joseffrost Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Hi there, You can get the back story from my previous posts, but here's the gist of it: -My ex finished things about a month ago -she had just suffered a very unfair incident which ended up dropping her final mark in her degree. -due to circumstances, I wasn't there for her on this particular occasion when she needed support (I have always been there for her before) -I am also studying the same subject, and though I always tried to encourage her to do well, she took this as me not respecting her desire to do something else after her degree -i did the usual begging and pleading at first, followed by a text telling her how much I missed her a few weeks later -I have since decided to give her space and go NC. it's been about a week now, and 2 weeks since the last 'negative' contact -she is graduating in a week, and the last time we spoke, she said that she wasn't looking forward to it. I already assume that I am no longer invited, and I have accepted this. The question is, do I send her a card to congratulate her on her graduation? I don't want to seem like I'm just hanging on to contacting her, but at the same time we were together for most of her degree and I feel awful not acknowledging her on this day. Your opinions are greatly appreciated!
thebigrabbit14 Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Most ppl would say to never talk to her again. I cant find your old posts so idk but you could send her a card and she if she sends u a text or a phone call.
Ronni_W Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 If you don't mind me rephrasing your question: You want to "help" her "celebrate" an occasion that she's already told you she's not too keen to celebrate and over which there seems to be some, or a lot of, trauma for her??? If that's more or less the case, something along the lines of "I'm so glad for you that you overcame all of that...you surely are a survivor and I admire you very much for that!" might be well-received.
BCCA Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Dissapointment. Thats what sending a card or doing anything is going to bring you. Even if she says, 'hey thanks', what does that do for you and the way you feel? Not much. I can promise you shes not going to get the card and think any differently about you. Im sure she'll appreciate it, but you wont be able to control your expectations, and if you get no response at all, youre going to feel like crap - trust me. And thats a very possible outcome. I don't want to seem like I'm just hanging on to contacting her I've learned the hard way, but any and all forms of contact you use to reach her are only going to seem like youre using an excuse to contact her. It doesnt matter why or when you make contact, just the act of doing it is enough to give her the idea you're still interested in reconciling. I say dont send anything. Be happy for her, sure, but you dont have to send her a card to let her know youre proud she graduated. She should know that, and honestly, your opinions about her life dont matter a whole lot anymore. Just let it go, youll be glad you did one day.
boogieboy Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Dont bother. You know you just want to contact her, and she will know you are just hanging on. Leave her be. She will contact you when she wants to talk.
Author joseffrost Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 I know, and I do understand the reasoning behind NC and leaving things as they are, but is it not just polite to send a card? After all, there was no real animosity in the break up, and I know that when I get my results the next day she will be in touch to ask how I did.
adamt Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I wouldnt bother sending a card. My ex was dealing with a loss of a parent at the time of our break up, i sent her a birthday card a week after we broke up. I got no response. it will mean nothing in the bigger picture of tryign to get your ex back. you run the risk of being disappointed/hurt when you are waiting for a positive response(thats if you get a response) the ex decided to remove you from their life so follow their wishes and keep some self respect
Author joseffrost Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 Perhaps you're right. It makes me feel pretty sh*tty because I'm not the kind of guy to forget any occasion, and I'd always use any excuse to get her a little present or something like that. Then again, I suppose she has chosen to give that up, not me.
adamt Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 You are not in a relationship anymore, they chose to end it. They will not get mad if you don't send them anything. They probably not that bothered.
NopeNah Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Then again, I suppose she has chosen to give that up, not me. **ding,ding** Mate, she gave up on the prize that is you..do not reward her for that! There's plenty out there that deserve a guy such as you! This one bailed! So, let her have her thing by herself!
wontgohomewou Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Simple Answer - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What's the point? She's not going to take you back...
Ronni_W Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 but is it not just polite to send a card? No, it's not "polite"...or impolite. But, if you will be sending a card JUST or MOSTLY to be (seen as) "polite" then that is you wanting to influence/control her image of you. I would suggest sending a card only if your only or main goal is simply to enhance HER experience of graduating. You also could maybe want to take a closer look at whether you do other things in life, just or mostly to be seen by others as "nice" or "polite" or whatever.
Author joseffrost Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 You also could maybe want to take a closer look at whether you do other things in life, just or mostly to be seen by others as "nice" or "polite" or whatever. Sage advice Ronni, but I'm not here for advice on how I conduct my life, merely on the sending of a card to an ex. Thanks.
Ronni_W Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 They are related, josef...how we do life is how we do our relationships. Any case, I addressed the card first and offered the second as a "could maybe", not as an imperative or instruction. Sending the card: If you are clear on your goals, then do send it *IF* it feels right for you. The caution from others to not place any expectations around the card is also valid, IMO.
adamt Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I had just broken up and was in a world of hurt. I got a card but struggled not to break down when looking for a birthday card without any hint of romantic intent on it. I wanted to send it for piece of mind over what she went through, At that time i couldnt be hurt anymore. However a month or two after the break up i wouldnt send it because it might set you back and it wont bring the ex back.
Author joseffrost Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 Sorry Ronni, you are right, just a bit tetchy... as I'm sure you can imagine! I made the fatal mistake of checking her facebook today, and that set me back a bit. I think I've decided against the card. If it was her birthday it may be another matter, but given the circumstances it isn't a major event and she won't think any more of me for sending her anything.
adamt Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 take her off your facebook, i'm sure she will understand. took my ex off 2 weeks ago and makes a big difference
carhill Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Reading your backstory, smart of you to not send a card and I'll echo the excision of her from your life. Completely immature she is, but that is to be expected for 21. Date older women (women your age or older) for a more serious relationship
Ronni_W Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Hugs, josef. Yes, I do know how it can be, sometimes -- wishing you better times ahead. Hang in there.
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