OpenBook Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 You may seek to help a person, but people are often not careful in how they word their opinions, of which they have every right, but thre is a difference between stating "this is MY opinion and what I would do in my own situation", or instead telling a person over and over on here "No, no, no. YOU are wrong. YOU must do as I say, and if you go not follow our collective loveshack advice immediately and as we say it, and if you continue to argue and discuss the confusion of emotion you have, and if you happen to relapse into disapproving liasons and/or behaviour, then we'll be sick of you and tell you you are just "seeking attention" or "looking for drama." That is by far one of the cruelest things I see on here. No, I think even crueler than that is the way they character-assassinate the OWs on here. And it's not about the cheating - it's about a WOMAN taking away somebody else's MAN. In reverse, an OM - and especially an MM - isn't vilified nearly as much on these boards. Somewhere in your lo-o-o-ng post Kismet , you said that everybody comes on here with their own agenda. It couldn't be any more obvious anywhere but here in the OM/OW forum!! I wasn't looking for avocation or affirmation of my actions, mind you. I wasn't looking for anyone to tell me I was doing the right thing or the wrong thing, I think I originally came here just to get that sort of humane feeling of relativity when you feel some solace in knowing that other people are going through the same thing you are, and that it's ok, and it'll work out somehow. Or even if they aren't going through a simliar thing, just by their nature as other human beings, they want to provide me with options they feel might work for me, as products of their own life experiences, and perhaps maybe one of those options may help me decide to move in the right direction for me. Isn't that what this forum is? Well yes, that's what it's SUPPOSED to be for. But it's not being used that way. It's basically punching-bag grounds for (mainly female) BS's to take out their frustrations on the OW. I have yet to see one thread on here - ONE THREAD - that's got more OP's posting on it than BS's. Practically every thread that's started here, gets overrun by BS's slashing and burning. And according to them, you lost the right to expect kindness and sympathy from anyone when you slept with someone else's man. It's not all about you (the refrain goes), and instead of focusing on me-me-me, you should think about all the people you're hurting by participating in this A. In fact, if you weren't buzzing around the MM, there wouldn't even BE an A in the first place - so really the MM's infidelity/betrayal of his own M IS ALL YOUR FAULT. Deal with it. No wonder you don't see so many OW's posting here anymore. It's turned into a BS-fest.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 But GEL, you walked away from your MM, didn't you? You were no longer willing to be the second-fiddle participant in the A... AND YOU WERE FULLY PREPARED TO GO ON LIVING YOUR LIFE WITHOUT HIM - right? So when you say "I was in it for the long haul" and "you have to have guts, a feeling that you ARE meant to be, and perseverance" - what exactly do you mean by that? I did walk away, twice, when I didn't get the actions I wanted. And he was good to me and he never treated me like a mistress. And I wasn't second fiddle, ever. I was the priority, and I knew it. I KNEW that if I waited it out, he would eventually leave, because his M was already over. I was willing to live life without him and he knew it. But I bided my time too. I wasn't all demanding within 2 weeks. What I meant about the long haul is you are in it til the end, provided he is doing the right things. Because honestly, it really begins when they separate. The emphasis here is on getting him to leave, but the reality is getting through what happens AFTER he leaves. GEL
Confused4Now Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I did walk away, twice, when I didn't get the actions I wanted. And he was good to me and he never treated me like a mistress. And I wasn't second fiddle, ever. I was the priority, and I knew it. I KNEW that if I waited it out, he would eventually leave, because his M was already over. I was willing to live life without him and he knew it. But I bided my time too. I wasn't all demanding within 2 weeks. What I meant about the long haul is you are in it til the end, provided he is doing the right things. Because honestly, it really begins when they separate. The emphasis here is on getting him to leave, but the reality is getting through what happens AFTER he leaves. GELWhen I went NC it was me basically stepping out of the situation and we never ended anything. I told her to get out of the situation however I was going to go live my life. I believed that I earned it when my divorce went final recently. but she was yet to file. So you could say I'm using the NC to get my answer rather to heal like everyone else says to. The one thing I do notice is I don't have those ups and down swings when I was in it. So for me I actually enjoy some peace right now....even though she reaches out. I don't respond but she is giving me updates....it would appear she at some point is coming to me....but only on my terms. I will not settle ever again......not to mention this time away is sun setting the affair piece of my relationship with her. I won't go back there again. If she were to come back into my life it will be only in a honest normal way. Sorry never going there again. Looking back I was so messed up and so obsessed....and it made me do things and think things which were very unhealthy .....nope not ever going there again....Like Gel I'm at a point I will not be second fiddle to that loser abuser H.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 You were lucky in being able to fulfill the future you desired. Not everyone gets that happy ending, no matter how badly they want it. You are wrong. I would get my happy ending WITH OR WITHOUT him. A lot of people here consider the happy ending being the MM leaves. That's not the happy ending. The happy ending is being true to yourself and not settling. Being happy with who you are and what you have. THE HAPPY ENDING IS IN US! It has nothing to do with a man. GEL
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I would get my happy ending WITH OR WITHOUT him. This is such a healthy way of looking at things.
Lyssa Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 You are wrong. I would get my happy ending WITH OR WITHOUT him. A lot of people here consider the happy ending being the MM leaves. That's not the happy ending. The happy ending is being true to yourself and not settling. Being happy with who you are and what you have. THE HAPPY ENDING IS IN US! It has nothing to do with a man. GEL Very well said, GEL - as always!
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