nobodyknows Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I want to share my situation, but I am afraid that the info is so detailed that I may be discovered...I am going to try to be as specific as possible without sharing details that may get me into trouble. So I will do the best I can, considering. I have been married for almost 10 years. Two kids under 10. My husband, when we met, was married to someone else. He left her for me. I was also married previously but had already ended that marriage when I met my husband. I really felt that he and I were soul mates. We dated for a year or so before we got married, and our first child was born very soon after that. When I was pregnant the first time, I saw a side of my husband I had not seen before. He was moody and angry, easily riled, and would behave badly toward me.(though he has never abused me physically) He would drive dangerously if we were in the car together and had an argument (a behavior which continues now, even with the children in the car) He has always been deeply jealous. He has forced me to leave my past entirely behind, throwing away old photo albums and basically leaving behind all of my friends from before we were married. I coped with this, feeling that it was the right thing to do for my marriage. He is nosy, snooping into my computer (he has hacked into my email many times). I live feeling like I am under constant watch from him at all times, and I really can't go anywhere or do anything unless he says it is okay or goes along with me. As a result, I have given up my career (which I loved) even though I was usually able to do my work and still care for the kids full time. (I don't want to specify what my job was, but I was self employed and had very flexible hours). The loss of my job has affected our finances terribly, and we are currently in a strained situation because of it. Despite that, h refuses to work more than he is now (roughly thirty hours, four days per week) and refuses to support me in trying to find any kind of work. So over the years, what I began to notice was a pattern of everything's great, we're in love/everything sucks, we argue, or behave in a passive aggressive way. I strongly felt that he was bipolar, and told him this at one time. We proceeded with MC but the counselor was snowed by his charm and therefore did not feel he was bipolar. I felt very silly in counseling, as though I had been totally wrong and was being petty over the problems we had. We did MC for 6 months or so before we stopped going because our therapist said we were fine and did not need to continue. Over the years we have tried to do things to fix our marriage, from counseling to reading books together to trying date nights and whatever else we could do. Now I look at my husband and I see someone I don't even know. He isn't the same man I married. He is angry and bitter about the world. He is into things that I think are dangerous (I don't want to specify what they are) although not technically illegal. I think his activities are harmful to our children. He is convinced the world is a giant conspiracy to make him a slave to the system and will tell these ideas to the kids. I don't even know him anymore. So of course I am unhappy. I have resigned myself to not even arguing anymore; I just let things go and sit there being angry and bitter. I want to leave him, but I am afraid of the consequences of doing it. For a year or so I have been communicating with a group of friends online without his knowledge, both male and female, who are very supportive and really seem to care about me and what happens to me. I have not been unfaithful (I haven't even met any of these people in person), however, I am sure he would be angry about me having friends behind his back. I am afraid that when I leave him, he will discover this (through phone records, etc) and this will become an issue in our divorce or that he will use that to hurt me somehow. My mother is very supportive of me leaving, primarily because she feels the children are in an unhealthy environment. I am terrified to do this. I have talked to a lawyer who has given me information about what I can do, so I know what I need to do but I feel paralyzed and unsure what the right thing is to do. I don't know the best way to confront him with this - I am very afraid of what could happen if I do confront him, for my safety and his, really. He could be destructive toward me or he could be destructive to himself. I don't want to keep him away from his children at all. I want them to know their dad loves them, and I think he can be a good father to them if he makes the choice to do so. I just think this marriage is toxic to everyone involved. I think he will somehow turn things around and make me look stupid for being so unhappy. I know that his family will hate me, and that makes me sad and afraid. I want to have a good life for my children and myself. I want to go back to school, to have a job I like, to know that when the kids go to bed at night they feel safe in the world and feel loved. I have tried to pull them up and support them, to undo the damage he has done to them by pushing his negativity onto them, but I feel now that I can no longer do this. This ended up being really long, and I can't even say half of what I want to say. Just needed to vent a bit and wondered if anyone had any advice, or life stories that are similar?
Gunny376 Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 You need to bail! Even rats know when to get off a sinking ship~!
Author nobodyknows Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 OK, well I agree with that. My atty told me I basically have 2 options if I leave: (1) take the kids to my mom's and meet him in a public place to tell him i am leaving. OR (2) move out the same day he gets served with custody hearing papers, perhaps while he is at work or somewhere. Which should I do? I know there will be a scene at some point either way. I hate this type of conflict. I also know that he will not help me make things easier on the children. They will have a hard time. But I want to do right by them as much as I can. I think he will try to make me look bad in their eyes, he does that now and i'm still here. Like, oh just ask MOM she always lets you have your way, etc. (even though I think I am a very balanced mother, not too lenient/harsh). So which do I do? And what do I take when I go? Can i just take what I know is mine and leave the rest? What about money that's in the bank? I have a bank account in my own name now, but it's not got much in it.
