qdobajoe Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 We are a newlywed couple. We have been married for about 2 months now. Here is the situation: we live in a condo and when we got married I told my wife I wanted to cancel the cleaning crew we get in our place every other week. She agreed. Anyway, the other day I come to find out that she in fact did not fire the cleaning crew and the reason I found out they came and cleaned was because the whole house was vacuumed so I called my wife out on it and she confessed. Here is what really irks me, a few days prior to this she was complaining that she is always paying for everything. We have joint accounts but what we do is this....one week she pays to go out to eat, etc. and one week I pay. My wife has been complaining that she has been the one paying for a number of weeks straight. Anyway, I questioned her....if you can not afford to pay for us to go out to eat, etc. than how can you afford to have a cleaning crew come and clean our house every other week. She confessed that her mother is paying for the cleaning crew. Do you see this as a major issue? Should I really be upset? How should I handle such a thing? I told her that because she went behind my back and kept the cleaning crew, I am going to buy a 42" flat screen. Any advice?
CarrieT Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 If you are married, don't you have a joint account? Why is it still HER money and YOUR money? That doesn't make any sense. And a tit-for-tat retaliation of buying a television is only going to make the situation worse. You need to figure out why she lied; maybe have the maid service was that important to her but what is it about your relationship is there that made her feel as though she couldn't be honest with you about it? THAT is the issue you need to deal with.
Thaddeus Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Thank your MIL for paying for the cleaning crew. And make it clear that you and your wife can handle yourselves, thankyewverymuch. In private, you need to put your foot down with your wife. It's not about who's paying for the cleaning (hell, I'd be delighted to pay someone to handle my domestic stuff) it's the fact that she bald-faced LIED about it. Seems you and she didn't have the all-important "finances" discussion before you were married, did you? Well, now's a good a time as any. Meet with a good accountant to get yourself started off on the right foot, working together for some goals you have as a couple. And CarrieT is right, buying yourself a big-screen TV out of spite is about the worst possible thing you could do.
Star Gazer Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I told her that because she went behind my back and kept the cleaning crew, I am going to buy a 42" flat screen. Any advice? Go for it, but only if your dad buys it. Otherwise, you're looking at a direct route to be married unhappily ever after, or at least until a quick divorce. Actions taken in spite aren't a good sign. Thank your mother-in-law, and chip in on your joint expenses more often.
Lizzie60 Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 We are a newlywed couple. We have been married for about 2 months now. Here is the situation: we live in a condo and when we got married I told my wife I wanted to cancel the cleaning crew we get in our place every other week. She agreed. Anyway, the other day I come to find out that she in fact did not fire the cleaning crew and the reason I found out they came and cleaned was because the whole house was vacuumed so I called my wife out on it and she confessed. Here is what really irks me, a few days prior to this she was complaining that she is always paying for everything. We have joint accounts but what we do is this....one week she pays to go out to eat, etc. and one week I pay. My wife has been complaining that she has been the one paying for a number of weeks straight. Anyway, I questioned her....if you can not afford to pay for us to go out to eat, etc. than how can you afford to have a cleaning crew come and clean our house every other week. She confessed that her mother is paying for the cleaning crew. Do you see this as a major issue? Should I really be upset? How should I handle such a thing? I told her that because she went behind my back and kept the cleaning crew, I am going to buy a 42" flat screen. Any advice? Come on.. 42'' you got to be kidding.. this is way too small.. I have a 46'' and I think it's too small..
D-Lish Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Doesn't sound like cancelling the cleaning crew was a joint decision, sounds like this was something you wanted and put your foot down about. If this was important enough for her to ask her mother to pay for, perhaps it's worth listening to her about why it's important to her. If the two of you handle conflict with lies and subsequent retaliations- there's a big problem.
Phateless Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I told her that because she went behind my back and kept the cleaning crew, I am going to buy a 42" flat screen. LOL I love it! That's totally something I would say. edit - oh yeah, useful advice... I would just be firm with her that the deception is really what bothers you. Try to talk about ONE issue at a time. There are three separate things going on here and if the conversation gets muddied and you dance from topic to topic you'll never get anywhere with any of them. I say pick an issue and go for that - mainly, going behind your back. Once that's settled, come back to the money thing another time. That's a lot easier to settle. Maybe keep a logbook??
