Trialbyfire Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 That's not just knowing. There are different types of chemistry... and thus different styles of love.IMO, destructive love isn't love. It's more a codependency.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I did have difficulty in relationships before and that was because I didn't know myself and didn't work on myself internally. And in my current relationship, I have learned so much. It's been a year and 8 months; my longest relationship before that was 3 months. I've learned a lot about how relationships work, about how to handle the "honeymoon phase" fading away, about effective communication. I love my boyfriend dearly; he knows that, and he loves me too; I know what my bottom line is (needs), and he meets everything on that list, which is great. But as far as what I desire...well, that's another story. So according to the definitions of some posters here, I am engaging in a form of settling...wow, go me. Way to be hypocritical. What parts of your desire list is he missing specifically?
Author tigressA Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 Relationships aren't projects. You shouldn't need to keep trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, no double-entendre intended. If your relationship is consistently hard work, the two of you aren't compatible enough, unless you enjoy fighting or being the one who does all the heavy relationship hauling. That's a very good point. I guess if you had to describe my relationship in one word it would be "work"--for me, at least.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 IMO, destructive love isn't love. It's more a codependency. That's true... but believe me when I say that not all love is the same. There are different types and different degrees. Some people love that infatuation, highly emotional love... some people prefer that security kind of love... ect. Bottom line, nobody just knows. What they are actually talking about is how the relationship feels to them at any given point.
Author tigressA Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 What parts of your desire list is he missing specifically? Common interests/hobbies. Emotional openness (as in not being afraid to open up, say "I love you", etc). He does meet the religious/political beliefs desire in that we're both non-religious and politically liberal. Differing beliefs in that vein don't matter to me unless the person I'm thinking about being with bullies me about my views/tries to push their views on me.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Common interests/hobbies. Emotional openness (as in not being afraid to open up, say "I love you", etc). He does meet the religious/political beliefs desire in that we're both non-religious and politically liberal. Differing beliefs in that vein don't matter to me unless the person I'm thinking about being with bullies me about my views/tries to push their views on me. Emotional openness is a big issue. You should figure out what causes his block. For example, I only open up to a female when I feel like it wont affect how she feels about me. You do need to have some common interests as well. It's nearly impossible to be total opposites. What do you like to do together right now? What makes it feel like work?
Trialbyfire Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 That's true... but believe me when I say that not all love is the same. There are different types and different degrees. Some people love that infatuation, highly emotional love... some people prefer that security kind of love... ect.You can still have highly emotional love without the highly negative aspects. Crazy passion and desire for your mate doesn't have to include abusive behaviour(s). As for "loving" that infatuation feeling, that's not love. That's an addiction to the hunt and within itself, a form of commitment phobia. Bottom line, nobody just knows. What they are actually talking about is how the relationship feels to them at any given point.Oh sure, every relationship is a crapshoot, since there are no guarantees in life of forever and a day. This doesn't mean you can't "just know", when you have all cylinders firing at the same time. I'm not talking about love at first sight, because I throw down the b/s flag on that one, since it's just about physical attraction.
Trialbyfire Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Common interests/hobbies. Emotional openness (as in not being afraid to open up, say "I love you", etc). He does meet the religious/political beliefs desire in that we're both non-religious and politically liberal. Differing beliefs in that vein don't matter to me unless the person I'm thinking about being with bullies me about my views/tries to push their views on me.Plse expand on that a bit more, from the perspective of what you do have in common.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 You can still have highly emotional love without the highly negative aspects. Crazy passion and desire for your mate doesn't have to include abusive behaviour(s). As for "loving" that infatuation feeling, that's not love. That's an addiction to the hunt and within itself, a form of commitment phobia. Oh sure, every relationship is a crapshoot, since there are no guarantees in life of forever and a day. This doesn't mean you can't "just know", when you have all cylinders firing at the same time. I'm not talking about love at first sight, because I throw down the b/s flag on that one, since it's just about physical attraction. I am going to agree with you on all the above... mostly because I have never, ever seen someone win an argument with you. Are you saying that love is an emotion?
Trialbyfire Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I am going to agree with you on all the above... mostly because I have never, ever seen someone win an argument with you. We're discussing an interesting subject, not arguing! Are you saying that love is an emotion?Love is an emotion and action but can be turned on and off, at will.
