Rediculous jealousy after reconciling

[Spark1111]

BS reconciling with the WS, how do you cope with the jealousy?

 

We are almost two years since DDAy. The first year was sooo painful and I remained unsure as to whether I would stay or not. Did I love him? YES! But I did not think I could ever trust him, or want to again!

 

I have settled down this year, but a residual side effect is what our counselor calls projection: Often, a WS, as they begin to experience true remorse, realizes how oh so easy it was to lie and deceive a trusting spouse.

 

My WS is now insanely jealous! He calls constantly, texts, asks who I am emailing, who am I talking to. I am completely transparent, talking of all the men I interact with at work. I now get the third degree, or he assumes all of them want to f#@ me!

 

It is bizarre. No matter how many times I have reassured him that I would NEVER do to him what he did to me, it doesn't matter.

 

Anyone else deal with this? How did you handle it?

 

While I am patient and reassuring most of the time, I am beginning to resent this. I mean, once again, it is about their feelings. This is harder than I thought it would be.

[Reggie]

He needs therapy. Many disordered people(cheaters are represented among the disordered disproportionately) do this projection thing and it can drive you nuts. They are so messed up that they think everyone else is like them and assign their lack of morals to others.

You need to just tell him , as you are doing, to stop this crap.

[Chrome Barracuda]

He is insecure and projecting! But that's all his neuroses.

 

His mind is playing tricks on him and that's the guilt talking and manifesting.

[stuckinoz]

They are so messed up that they think everyone else is like them and assign their lack of morals to others.

.

 

This is all SO true.

It's hard to veiw people in a different lite than you see yourself, especially after an affair. While I'm still one that believes "Most everyone HAS cheated in one form or another by the time they reach their mid to late 40's"....Most - isn't ALL.

As you have told him that 'you won't do to him what he did to you'...Find a way to make him believe it's true what you say. (remember he lied for a long time to you - in his mind you're just as capable)

[Spark1111]

Oh, I have no doubt of his BPD bordering on a borderline personality. Prior to the affair he lost his mother, father and suffered physical problems that cost the loss of one job after another.

 

WAY BEFORE his affair, he sort of stopped.....seeing me? Distancing himself from me?

 

I mean we frequent an establishment where I have befriended a patron, and he and I have been discussing books we've read for years, while my husband sat there! Recently, out of the blue, my husband confronted this man sooooo jealous of the attention he paid me. (He has since apologized to the man.)

 

I was mortified, but it did lead to a discussion on how he had "checked out" of the relationship first. How did it never register that we spoke of books, right in front of him? Did he not care? Did he not see? Did he not remember?

 

It is mind-boggling how a WS soooo absents themselves from the relationship prior to the affair. To be jealous of half the things he is jealous of is ludicrous.

 

It's as if he awoke from a fog, one which started way before the affair, to actually realize how charming and attractive others find me. Sheesh!

 

That, for me, remains the scariest part of going forward. If he could talk himself out of loving one time, will it happen again?

[Owl]

Two thoughts for you, Spark.

 

First, he IS insecure, as others have pointed out. He knows that he made HUGE, HUGE withdrawls from your love bank. He knows that the damage he's done is still there. He realizes that with all that he's done, it's possible that you could give up and walk out anytime.

 

Second...he's not asking for anything more than you've asked from him, right? Why not just give him the information he's looking for, as a means of building his reassurance and confidance level back up?

 

What can it hurt? Why would it bother you...it's really nothing more than demonstrating to your spouse that you're keeping good boundaries in place, yes?

 

Just my thoughts.

[Snowflower]

Two thoughts for you, Spark.

 

First, he IS insecure, as others have pointed out. He knows that he made HUGE, HUGE withdrawls from your love bank. He knows that the damage he's done is still there. He realizes that with all that he's done, it's possible that you could give up and walk out anytime.

 

Second...he's not asking for anything more than you've asked from him, right? Why not just give him the information he's looking for, as a means of building his reassurance and confidance level back up?

 

What can it hurt? Why would it bother you...it's really nothing more than demonstrating to your spouse that you're keeping good boundaries in place, yes?

 

Just my thoughts.

 

Good advice here!

