Need Advice! - cheated on girlfriend at start of relationship

[fromtheashes]

Please help me... I know its complicated but i dont know what to do or who to turn to.

 

So I have gotten myself into a bit of a pickle.

 

Basically at the start of my relationship with my current girlfriend (Girl A) I wasn't sure of the degree to which we were committed. In a very school playground fashion her friend encouraged me to "ask her out"... something I hadnt done in a long time - recently its been more of a case of open dating turning into something more serious.

 

I kissed another girl (Girl B) a few times and shared the same bed (no sex or anything like that) on one or two occasions in this period which lasted about 3 weeks. Girl B is one that I was getting close to before the relationship with Girl A although nothing really happened.

 

After this period I realised that Girl A was actually serious about the relationship so I told girl B that I wanted to be with Girl A.

 

Now the real problems start... Girl A didn't know about Girl B. Girl B knew Girl A existsed but didnt know that I was technically in a relationship with Girl B and that I was trying to pick between the two.

 

So eventually things seemed to sort themselves out.... I am growing incredibly close to Girl A... I love her SO much... even 6 months into the relationship I nearly proposed the other day.

 

However there have been MANY bumps caused by girl B.

 

I thought I could remain friends with Girl B... but to no real success. She kept on trying to drive a wedge between Girl A and myself... and when Girl A finally decided she wanted to speak to Girl B... all hell broke loose and girl B found out that Girl A never knew about her in the beginning.

 

Now girl B is threatening to tell girl A about everything.

 

This will destroy EVERYTHING. We had nearly split up several times in the past due to Girl B causing problems. We have literally only just recovered... coming clean now would destroy EVERYTHING. I was literallly ready to propose the other day... I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl.

 

I know for that to happen however that I would need to come clean beforehand... the problem is that if I say it too soon after we have had such a bumpy road I KNOW she will leave me... but if I leave it too late then it will get worse.

 

Also how would you break it to her? When?

 

I worry that if I do it in person she will cut me off as shes done so before and not let me explain.

 

I fully achknowledge this is all down to my own stupidly and me being naive... not achknowledging a relationship was serious and trying to cover up my **** up which has screwed up everything.

 

Help me, please.

 

Thank you.

[lora22]

I'm not trying to be a d*ck, but I don't really get how this is such a drama filled problem - meaning, the way you described the situation here, it sounds to me like everyone needs to chill.

 

The way I read this is that you were dating (NOT committed to) Girl A, as well as Girl B (Girl B sounded more like a hook up). It's normal for people to be casually dating more than one person at a time, and when they see things going somewhere with one of the girls or whatever, they stop talking to/hooking up with the other girls...

 

Can you be more clear on why you think you cheated on Girl A? Because the way you described it, I don't see it that way.

 

You never should've maintained any kind of relationship with Girl B - so cutting off all contact with her should be your first step in fixing this problem.

[Dexter Morgan]

So eventually things seemed to sort themselves out.... I am growing incredibly close to Girl A... I love her SO much

 

apparently not enough

 

 

 

However there have been MANY bumps caused by girl B.

 

wrong, the bumps are caused by the fact that you are a cheater...don't try to blame this on the other girl.

 

 

I thought I could remain friends with Girl B... but to no real success. She kept on trying to drive a wedge between Girl A and myself...

 

a wedge can't be driven in between you and girl A if you don't want it to happen. Again, don't try blaming this on anything but your own poor character.

 

 

 

and when Girl A finally decided she wanted to speak to Girl B... all hell broke loose and girl B found out that Girl A never knew about her in the beginning.

 

Now girl B is threatening to tell girl A about everything.

 

 

This will destroy EVERYTHING.

 

no, your cheating will destroy everything.

 

 

 

We had nearly split up several times in the past due to Girl B causing problems. We have literally only just recovered... coming clean now would destroy EVERYTHING. I was literallly ready to propose the other day... I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl.

 

why? if you can so easily cheat on her now, what do you think you are going to do when the relationship is old news to you, and the 7 year itch sets in.

 

cheating so early in a relationship, to me, indicates that you can't hang with a long term relationship with that person.

 

 

I worry that if I do it in person she will cut me off as shes done so before and not let me explain.

 

explain what? you cheated. are you going to try to convince girl A that its all girl B's fault?

[lora22]

Just reread - if you were "technically" in a relationship with Girl B when you started seeing Girl A, you cheated on Girl B with Girl A - not the other way around.

 

Sounds like you made a huge mess of things.

 

Girl A deserves to know the FULL story about Girl B - especially if you're thinking about proposing. Do it ASAP and do it in person.

[fromtheashes]

apparently not enough

 

 

 

 

wrong, the bumps are caused by the fact that you are a cheater...don't try to blame this on the other girl.

