Author Cora Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 Are you playing dumb, or are you really this naive? "Assuming", "don't know" what you're asking. I think you do know. If that is the first "gift" he ever gave you, then yes, it's fair to assume your "relationship" is a purely sexual one. If you have been in a relationship for a while, you pick out sex toys together, and he treats you to them, then you're in a real relationship with a healthy sex life. If you do other things together besides sex, it is fair to assume he enjoys your companionship in addition to your body. But you cannot assume he wants an actual relationship. So, basically, he's getting all the benefits that males typically want (sex and companionship), and you're not getting the additional benefits that females usually want (emotional closeness and support, loyalty and commitment, long-term investment, etc.). LOL Well I did say in an earlier post that I'm pretty naive. I guess it is fair to say that this is nothing more than a sexual relationship. I just wanted some other peoples opinions. Like I said, I am new to all of this. I don't have much experience with relationships of any kind. And yes, I am very naive and a bit immature at times.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 ^ Understood. It has taken me a long time to begin to grow up and see most people for who and what they really are, so I get it. I used to believe in the good in everyone. I still do, but I think it's buried so deep in some people that it might never see the light of day.
Star Gazer Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 ^ Understood. It has taken me a long time to begin to grow up and see most people for who and what they really are, so I get it. I used to believe in the good in everyone. I still do, but I think it's buried so deep in some people that it might never see the light of day. This assumes the guy in Cora's situation is somehow a bad guy. He's done nothing wrong here.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 No, it doesn't assume anything. Just a statement.
Author Cora Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 This assumes the guy in Cora's situation is somehow a bad guy. He's done nothing wrong here. You are right. He has done nothing wrong. I have just been confused about the whole thing. He tells me he isn't the type of guy to just want a sexual relationship, we have fun doing other things together, and he is always asking me and concerned about what I want......on the other hand we usually have sex everytime we meet and the first gift he bought me was a sex toy. So if it isn't clear now what kind of relationship this is it will be very soon once I see him again and find out for sure. I'm just trying to figure out what I want to do. I do enjoy spending time with him...ughh this is tough.
kizik Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 I'm a bit suprised at some people here who think this is normal? Your husband, partner, boyfriend, whatever, YES... but a guy that you've just started casually dating and a first gift? Come on older girls, we know better than that. It's clear what this guy is after. No kidding! The advice on here has been appallingly weird and, um... not good. Cora, the guys views you as "sex." If you're OK with that, by all means...
Author Cora Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 Thanks for the input Kizik. I'm honestly still trying to decide what I'm okay with. I enjoy his company. Would it be totally wrong to continue seeing him until I meet someone who wants more?
Star Gazer Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Would it be totally wrong to continue seeing him until I meet someone who wants more? Wrong, no. But so long as you remain physically and emotionally attached toi this guy - someone YOU want something more with - you won't even be open to anyone else.
Lindarose84 Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 I held off on responding because as kizik mentioned, the initial responses on this thread were unbelievable to me and I didn't want to rain on your parade. Cora, no, his giving you vibrators is NOT normal especially when he is not your boyfriend or spouse. Star Gazer and bean1 are exactly correct on this one. He's into you purely for sex- I don't know how it can be viewed any other way. The fact that you keep trying to turn/view your situation as anything more worries me because he has proven his strictly sexual intents (through his actions) to you time and time again. You ask if it would be wrong to continue seeing him until you find someone who wants more but I don't find that to be a genuine question at all especially since you've shown that you can't stay away from this guy. There is no "until you find someone else" because you're not making an effort to find someone else. You can barely go NC with this dude. (Not being mean- I promise just tough love ) You're 26 and you're going to do what you feel like and that's great. But, you need to be a little less naive about your situation and just look at the situation for what it truly is- he is your f*** buddy. Period. That is it. His buying you vibrators only reinforces that. Once you can really accept that, then you won't be so quick to continue to fall for this guy (though it's pretty clear you already have since you continue to rationalize your situation with him and still sleep with him even though he has promised you nothing). I've been where you are Cora which is why I can speak so bluntly to you. Get out NOW while you still can. Because it will be like a punch in the gut when it finally dawns on you that he views you as nothing more than a sex buddy (which will be when he finds the person he actually wants a relationship with and discontinues your sexual romps leaving you crushed and broken). I can talk (or write) til I turn blue, you will always do what you feel you want to do, but I would just hope you would go in this with open eyes. (Again, I reiterate, no mean intentions at all- just trying to save someone from the same heart-wrenching pain I went through 2 years ago).