LisaUk Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Sweetie, how bad is the situation with your H? would you say he is abusive or could you talk to him about this? Maybe see if you would be able to work things out? Or is the situation really as bad as you describe, you do sound frightened of him?
Author nobodyknows Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 He is not abusive in the sense that he has hurt me or the kids. He has reacted in angry ways which make me fear him. Also he has weapons. I am done workiing things out. I have tried before and nothing changes. I wish I could speak more frankly but I can't due to privacy. Thank you for your responses.
Gunny376 Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 OK, well I agree with that. My atty told me I basically have 2 options if I leave: (1) take the kids to my mom's and meet him in a public place to tell him i am leaving. OR (2) move out the same day he gets served with custody hearing papers, perhaps while he is at work or somewhere. Which should I do? I know there will be a scene at some point either way. I hate this type of conflict. I also know that he will not help me make things easier on the children. They will have a hard time. But I want to do right by them as much as I can. I think he will try to make me look bad in their eyes, he does that now and I'm still here. Like, oh just ask MOM she always lets you have your way, etc. (even though I think I am a very balanced mother, not too lenient/harsh). So which do I do? And what do I take when I go? Can i just take what I know is mine and leave the rest? What about money that's in the bank? I have a bank account in my own name now, but it's not got much in it. What you do is contact the local police department, sheriff's office, (up front and personal) and explain the situation. Have them escort you to remove what you need for yourself and the children's. (Let the "D" court decide the rest) As far as the money and joint accounts? You take what you and the children need, and leave the rest? If that's all of it? So be it! But try and leave what he needs to pay the mutual bills if you can! If you've got doubts about his paying the mutual bills? You take that as well and pay them! Run a credit check on your credit ~ you can't do this soon enough! There are three credit reporting agencies! Your entitled to a free credit report from each of them! Run one each quarter (every three months) If you have to? You can claim spousal abuse and get an RO and have him evicted from the home. Temporarily. That will buy you about three months! But be prepared for the on sewing repercussions as he 'lawyers up'
Author nobodyknows Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 My first marriage ended because I was too young to know what it meant to be married and the man I married treated me like ****. Should have known by how he treated his mother. Why do you ask?
Author nobodyknows Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 Well, a quick update. This morning was a big argument, mostly regarding finances. I would really like to PM with someone, as I feel uneasy posting details...but suffice to say, I am resigned to the fact that it is not getting better any time soon...got a text from my mom saying, hey girl, it's time to go, get out. I agree but I am still terrified. I have been looking for a job, so hopefully that will work out somehow. Also taking my things to storage for safekeeping. Ugh. This sucks.
lupa Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Well, a quick update. This morning was a big argument, mostly regarding finances. I would really like to PM with someone, as I feel uneasy posting details...but suffice to say, I am resigned to the fact that it is not getting better any time soon...got a text from my mom saying, hey girl, it's time to go, get out. I agree but I am still terrified. I have been looking for a job, so hopefully that will work out somehow. Also taking my things to storage for safekeeping. Ugh. This sucks. I've been getting told "stop it, it is time to move on!" for a couple of weeks now, and every time I hear it I want to punch that person in the brain. Usually it is my mother saying it, so I more than likely won't punch her in the brain, but you get my point. I think the key to this is moving on at your own pace. I'm certainly trying to find the local scene, before I tackle the task of moving closer to the city to try more of that scene.
runnergirl Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I can definitely sense the fear in your post and I'm afraid for you. The fact that you mention he has weapons is very frightening. I think you need to leave as soon as possible. Are you still afraid of what his reaction would be if you met in a public place? If so, go with the second option and perhaps call him on the phone so he has a warning before he actually gets the custody orders. You could also consider getting a restraining order against him. I hope you are able to leave soon...
Author nobodyknows Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 I am afraid to stay and afraid to go. The repercussions within both of our families will be hard to cope with. I am terrified to be on my own. I have been looking for a job, no leads yet. I don't want the kids to see me so upset. I have to go in my room to cry. GRGGGG I feel awful tonight, I feel frozen. Thanks for the replies so far. I am making plans to get out. I feel when I inform him is when I will be in danger moreso than now.
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