 

 

 

 

a wedge can't be driven in between you and girl A if you don't want it to happen. Again, don't try blaming this on anything but your own poor character.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

no, your cheating will destroy everything.

 

 

 

 

 

why? if you can so easily cheat on her now, what do you think you are going to do when the relationship is old news to you, and the 7 year itch sets in.

 

cheating so early in a relationship, to me, indicates that you can't hang with a long term relationship with that person.

 

 

 

 

explain what? you cheated. are you going to try to convince girl A that its all girl B's fault?

 

I know this is all out of my own stupidity. Im not trying to hide that.

 

Girl B openly admitted later on to posting things on facebook, etc. on my wall that she knew would cause bumps... flirty messages, etc. that I thought at the time was just her being a friend... Girl A spotted it but I didnt believe it myself at the time.

 

The kissing/sharing bed (again no sex by the way) happened in the first 3 weeks when I didn know it was serious. Since then I haven't done a single thing else and I have no intention to what so ever.

 

I feel so dam strongly for girl A, more then I have for anyone EVER.

 

I ****ed up so much by trying to hide all this and hope it would go away. But if I had said it earlier... because it was 3 weeks it would have been a signifigant part of the relationship. However leaving it later makes it worse too.

 

She is going to uni soon (and im starting a new year) and she will be at the other end of the country. I *really* want this to work with us. I don't want anyone else but her.

[AlektraClementine]

I know this is all out of my own stupidity. Im not trying to hide that.

 

Girl B openly admitted later on to posting things on facebook, etc. on my wall that she knew would cause bumps... flirty messages, etc. that I thought at the time was just her being a friend... Girl A spotted it but I didnt believe it myself at the time.

 

The kissing/sharing bed (again no sex by the way) happened in the first 3 weeks when I didn know it was serious. Since then I haven't done a single thing else and I have no intention to what so ever.

 

I feel so dam strongly for girl A, more then I have for anyone EVER.

 

I ****ed up so much by trying to hide all this and hope it would go away. But if I had said it earlier... because it was 3 weeks it would have been a signifigant part of the relationship. However leaving it later makes it worse too.

 

She is going to uni soon (and im starting a new year) and she will be at the other end of the country. I *really* want this to work with us. I don't want anyone else but her.

 

If you're saying that this happened before things got serious, I wonder you took the trouble to hide it.

 

Am I to understand that you and your girlfriend hadn't had the "exclusivity" talk when this happened? What are you hiding or not telling us?

[fromtheashes]

Just reread - if you were "technically" in a relationship with Girl B when you started seeing Girl A, you cheated on Girl B with Girl A - not the other way around.

 

Sounds like you made a huge mess of things.

 

Girl A deserves to know the FULL story about Girl B - especially if you're thinking about proposing. Do it ASAP and do it in person.

 

Aye I've made a huge mess. I have wanted to crawl up into a ball an die many times over thinking over this whole screw up.

 

Problem is that because of the other problems we have had recently... things are REALLY frail... and I am deadly serious about this. I know she has to know but I dont know how/when.

 

If I do it now - relationship is recovering but still frail - will shatter everything.

If I do it in person - she will cut me off as she has done before and she will never listen.

[fromtheashes]

If you're saying that this happened before things got serious, I wonder you took the trouble to hide it.

 

Am I to understand that you and your girlfriend hadn't had the "exclusivity" talk when this happened? What are you hiding or not telling us?

 

See this is something else... I used to be so certain of myself... but this whole situation has made me doubt everything about myself. Some of these questions are very valid ones that I dont think I hav an answer too and that worries me.

 

I guess things were slowly getting closer as we were speaking/hanging out more. I guess I thought that it would damage things if I told her that I kissed another girl/shared the same bed.

 

We didnt have an exclusivity talk at the time no :s Im starting to get the impression that it was simply assumed from the start.

[Thornton]

It's not like you had sex with girl B... you kissed her a few times and slept in the same bed platonically. Girl B has clearly been jealous of your relationship with girl A from the beginning, and has been trying to wreck things... why have you not cut contact with her before now?!

 

Why is girl B threatening to tell girl A everything anyway? Does she think she can get you back? Or is she just being spiteful and wanting to ruin your relationship? Why have you remained friends with someone who has clearly been trying to ruin your relationship for some time?

 

The first thing you need to do is make it very clear to girl B that she will never get you back even if you break up with girl A. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you never want to hear from her again. Then completely cut girl B out of your life... stop talking to her, de-friend her on Facebook, stop answering her calls and emails, get her number blocked or change yours if need be. Hopefully once girl B is out of your life it will all blow over and everything will be fine... girl B will no longer have an incentive to ruin your relationship if she has no more contact with you.