MissViolet Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 I'm also quite surprised by the initial responses people were giving you as well. I don't think for a second that his gifts were normal....very very very abnormal. Flowers, stuffed animals, chocolate....unicorns, cds....those are normal gifts. But sex toys aren't, in my opinion. Not until you're in an exclusive relationship, or married. I don't know, but I'd feel very uncomfortable, if not insulted if a guy bought me a sex toy. To me, it's as if he's saying I'm just a sex buddy.
Author Cora Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 I held off on responding because as kizik mentioned, the initial responses on this thread were unbelievable to me and I didn't want to rain on your parade. Cora, no, his giving you vibrators is NOT normal especially when he is not your boyfriend or spouse. Star Gazer and bean1 are exactly correct on this one. He's into you purely for sex- I don't know how it can be viewed any other way. The fact that you keep trying to turn/view your situation as anything more worries me because he has proven his strictly sexual intents (through his actions) to you time and time again. You ask if it would be wrong to continue seeing him until you find someone who wants more but I don't find that to be a genuine question at all especially since you've shown that you can't stay away from this guy. There is no "until you find someone else" because you're not making an effort to find someone else. You can barely go NC with this dude. (Not being mean- I promise just tough love ) You're 26 and you're going to do what you feel like and that's great. But, you need to be a little less naive about your situation and just look at the situation for what it truly is- he is your f*** buddy. Period. That is it. His buying you vibrators only reinforces that. Once you can really accept that, then you won't be so quick to continue to fall for this guy (though it's pretty clear you already have since you continue to rationalize your situation with him and still sleep with him even though he has promised you nothing). I've been where you are Cora which is why I can speak so bluntly to you. Get out NOW while you still can. Because it will be like a punch in the gut when it finally dawns on you that he views you as nothing more than a sex buddy (which will be when he finds the person he actually wants a relationship with and discontinues your sexual romps leaving you crushed and broken). I can talk (or write) til I turn blue, you will always do what you feel you want to do, but I would just hope you would go in this with open eyes. (Again, I reiterate, no mean intentions at all- just trying to save someone from the same heart-wrenching pain I went through 2 years ago). :(:(:( I don't know what to say. I know you are right and I did not take it as you being mean at all. I already feel terrible that it's all he sees me as. I'm just some **** buddy and yeah, that hurts. I keep making the same mistake over and over again. Truth is I just don't think there is anyone out there who would ever want something meaningful with me. Something always seems to go wrong. I can't even start a relationship. I get put into either the friend or **** buddy category everytime. Or they are just not interested. I feel alone and it was nice to have his company. Maybe, I'm just not relationship material. I don't think it's in the cards for me. Sure, I'd love to experience one someday......and I mean a real one where actual love is involved. I don't know, being with him was fun and I did not feel so lonely, but I know it was something that was going no where and never would. I guess I was just thinking I would continue on until I got my heart broken....until that day came where he would say he didn't need me anymore because he had found someone with which he wanted a meaningful relationship with.
Bejita463 Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 I held off on responding because as kizik mentioned, the initial responses on this thread were unbelievable to me and I didn't want to rain on your parade. I did not know this was not an established relationship when I offered my opinion. That changes everything, and I had not thought to ask that. Sorry Cora.
Star Gazer Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Something always seems to go wrong. I can't even start a relationship. I get put into either the friend or **** buddy category everytime. Every time? Wasn't this guy the first guy you ever had sex with? There's no need to be doomsday about this; you can learn from it! There's nothing wrong with YOU, Cora, just your actions... They conflict with what you really want. If you want a relationship, save the most intimate acts imaginable (sex!) until AFTER that relationship is established. Don't feel bad for wanting that either - most of us do. As for how to proceed, like Linda, I've been in your shoes. The only way to save yourself pain is to go complete NC and just cut him out of your life completely.
