at his phone, seeing it was me and rolling his eyes...clearly bothered and bored with my attempts. I really do think that's the reality of the situation. Do I know for sure? No. It's just having that mental image prevents me from making it all worse and makes me want to dive back into my life without him. He texted me late on Wednesday night with i miss you i love you. I got it on Thursday morning and was hoping it was a sign or something, but I didn't get out of control with it. I had resolved to get over this if that's what needed to be done, and I am determined to do it. So, I texted back i love you and miss you too. Nothing since. I'm not calling him because I sent him a positive response and got nothing back. I guess when I got to thinking about it, of course we love and miss each other. Apparently loving and missing me doesn't mean he wants me back though. It's probably my fault, but it doesn't make rejection after rejection easier to stomach. I think it's the hope that is most hurtful when you break NC. You hope this is the end of all this pain and we'll be blissfully happy together again. I know I kept thinking that there was one thing I wasn't saying or doing and if I could just figure it out, he'd come back to me. I drove myself crazy trying to figure out what that was. I guess I came to realize there's nothing I can do. He knows I'm sorry and he knows I love him and want him back in my life, but he has to decide if it's worth it to him. In the end, NC came down to respecting him in his decision not to be with me and respecting myself by deciding not to inflict any more pain on myself. He really is a good man and I hate it that it's the way it is, but I realized finally that if someone doesn't want to be with you, there's nothing at all you can do. Couldn't have said it better... That is what it boils down to....cutting off this string that keeps you tethered to this person. Most times they KNOW how you feel....so it is silly to even believe that oh maybe one more email, phone call, text etc will assure them I still care. They already know. If you have said all your feelings...that is enough. I tell myself this EVERYDAY! My ex can go in his inbox on his phone as well as his email account and in his memory and recall exactly how I feel. So although I am not contacting him now...he cannot possibly believe that I woke up and magically stopped caring...therefore with ALL that information...one more call or text perhaps will not make any difference. He knows the deal...even if he is scared or whatnot...it doesn't matter, so was I many times...if he truly wants me back or wants to talk...he can muster up the courage to do so. But my part is DONE!
Sbrizio Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 And, equally, it feels like NC is a game of "who is going to break contact first" even though everyone tries to paint it as "they don't want to talk to you." In other words, if my ex was talking to someone about wanting to call me and someone said, "Don't, dude... obviously, if she wanted to call you, she would." it wouldn't be the truth. I *do* want him to call. So, when the advice is reversed on me and people tell me calling is pointless because he doesn't want to hear from me, I have to wonder if that is true or not. I mean, you can argue that actions speak louder than words... but my actions of NC are *not* speaking the truth. It is supposed to say "I've moved on and don't need you" but that is not the reality. The reality is that I am hurting and miss him, even though we are through and do not want to get back together. i can totally relate to this. I have several experiences of dumpers who miss and hurt for the loss of their SO, and i am sure that NC is, in most cases, a wall raised mostly by both sides "rational" wills than by feelings. But still, even if my ex misses me (and i'm sure she does), if she doesn't believe in the relationship as much as i do, and from the other side, i don't believe friendship to be possible at the present moment, NC remains the only possible option to avoid further hurting. I know from direct experience how long, desperate, painful can be remaining in contact. How much it can prevent you to find someone new, or even to stop hurting. I would think that NC is not a game, it's just a therapy. Some medical therapies might quite hard to follow, but still they can save us from greater sufferings. I feel for you, Broken.
grogster Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Does NC feel like a game? Not if you've gone NC for almost 5 years. It's very serious and real.
seb01 Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 do you think the dumper plans way ahead b4 they leave........i was seeing a a girl 4 four yrs and it has been really good when i first met her she had low confidence and stuff but i seemed 2 brought her out of her shell .......basically back to talking to other people cos i know she had a s..t past i would not say we had a proper romantic relashionship she was not into that but more getting pissed an stuff ..an i loved that aswell we would row an fight sometimes as u do over nothing really not like we lived together or anything ....i am no angel tho .but i have never cheated on her do not get me wrong i have flirted but not in that way ......the last few months things have been a bit rocky tho .she did not wanna hug .thought a just wanted 2 shag her etc ....anyway went out few weeks ago got pissed had another row this time she was havin none of it ....so i tryed 2 get bk called text etc .....so i left it 4 a bit ...few weeks l8tr was told she was seeing sum 1 else .....texed her a s..t/s..g next day apologised then she addmitted she had been seeing sum 1 .went straight 2 nc ...dont know what else 2 do ....i know she did love me tho f..k it or wot?
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