 

If girl B continues trying to contact girl A to tell her everything, then you'll have to say something to girl A. You could tell her the truth, tell her you weren't yet in a serious and exclusive relationship and nothing really happened between you and girl B. Alternatively, my preferred strategy would be to deny everything: explain that girl B is terribly jealous and is trying to break you up by telling lies, so you've cut her out of your life. It's your word against hers and she can't prove anything.

[lora22]

Aye I've made a huge mess. I have wanted to crawl up into a ball an die many times over thinking over this whole screw up.

 

Problem is that because of the other problems we have had recently... things are REALLY frail... and I am deadly serious about this. I know she has to know but I dont know how/when.

 

If I do it now - relationship is recovering but still frail - will shatter everything.

If I do it in person - she will cut me off as she has done before and she will never listen.

 

Holy wow, you sound so dramatic! Am I right that she's 18ish and you're slightly older? That's pretty young.

 

If you love this girl so much, stop thinking about yourself (you'll lose her if/when you tell her the truth, or if/when this other girl tells your gf for you). Honestly, now that I understand you were cheating on Girl B with Girl A, I can kinda understand why Girl B is being such a brat - it's not excusable, but I see where she's coming from. You hurt her!! And you apparently don't see it that way or care at all about her feelings. Sure she's being immature, but my point is for future reference there are some lessons you should be taking from this.

 

Stop making excuses and just tell her - again, in person would be best. If she doesn't listen to you in person, she's not going to listen to you on the phone or online or in writing either bud. If you think she's going to cut you off, I'm guessing she'd be cutting off the "but I love you so much and this other girl meant nothing" part - I bet she'll be all ears when you tell her the part that is most relevant to her - that you were cheating on your gf with her when she thought you two were together.

 

And again, stop being selfish and making excuses and do it now. It's not going to be better if you tell her much later, and I have a feeling that you'll just hope it all goes away and you never have to tell her - it seems the only reason you're freaking out now is because you have a threat from the other girl hanging over your head.

[fromtheashes]

It's not like you had sex with girl B... you kissed her a few times and slept in the same bed platonically. Girl B has clearly been jealous of your relationship with girl A from the beginning, and has been trying to wreck things... why have you not cut contact with her before now?!

 

Why is girl B threatening to tell girl A everything anyway? Does she think she can get you back? Or is she just being spiteful and wanting to ruin your relationship? Why have you remained friends with someone who has clearly been trying to ruin your relationship for some time?

 

The first thing you need to do is make it very clear to girl B that she will never get you back even if you break up with girl A. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you never want to hear from her again. Then completely cut girl B out of your life... stop talking to her, de-friend her on Facebook, stop answering her calls and emails, get her number blocked or change yours if need be. Hopefully once girl B is out of your life it will all blow over and everything will be fine... girl B will no longer have an incentive to ruin your relationship if she has no more contact with you.

 

If girl B continues trying to contact girl A to tell her everything, then you'll have to say something to girl A. You could tell her the truth, tell her you weren't yet in a serious and exclusive relationship and nothing really happened between you and girl B. Alternatively, my preferred strategy would be to deny everything: explain that girl B is terribly jealous and is trying to break you up by telling lies, so you've cut her out of your life. It's your word against hers and she can't prove anything.

 

I think at this stage its more that girl B hates me and doesnt want anything to do with me. She says she feels guilty about hiding all this from girl A and she hates me for begging her not to tell girl A on account of me not wanting to lose girl A.

 

Is telling more lies the solution?

 

What if girl B drops in screen shots and quotes from messages Ive sent to her on facebook begging her not to tell Girl A.

 

I have already defriended girl B and stopped speaking to her... until she text me this morning out of the blue saying she was going to tell girl A.

[lora22]

 

Is telling more lies the solution?

 

Um no - your relationship is already problematic and dramatic - more lies = more problems and drama, and because of the whole situation with Girl B, I'm sure your gf wouldn't believe you anyways.

[fromtheashes]

Holy wow, you sound so dramatic! Am I right that she's 18ish and you're slightly older? That's pretty young.

 

If you love this girl so much, stop thinking about yourself (you'll lose her if/when you tell her the truth, or if/when this other girl tells your gf for you). Honestly, now that I understand you were cheating on Girl B with Girl A, I can kinda understand why Girl B is being such a brat - it's not excusable, but I see where she's coming from. You hurt her!! And you apparently don't see it that way or care at all about her feelings. Sure she's being immature, but my point is for future reference there are some lessons you should be taking from this.

