butcher's hook Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 If anything this is what online dating is supposed to do, in theory. You specify the type of person you are looking for, from the physical qualities, education, smoker, etc. Problem is the majority of single people are still not keen on online dating because there is still a stigma attached to it. In my opinion it doesn't work we are not programmed to attract from the inside out, we are not programmed to build a partner on paper. We are programmed to let our animal instincts guide us to the people we intuitively respond to with all our senses, not what we respond to solely on a mental level. See that sort of ties in to what Sam Spade was saying when you stick too sternly to a laundry list of criteria you are not letting your sense guide you are trying to build a partner. That is when it becomes too conditional. I really don't think that's how you find love. I don't, doens't mean others can't.
Stark Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 That seems to be a good working criteria of whether a person is "settling" for another: is there anybody or any "type" they'd rather be with. I call that being human, because no matter who you meet, spend enough time with anybody, and you'll find out their flaws. The difference being wether you can accept those flaws and still be happy with them and want them to still be your partner. Anyway, slightly on topic I don't believe in types or settling. A lot of people seem to over complicate things with demanding this and that. So long as I find someone sexually attractive, can communicate with them, feel comfortable with them, enjoy spending time with them, can live with them, love them and the feelings mutual, loves sex and has an eagerness to always try their best and have the same respect/views I have on relationship thats all I ever want. That is a pretty hard thing to find in of itself, when you start demanding this height, these eyes, this weight, this size of breasts, this sort of attitude, has to have a good career, ideas in life of where to go I feel you are just overcomplicating things and will NEVER be happy.
espec10001 Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 In my opinion it doesn't work we are not programmed to attract from the inside out, we are not programmed to build a partner on paper. We are programmed to let our animal instincts guide us to the people we intuitively respond to with all our senses, not what we respond to solely on a mental level. See that sort of ties in to what Sam Spade was saying when you stick too sternly to a laundry list of criteria you are not letting your sense guide you are trying to build a partner. That is when it becomes too conditional. I really don't think that's how you find love. I don't, doens't mean others can't. But then that poses a problem. If you don't want to settle, you have a list of what you want and don't want in a partner. You can specify this in online dating sites and search for people who match this criteria. If you just perchance meet someone in real life, they might have qualities that you don't want and that would be deemed settling. There are a LOT of single people out there, probably more than anyone is aware of, yet in cities where they all are its difficult meeting them. Online dating for me is weird, I don't think it would work for me but I'm guessing it works for some. Sometimes I wonder if the powers that be don't want us mating because of overpopulation.
Trialbyfire Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 There are times when the negatives seem much more important than they are until it is too late. A vicious trap that perpetuates itself.I agree but by the same token, you have to weigh this against your personal boundaries, hence the reference to balance. As an extreme example, say someone has a partner who's physically abusive but in all other ways, is the perfect partner. To the curb, he/she goes!
butcher's hook Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 But then that poses a problem. If you don't want to settle, you have a list of what you want and don't want in a partner. You can specify this in online dating sites and search for people who match this criteria. If you just perchance meet someone in real life, they might have qualities that you don't want and that would be deemed settling. There are a LOT of single people out there, probably more than anyone is aware of, yet in cities where they all are its difficult meeting them. Online dating for me is weird, I don't think it would work for me but I'm guessing it works for some. Sometimes I wonder if the powers that be don't want us mating because of overpopulation. You make a LOT of sense my friend. If you do not want to settle yes I guess leaving it up to a laundry list of criteria online is the way to go. The problem with that is that most people eventually find out how OUT TO LUNCH they are in their expectations and they realize that their laundry list is not as easy to fulfill as they thought. That's why you see the same faces stay on sites for months on end. I can tap into that big free one at any point and I am guaranteed to see the exact same faces that were on there a few years ago when I was doing it. That tells me something pretty loudly. No one is THAT unlucky in finding a mate, it means they have completely unrealistic expecations or they are so broken they don't even want a relationship. No one person deserves THAT much, c'mon! Online is not for me either, so I am with you on that one!
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 See that sort of ties in to what Sam Spade was saying when you stick too sternly to a laundry list of criteria you are not letting your sense guide you are trying to build a partner. That is when it becomes too conditional. I really don't think that's how you find love. I don't' date=' doens't mean others can't.[/quote'] What is the difference between Settling and Choosing a partner for reasons other than love?
butcher's hook Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 What is the difference between Settling and Choosing a partner for reasons other than love? Nothing really. Not in my books at least.
paddington bear Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 my biggest problem with settling is that I believe whoever has done the settling will one day be hit. Bam! With the love of their life and then the settled for person will be tossed aside. However, if both parties agree to the settling, both are not madly in love but are great friends and think they'd make a good partnership, then why not?
