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Looking for love, what's on your must have, and must definitely not have list?

paddington bear

By paddington bear
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paddington bear Established Member

paddington bear

Posted
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Ok, so I read (yet another) dating book and it suggested to make a list of what you are looking for from your ideal partner and also what you definitely won't tolerate. That way instead of being fuzzy, and hazy about what you want and ending up with yet another person who's wrong for you, you have your mental list and sieve the wheat from the chaff from the offset thus saving yourself much heartache and wasted time with the wrong person.

 

So, here's (a small part of my list):

 

Musts:

 

  • Must be kind.

 

  • Must think I'm the best thing since sliced bread, and love me just the way I am right now, not if I lost a few pounds, not if I just did this or just did that, but simply loving me as I am at this moment in time.

 

  • If not rich, or even financially stable, or even if he's poor, he must at least be enthusiastic and ambitious to fulfil his dreams, rather than sitting around on the couch smoking dope all day talking about how one day he'll write that novel but never doing anything about it.

 

  • Must be happy to just hang out with me and do normal stuff, cooking, watching a movie, going for a walk. Nothing special, but just happy to spend some time with me.

 

  • Must get on well socially with my friends and family. Nothing worse than me loving some guy and everyone else hating him, and him not liking them much either :)

 

  • And of course, must be sexually compatible with me, be sexy, same sense of humour, some common interests and all the other obvious things.

 

  • Must make me feel secure in his love, that his affection for me is constant.

 

  • Must be open to the idea of having kids at some point and open to some kind of commitment, be it moving in together at some stage or marriage.

 

  • Must call me when he says he will. Must turn up for arranged dates as planned. i.e. he must show me respect and enthusiasm for being with me.

 

Must Nots:

 

  • Must not have unresolved feelings for his ex, or any other object of affection.

 

  • Must not be a 'maybe' man. Maybe I like you, maybe I don't, I'm not really sure, I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship, I just want to be friends. Big NO. Must not say 'I'm a lone wolf' (yes, I got that). Must not say 'Love relationships come and go, but friendships are forever (yes, got that too).

 

  • Must not expect me to hang around for days, weeks, months, years while he decides whether he wants me or not.

 

  • Must not expect me to chase him and do all the running.

 

  • Must not have some kind of big emotional problems which brings out the mothering instinct in me and turns me from being sexy girlfriend into some kind of mommy figure who he then no longer wants to have sex with :).

Of course, making my list has also made me realise that if I want the must haves, then I'd need to change my behaviour and act like I deserve someone kind who doesn't mess me about and so on. If I act like an emotional crutch then I'll get an emotionally damaged man. If I act like it's ok for him not to call, or cancel dates at the last minute then I'll get a flaky guy who doesn't know what he wants. So, yeah the list is about 'the perfect guy for me' but it also serves to show you what you need to change about yourself.

 

So, come on kids, what's on your lists?

Thornton Established Member

Thornton

Posted
Posted

I've heard it said that you get what you're prepared to put up with. If you make it clear to a guy that you won't stand for any crap, you won't get it... if he's a crap-giving kind of guy he'll go and bother someone who's more of a doormat and leave you alone, freeing you up to find someone decent.

 

Most of the things on your list are about having some self respect and refusing to allow someone to disrespect you. The rest is just standard expectations: it's reasonable to expect someone to be kind and sociable, and to love and care about you if you're in a relationship together. How sad that we actively have to look for someone who is capable of caring about others, because it implies that many people aren't.

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paddington bear Established Member

paddington bear

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I've heard it said that you get what you're prepared to put up with. If you make it clear to a guy that you won't stand for any crap, you won't get it... if he's a crap-giving kind of guy he'll go and bother someone who's more of a doormat and leave you alone, freeing you up to find someone decent.

 

Most of the things on your list are about having some self respect and refusing to allow someone to disrespect you. The rest is just standard expectations: it's reasonable to expect someone to be kind and sociable, and to love and care about you if you're in a relationship together. How sad that we actively have to look for someone who is capable of caring about others, because it implies that many people aren't.

 

Good points, I never thought about it that way. I guess you feel some kind of connection with someone and gradually convince yourself that some of the most basic, important things aren't so important any more. I've found that any misgivings I've had in the beginning are usually the issues that break up the relationship in the end.

lora22 Established Member

lora22

Posted
Posted

Many things.

 

One requirement: He is allowed to have baggage, we all do - but it must fit in a carry-on.

Thornton Established Member

Thornton

Posted
Posted

Typically when a man isn't particularly nice to a woman, she'll respond with: "But I love him!" as if that justifies allowing him to treat her like crap (and vice versa if the woman isn't particularly nice to the man). People put up with a lot of bad treatment because they think they love the other person, and they don't stop to think about whether the other person loves them. It doesn't matter how much you love someone, if they disrespect you and don't love you back then you should dump them... love has to be a two-way thing.

moman Established Member

moman

Posted
Posted

I need a woman who is strong and can stand up to me. Another must have is a 4-year college degree.

nobody's girl Established Member

nobody's girl

Posted
Posted

Must:

 

- have a sense of humor

- be able to carry on a halfway intelligent conversation without bringing up NASCAR or religion

- have his own interests and allow me to have mine

- give me my personal space

- treat my dogs with respect (I don't expect them to fawn all over them like I do)

- understand that I will always have dogs

 

Must not:

- be missing teeth (at least in the front)

- be overly religious or force their religious views on me

- expect a spotless house (I'm a slob and I admit it)

- be rude, especially to wait staff in restaurants, etc.

- be cruel to people or animals

- alcoholic, drug addict, smoker, etc. Social drinking is fine

 

I always thought that my list wasn't that precise but I've yet to find anyone who fills the requirements. I have one associate that I still maintain fits the bill. Problem is he just won't cooperate. :) Actually, I find myself trying to get him to fit the mold. It's kind of like doing a jigsaw puzzle and you're so sure a piece fits that you bend it to force it to fit even though deep down inside you know it's not right.

utterer of lies Established Member

utterer of lies

Posted
Posted

Must not:

 

- fit to any predetermined set of critera based on either naive dreams or scars from past relationships.

 

 

;)

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