 

Spark, I know your husband has done you a grievous wrong. You probably felt insecure, too. I don't know enough of your story but did you feel something was off before d-day? Felt a little insecure in your marriage? Probably most certainly you felt like this afterward. Your husband most likely made you feel extremely insecure. Now your husband is finding out that paybacks can be a b**ch.

 

My FWH is also insecure at times...if I take too long to call him back because I'm busy at work. If I mention a male co-worker's name several times as I talk about my day, etc. He also worries a lot that I will just give up and walk away from the marriage. I do feel that some of the insecurity a FWS feels is part of the consequences of their affair. Too bad, too sad. Again, paybacks...

 

However, in my case, I do try to reassure my husband. It seems cruel to make anyone worry unnecessarily. Yes, he made me worry about the future of our marriage last year. But I don't like to be vindictive so I do my best to not return the 'favor' to him.

 

That said, I do feel a bit smug (privately) when I see that he is stressing out a little bit because of his insecurity. I also feel reassured that he does want to be in our marriage.

[Spark1111]

Really, good advice all. I have been reassuring and yes, I do feel joy that he is so fully engaged in the relationship after all this time.

 

I do understand the jealousy and the projection to an extent, but it is as if I am living in a box after all these years of having such an independent life filled with work, raising children, volunteerism, outside activities.

 

My husband always worked long hours and I supported him since he was the primary provider up until a few years ago when my pay became more equitable to his. But I needed more in my life and I filled it with many people and activities outside the marriage.

 

Now he is at my side constantly and needs reassurance. In an effort to work on our marriage, we did spend much more time together. I wanted to isolate myself and heal and talk, talk, talk.

 

But now, sometimes, I feel like I am suffocating. After all these years he has switched gears and rushes home to be with me. If I wanted to see a girlfriend or take a class, he seems saddened by it.

 

Does this stage end?

[Dexter Morgan]

BS reconciling with the WS, how do you cope with the jealousy?

 

We are almost two years since DDAy. The first year was sooo painful and I remained unsure as to whether I would stay or not. Did I love him? YES! But I did not think I could ever trust him, or want to again!

 

I have settled down this year, but a residual side effect is what our counselor calls projection: Often, a WS, as they begin to experience true remorse, realizes how oh so easy it was to lie and deceive a trusting spouse.

 

My WS is now insanely jealous! He calls constantly, texts, asks who I am emailing, who am I talking to. I am completely transparent, talking of all the men I interact with at work. I now get the third degree, or he assumes all of them want to f#@ me!

 

good...he needs to feel what it is like and what kind of pain you went through. Him thinking that other men want you and that you might just possibly want other men is fitting payback for him....and the best part....you don't even have to lower yourself to his cheater's level for him to experience it.

 

I'd tell him that even though you are an open book because you never had anything to hide from the start...that he has no business whatsoever of demanding anything of you.

 

What is funny to me is that he doesn't feel like a dumbass for being suspicious of you when HE is the cheater in the relationship. he ought to be damn embarrassed.

 

 

It is bizarre. No matter how many times I have reassured him that I would NEVER do to him what he did to me, it doesn't matter.

 

Anyone else deal with this? How did you handle it?

 

you know...the very fact he is trying to catch you at something makes me wonder if he is still cheating, or wants to, and is looking for justification.

 

 

 

While I am patient and reassuring most of the time, I am beginning to resent this.

 

as well you should. you are not the cheater here....HE is.

 

 

I mean, once again, it is about their feelings.

 

exactly! you got yourself one selfish cheating butthole on your hands.

 

you know...maybe you ought to think about being with other men....not cheating of course, but freeing yourself and enjoying life. There are many men out there that will treat you right.

[Owl]

Spark, what you're saying would raise some big red flags for me if I were your H.

 

And I KNOW that you're not doing anything to warrent that.

 

But here's the thing. You're espousing a desire for "indedependent behavior". You're "suffocated" by your H's desire to know what's going on in your life, by his need for reassurance after the devestation your marriage went through.

 

I'd tell you that you need to consider what it would take to grow CLOSER to your H, rather than set boundaries that prevent him from being a greater part of your life.

 

Independent behavior is a huge contributing factor to marriages that don't last. Don't take me wrong...I'm not saying that the two of you have to be joined at the hip. I AM saying that what you're describing doesn't seem excessive, or even unwarrented.