Phateless Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 TBF - I think you are dead-on about the victim mentality. That was one major epiphany in my life that helped me turn it around. Stop playing victim and start taking personal responsibility. I think settling is knowingly undercutting yourself. Setting also has a benefit. People don't settle unless they're getting something out of it, even if all they're getting is avoidance of the fear of being alone.
butcher's hook Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 my biggest problem with settling is that I believe whoever has done the settling will one day be hit. Bam! With the love of their life and then the settled for person will be tossed aside. I believe this too! The more I have read about affairs the more I have seen this as the exact pattern for why people so easily step out and fall deeply in love with someone else. I mean how can this even happen if they were tryly in love with the person they are commited to?
paddington bear Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I believe this too! The more I have read about affairs the more I have seen this as the exact pattern for why people so easily step out and fall deeply in love with someone else. I mean how can this even happen if they were tryly in love with the person they are commited to? Then again...this happens in love relationships all the time. You fall madly in love and then life happens, maybe the loved-upness fades a bit and you find that you have indeed settled somewhere along the line, and though you were in love once, now you're with someone who maybe you thought was 'the one' and was for a while, and is now merely 'good enough for now'. So should you settle in that case too? Being deeply in love and caring for the other person sure helps when it comes to LTR's, marriage, kids, life's ups and downs, however, I'm not sure it's the ultimate key either to having a long and successful relationship, because people change over time and that love can fade. It's what you do after those chemical love feelings dwindle that's important methinks.
espec10001 Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 TBF - I think you are dead-on about the victim mentality. That was one major epiphany in my life that helped me turn it around. Stop playing victim and start taking personal responsibility. I think settling is knowingly undercutting yourself. Setting also has a benefit. People don't settle unless they're getting something out of it, even if all they're getting is avoidance of the fear of being alone. Yeah, I used to do that in the past. I'd get into relationships just because I didn't want to be alone. When I always had that fear of being alone, I had WAY more dates and opportunity. After too many bad relationships because of this fear of loneliness, I find I'd rather be alone then be with someone just so I wasn't alone. Problem is, now I'm always alone! It's a huge conundrum that I'm sure all the singles out there feel a similar way.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Nothing really. Not in my books at least. I would tend to agree. The point though is that what once was love can turn to settling, and what once was settling can turn to love. I believe this too! The more I have read about affairs the more I have seen this as the exact pattern for why people so easily step out and fall deeply in love with someone else. I mean how can this even happen if they were tryly in love with the person they are commited to? People in affairs tend to rewrite their own emotional history... so what was love in the beginning becomes settling in their minds. We choose to love our spouse. We must make that choice every single day, even when it is hard. Too many people simply choose not to love their spouse when times become tough or when they fail to meet certain criteria. This is when affairs can happen.
paddington bear Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Yeah, I used to do that in the past. I'd get into relationships just because I didn't want to be alone. When I always had that fear of being alone, I had WAY more dates and opportunity. After too many bad relationships because of this fear of loneliness, I find I'd rather be alone then be with someone just so I wasn't alone. Problem is, now I'm always alone! It's a huge conundrum that I'm sure all the singles out there feel a similar way. It is a conundrum. I never did the being with someone just not to be alone thing, however, that has meant long (and I mean loooong) droughts of me time, being alone, no sex, no companionship, no love, in between meeting those men I truly felt a connection with. I'm wondering how many years it will take for the next one to come along? It's a horrible thought.
espec10001 Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 It is a conundrum. I never did the being with someone just not to be alone thing, however, that has meant long (and I mean loooong) droughts of me time, being alone, no sex, no companionship, no love, in between meeting those men I truly felt a connection with. I'm wondering how many years it will take for the next one to come along? It's a horrible thought. What I've found to help is focus on work and hobbies. It's a good way to take your mind off of it, to feel like you are doing something important or contributing to society somehow. I haven't been on a real date in a loooooooooooong time gosh, but I've learned a lot of things about subjects that I was always interested in, so in a way its not that bad.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Framing the choice of partners as "settling" is very destructive, precisely because it wrecks the notion of unconditional love. I'd much rather have love where after you spend sometime with someone you eventually decide "Oh, well, she/he could really improve their manners/be a little smarter/whatever flaws you find - just like in abybody else, but I care about him/her just the way they are" . I think this is a mature way to look at love. It is healthy to have your bottom line (no alcoholics, no abusers, no one I can't have an intelligent conversation with, no prudes, etc.), but the small stuff (superficial qualities like hair color and height, for example) is not worth discounting someone for.
