lorimom Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Hi I'm new to this forum and also about to enter a long distance relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 and a half years. We now live an hour apart and see one another on weekends. It was hard initially but we have both worked through it. We are not kids, but both in our mid fifties. I have been divorced for 13 years, he has been separated for 8 but still not divorced. His marital status has always been a sticking point in our relationship. His wife is in a happy relationship where she and her boyfriend live together. There is no interest on either side of a reconciliation but there has been a problem with the financial settlement. It has taken 8 years but they are finally in agreement with things. Two weeks ago, my boyfriend told me that he has been in touch with a family member about a position in another state. Although he presented it to me as "our" decision he had pretty much made his mind up that if the conditions were all there with the job and the salary was what it seemed to be, that he would have to strongly consider it. The reason for taking the job is a $25,000 salary increase to a state that the cost of living is much lower than where we both presently live. The distance will be 1,800 miles. I initially was heartsick and felt that he was chosing the money over our future. I have tried to put that aside. He has told me this would give him an opportunity to put money away for retirement since he only has 12 years to retire. He also said he would like me to join him within the next year. I am a mom, a grandmom and have an older parent, a home and a career where I live. That is alot to think about walking away from. My initial reaction to him was that I could not do it. I guess you could say reality has set in and I know my children are on their own, have their own families. My sister lives close by. I have asked my dad about moving, but he has declined. Before I would strongly commit to relocating, I would need a commitment from him. I would need the divorce filed and want to be engaged. We have talked for a long time about our future together and both seem to want to live together the rest of our lives. The distance scares me. I trust him but I fear the lonliness this will bring. I'm afraid that initially the contact will be there but as he starts a new career in a new location, our communication will fade. Any suggestions on how you have made it work would really be appreciated. I love this man very much and want to do what I can on my end to make this work.
Ashbash11 Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Hello! I am quite a bit younger than you are (I'm in my 20's) but I've got experience in the area of long distance relationships at this point. I've been in a LDR for about 10 months now.. My boyfriend lives 3,000 miles away (Boston ----> California). I am in a very similar situation as you- he moved for a new job, and he loves it and is settled there. I am the person who would have to move in order to keep the relationship going. There is no promise of engagement or any talk of marriage, really. But, I am thinking that I will most likely move to be with him. We love each other very much and we have a close connection. It's very difficult though, and I understand where you are coming from. I have lived on the east coast my whole life, and the thought of leaving my family, friends and everything behind is really scary. It's a decision that has to be made eventually. The only thing that helps me is to remember that nothing is permanent. You can always move back home if things don't work out.... However, if you are engaged, I can imagine that you'd feel more secure. Is there a possibility of him proposing to you in the near future?? To comment on the long distance piece: Skype with webcams! A must. It's saved us, really. Also, remember that not every day will be perfect. You will have some up's and down's.. But, as long as you remain committed to each other and remind yourself of why you are doing it, you will be able to maintain the connection, no matter what. My boyfriend works nights, and sleeps during the day, plus a 3,000 mile distance and 3 hour time difference, but none of that matters. We are still very much in love, and the distance wont' stop us!
Mei Mei Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 My So and I know online for six months and we have met once in real, next to be in August and november. We are both at our middle ages, divorced, with jobs in own places. See, it is between Asia and Europe, with 7 hours apart. With these complications, we still work towards greater closeness. We meet online daily for around a hour, added with phone calls and sms. We cherish more of our time and feel about our prospect to stay together till kids have all grown up. There is still a long time to wait. But love and commitment make us strong to overcome. If you choose to wait longer till getting together, there is the need for resilience in handling of some lonely time intervals, though with good support from your so. I think you both have the genuine love to get together, trust it if you are so connected and work things out gradually.
Author lorimom Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 Hi Ashbash Thank you for your kind words. Yes, it does seem like we are in similar situations. Well, I got the news tonight that he officially was offered the job. I can tell you I am truly heartsick over this. It's hard to not feel some hurt in this whole thing. As I said to him tonight, I feel there are options. I own a home, he an apartment at the shore. If he moved here we could still live a pretty nice lifestyle on our combined salaries and still put money away. He feels that he would like to buy a home at the shore but you know living on the East Coast, shore properties are pretty expensive, unless you are headed south. We live in New Jersey. I'm going to spend the weekend with him and have some things I need to say to him regarding our relationship. I want him to know that I need that commitment from him. Words are fine but after all this time, I now know that the time has come for him to follow through on his end. File the divorce papers and show me that he has serious intent. As far as asking me to marry him, believe it or not, he did that five years ago. I can understand your situation and honestly I give you alot of credit. You seem to be an intelligent lady who is determined to make this work. If I can say one thing to you without sounding like a mom. If you are going to move, do it now. Once you have kids it's harder to pull up those roots. My daughter is pregnant and due in January. While I don't question my love for him for a minute, I do feel like it's a choice - him or my family and honestly, I feel selfish for chosing him. I guess I will have to see how this all goes. I did take your advise and downloaded skype. I also want to go down there with him to look at apartments. I want to be part of this and maybe even need to feel part of it if this is going to work. Good luck to you. I hope your dreams work our as you want them to.
Ashbash11 Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 hi again lorimom Thank you for your very kind words, as well. I love this forum, because people are very supportive here, and we are all going through our own difficulties when dealing with our long distance relationships. I have to say, that I also understand your feeling of choosing your boyfriend over your family, and how you feel selfish for that. I feel the same way. My parents are retired, and older (in their mid 60's). I know that if I move cross-country, it will break their hearts. They always say that they want me to live near them (they live in Florida). It's a real tough thing to deal with. However, I feel that if you love someone enough, your family will understand and eventually come to terms with your decision. Afterall, they care about you and want you to be happy, right? I feel for you, now that you have found out that your BF is relocating. I remember that feeling.... very heartbreaking. The most important thing is to discuss how long the long distance part will last, how often you will want to communicate, and how. My boyfriend was reluctant to have this conversation, but I forced him to for my own piece of mind. I wish you the very best of luck. It sounds like you have a very strong relationship and you will be able to make things work out very well. If things get rough, there's always loveshack! We are here for you.
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