 

Why do you want more time away from him, rather than more time with him?

 

While I'm not blaming you for the affair, have you considered that this independent behaviors that both of you have had in the past were a contributing factor to his affair to begin with? That they could lead to affairs in the future...on either side?

 

The more you grow apart, the more likely both of you are to have needs fulfilled OUTSIDE the marriage.

 

Not attacking you here, my friend. I just wanted to point out to you how this all sounds/looks from the outside.

[Spark1111]

Owl, I only ever wanted to be closer to my husband. It was HE that needed to strive and work long hours at high pressure jobs because HE needed external validation that he was a worthy and successful man. So we had lots of toys and I had lots of lonliness.

 

Being a devoted wife, I supported him in what ever high-paying, high-pressure job or venture he chose next while at the same time starting to create a life filled with friends, activities, etc. because I WAS lonely, but he wouldn't budge on that. I immersed myself in raising my children and will admit I was a wonderful mother, but I was beginning to lose myself in the process like so many women.

 

When I expressed the need of less money and more us, like many men who wear the facade of the successful overacheiver and truly do not feel that way inside, he looked at me as if I were a two-headed martian. Patterns developed that were ultimately not healthy for the marriage, I so agree.

 

I begged him to go to counseling before he met the OW, but he refused. Typical for that type A man who prefers to pick himself up by the boot straps and plow through a depression.

 

But today, we have a complete 180 degree turnaround and while it is necessary to take tons of time to heal, it has grown to be a bit much. I mean we both have to meet each other's needs, yes, but I can't spend every waking non-working minute with him, can I?

 

I mean no one person can fulfill ALL your needs, and expecting them to seems like just additional pressure.

 

I mean, when does life return to normal, normal but with a better, happier version of us in it?

[Spark1111]

Dexter, I did turn to him and say "Look, no matter what I say or how often I say it, you remain jealous and insecure. Maybe this is your karma to feel this way, I don't know."

 

He has the passwords to all my accounts , cell phone to and is free to read anything I write or blog here, to anyone at anytime.

 

And yes, my thoughts do occasionally flit to the fear of another affair with this type of behavior. I can only remember the classic Shakespeare line, "Methinks he doth protest too much."

[Owl]

Owl, I only ever wanted to be closer to my husband. It was HE that needed to strive and work long hours at high pressure jobs because HE needed external validation that he was a worthy and successful man. So we had lots of toys and I had lots of lonliness.

 

Being a devoted wife, I supported him in what ever high-paying, high-pressure job or venture he chose next while at the same time starting to create a life filled with friends, activities, etc. because I WAS lonely, but he wouldn't budge on that. I immersed myself in raising my children and will admit I was a wonderful mother, but I was beginning to lose myself in the process like so many women.

 

When I expressed the need of less money and more us, like many men who wear the facade of the successful overacheiver and truly do not feel that way inside, he looked at me as if I were a two-headed martian. Patterns developed that were ultimately not healthy for the marriage, I so agree.

 

I begged him to go to counseling before he met the OW, but he refused. Typical for that type A man who prefers to pick himself up by the boot straps and plow through a depression.

 

But today, we have a complete 180 degree turnaround and while it is necessary to take tons of time to heal, it has grown to be a bit much. I mean we both have to meet each other's needs, yes, but I can't spend every waking non-working minute with him, can I?

 

I mean no one person can fulfill ALL your needs, and expecting them to seems like just additional pressure.

 

I mean, when does life return to normal, normal but with a better, happier version of us in it?

 

Is he truly expecting you to spend every waking moment with you? If so, I'd agree, that's excessive. However, as I've already pointed out, it's also a sign of a lack of confidence on his part...he's worried he is going to lose you.

 

Have you done/are you still doing marriage counseling?

 

It sounds to me like the two of you are still working through issues here.

 

Maybe I'm missing what you're talking about here. Specifically...very specifically...what is it that he's doing that is driving you crazy?

 

I'm just not getting what it is exactly that you're considering as "over the top" here?

 

I would tell you that today, my wife spend every evening after I get home together except 1/week, where I go skating with my sons. We also spend the entire weekend together, and I typically work from home one day/week as well.

 

And she loves it, as do I.