paddington bear Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 What I've found to help is focus on work and hobbies. It's a good way to take your mind off of it, to feel like you are doing something important or contributing to society somehow. I haven't been on a real date in a loooooooooooong time gosh, but I've learned a lot of things about subjects that I was always interested in, so in a way its not that bad. Yeah well it does make you a more well-rounded person and sparkling conversationalist. The weird thing with me is that I have no problems with making new friends. In fact, I nearly have too many to keep up with. But when it comes to members of the opposite sex, that's when the problems start. I think though it's important to draw the distinction between 'settling' and being open to someone who maybe isn't your total fantasy ideal. One of my no-no's was baldness, and white eyelashes and coming from a particular part of the world. And guess what? I totally fell for a guy with all three attributes. Did I settle? No. I just realised that I'd been still stuck with a teenage style list of attributes in my head. The relationship ended badly, but he taught me that what I think is my ideal, may not in fact be my ideal and to give guys a chance to prove me wrong.
Author tigressA Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 The point though is that what once was love can turn to settling, and what once was settling can turn to love. This is a big part of it. I have a friend who ended a nearly 6-year relationship (from 10th grade through college) a couple of months ago, and so many people said, "FINALLY!" Even she did too, because her ex was going nowhere fast--he wasn't motivated to do anything; he never wanted to go out, etc. She was crazy about him for awhile, but she ended up outgrowing him and wasn't getting what she needed or wanted out of the relationship anymore.
butcher's hook Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I would tend to agree. The point though is that what once was love can turn to settling, and what once was settling can turn to love. People in affairs tend to rewrite their own emotional history... so what was love in the beginning becomes settling in their minds. We choose to love our spouse. We must make that choice every single day, even when it is hard. Too many people simply choose not to love their spouse when times become tough or when they fail to meet certain criteria. This is when affairs can happen. That is SO true. I agree with that. Do you think that if people at least have a strong bond in the beginning including a physical one that there is less of a chance you will slip into complacency once the honeymoon is over? I used to think that no it all seems the same really...I look at all these long time married couples and no matter how in love they were at the beginning they all seem to fall into a complacent existence. It's all meaningless almost....but in terms of raising a family I think it is better to base your choice on less superficial things because ultimately we all fall complacent no matter how much passion is there at the beginning but not everyone will make a good partner, father and mother. Then again...this happens in love relationships all the time. You fall madly in love and then life happens, maybe the loved-upness fades a bit and you find that you have indeed settled somewhere along the line, and though you were in love once, now you're with someone who maybe you thought was 'the one' and was for a while, and is now merely 'good enough for now'. So should you settle in that case too? Being deeply in love and caring for the other person sure helps when it comes to LTR's, marriage, kids, life's ups and downs, however, I'm not sure it's the ultimate key either to having a long and successful relationship, because people change over time and that love can fade. It's what you do after those chemical love feelings dwindle that's important methinks. I totally agree with what you are saying. Sometimes it feels like it is all bullsht no matter how you look at it. Pick someone you can stand around you and who you can have a good life balance of fun and responsibility ultimately we all become "best friends" long term dont we? But if you pick someone who you know in your heart just doesn't do it for you and never did stimulate you how can you sustain anything healthy long term? Eventually you will want out of that. To me those are truly people who settle.
tkgirl Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 It is a conundrum. I never did the being with someone just not to be alone thing, however, that has meant long (and I mean loooong) droughts of me time, being alone, no sex, no companionship, no love, in between meeting those men I truly felt a connection with. I'm wondering how many years it will take for the next one to come along? It's a horrible thought. I'm the same way too.. I would much rather be alone than be with the wrong person... to me that is the definition of "settling". It has nothing to do with their looks or personality or whatever... but how we both feel when we are together. Like the guy I'm "friends" with now (another post!) I'm realizing I still have feelings for him, but am not sure what he's thinking... and there's no way I would want to end up with him because he "settled"! So here I am, still single and wondering where that guys is that I am supposed to be with... but I try not to dwell on it too much. When I find myself getting bummed about it, I think of a line in "Dancing Queen" by Abba that goes "...anybody could be that guy". Sounds silly I know but you really just never know when and where you are going to meet him.. and I have to believe he's out there somewhere!