Els Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 As for how to proceed, like Linda, I've been in your shoes. The only way to save yourself pain is to go complete NC and just cut him out of your life completely. If she does that now, she will always wonder, there will always be that element of uncertainty. It's human nature. She has already said that she enjoys his companionship. To me it's very simple -- instead of speculating and cutting him off based on advice from us (who do NOT know the whole story, but only what we can glean from her posts) and later keep wondering whether or not what we're speculating is true -- she could just go out with him and not have sex with him for one date, and his response will make it VERY obvious if he indeed is only after sex. THEN she will KNOW and can decide what to do based on what she finds out. Cora: I think you should just not think about it til your next date with him. I know how it is: all the possibilities keep swimming in your head, and some of them just hurt so badly. And each day a different possibility seems more probable to you, depending on your mood and what people tell you. But all that will just make you miserable and you won't come closer to knowing anything. So just take a break from it, keep yourself busy and do something fun. You do need to decide on your next course of action if it does turn out to be the way you fear it will be, though. Are you prepared to leave him?
Star Gazer Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 If she does that now, she will always wonder, there will always be that element of uncertainty. It's human nature. She has already said that she enjoys his companionship. To me it's very simple -- instead of speculating and cutting him off based on advice from us (who do NOT know the whole story, but only what we can glean from her posts) and later keep wondering whether or not what we're speculating is true -- she could just go out with him and not have sex with him for one date, and his response will make it VERY obvious if he indeed is only after sex. THEN she will KNOW and can decide what to do based on what she finds out. I really have to disagree. (1) She slept with him (AND lost her virginity!) on the first "date," and already KNOWS that this guy does NOT want a relationship - HE TOLD HER THAT with his very own words. This is nothing more than a FWB arrangement. (2) Witholding sex on one occasion won't prove anything. Even FWB occasionally hangout without having sex. I know I did with mine. I'm sure Cora is a great person, and he enjoys her company - so to see her once without having sex won't drive him away. However, if she sees him, and "withholds" sex, he may still see her again, which would lead her to erroneously conclude that he's interested in "something more," when it's patently obvious that he does not. Seriously, any guy who you're casually seeing and have been sleeping with from the get-go without any discussion of a relationship who buys you sex toys either does NOT want a relationship at all, or does NOT view you as girlfriend material... And this guy told her exactly that when she directly asked him. To continue this cycle would only hurt her more. I feel like we're reading xpaperxcut's story all over again...
Soulmind Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Okay, it's obvious that I think too much and I'm embarrassed even posting this. Anyway, the last time me and this guy I have been talking about were together he bought me something. Alright, might as well just come right out and say it....he bought me a couple of ahem sex toys. One of them he bought while I was with him and the other I did not see him buy. So he either snuck it in when I wasn't looking or before that night. I'm assuming he may have snuck it in since I was admiring that particular item that night. I would be happy with those presents comparing them with my ex- boyfriend's presents... Just check : I gave him an mp3, a chess board, a jumper, a book, a movie and a concert ticket... he? He gave me A HAMMER!!! And it wasn't a joke! Was the only thing he gave me ... call me shallow... but after that we were history... Ha ha..
Thaddeus Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 I would be happy with those presents comparing them with my ex- boyfriend's presents... Just check : I gave him an mp3, a chess board, a jumper, a book, a movie and a concert ticket... he? He gave me A HAMMER!!! And it wasn't a joke! Was the only thing he gave me ... call me shallow... but after that we were history... Ha ha.. What kind of hammer?
