Broken

[dkny27]

Ok...this is gonna be long, just thought I would warn u. So I was with this guy E for 2 years. E and I had been friends for maybe 5 years. He was involved with another girl for 10 years and they have a son together. When I first met him through a friend there was an instant connection...but he was in a relationship so I left it alone. I am not agressive and I would never go after someone who was in a realtionship. Anyways years passed and then about this time of year in 2007 I get a message on myspace from E. He requested to be my friend and asked me if I was interested in hanging out and maybe see where things might go. I had reservations. He was just home from re-hab in florida. Drug of choice was heroin. But he was serious about his recovery. I also had gotten out of a 2 year relationship with a patilogical liar who cheated on me, and I had been dating but just didn't feel good about myself to get back out there just yet. I told this to E, and he was very respectful and still seemed interested in spending time with me.We started hanging out and quickly fell in love. He asked me to be his gf and of course I was the happiest girl in the world. Our relationship was effortless. We already knew each other over the years so I wasn't nervous around him and I felt that I could trust him. He was alwasy loyal to his ex. They ended because she cheated on him. So we are in bliss and I bond with his son well (10yr old boy) and it was nice to have a little family type thing. I meet his parents and family and love them, my family liked him. My dad was especially excited to spend time with E and his son. So this all happend in the fall. He was working on getting his job back. They sent him to re-hab and he had to finish this group thing before he could work again. His truck died and since he had crappy credit we got a car in my name but he would pay me the payments (I know...stupid!) I am too nice. I like to give and have a big heart...which gets me hurt a lot. Soon E moved in with me...didn't get his job back because he flunked a drug test...made up some story that made sense to me and i forgave him and tried to support him. This was all around xmas. Fast forward to june 2008...we had a bumpy ride the begining of 2008, but i still had hope for my love. We had talked about marriage one day. He said I was the love of his life, and he was mine. Everyone has their own problems. I thought i could handle this. I had my own issues i brought to the table. I figured if i supported him and tried to help him he would be able to make it through his recovery and we could live a happy life. Boy was i wrong.

 

we move into our new place in july 2008...on my 30th b-day. The week after I find out he cleand out my checking account. He found my re-fill checks and forgerd a bunch...took all the money that was due for our first rent payment. Thank god my boss let me borrow some so I could pay. I kicked him out. He went to detox, moved back in with his parents and then back in with me. Relapsed again, stole again. this was in the fall. went to detox and then into a program. I stopped talking to him, pressed charges for stolen money and changed my phone #. he kept calling my work, so I had to get a restarining order. I had 2 months away...peace and quiet. I see his ex (mom of son) online at the end of year. I had no conatct with E but did miss him so I sent an xmas card with $20 in it. She said he got it and wanted to thank me but didint know how to get ahold of me. So she gives me his house # and stupid me calls him new years day and gets sucked back into the madness. Of course I got the I love u, i miss u and we get back together (or so I thought). He gets the car back, i get him a phone (add a line) so he can find a job. They had 1 pay phone in the house with 30 guys and no answering machine so if he was @ group or a meeting he wouldn't know if someone called.

 

Things are great. He seems to be taking his recovery seriously but then seems to start pulling away in march. Claims its due to recovery...which I believe. Then it all falls apart so fast but I don't find out the truth...until now.

 

Fast forward to June/July Something has been off for the last few moths, and when I asked him what was up, he would always say nothing. I just figured he was going through a lot in recovery. We would have the same fight almost every week about how he didn't treat me like a gf and that there was no affection in our relationship and I wasn't happy. I asked him if he liked someone else or if he was with someone else, and he always said no, I love u, I only wanna be with u. I would never cheat on you. (which for some reason I believed him) I tried to break up with him a few times cause I wasn't getting anything from him that I wanted, yet I was helping him with money, letting him use the car and had a phone line added to my account so he would have a phone. He was lying to me as usual. His ex called me friday June 19th to let me know he was in jail. She went to court with him and they locked him up because he missed 2 drug tests and he is on probation, so that is a violation. I didn't even know he had court, he didn't tell me. I emailed this girl K that I knew he was friends with on myspace to see if his stuff was still @ his sober house cause I figured I should go get it for him. He talked about her alot. She read the message but didn't respond, then she changed her profile picture to one of him and her hugging. So i figured something was up.