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 This is a big part of it. I have a friend who ended a nearly 6-year relationship (from 10th grade through college) a couple of months ago, and so many people said, "FINALLY!" Even she did too, because her ex was going nowhere fast--he wasn't motivated to do anything; he never wanted to go out, etc. She was crazy about him for awhile, but she ended up outgrowing him and wasn't getting what she needed or wanted out of the relationship anymore. Umm... I have mixed feelings on situations like that. I had someone feel like they had outgrown me. I didn't look motivated, or like I was going anywhere in life. 2 years after we split I found something I really liked to do. That's all it took for me to be successful. That is SO true. I agree with that. Do you think that if people at least have a strong bond in the beginning including a physical one that there is less of a chance you will slip into complacency once the honeymoon is over? I used to think that no it all seems the same really...I look at all these long time married couples and no matter how in love they were at the beginning they all seem to fall into a complacent existence. It's all meaningless almost....but in terms of raising a family I think it is better to base your choice on less superficial things because ultimately we all fall complacent no matter how much passion is there at the beginning but not everyone will make a good partner, father and mother. I believe that the more compatible two people are... the easier it is for them to choose to love one another. In terms of bonds... that is something you create together... with shared, thoughts, emotions, and experiences. It takes work to create that bond, and work to maintain it. Complacency typically occurs when each person focuses more on themselves than on each other. If you spend more time worrying about your spouse than yourself, and you receive the same in return complacency typically isn't an issue, even in tough times. I know that it's comforting to think that love is something fated that is beyond our control.... that way when someone loves us it feels more secure... like they have no choice. However, it's a false security and in my opinion it causes the vast majority of relationship failures. Some hold on too long to something that is bad for them, because they bought the "soulmates" myth. Some end a good relationship once it begins to require effort, because they believe if it isn't easy... then it isn't fate.
paddington bear Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Umm... I have mixed feelings on situations like that. I believe that the more compatible two people are... the easier it is for them to choose to love one another. In terms of bonds... that is something you create together... with shared, thoughts, emotions, and experiences. It takes work to create that bond, and work to maintain it. Complacency typically occurs when each person focuses more on themselves than on each other. If you spend more time worrying about your spouse than yourself, and you receive the same in return complacency typically isn't an issue, even in tough times. I know that it's comforting to think that love is something fated that is beyond our control.... that way when someone loves us it feels more secure... like they have no choice. However, it's a false security and in my opinion it causes the vast majority of relationship failures. Some hold on too long to something that is bad for them, because they bought the "soulmates" myth. Some end a good relationship once it begins to require effort, because they believe if it isn't easy... then it isn't fate. I agree totally with this. I think yes, we should all get the best from our relationships, but also not simply ditch it as soon as the going gets tough. I do think though that you can't control who you fall in love with. You can prevent yourself from falling for the wrong person, by heeding any red flags at the beginning. But if you ignore them, it's very very easy to fall for them, and then you do have no choice, wild emotions are at play which you don't have a lot of control over, until you come out the other end and see the person for who they really are, now that you're no longer wearing your rose-tinted love glasses.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I do think though that you can't control who you fall in love with. Emotions are like muscles... the ones you exercise are the ones that grow stronger. If you really sit down and think about it... you have a remarkable amount of control over who you love. The belief that love is different from the other emotions we feel... anger, sadness, joy... ect... does not make sense to me. I can choose what situation to sit on my anger and when to unleash it, I can choose to think positive when I am sad, and I can choose to temper my joy with thoughts of sad things. Isn't that how it works for most people?
butcher's hook Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 The belief that love is different from the other emotions we feel... anger, sadness, joy... ect... does not make sense to me. I can choose what situation to sit on my anger and when to unleash it, I can choose to think positive when I am sad, and I can choose to temper my joy with thoughts of sad things. I don't know about that.... Have you ever had someone say to you "that shouldn't make you laugh it's not funny" yet you cannot explain why it's funny to you and not to them? Or something should not make you angry or should not "affect" you? everyone feels things differently to some extent. Sure you can control what you do out of those emotions but we all have different triggers. I tend to find love much of the same, so how do we choose to fall in love? If it were that simple I think we would not last two days being single we would just choose to fall for everyone we like. We all know it's just not that simple. How come we don't fall in love with our friends? How come our friends have all the typical qualities we go for and we find appealing yet we don't fall in love with them?
Thaddeus Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I tend to find love much of the same, so how do we choose to fall in love? If it were that simple I think we would not last two days being single we would just choose to fall for everyone we like. We all know it's just not that simple. How come we don't fall in love with our friends? How come our friends have all the typical qualities we go for and we find appealing yet we don't fall in love with them? Well put. It reminds me of a quote that a friend of mine sent me a long time ago. Sorry, I don't know the name of the author: At the centre of himself, a man cannot choose whom to love. He can choose how to live and can honour the truth of himself where he may. But he cannot choose whom to love, anymore than he can choose how tall he is or how good. One can take up platform shoes or fine deeds, but the heart will always have the last word, and when the word is love we can recognise, we can respond, we can submit and we can try to ignore, but we can never choose. Love is not a matter of choice but an obdurate fact of surrender.
Recommended Posts