 

What, specifically, are you wanting different here? Him to be comfortable with you doing (how much, what?) without him? Him to stop asking you about what's going on in your workday?

 

I'm not sure what you want to get "better"...most women want/crave that much interaction with their spouses.

 

I'm curious...are you sure that there's no lingering 'resentment' at him for what he did?

 

What needs are you wanting to have met by other people rather than your H, and why do you want them met by others rather than him?

[Athena]

It is bizarre. No matter how many times I have reassured him that I would NEVER do to him what he did to me, it doesn't matter.

 

Anyone else deal with this? How did you handle it?

 

you know...the very fact he is trying to catch you at something makes me wonder if he is still cheating, or wants to, and is looking for justification.

 

Dexter, I did turn to him and say "Look, no matter what I say or how often I say it, you remain jealous and insecure. Maybe this is your karma to feel this way, I don't know."

 

He has the passwords to all my accounts , cell phone to and is free to read anything I write or blog here, to anyone at anytime.

 

And yes, my thoughts do occasionally flit to the fear of another affair with this type of behavior. I can only remember the classic Shakespeare line, "Methinks he doth protest too much."

 

Your H's behavior regarding the possibility you might be having an affair is a Red Flag for me... in my H's case, after he was caught by me having been involved in an A, and having forgiven him, all was well until some time later when he began displaying similar behavior as your H! It was only three years later, and three OW later, that I found out he had been having affairs during the time period he was 'worried' and 'accusing' me of putting myself in danger of having an A myself... call it blameshifting, or whatever, I would be wary if I were you...

 

WHY else would he be so concerned? It's not like you ever cheated on him, or on anyone else ever, right? It would be so out of character for you to do this, so why would he be concerned... it's like he just out of the blue got all hyper concerned about you robbing a bank, just because your finances were tight, and you guys owned a gun at home...

[Dexter Morgan]

"Methinks he doth protest too much."

 

methinks he's a moron. no offense to you

[norajane]

I AM saying that what you're describing doesn't seem excessive, or even unwarrented.

 

I don't agree, Owl. This sounds excessive and smothering to me, especially since he is the one who cheated.

He calls constantly, texts, asks who I am emailing, who am I talking to. I am completely transparent, talking of all the men I interact with at work. I now get the third degree, or he assumes all of them want to f#@ me!

 

That doesn't sound like she's too independent. It sounds like he wants to put an ankle monitor and GPS on her, as well as keyboard logger and bugging her phone.

[Owl]

I don't agree, Owl. This sounds excessive and smothering to me, especially since he is the one who cheated.

 

That doesn't sound like she's too independent. It sounds like he wants to put an ankle monitor and GPS on her, as well as keyboard logger and bugging her phone.

 

Nothing wrong with disagreeing, my friend.

 

Like I said...it sounds to me like she's been used to an independent life from him for quite some time. He knows that he strayed...probably in no small part to HIS independent behaviors. He's insecure, because he knows the risks of "doing your own thing", coupled with the fact that he emotionally devestated her. He knows that he's created a bad situation in which she may well "give up on him" at any point and walk away.

 

I'm not "feeling sorry" for him, nor am I saying this is all Spark's fault either.

 

What they need to do is to sit down and talk through this. Discuss what's comfortable/uncomfortable for both of them, and reach an agreemant they both can like.

[silktricks]

My WS is now insanely jealous! He calls constantly, texts, asks who I am emailing, who am I talking to. I am completely transparent, talking of all the men I interact with at work. I now get the third degree, or he assumes all of them want to f#@ me!

 

This is what my H did while he was in the throes of his affair!! It then died down a little post D-Day and then recurred about a year later...

 

Now, he's pretty much back to normal. He's always been jealous (as have I), but for awhile there it was just plain weird!! I've continued to be transparent (as he has), but sometimes even now he'll get a little nervous. I work primarily with men, so it's always been difficult for him, but I continue to talk openly about the different goings on at work. (I will admit that it's much easier on both of us when I'm really angry about something that's happened than it is when someone's done something nice for me.. ).

 

Anyway, my suggestion is just to continue to be open. Talk to him, though about how you are feeling. He needs to keep in mind that he isn't your monitor (nor are you his ), and that you don't want to have to continually prove to him that you are trustworthy, as you've never given him any reason to believe otherwise!