BUENG1 Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 We are a newlywed couple. We have been married for about 2 months now. Here is the situation: we live in a condo and when we got married I told my wife I wanted to cancel the cleaning crew we get in our place every other week. She agreed. Anyway, the other day I come to find out that she in fact did not fire the cleaning crew and the reason I found out they came and cleaned was because the whole house was vacuumed so I called my wife out on it and she confessed. Here is what really irks me, a few days prior to this she was complaining that she is always paying for everything. We have joint accounts but what we do is this....one week she pays to go out to eat, etc. and one week I pay. My wife has been complaining that she has been the one paying for a number of weeks straight. Anyway, I questioned her....if you can not afford to pay for us to go out to eat, etc. than how can you afford to have a cleaning crew come and clean our house every other week. She confessed that her mother is paying for the cleaning crew. Do you see this as a major issue? Should I really be upset? How should I handle such a thing? I told her that because she went behind my back and kept the cleaning crew, I am going to buy a 42" flat screen. Any advice? Her mother is paying for it so whats the big deal, its not she'e spending your money(your I mean yours as joint). I don't see the big deal. Though you still try to wrangle the big tv out of this . But in all seriousness I don't see the issue since her mother is paying for the cleaning service.
Thaddeus Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Doesn't sound like cancelling the cleaning crew was a joint decision, sounds like this was something you wanted and put your foot down about. I personally don't see a problem with that. Since paying for the cleaning service was causing some financial distress, I don't see anything at all wrong with one of the parties (regardless of gender) taking charge. But that's not the issue, the lying is the issue. And that's a biggie.
laRubiaBonita Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 i just wrote such a great post... and my internet dropped! in a nutshell a separate and joint account work well with my hubby and i... we have been married a year this sept. mostly- i would be pissed that she lied to you, and about a stupid trivial thing like this. trust, communication, and respect are the keys- at least that is what i have learned, and known, thus far. you buying TV just to spite her, cause "she started it" i just stooping to the level she was at when she lied to you. why even go there? and i do not mean that you have to ask her 'permission', but at least have the balls and self respect to tell her, before hand, that you are going to buy this tv that you have been wanting for a while, and even listen to what she has to say.... you do not have to agree, but open communication- even if it's passive aggressive behavior- will at least help.
D-Lish Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I personally don't see a problem with that. Since paying for the cleaning service was causing some financial distress, I don't see anything at all wrong with one of the parties (regardless of gender) taking charge. But that's not the issue, the lying is the issue. And that's a biggie. Perhaps having someone come in and clean was alleviating stress for her!? And it wasn't a discussion, he told her to cancel it. And let's face it- if he can afford to go out and buy a new TV, where is the financial stress? The lying is a big issue- but it sounds like communication and handling conflict is also a big issue. To threaten a retaliation like the OP has- means there is more to this problem than the first glance at his post. Adults shouldn't handle conflict like this- neither the lying nor the retaliation mentality. You work together to solve problems in a marriage- you don't lie- and you don't retaliate. I don't know why the wife didn't feel comfortable enough to suggest this alternative solution and instead went behind his back. But it's equally wrong to combat the issue with retaliation.
BUENG1 Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I personally don't see a problem with that. Since paying for the cleaning service was causing some financial distress, I don't see anything at all wrong with one of the parties (regardless of gender) taking charge. But that's not the issue, the lying is the issue. And that's a biggie. He said her mother paid for it.
Art_Critic Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I am going to buy a 42" flat screen. Any advice? Stick with Sony or Polaroid... Dude.. you have major issue.. 1) Your wife went against something that you both had already decided and agreed on, and did it for selfish reasons. 2) She hid the details of it then hid who was paying for it. 3) The MIL also stepped over the line, as YOUR MIL she should have also consulted you for such a decision. 4) Trust is now a big issue. You need to hammer this out face to face with nobody around and come to some compromise that you are both happy with. and honestly..I would make clear about the line drawn in your marriage and the MIL.. make sure that line is understood. By chance your wife isn't a only child, or spoiled by her parents ?
Citizen Erased Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Come on.. 42'' you got to be kidding.. this is way too small.. I have a 46'' and I think it's too small.. Samsung OP, Samsung. Buy the tv. And a new bed. Couch, towels etc. You're going to need to furnish your cardboard box fort, mate.
Author qdobajoe Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 yea...she is on the spoiled side....seriously why do you ask:confused: Stick with Sony or Polaroid... By chance your wife isn't a only child, or spoiled by her parents ?