 

I did a search on facebook and she had a page and it was public. She had pics of them all over it saying me and my man from 4/19/09. He moved in with her on his birthday (April 28th) I found out all of this from her facebook page. Then I sent her an e-mail (it was nice) and she wrote back saying she was sorry and that she wanted to talk to me, but her phone was out of minutes, but she could text. So she texted meHe cheated on me @ least twice while he was @ the program house in Lynn. He was high the whole time he was there on some pills and thats why he was asked to leave. Then he moved to Chase st communities (and K had been living there) in March. She tells me they have been going out since March, but he has pretended to be my bf the whole time and I just found out on friday. She knew about me the whole time! They both relapsed 2 months ago and then she didn't care cause they just wanted to get high. He moved in with her on his birthday (April 28th) I found out all of this from her facebook page, which is public. He has been over my house since April, we have hung out, had sex more than once, he even stayed at my house with son a few weeks ago. She knew everytime he was with me but just got high to make it better. He even brought this girl to my house when I was sick with mono a few weeks ago. I had an extra ac to give him cause he didn't have one. He told me he was bringing her, and I said I wanted to met her, since they were friends and he talked about her alot, but not that day because I was so sick. I asked if she could wait in the car. He came and left and I texted him cause I had this funny feeling he liked her, but he told me no...they were just friends, he only wanted me blah blah blah.

 

So she kept texting me all day. She was sober now and was feeling really guilty about how E had been using me the whole time. I asked her why she put up with it so long and she said she had asked him to cut me loose within the next 2 weeks because she was sick of it. She said she was really sorry and thought I should know the truth. She didn't want me to think she was a whore. So then she tells me that Eric was using me the whole time and everyone knew in Lynn except me. He had cheated on me with other girls, but she was the only one he started to have feeling for. She's in love with him. She seemed a little upset to find out we had been sleeping together but she is going to stay with him because she loves him and never falls in love that fast with a guy. Then she tells me that I must have a big heart and I seem like a great person and that I will meet the right guy and have a great life. I am clearly upset at this point. She tells me that I should never let a guy bring me down and that I need to have some pride and self-esteem. She starts acting all concerenred and telling em if I need anything she is there for me. She said E didn't want her to talk to me cause he wanted me out of their lives for good. I pretty much lost it after she wrote that to me. I really loved him so much, and did all I could to help him. He always told me I was the love of his life and he wanted t get married someday. I really thought he was gonna sober up and we could have this wonderful life together. Now I find out all of this and I just feel so broken and used and hurt. I am such a loser and I feel so stupid and gross.

 

HIs ex (son's mom) didn't even know he was living with this girl. She can't believe all the things he has done, she said he was never like this before. I am so upset and all I did was try to love this person. I just wanna die.

[moo]

My gosh, what you have been through. I am so, so, so sorry. Listen, you don't need him...you know you don't...you only think you do. There are so many times in the past that you should have left him, but you chose to stay. You have to take better care of yourself, so that the next time, you won't put up with this nonsense. I'm going to give you the same advice I have given others...which I got from here and self help websites.

 

-read self help websites and self help books. I'm reading the book "It's called a Breakup because It's Broken" and it is a really good book.

 

-absolutely no contact at all with him. I know it's hard, but that skank does not deserve you.

 

-Seek therapy. If you have insurance, great, if not, local colleges may provide therapy for community members.

 

-get involved with a hobby...something that you really like...that can take your mind off of him.

 

This bastard took advantage of you, but you allowed him to. I know what that is like. I did the same thing too.

 

I know you feel terrible, but you can make it.

[dkny27]

Thanks Moo. I already ready that book a long time ago...but I still have it so maybe a re-visit might be in order.

 

I have been to therapy before. I don't really like it. I went on and off for about 3 years. I am on meds for depression and anxiety. I have been for a few years now.

[dkny27]

I know this guy is a a jerk and I deserve so much better but I still miss him like crazy. I miss text messages in the morning when he used to say how much he loved me and missed me. I really want to believe that he did love me. Hoe could someone be so mean to another person. I keep looking @ my phone wish it would ring and I know its not gonna cause he's with the new girl and I am tossed out like trash. I just want the hurt to stop. I want to stop crying and move on but I can't get this out of my head. It's not fair. He's off with some other girl that he has been with since March and still pretended to be with me the whole time and I can't move on, yet he is out there living his life, with no remorse about what he has done, and he's probally happy while I sit here and can barley make it through the day.