[SidLyon]

Hmm... when I read the title of this post I assumed wrongly that it was going to be Spark that was feeling the unusual level of jealousy... obviously I was completely mistaken.

 

We are 8 or 9 months out of d-day and for the first few weeks I was completely paranoid about what my H was up to. This has lessened considerably but I still have it more than before - I'm trying to keep it in check and my H is still being transparent. I have not been concerned that my H is obviously more jealous or enquiring about my activities in an inappropriate way.

 

However I do see that he has in fact been asking more about me, and has been arranging to have lunch with me whenever possible (the vast majority of his A was conducted during lunch times). I have assumed that this is part of his undertaking to be open and transparent with me and to reassure (atone to?) me as much as possible rather than an attempt to make sure of where I am and who I'm with .

 

I remember saying to him several times after d-day that as a result of his A, I would be more vulnerable to having an A now - this was not meant as a threat but more a sad reflection that things had changed for the worse for me in that I might be more likely to breach previously strong boundaries.

 

Before d-day I was very independent and was the one out and about all the time. Since d-day I have retreated into myself a lot and try not to go away from the family and my H too much because mostly I just haven't felt like it. In the last 2 months I have started to return to some of my old activities and as always, I invite my H too - he is far more likely to come along now than he ever was before.

 

Having read Spark's post about her H I will now be wondering if the reasons behind my H's willingness to ask about my activities and come along with me sometimes is more about checking up on me rather than reassuring me.

 

Cheers

S

[Spark1111]

Silk, I never had a jealous bone in my body until after DDAy! That is how much I loved and blindly trusted this man. I really did make it oh, so easy for him to have his affair! After DDAY, I was crazy if he even talked too long to another woman because my emotions were so out of control.

 

One lesson learned though, is that his boundaries were weak to nonexistant with members of the opposite sex, and maybe I was just seeing that for the first time? Charming, flirtatious and at ease, aspects I once admired about his personality, were now rife with ulterior motives in my brain-warped, post discovery state.

 

Sid, I could have written your post! Yes, he met me for lunch, planned date nights, trips away, etc. within the first year of DDay. I, too, told him how vulnerable I felt to engage in my own affair, also not out of revenge, but because I felt so vulnerable and emotionally needy. It made me understand his motivations somewhat for having the affair and I told him that.But I always prefaced it with "I would never do to you what you did to me. I would disclose, separate, and continue counseling. I would always be honest with you."

 

Was I too honest? Is that possible in a long-term relationship where secrets are not to be kept from each other? Maybe.

 

I also told him that there is a recurring fantasy that occurs on my really bad days of just a nice guy, who treats me really well, and never cheats on me. He gets it, but maybe a little too well. As I have calmed down, his jealousy has returned full throttle. Maybe it is just another dynamic in the reconciliation process.

 

It sure ain't easy, is it.

[silktricks]

Silk, I never had a jealous bone in my body until after DDAy! That is how much I loved and blindly trusted this man. I really did make it oh, so easy for him to have his affair! After DDAY, I was crazy if he even talked too long to another woman because my emotions were so out of control.

 

One lesson learned though, is that his boundaries were weak to nonexistant with members of the opposite sex, and maybe I was just seeing that for the first time? Charming, flirtatious and at ease, aspects I once admired about his personality, were now rife with ulterior motives in my brain-warped, post discovery state.

 

{snip}

 

It sure ain't easy, is it.

 

I, too, made it easy, though unlike you I've never had blind trust - possibly due to my first marriage - though I honestly cannot recall ever blindly trusting anyone other than my father - but he deserved the trust . I did trust my husband more than I had ever trusted anyone else, though. What he cried most about after the affair was that loss of my trust. He has regained it to a large degree, though. My biggest concern post D-Day was that I wouldn't be able to recover the trust. I knew that if I couldn't regain at least most of it, that we wouldn't be able to stay together. Fortunately, he was willing to put in the work required - and it was a LOT of work..

 

But back to the jealousy thing... is it going to drive you round the bend? He may never truly be able to blindly trust you again either. I know that sounds crazy, but the thing is that the fact that he could have an affair probably shocked the sh*t out of him, too. So now he knows that someone he thought was trustworthy (himself) proved to not be trustworthy. Since we always trust ourselves more than we trust others.... that means that you also could cheat on him (in his mind). Those thoughts may be way back in his reptilian brain, but I'll bet they are there..