Lindarose84 Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 I really have to disagree. (1) She slept with him (AND lost her virginity!) on the first "date," and already KNOWS that this guy does NOT want a relationship - HE TOLD HER THAT with his very own words. This is nothing more than a FWB arrangement. (2) Witholding sex on one occasion won't prove anything. Even FWB occasionally hangout without having sex. I know I did with mine. I'm sure Cora is a great person, and he enjoys her company - so to see her once without having sex won't drive him away. However, if she sees him, and "withholds" sex, he may still see her again, which would lead her to erroneously conclude that he's interested in "something more," when it's patently obvious that he does not. Seriously, any guy who you're casually seeing and have been sleeping with from the get-go without any discussion of a relationship who buys you sex toys either does NOT want a relationship at all, or does NOT view you as girlfriend material... And this guy told her exactly that when she directly asked him. To continue this cycle would only hurt her more. I feel like we're reading xpaperxcut's story all over again... I completely agree. Elswyth, I'm not sure if you're aware of or have read the history between Cora and this guy- at this point, NC is the only way she can save herself from falling in love (if she hasn't already) with a guy who she wants a relationship with who clearly only sees her as a sex mate. Withholding sex on one occasion won't prove a thing- guys who are after sex alone will do or say anything to ensure they can keep their ongoing sexual relationship going. I should know since I went through the SAME thing- I confronted my doofus and said I wouldn't sleep with him after one of our nights of hanging out to see if he really sees me as something more than a sex buddy. He obliged. We continued our "relationship". After 3 months of this BS, he "dumped" me and went back to the girl he was really interested in. I later found out from one of his friends that he had been persuing this girl at the end of the semester but she had to leave town for the summer. So he basically used me for sex over the summer and once September rolled around, he ditched me and went back to her- the one he wanted to be his gf. I only wish I could've read the signs sooner and not been as stupid to believe his web of lies and BS. In Cora's case, dude actually came out and was HONEST about his intentions. I wanted to believe my loser wanted more with me because like Cora's situation, we both enjoyed each other's company and he was fun to be around. He told me all sorts of lies in order to keep me around. I believed them because, like you Cora, I didn't want to be alone. I'm a lot wiser and smarter about relationships 2 years later. Cora, you need to move on from him now in order to save yourself the inevitable grief you will feel when he wants to discontinue your "relationship". You shouldn't postpone things until you "get your heart broken." Why would you even give him the opportunity to do that? When you do get crushed and you're barely able to eat or sleep, you'll wish you walked away sooner. Now's your chance. He doesn't want a relationship with you. You want one with him. Things don't match up hun. Vibrators are not romantic gifts (at least not at your stage). Has he bought you flowers? Or candy? Or jewelry? Or music? Has he even taken you out on a romantic dinner date? All I've read so far are hang outs at his place and failed trips to the movies once or twice since you've known him. Walk. Away. Now.
Author Cora Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 Well, If I was able to get over an eight month LDR where haha silly me thought the guy actually loved me then I can surely walk away from a stupid little fling like this right? I just wonder when I'm finally gonna wake up and stop making these stupid mistakes you know? My last relationship was a fantasy relationship basically because I was stupid enough to believe every single word the guy told me. Talk about naive!!! Then I get into this fling with this guy, thinking and hoping something more could come of it eventually. WTF??? I just don't know when I'm gonna wake up and stop being so trusting, so gullible, so naive! But, you wait and see...sooner or later I'm gonna do something stupid and end up in another f*cked up relationship with some guy who doesn't give a shyt about me! It's a constant cycle. Damnit, I wanna break it but I fall right back into the same crap time after time! Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm sorry I'm so thick headed. I really just hope I'm able to get back into school this fall to keep me busy and to take my mind off of things. I promise when it comes to other things....I'm really not this stupid! I just seem to suck when it comes to dating and relationships. Thanks again guys. I will listen and I'm gonna try hard to move on.
Star Gazer Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 I just don't know when I'm gonna wake up and stop being so trusting, so gullible, so naive! What the heck are you talking about? That's not the problem. You outright asked him if he was interested in a relationship, and he said NO. You could trust him on his word on that, but you chose to continue seeing/sleeping with him despite that.
Author Cora Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 What the heck are you talking about? That's not the problem. You outright asked him if he was interested in a relationship, and he said NO. You could trust him on his word on that, but you chose to continue seeing/sleeping with him despite that. I'm talking about when I first met him and I flat out asked him if he was just looking for a hook up/casual sex or whatever you want to call it. He told me no, that he wasn't that kind of guy by far and that he did like me. I chose to believe him. However, later on his actions did not match up. It was turning into just casual sex more and more everyday and I chose to overlook it. The next time I asked him he told me he just wasn't into having a gf right now. I chose to belive in time he would change his mind. Anyway, the point is I get what you are saying. A relationship is just never gonna happen.
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