[dkny27]

I am so depressed...I just can't handle this today

[moo]

You know what....there are different kinds of therapy. I have a good therapist now, but she is leaving...when I was younger, I did not like the therapist I had. It took me years to find a good therapist. There are so many techniques. Some therapists just listen and try to reframe what you say so that you can find your own way.

 

Some therapist do that, plus do other techniques. My therapist gives me homework, taught me deep breathing techniques and has made plans with me so that I can work toward acceptance.

 

Have you seen a therapist that practices cognitive behavioral therapy?

 

I am on medication too. I switched because another one was cheaper and it did not work as well. I'm going back to the Lexapro and doing a program like the Partnership for Prescription...the meds are free but you have to wait 4 weeks, so while I am waiting, I'm taking the meds I am on now.

[utterer of lies]

I am so depressed...I just can't handle this today

 

Then cry all day and shut yourself in, and don't do anything that might even remotely lead to you having a better day.

[moo]

dkny, I am sooo sorry that you are going through this. We are here for you. I know what it's like to be in darkness. Take my hand. Let me help you up, the way you helped me up. Let us help you through this. Some people here take the tough love/sarcastic approach. Some take the gentle approach. But all of us are rooting for you.

[utterer of lies]

Some people here take the tough love/sarcastic approach. Some take the gentle approach. But all of us are rooting for you.

 

 

Does this mean you consider me the 'bad cop'?

 

[moo]

Does this mean you consider me the 'bad cop'?

 

 

 

ehhhh....yep. But I know you care.

[dkny27]

The sun is shining, not a cloud in the sky. I wake up in an empty bed...had dreams all night with my ex in them. I miss him like crazy. I miss the way we could just lay there and look into each others eyes and smile. I miss his kisses and the way he touched my face and played with my hair. I miss the comfort of lying in his arms. I miss all the text messages I would get all day, everyday. Telling me that he loved me, missed me, how was my day…ex. Now my cell phone is silent. How could it have all been a lie? How could he have seemed like he loved me so much?

 

I make myself get up. He used to live here, so its hard sometimes to even be in my house. I miss having his son here on the weekends and doing fun stuff together, almost like a family. I decide to take the dogs down to the park by the water and there are couples walking hand in hand. I miss that. There are couples fishing...we used to go fishing. We get home and I take out my bike and decided to go for a ride, to refocus my thoughts and try to enjoy the day and all it has to offer. We used to ride our bikes together so this makes me sad and kinda lonely.

 

Now he's with the new gf and she is getting all of his love and affection and it hurts me so much to know that he lead me on for the better half of this year, all the time going back to her...and she knew. he didn't care, she didn't care. He most likely has no remorse for what he has done to me. He has treated me horribly and then just decided that now I am no longer part of his life anymore. I am having such a hard time trying to let this all go. I blame myself, I hold myself responsible, I beat myself up. I must be really sick in the head, but I have been like this all my life. All I wanted was love and I really really loved him so much.

 

I know this is all bad, and I shouldn't be like this and think like this cause I am not going to be able to get better. I am just having a really bad day.

[moo]

Dkny, I am sorry you are having a bad day. I almost broke NC this morning, but I stayed strong. I know you miss your ex, but it sounded like there were so many times that he treated you badly...so many times. You deserve more than that. One of the things that keeps me NC even though I come SOOOO close to breaking NC is that I don't want the type of mate my mother had. My mother had a terrible husband. She was always alone. That's how I grew up, with a father who was never around and never did things to make my mom feel special except at Christmas time and maybe her birthday. He did not treat her with respect. He did not treasure her...okay, he may have in his own mind, but he didn't act like he did. My mother cried a lot and was always sad. I have to break the cycle, which means I can not accept this behavior. If my ex really wanted to help me move on properly, he would have apologized and there would have been admittance of bad behavior, etc. He is just being selfish and I'm not going to accept this behavior anymore. Our ex's do NOT care if we are suffering...they really do not. Why do some self reflection and growth when you can forget yourself by jumping into another relationship? Right? Screw my ex. I don't want to be rude, but you might want to think about saying the same for your ex.

 

We HAVE to stay strong. We HAVE to stay strong so that we can emotionally heal and be ready for the next mate that comes into our lives, so that we can choose to give our hearts to the RIGHT one, so that we can let the ones who try to treat us like dirt go and not hang onto them. We are grooming ourselves for someone worthy to come along.