 

I've had conversations with my husband.. (lots of them ) and he always says that he's sure he'll never do it again, but he's not so sure about me :D... I obviously think he's full of it, but I also know that anytime anyone feels too confident in themselves is when they are most able to trip, so I always do keep up certain guards.. never go to lunch with just men (even though I work with just men) and never ever with one man alone, don't do the after work drinking meetings (though this has caused me some problems at work), don't talk about private stuff, etc.

[NoIDidn't]

Spark, how would you rate your reconciliation/recovery?

 

It sounds like its been difficult for you, at best.

 

While, I can understand what Owl recommends, I would scoff at it too. I didn't do anything wrong, so I am not going to be put on a short leash just because he is. But two years out? That's a bit odd to me. The short leash thing usually starts to loosen up at that point, not tighten.

 

I'm sorry you are experiencing these difficulties. Seems like something else is going on here than just insecurities (and, no, I'm NOT talking about another affair!). Sounds like ABANDONMENT issues. You mention him losing several loved ones before the A. It might help your M AND your H to look into abandonment help.

 

How were his relationships with those people before they passed?

[Mino]

Your H's behavior regarding the possibility you might be having an affair is a Red Flag for me... in my H's case, after he was caught by me having been involved in an A, and having forgiven him, all was well until some time later when he began displaying similar behavior as your H! It was only three years later, and three OW later, that I found out he had been having affairs during the time period he was 'worried' and 'accusing' me of putting myself in danger of having an A myself... call it blameshifting, or whatever, I would be wary if I were you...

 

WHY else would he be so concerned? It's not like you ever cheated on him, or on anyone else ever, right? It would be so out of character for you to do this, so why would he be concerned... it's like he just out of the blue got all hyper concerned about you robbing a bank, just because your finances were tight, and you guys owned a gun at home...

I agree with this. Its a redflag. He is throwing the spotlight on you..... is he hiding something in the meantime? Lets say you got robbed, and the theif is standing next to you when you find out, he shows empathy, he even helps you look for your stolen property, knowing he has it in his pocket. Its to throw you off... watch him closely, maybe he is still seeing the ow. They ususally do show up again, eventually... mine always did. Good Luck to you

[Spark1111]

Spark, how would you rate your reconciliation/recovery?

 

It sounds like its been difficult for you, at best.

 

While, I can understand what Owl recommends, I would scoff at it too. I didn't do anything wrong, so I am not going to be put on a short leash just because he is. But two years out? That's a bit odd to me. The short leash thing usually starts to loosen up at that point, not tighten.

 

I'm sorry you are experiencing these difficulties. Seems like something else is going on here than just insecurities (and, no, I'm NOT talking about another affair!). Sounds like ABANDONMENT issues. You mention him losing several loved ones before the A. It might help your M AND your H to look into abandonment help.

 

How were his relationships with those people before they passed?

 

Hey, NID, right on the money with this one! Difficult childhood for my spouse in an otherwise happy family. He had untreated ADHD, and back in the day these children were abused, for no other reason than ignorance of the condition and parental fear of raising an out of control child (translation, future criminal)

 

Lots of anger and then when they passed, huge guilt and grief over why it couldn't, wasn't a better relationship.

 

I personally believe his affair dynamic and our deteriorating marriage was unresolved childhood issues with his mother; she got the halo and I got demonized for never doing "enough" for him.

 

As I have calmed down, regained my former confidence and am finally living my life as I USE TO BE, pre-affair, his jealousy has grown . My returning strength is probably sparking his insecurities that I do not NEED to be in a relationship with him, but rather choose to. The rules have changed.

 

And yes Mino, the thought DOES cross my mind and I have made it very clear that any unreported contact is a deal breaker for me. However, now, he may be seeing I have the strength to make good on it. An insecure place for the WS to be, I'm guessing.

[Owl]

So what do you plan on DOING about that insecurity?

 

Ignore it?

 

Take measures to mitigate/dispell it?

 

Decide it's "his problem"?

 

It's up to you, whether or not you feel it's "worth it" or not.