Mandyjanek Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I met a man 2 months ago who told me he was divorced. His wife had an affair and when he found out they went for counselling. She swore she had stopped the affair when in fact she was still seeing the other man. They are going through the divorce but she challenged the word "adultery" and asked for it to be changed! That was his reason for not being divorced yet due to the delay of changing the wording..hmmmm Anyhow - to cut a long story short, since she has found out about me she wants to try work at their marriage again. I have completely withdrawn from him and I am doing my utmost to 'wean' myself off him. Very upsetting. I can't compete with 20 yrs of marriage and three children. My situation is similar to Karma101's and I was just curious as to the outcome of her situation. Thanks PS - Has anyone had the experience of their boyfriend STAYING with them and proceeding with the divorce?
sugarmomma Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 He sounds like a liar and a cheater. Why waste your time on this loser? Please don't say because you love him or that he loves you. If he loved you he wouldn't put you through this crap. He would respect you enough to work out his issues and then come to you properly. Kick his ass to the curb.
MistyK Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 A good friend of mine had a similar situation. MM and his W were "seperated in the same house" after he found his W screwing a friend of his. Many other lack of respect and money issues were also present in the M, and they have one child. Anyway, my friend gets involved with the MM who hems and haws over moving out, moving back in, filing for D, etc. Finally the W moves out and files for D, but she continued to want to reconcile and did her best to try to disrupt my friend's R with the MM. At some point MM informed my friend that he was going back to his W and they went NC (in so far as they could since they worked together). Anyway, he realized the error of this quickly and in a month or so came around my friend again. After that there wasn't much waffling, though the D likely took longer than it really needed to. He and my friend bought a house and have been together the better part of 4 years now and have a son. There are a lot of residual issues as a result of how he handled the D and all that, but I think that's the unfortunate part of being involved with an MM. Take a deep breath and take one day at a time. What has he said to you? Is he considering his W's offer to reconcile or not? - your post wasn't clear on that. More importantly, what is he doing? Why do you feel like you have to compete - what is he doing to make you feel like that or are you just somewhat insecure by nature? BTW, it's easy enough to check his story on what's up with the D. Have you asked him to see the papers or gone to check the filings at the courthouse yourself?
GreenEyedLady Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 PS - Has anyone had the experience of their boyfriend STAYING with them and proceeding with the divorce? I think you are asking did anyone's MM leave the M and get D. If so, yes. Mine left his M and we are now married. Their are several other examples here as well: Owoman, Cliche, Complicatedlife, to name a few. It does happen. I would even say it happens in real life more often than people would like to admit. GEL
2sure Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Depending on the state they are filing in... Adultery is no longer grounds for divorce and an attorney wont even write it down. The court wont accept it. Hence, "Irreconcilable Differences". But from what I have heard - a few states still do.
tami-chan Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 I met a man 2 months ago who told me he was divorced. His wife had an affair and when he found out they went for counselling. She swore she had stopped the affair when in fact she was still seeing the other man. They are going through the divorce but she challenged the word "adultery" and asked for it to be changed! That was his reason for not being divorced yet due to the delay of changing the wording..hmmmm Anyhow - to cut a long story short, since she has found out about me she wants to try work at their marriage again. I have completely withdrawn from him and I am doing my utmost to 'wean' myself off him. Very upsetting. I can't compete with 20 yrs of marriage and three children. My situation is similar to Karma101's and I was just curious as to the outcome of her situation. Thanks PS - Has anyone had the experience of their boyfriend STAYING with them and proceeding with the divorce? Sure there are. But (I hate to say this) it looks like you were just the transitional GF.
bentnotbroken Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Depending on the state they are filing in... Adultery is no longer grounds for divorce and an attorney wont even write it down. The court wont accept it. Hence, "Irreconcilable Differences". But from what I have heard - a few states still do. Bingo. And if I remember right, there are only about 9 states(if that many) who even consider adultery for anything other than extra chaos.