[Exit]

Our ex's do NOT care if we are suffering...they really do not. Why do some self reflection and growth when you can forget yourself by jumping into another relationship? Right? Screw my ex. I don't want to be rude, but you might want to think about saying the same for your ex.

 

So true. I pointed out many of the things my ex could have done better, and she never had a response to it, because she knows I was right. And rather than try to fix anything, she's just going to take her baggage to another guy. Meanwhile I just finished a 400 page book on thinking positive, letting go of my anger, etc. I've de-cluttered my life by breaking my attachments to many of my positions, either by throwing them out or giving them away. I've spent every day since the breakup figuring out how to be a better person. Why do I miss someone who hasn't made 1% of the same effort? Like you said, they have an opportunity to grow and learn right in front of their faces, but they choose to run.

[dkny27]

I hate these up an down days...I really do. I wish I could just erase this whole thing from my mind. I have dreams, I am haunted be his face, his voice, him.

 

This was my first and last relationship with an addict. I have only had 3 serious relationships in my life (I am 31) M was the first and we were friends for about 2 years before we got together. After 3 years he was content with his life the way it was...but I wanted more so I broke it off and moved on. It wasn't a bad break-up. K was my second and I was so happy in the begining, but he turned out to be a pathalogical liar, cheated on me, ect. Broke my heart really bad but I then I went to therapy and then got on meds since I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

 

I met my ex-abf through a good friend of mine...before he was an addict and got involved with Oxy's. He was with his gf when I met him, they had a child together, so of course I didn't persue him because I am not that kind of girl. Well we became friends and he would come out sometimes with the group of us. Then he and his ex broke up and we all went out but another girl kinda moved in on him and he ended up with her for awhile, then went back to his ex. I didn't see him often but we remained friends.

 

Fast forward to 2007 and he finds me online on myspace and asks me if I wanted to hang out and see where things might go. I liked this guy from the day I met him. We just clicked, but never acted on it cause he was with his ex @ the time and I knew her and had hung out with her too. I would never get involved with someone who had a gf. Anyways I tell him that my last ex K had really done a number to me, cheated on me ect and that I had trust issues and depression and anxiety. I also asked him about how he was doing. He was just home from Florida, had went to re-hab (that his job payed for) and was going to meetings everyday. He seemed good, I didn't have any experience with addicts so I was nieave. I called my friend who introduced us a long time ago and he said go for it. It was all good from there. Things were great. I was so in love with him. Our relationship was effortless, everything came so easy cause we already knew each other so I was never nervous. Then he relapsed and everything changed. I really try to believe he loved me when we were first together and all the things he said were true.

 

Things went downhill fast...you can look at my older posts to get the rest of that story. To the point where I had a restraining order on him and we didn't speak for almost 2 months. At xmas I was missing him so I sent him and xmas card because I knew the address to the holding he was in. Then his ex and i were on aim and she said he had wanted to thank me for the card but had no way to get ahold of me, and said he really wanted to talk to me. So New Years Day I called him and we eventually got back together and I was so happy because I thought he was doing so well in his program (now I know different as of last week) he was using me the whole time this time around (and most likely last time too) cheated on me with other girls, his ex caught wind and tried to warn me (all in previous posts on here) but he kept telling me he loved me, only wanted to be with me and I believed every word he said because I knew he was always faithful to his gf's before. There were times when we could have kissed when he was with his ex when we were friends but we didn't and he always brought that up, how he would NEVER cheat and I knew it cause we could have, we had oppertunity but we never did (I would never). and I beleieved him.

 

Boy does this all hurt so bad. It's like my world came crashing down. All I did was try to support him and he took advantage, but I let him. I loved him more than anyone else and I always will. No one is ever gonna be able to take the place of him (the good parts). He was my soul mate and I just hope that the first time we were together before he relapsed....that when he said he loved me...he meant it. It hurts too much to think that I could mean nothing to him. It hurts to know he is with another woman and that when he was with me it was all fake. I just don't understand how anyone could do something so hurtful to another person.

[utterer of lies]

I loved him more than anyone else and I always will. No one is ever gonna be able to take the place of him (the good parts). He was my soul mate

 

Oh, grow up. Please.

[moo]

dkny, I understand you feel like that now...but down the road things will be different...you'll see.

 

Listen, have you ever thought about tracing your family history? It takes up lots of time and it is a very interesting project.