I think it may actually work out

[br0kinhart]

So if you been following my maniacal posts then you already know my girlfriend left me after 2 1/2 years two months ago. We recently started to talk to each other on a normal basis over the past week. We spoke about possibly getting back together, a thought we mutually agree would be fantastic, however she feels we still need time apart and she isnt ready to get back into full swing of things just yet. "Give it another 4 months" That would mean we are separated for 6 months total and we should truly know what we want by then. I dont see myself feeling any different in 4 months from now, but I love her dearly and Im willing to stick it out and hope things work out. I think its worth it.

 

Now her birthday is next Tuesday and I asked her if I can take her out for her birthday this weekend. She agreed!! That made me happier then I've been in a while. So I made reservations at an excellent restaraunt that overlooks all of NYC and made the rsvr for 7:30pm so we can catch the sunset. Romantic? Corny? whatever I thought it was a good idea.

 

Otherwise, I been really working on myself (physically and mentally) since the breakup and just recently started to feel really good about myself again. Considering I've past the point of panicking over not having anyone, Im confident in the fact that I really love her and not just the "relationship status". Im just curious about how others feel in regards to this situation. When I ask my friends they tell me to cancell the date and forget about her! This is not possible I will never be able to FORGET about her we have too much history together, nevermind I love her dearly. When I asked her about what her friends think she said she only told one of them and her response was. "I think its perfectly normal and great you both still love eachother and then only thing that was really wrong in the relationship was the arguing, something that can be fixed" <---this friend became #1 in my book! ;-)

 

Look foward to hearing open to everyones opinion and or suggestions. Thanks LS!

[SRTtoZ]

If you guys get back together great...You never know what could happen. BUT you need to tell her that you are WILLING to give it another go in the future...but you cant promise that you will be there and ready to go again 4 months from now. Do not put your life on hold for her. And make sure you stress that to her. What if 4 months down the line shes still not ready, or not single anymore...

[joseffrost]

Well done man, I hope everything works out! I know a lot of nay-sayers on here would advise against taking her out and tell you to forget about her if she's saying "wait 4 months". But every situation is different, and if it works for you and the end result is what you want, then great!

[Ronni_W]

I been really working on myself (physically and mentally) since the breakup and just recently started to feel really good about myself again.

You hunka burnin' love!!!

 

Your dinner date sounds romantic. But if I could suggest, focus and expect all the romance to be happening from the inside...between the two of you (without getting oh-so nervous or serious about "making" it happen, of course -- just be your hunka burnin' love Self )

That is, let the restaurant/dinner and the sunset just be special bonuses. That way also, if the chef is having an off-day, or weather is crappy and there is no "romantic sunset" it won't matter a hoot to either of you.

 

To me, that's a good way of going about seeing what are the real chances of a long-term reconciliation -- take it slow between the two of you, and (both) keep working on your own stuff that will help you to be a more loving, supportive and encouraging partner.

 

Best of luck on your date

[br0kinhart]

Thanks Everyone!

 

I'm going to take it nice and slow. Hopefully, things will fall into place in time. I find myself getting really anxious, and overly excited about this and its hard not to over analyze everything that is said to me but I'm doing my best to play it "cool". If it takes a few more months then so be it. Like you said Ronnie, it will only be more time for us to work on ourselves.

 

I was extremely depressed and lost a lot of confidence in myself. I thought it was caused by the relationship but after the breakup I didn't feel the relief I thought I would and it became evident that I had a lot of things to sort out myself. People on LS helped me realize I needed to take a step back and look at myself and my future. Im glad I did, it enabled me to feel like I do today and I thank all of you! Hopefully this First date #2 will be fantastic!

 

I really appreciate everyone's support, it has helped me IMMENSELY over the past few months. Thanks! I'll keep you posted! Literally!

[br0kinhart]

So we spoke today and things got a little sticky. I get a text message from her saying the following..... "Im seriously confused and there is no way you can understand that. I never lost my feelings for you, but its hard to forget why we did break up. I know you are in a better frame of mind now. I just want to make sure that it will stay and that this is what you want too. Youre hanging out with all guys your own age and girls that are 8 years younger than me. That's a big difference at this stage in my life. Maybe you should be enjoying your youth a lil more before rushing into something that didtnt work out the first time around. I'll call you later"

 

Now Im 25 and she is 29, however, Im not an average 25 year old. All of my true friends are 5-8 years older then me. I work in the city in a very stable career, Im independent, live on by myself in a beautiful apartment, I take care of myself, and pretty much stay to myself. The main problem in our relationship was the fighting. It was mainly caused by my insecurities, her jealousy, and many life changing events occuring simultaenously in my life (change of job, living on my own, change of apartment) all at once! I definitely should have spoke with her in regards to this when we were together but I was unaware of myself and my actions. It took 2 months of being alone to realize this. Once I did, I immediately felt alot more secure as to how to make myself happy and overall a better man. The whole hanging out with young kids is b*!!sh*t she knows that I dont know any nor even have the want to play those games again. I did in the past way before her time, but those days are over. They are no longer appealing to me. I want to focus on my future and I want a healthy relationship in my future. I just feel this is an easy excuse for her to use "against me". I've had alot of alone time to think about what I truly want for me and now that I know what I want SHE DOESNT BELIEVE ME!! Im totally confused too now and Im second guessing going out with her on Sunday. I really want to but I dont know if its the right thing to do anymore..... Life is sooo complicated especially when your in love.