 

Stop making excuses and just tell her - again, in person would be best. If she doesn't listen to you in person, she's not going to listen to you on the phone or online or in writing either bud. If you think she's going to cut you off, I'm guessing she'd be cutting off the "but I love you so much and this other girl meant nothing" part - I bet she'll be all ears when you tell her the part that is most relevant to her - that you were cheating on your gf with her when she thought you two were together.

 

And again, stop being selfish and making excuses and do it now. It's not going to be better if you tell her much later, and I have a feeling that you'll just hope it all goes away and you never have to tell her - it seems the only reason you're freaking out now is because you have a threat from the other girl hanging over your head.

 

Girl A = 19 (20 soon)

Girl B = 18

Me = 21 (22 soon)

 

I realise Ive hurt girl B's feelings and I hate myself for that. Ive tried to apologise a hundred times over but she isnt interested. After speaking to her today its apparent that theres two things:

- She wants me to "loose everything"

- She hates me for making her this person - especially for encouraging her to hide what happened.

 

I guess I am being selfish... I just REALLY don't want to lose this girl. I can honestly see me being with her for a LONG time. I can say with all honesty that I love her.

 

And for this reason I want to be careful HOW I tell her and WHEN.

 

We have had some massive bumps recently and shes only just starting to love me again.

 

Infact recently when I managed to get drunk and a bit useless (after 12 months of not drinking) she got me home, put me to bed... the next day she was so loved up because she realised that even though I had lied to her (she only knows half of everything... basically the bit she doesnt know is what happened in the first month) she still felt she had to look after me... and for that reason she knew she loved me.

 

I really love her.

[Dexter Morgan]

I know this is all out of my own stupidity. Im not trying to hide that.

 

Girl B openly admitted later on to posting things on facebook, etc. on my wall that she knew would cause bumps... flirty messages, etc. that I thought at the time was just her being a friend... Girl A spotted it but I didnt believe it myself at the time.

 

The kissing/sharing bed (again no sex by the way) happened in the first 3 weeks when I didn know it was serious.

 

so then whats the problem? but then again, why do you call her your girlfriend when you did this and why do you consider it cheating if you didn't think it was serious?

 

Or was it more serious than you care to admit and want to downplay what happened?

 

If it truly was in the first 3 weeks, and you don't think it was serious, perhaps she won't either. If you two weren't committed, then she could overlook it.....right? Why don't you tell her that.

 

But whatever you do, DO NOT put this on girl B. its not her fault and will only look like you are making excuses to girl A.

[Thornton]

She says she feels guilty about hiding all this from girl A and she hates me for begging her not to tell girl A on account of me not wanting to lose girl A.

Um... hiding what exactly? Sounds to me like there's nothing to hide... she wishes there was! You're acting like there's something to hide, and she's using it against you.

 

I have already defriended girl B and stopped speaking to her... until she text me this morning out of the blue saying she was going to tell girl A.

Don't reply, she's looking for a reaction. Change your number if necessary.

 

Ive tried to apologise a hundred times over but she isnt interested.

Apologise for what? For kissing her and then finding someone else? Come on, this is absolutely ridiculous, you have nothing to apologise for.

 

After speaking to her today its apparent that theres two things:

- She wants me to "loose everything"

- She hates me for making her this person - especially for encouraging her to hide what happened.

Why are you still talking to her? Ignore her!

 

She's a very nasty spiteful person if she wants you to lose everything just because she can't have you. You didn't make her this way, she's being a nasty person all on her own. She could choose to just let it go and walk away with dignity, but instead she's spitefully trying to get revenge for... for nothing it seems, all you did was kiss her and dump her.

 

I think she's unlikely to go through with telling your gf what happened anyway, she's just trying to wind you up and make you feel guilty. You really should have cut contact with her the second she started making snidey comments and trying to drive a wedge between you and your gf. As it stands, you need to go complete NC: don't reply to texts or answer calls or emails, block her on everything and ignore her completely, don't communicate with her at all. Regardless of what threats she makes, continue to ignore her... can't you see she's only making these threats to get you to talk to her again?

 

If she does tell your gf what happened (unlikely) don't make a big deal out of it or act guilty... you didn't actually do anything wrong!

[lora22]

 

Apologise for what? For kissing her and then finding someone else? Come on, this is absolutely ridiculous, you have nothing to apologise for.

 

Honestly, I'm getting the impression that the issue is the OP was a little shady about things - he said that he was technically in a relationship with Girl B when he started dating Girl A.

 

It's unclear what he means by "technically" but to me it sounds like he cheated on Girl B.

 

Either way, it sounds like everyone involved thrives on drama.

[Dexter Morgan]

Honestly, I'm getting the impression that the issue is the OP was a little shady about things - he said that he was technically in a relationship with Girl B when he started dating Girl A.

 

It's unclear what he means by "technically"

 

 

technically is the term cheaters use when they want to downplay their actions.