Author qdobajoe Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 actually what concerns me more is the fact that my wife got upset at me because I was making her pay for going out to eat, etc. so my question is to her...if you are complaining about having to pay for us going out to eat....than why in the world would you want to pay for someone to clean the house?! on the other hand.....its not her who is actually paying for someone to clean the house...its her mom. I personally don't see a problem with that. Since paying for the cleaning service was causing some financial distress, I don't see anything at all wrong with one of the parties (regardless of gender) taking charge. But that's not the issue, the lying is the issue. And that's a biggie.
norajane Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 And it wasn't a discussion, he told her to cancel it. Did he tell her to cancel it? In his OP he said: I told my wife I wanted to cancel the cleaning crew we get in our place every other week. If he wanted to cancel it, then why didn't he cancel it? He left it up to her and she chose not to. And didn't tell him about it or why she didn't want to cancel the cleaning service. The lying is a big issue- but it sounds like communication and handling conflict is also a big issue. To threaten a retaliation like the OP has- means there is more to this problem than the first glance at his post. Adults shouldn't handle conflict like this- neither the lying nor the retaliation mentality. You work together to solve problems in a marriage- you don't lie- and you don't retaliate. I agree. It's petty tit-for-tat retaliation instead of communication and resolution. Along with an inability to open a joint checking account they both contribute to for joint expenses like eating out, cleaning services, and big screen tv's. actually what concerns me more is the fact that my wife got upset at me because I was making her pay for going out to eat, etc. She got mad because eating out is a joint expense, and you were, apparently, making her cover that expense. Why were you doing that? Why didn't you pay your share, according to your agreement that you would trade paying each week? If you are maintaining separate accounts, then yes, I'd get annoyed if you said you'd pay and then don't. Figure out a way to manage your joint expenses. Like opening an account you both contribute to, and that's the eating out and whatever else fund. If it's empty, then you cook at home.
Author qdobajoe Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 lets get this straight....we are not rich...so because of this fact I dont think we should have someone clean our house for us. the truth is my wife is not very good about cleaning....it stresses her out and such. there was no need to make a discussion about canceling the cleaning crew...I figured with the income we currently make....we can not afford a cleaning crew. the only reason we had a cleaning crew in the first place before we got married was because her mom was paying for it. my main problem was that my wife got upset with me because i was having her pay for going out to eat and I was not paying my fair share. we handle this by trading on and off 1 week to the next. so my point is...how can she have a cleaning crew but complain about paying. I got home one night and I saw that the cleaning crew had come in......I thought they were canceled so I was instantly mad. She proceeded to tell me she really did not cancel them. That got me even matter. And lastly she told me her mom was paying. At this point I was already upset over the whole situation so it really did not matter who was paying or not. Perhaps having someone come in and clean was alleviating stress for her!? And it wasn't a discussion, he told her to cancel it. And let's face it- if he can afford to go out and buy a new TV, where is the financial stress? The lying is a big issue- but it sounds like communication and handling conflict is also a big issue. To threaten a retaliation like the OP has- means there is more to this problem than the first glance at his post. Adults shouldn't handle conflict like this- neither the lying nor the retaliation mentality. You work together to solve problems in a marriage- you don't lie- and you don't retaliate. I don't know why the wife didn't feel comfortable enough to suggest this alternative solution and instead went behind his back. But it's equally wrong to combat the issue with retaliation.
norajane Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 the truth is my wife is not very good about cleaning....it stresses her out and such.And when you said you wanted to cancel the cleaning crew, did you offer to share cleaning chores with her? Did you suggest what cleaning you would do? Why is that her responsibility when you live there too? my main problem was that my wife got upset with me because i was having her pay for going out to eat and I was not paying my fair share. we handle this by trading on and off 1 week to the next. so my point is...how can she have a cleaning crew but complain about paying.Why weren't you paying your fair share, then? You lied to her about paying your share. Shouldn't she be upset about that? You seem to have placed the burden of both cleaning and paying for dinners out on your wife.