[HisLove]

Well her text sounds a little arrogant.

 

She KNOWS you're in a better frame of mind, but you couldn't possibly understand how confused she feels. Says who?

 

She does sound confused and appears to be the one to-ing and fro-ing and not knowing her own mind. Then to be presumptuous and be so certain about you....? Hmmm ok.

 

The comment about younger women seems like insecurity and fishing for information. 4 years age difference isn't some insurmountable chasm - she was in preschool when you were born. Wow.

 

I just thought your dinner sounded really sweet, and you've made inroads into figuring yourself out. Sounds like she hasn't done the same work on herself. It takes two people to fight and argue, it takes two people to screw something up.

[Ronni_W]

Could I offer something?

Do NOT let women get away with telling you what is going on in YOUR head; what you know and don't know, are and are not feeling, perceiving and thinking about. Be assertive ("manly") about speaking out for your own Self. We (women) may appear to get all 'upset' but we do also gain more respect for people (men) who demonstrate some self-awareness and courage to stand up for themselves.

 

Let her know that you are also confused, so you DO have some empathy for her own confusion even though you might not know her specifics. Also, it is fine to tell her that you are well aware of the differences between 30-year old men and women, and those a decade younger; that you don't like the feeling that she thinks you're an idiot; that you actually do have enough insights and sufficient power of observation to notice how life works.

 

Especially. Let her know SPECIFICALLY what you have been doing to permanently change those attitudes and behaviours of yours, that contributed to the ending of the relationship. (If I recall...there were anger management issues among other things, yes?) If you want to, you can continue to blame your life changes but honestly, from a female PoV, all we think when we hear that is, "Great...so I can expect more of the same crap from you with the NEXT change???"

 

Smart money would want to be able to assure, "Most definitely not!"

And that means taking concrete steps (so that she can see them) towards better self-management, positive communication skills, learning to listen better, etc; and also taking responsibility for your OLD stuff.

 

I know this is crap that most men would prefer not to have to think about or deal with. But, if you want to attract the woman of your dreams then...well, then you just gotta. (What you do after you have "caught" her...that's a different post .)

 

All of that said. Go with your gut about when to get together with her in a more intimate-romantic setting. If you're feeling a little anxious or 'maybe not ready' then just agree with her on that, and postpone it.

Bonus would be that you'll likely go across as actually thinking things through for yourself, having your own confusion and doubts, and...that you are not needy, desperate or gonna be a doormat.

 

Good luck. It's tough. Having patience may work better for you in the long run. Life definitely can get complicated!

 

Sending hugs, and "good gut instincts" so that you can make wisest possible decision for yourself.

[br0kinhart]

Hello Everyone! So here is the post-date-post of my Sunday adventures... I receive a "Good Morning" text message from her on Sunday morning. I call her back and we were talking about our adventures from the night before. She had a bbq with a couple of her friends and had alot of food left over so she recommended that instead of going out that I come over to her place. Now right from the start I wasnt sure if this was a good idea, but, she suggested it and I wanted to see her so I agreed. I call up the restaurant and cancel my reservations and indirectly save myself $300! So I arrive at her apartment and she greats me with a very passionate kiss. Things seem to be going in the right direction I thought to myself. Long story short I wind up cooking us up a steak and we had a nice dinner in her apartment. After dinner I cleaned up did all the dishes and sat down on the couch. Then we start fooling around, things get heated and we wind up having sex. We hang out a little bit more, in awe about what just happened and we blame it on 2.5 months of sexual frustration. I say my goodnight and I head back to my house. Today, I wake up get ready for work and gave her a call knowing shes on her way to her job. I told her that I really wished she slept next to me last night and explained how I miss the days that she used to fall asleep in my arms. She responds by saying, "I was going to suggest you stay the night, but I also don't want to rush anything." So it seems like things are slowly moving along between us in the better direction. Although I have a massive urge to call her all the time and text her and go right back into relationship mode. I think that feeling is natural and Im doing my best to play it "cool". Am I loosing my mind? Or investing way to much energy into this situation? She says I can call her whenever that she loves talking to me but I dont want to come off anxious or obsessive.