LifesontheUp Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 I met a man 2 months ago who told me he was divorced. His wife had an affair and when he found out they went for counselling. She swore she had stopped the affair when in fact she was still seeing the other man. They are going through the divorce but she challenged the word "adultery" and asked for it to be changed! That was his reason for not being divorced yet due to the delay of changing the wording..hmmmm Anyhow - to cut a long story short, since she has found out about me she wants to try work at their marriage again. I have completely withdrawn from him and I am doing my utmost to 'wean' myself off him. Very upsetting. I can't compete with 20 yrs of marriage and three children. My situation is similar to Karma101's and I was just curious as to the outcome of her situation. Thanks PS - Has anyone had the experience of their boyfriend STAYING with them and proceeding with the divorce? I'm a BS who met a guy a week before I started divorce proceedings. My xH also challenged the wording on the papers and wanted to reconcile. However I wanted the divorce for ME and there was no way was I going to be deterred from the path I had chosen. As it happens I am still with the guy I met. Back when we met, I left my OH with no doubt that I was divorcing so it wasn't something he would worry about. Sounds to me that you are having doubts on whether he is divorcing or not. Under those circumstances, I think you are doing the right thing in distancing yourself from him. Could be that he isn't ready to divorce and/or moving on.
Montclair0011 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 MandyJ - I also came to LS because of similarity with Karma101's ordeal. I also wish she would post an update, although the last one did not have a good prognosis. I was also involved with a separated man supposedly going through a divorce from a ill-tempered, controlling, overly critical wife. When his wife found out about me she suddenly decided she was madly in love with her husband and wanted to work it out. She even supposedly dropped her long-term, long-distance, boyfriend (which is why they were separated in the first place). He was still wanting to divorce her but ended up going back for the child (and dropping the divorce proceedings), who was frantically begging and pleading with him to return. The whole thing was a big complicated mess, and I ended up being the OW for a short time, which was not something I ever thought I'd be (especially since I'd formerly been an BS). Anyway, after he made the sudden decision to go back to the wife (he was separated again at that time) it was while we were planning a long-term future together. I told him I wanted NC, which upset him (he wanted to maybe get together for coffee once a month--yikes), but he finally did understand and we said goodbye. In a weak moment, I called him about a month or so later and we had a brief chat. He said he was not exactly happy with the wife but that was what he expected (since he had returned for the child, he did not have high expectations for the marriage). Five months of NC went by. I was miserable and missed him so much, but figured I needed to somehow get on with my life. I met another guy and have been dating him (although I'm not sure how long it will last as I'm not that into him-compllicated). Well, guess what, as predicted on LS, as soon as you just start to get over them they show back up. His wife and child were out of town and he rang me up. He came to see me and it was overwhelming for the both of us. The feelings were tremendous. I found out that he had driven by my house at least once (and we live about 1/2 hour away), and that he had been thinking of me often and felt horrible about the way he had left me and was worried sick that I hated him (as I probably should). The wife was back to being a total bitch and probably back with her BF too. He told me he loved me and that he felt we were soul mates, BUT, he still says he made a promise to his child to stay in the marriage. I told him about my new boyfriend and he started crying, but he said he understood that was what would happen, etc. Anyway, we ended up spending about two days together (not nights) and then we parted because I was not about to be an OW and he understood that we could not be just friends. So, I'm back to NC and square one and feeling sad, but thinking I made the right choice. I don't feel sorry for him since he has chosen his path, even if it means he lives like a doormat. So, in my case, as with Karma101, the guys went back to very unhappy marriages rather than make a break for a chance at a better life (and it's not like he or his wife are even interested in working on the marriage). So that's my sad story, and I don't know how it will ultimately end up. Of course I'm hopeful that he will come around, but I'm trying to put it out of my head because it's not healthy. Going back to your initial query about if men going through divorce will see it through, I think it mainly depends on the personality of the MM. If he is on the passive side, and not in therapy, and excessively worried about the financial and/or custody aspects of divorce the chances of leaving decrease. Other, more assertive types might have a higher sucess ratio.
D-Lish Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 When I first estranged from my husband, any of the men I dated were just transitional guys. You have so much emotional turmoil on your plate when divorcing- it's hard to make any real commitments to others. Just something to keep in mind.
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