Author qdobajoe Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 I have no idea who the cleaning company is...my wife handles all that stuff. She knows I get mad at companies like that and does not trust me with their # :-) we have only been married for a few months now.....we just opened up our joint accounts and dont have things ironed out....like how much money is going into the joint checking and savings. Did he tell her to cancel it? In his OP he said: If he wanted to cancel it, then why didn't he cancel it? He left it up to her and she chose not to. And didn't tell him about it or why she didn't want to cancel the cleaning service. I agree. It's petty tit-for-tat retaliation instead of communication and resolution. Along with an inability to open a joint checking account they both contribute to for joint expenses like eating out, cleaning services, and big screen tv's. She got mad because eating out is a joint expense, and you were, apparently, making her cover that expense. Why were you doing that? Why didn't you pay your share, according to your agreement that you would trade paying each week? If you are maintaining separate accounts, then yes, I'd get annoyed if you said you'd pay and then don't. Figure out a way to manage your joint expenses. Like opening an account you both contribute to, and that's the eating out and whatever else fund. If it's empty, then you cook at home.
Author qdobajoe Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 to be honest my wife has been a messy person her whole life....so I should have known that getting into the marriage. when we do clean...we both clean...so yes we do share cleaning in that respect. she does the cooking and I do the cleaning in the kitchen. we usually split the bill from week to week when we go out...but it just so happened that this one week was not my pay week...and I asked her if she could pay and she agreed. And when you said you wanted to cancel the cleaning crew, did you offer to share cleaning chores with her? Did you suggest what cleaning you would do? Why is that her responsibility when you live there too? Why weren't you paying your fair share, then? You lied to her about paying your share. Shouldn't she be upset about that? You seem to have placed the burden of both cleaning and paying for dinners out on your wife.
norajane Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 we have only been married for a few months now.....we just opened up our joint accounts and dont have things ironed out....like how much money is going into the joint checking and savings.Then do that first. And do it WITH your wife. Don't just tell her you ran the numbers and figured it all out and she has to cancel the cleaning crew. Sit down with her, discuss your incomes, discuss your expenses, discuss how much to budget for the joint account and what it will cover. Make a plan and budget together. Discuss your financial goals, both short term and long term, and agree on how you will be handling money and stick to it. In a few months, sit down again and look through the accounts and adjust your plan if necessary. You can make this work out, but you have to be open to her viewpoint and her needs and goals, too. If you show her that you will listen, she'll feel free to be honest with you about what is important. If the cleaning crew is important to her, then maybe you two eat out a little less so that you can afford it. Work with her, not against her, and you'll see that she will do the same.
Author qdobajoe Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 Im sorry...no matter how I look at it...I have always thought that only the "rich" have a cleaning crew. And we are by far not rich. Then do that first. And do it WITH your wife. Don't just tell her you ran the numbers and figured it all out and she has to cancel the cleaning crew. Sit down with her, discuss your incomes, discuss your expenses, discuss how much to budget for the joint account and what it will cover. Make a plan and budget together. Discuss your financial goals, both short term and long term, and agree on how you will be handling money and stick to it. In a few months, sit down again and look through the accounts and adjust your plan if necessary. You can make this work out, but you have to be open to her viewpoint and her needs and goals, too. If you show her that you will listen, she'll feel free to be honest with you about what is important. If the cleaning crew is important to her, then maybe you two eat out a little less so that you can afford it. Work with her, not against her, and you'll see that she will do the same.
norajane Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Im sorry...no matter how I look at it...I have always thought that only the "rich" have a cleaning crew. And we are by far not rich. And how I grew up, only "rich" people went out all the time to eat in restaurants. It's so much cheaper to eat at home. And some people think gym memberships are for rich people - you can jog in the park and do push-ups at home. And others think taking vacations and staying in hotels is for rich people - you can drive in the minivan and stay in motels. It's not about rich or poor; it's about choices. Yours AND hers. Would you rather budget for a service, or deal with a stressed out wife? If she's always had a cleaning service, then she obviously was able to pay for it on her own. Why is it so impossible then to budget it for it when you are both contributing to household expenses? It's not. You just don't want to. And that's going to be a problem for you because this is obviously something important to her. Pick your battles, dude. You'll be living together a long time, and this is a blip on the radar. Pick your battles.
Author qdobajoe Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 we have been living together for around 2 years b4 we got married...but her mom was paying for it not us. And how I grew up, only "rich" people went out all the time to eat in restaurants. It's so much cheaper to eat at home. It's not about rich or poor; it's about choices. Yours AND hers. Would you rather budget for a service, or deal with a stressed out wife? If she's always had a cleaning service, then she obviously was able to pay for it on her own. Why is it so impossible then to budget it for it when you are both contributing to household expenses? It's not. You just don't want to. And that's going to be a problem for you because this is obviously something important to her. Pick your battles, dude. You'll be living together a long time, and this is a blip on the radar. Pick your battles.
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