Author tigressA Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 Emotional openness is a big issue. You should figure out what causes his block. For example, I only open up to a female when I feel like it wont affect how she feels about me. You do need to have some common interests as well. It's nearly impossible to be total opposites. What do you like to do together right now? What makes it feel like work? He has opened up more emotionally but only since I started "pulling back"--as in, acting more like I didn't need him to satisfy my emotional desires (and I do feel much less needy since starting that). I didn't say "I love you"; I didn't "pressure" him to say it. I was very chill about things and then all of a sudden he becomes this wellspring of emotion. I like to go out and do things--go to interesting places, try new things, etc. He's a homebody; he's content with just staying around the house and watching TV, playing his game on his computer. He loves soccer; I could care less about it, though I've made an effort to be interested--I ask questions; I watch him play in the neighborhood games. I have my nose in a book more often than not; he doesn't read. We both major(ed) in history. We do go out, but it's mostly at my request and he hardly ever has an opinion on what he wants to do--I have to make all the decisions about what to do, where to go.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 We're discussing an interesting subject, not arguing! Love is an emotion and action but can be turned on and off, at will. You totally get it! You can't separate the emotion from the action... they must coexist or it's not really love. Did you say earlier that your single?
Ariadne Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 He has opened up more emotionally but only since I started "pulling back"--as in, acting more like I didn't need him to satisfy my emotional desires (and I do feel much less needy since starting that). I didn't say "I love you"; I didn't "pressure" him to say it. I was very chill about things and then all of a sudden he becomes this wellspring of emotion. I like to go out and do things--go to interesting places, try new things, etc. He's a homebody; he's content with just staying around the house and watching TV, playing his game on his computer. He loves soccer; I could care less about it, though I've made an effort to be interested--I ask questions; I watch him play in the neighborhood games. I have my nose in a book more often than not; he doesn't read. We both major(ed) in history. We do go out, but it's mostly at my request and he hardly ever has an opinion on what he wants to do--I have to make all the decisions about what to do, where to go. You are definitely settling.
Trialbyfire Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 You totally get it! You can't separate the emotion from the action... they must coexist or it's not really love. Did you say earlier that your single? Nicely played U/F but engaged! You are definitely settling.I agree.
Author tigressA Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 You are definitely settling. So according to you and TBF, I'm settling. We are almost completely different, I know, but I love him.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Nicely played U/F but engaged! I must have missed that part.
Author tigressA Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 I must have missed that part. :lmao:
Ariadne Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 So according to you and TBF, I'm settling. We are almost completely different, I know, but I love him. You may have some affection for him. Like I have for my ex husband.
shadowplay Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I don't think settling is about comparing your lists of wants to what your partner has to offer. It's about a feeling. You either truly want this person a deep level, or you don't. When you don't, the feeling is off. It's as simple as that.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 He has opened up more emotionally but only since I started "pulling back"--as in, acting more like I didn't need him to satisfy my emotional desires (and I do feel much less needy since starting that). I didn't say "I love you"; I didn't "pressure" him to say it. I was very chill about things and then all of a sudden he becomes this wellspring of emotion. This part is would make me worry. It may just be a lack of emotional maturity on his part. Sit back and see how long he continues to be affectionate towards you. I like to go out and do things--go to interesting places, try new things, etc. He's a homebody; he's content with just staying around the house and watching TV, playing his game on his computer. He loves soccer; I could care less about it, though I've made an effort to be interested--I ask questions; I watch him play in the neighborhood games. I have my nose in a book more often than not; he doesn't read. We both major(ed) in history. We do go out, but it's mostly at my request and he hardly ever has an opinion on what he wants to do--I have to make all the decisions about what to do, where to go. It's about balance. Make him a deal that if you get involved with some of his things... soccer, his computer game... ect. He will plan some nights out, and read some of the items in your book club. This sounds really cheesy, but reading the same books can be lots of fun. That doesnt mean you run out and buy matching T-shirts to wear around town... but it can help put you on the same wavelength. I would not say that you are settling at this point. What I can say is that you seem to be feeding the negativity. The more you focus your thoughts on what is lacking in your relationship... the worse it will get.
Ariadne Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 So according to you and TBF, I'm settling. We are almost completely different, I know, but I love him. In other words, you may care for this guy, but you don't have a spiritual connection.
Author tigressA Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 You may have some affection for him. Like I have for my ex husband. I know, it sounds strange. But there's just something there. We get along; we just "click". We've had our share of problems but we've been able to get through them.
shadowplay Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Settling is not when a person doesn't match your list of ideal characteristics. Settling is not when you are with someone who is 5/10 on the looks scale when you really think you could get an 8 or a 9 (as long as you are sexually attracted to that 5) I guess when you settle, if you spend enough time with this person you will grow to love them in a way as you do a sibling or a long term friend. But you will never be in love with them. Again it has nothing to do with your wants, needs, or lists. The "in love" feeling is just not there. You are thinking love, but not feeling love. Agreed 100%
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 :lmao: I'm joking. I am very happy with my current GF. :bunny::bunny:
Trialbyfire Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Perhaps it's a definition issue but I don't consider spirituality a connection. That's within ourselves. I'm talking about all cylinders firing, from physical, to emotional, to intellectual, it's all connected.
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