my current feelings!

[bitteorca]

Hi all,

 

Even though I was always an independent person, even when I was with my ex, why do I suddenly need her all of a sudden and feel empty and lost without her? Did I need her more than I thought? Or am I just going through typical break-up emotions?

 

Also, I cant ignore the feelings of rejection. Even though this may not be the case (my story is long, but basically she's done it for reasons I can totally understand, she still loves me). But that doesn't stop me from feeling rejected. When I have dumped her in the past, I would never feel like this. I know its wrong to think like that, but thats how it is. I still felt bad and like I wanted her back, but nothing like this. The shoe is on the other foot basically (I think thats the saying!).

 

I can't help thinking about what shes doing with this guy as well. She has told me that they both know it is going nowhere, but I can't help thinking that this guy is just replacing me so easily. They just sit at his, they dont have sex, and just like comfort each other, watch tv etc. Its like they've been going out for years. Dont go on dates or anything, there seems to be no real 'lust'. She's admitted to me its because thats what she used to do with me (3.5 year relationship, you get comfortable!). It helps a bit to think thats she kind of trying to re-create what we had, but I still feel rubbish because its like 'am I that easily replaceable?!'. We got comfortable for a reason: we knew each other properly etc. She said that I could NEVER be replaced, but it just feels like that at the moment.

 

And as well, I have been thinking...do break up forums really help us? I can't help but feel that cruising here all day and reading about breakups surely just keeps my mind on the situation....I don't know whether this is a good thing. Im not saying I want to forget about it all and repress it, but sometimes feel that I should be doing a bit more to move on a bit...i dunno

 

I'm also feeling a bit insecure about myself. I suppose thats what comes with break-ups though?

 

Ah, rant over!

 

Thanks!

[lizzy_09]

Even though I was always an independent person, even when I was with my ex, why do I suddenly need her all of a sudden and feel empty and lost without her?

 

Because your grieving a lost relationship.

 

Did I need her more than I thought? Or am I just going through typical break-up emotions?

When a relationship doesn't work out the way we've planned and we both go into opposite directions, we often encounter flash backs of the good times we've had together. And sometimes, we also think of those terrible times which would only hurt us all the more.

 

Also, I cant ignore the feelings of rejection. Even though this may not be the case (my story is long, but basically she's done it for reasons I can totally understand, she still loves me). But that doesn't stop me from feeling rejected.

That's just a normal feeling. Have you ever heard anyone here who wants to feel rejected?

 

When I have dumped her in the past, I would never feel like this. I know its wrong to think like that, but thats how it is. I still felt bad and like I wanted her back, but nothing like this.

Honestly, your the only one who can answer that for yourself. I can't give you an opinion that makes sense since I only hear this from how you see and explain your situations to us from your perspective. I haven't heard her side of the story.

 

I can't help thinking about what shes doing with this guy as well. She has told me that they both know it is going nowhere, but I can't help thinking that this guy is just replacing me so easily. They just sit at his, they dont have sex, and just like comfort each other, watch tv etc. Its like they've been going out for years.

Maybe this is a rebound relationship with her.

 

Dont go on dates or anything, there seems to be no real 'lust'. She's admitted to me its because thats what she used to do with me (3.5 year relationship, you get comfortable!). It helps a bit to think thats she kind of trying to re-create what we had, but I still feel rubbish because its like 'am I that easily replaceable?!'.

Your not easily replaceable if she still have feelings for you, most probably she got involve with this guy so that this guy might help her forget you.

 

And as well, I have been thinking...do break up forums really help us? I can't help but feel that cruising here all day and reading about breakups surely just keeps my mind on the situation....I don't know whether this is a good thing. Im not saying I want to forget about it all and repress it, but sometimes feel that I should be doing a bit more to move on a bit...i dunno

I can name a number of reasons what forums do to help a people.

First - Helps you unload the burden that you feel, even though the next day you still feel like crap.

Second - Makes you realize your not alone and that other people have either similar situations as yours or in a much worst case.

Third - Somebody out there tries to comfort and encourage you so that you'd feel better thru words of course. Though, at times, some also could make you feel like your an idiot for putting all your heart out when you should have left something for yourself so that it would be easier to pick up the pieces when your relationship fail.

 

I'm also feeling a bit insecure about myself. I suppose thats what comes with break-ups though?

Yes, they do. After a bad relationship, one totally feels like was it me? Or is he truly a jerk.

[Nedved]

Hang in there Bitteorca. It'l get easier!! I'm in the same situation as you. Monday i was longing just to talk to my ex and for her companionship and was so depressed. Like you i kept thinking of her with this new guy i've heard she's seeing and i know its horrible. Your brain go's into overdrive. Your not being replaced because nobody will ever replace you. Do you think the new guy she's with is any better than you? No he's not. He's just different and he'l have plenty of faults like the rest of us. by the sounds of things she's longing for the company of a man and my ex is the same.Its a quick fix most of the time and usually they learn the hard way that its not always the answer after a long relationship.

 

Unfortunatley we can't stop them and by trying to stop them we'le push them further away and into another guys arms. You just have to give her space and wish her the best as hard as it is. By the sound of things the situation is quite good between you both and you reckon there's a chance? Well okay but for that to happen(not saying it will) further down the line you gotta give her space and box very safe here. You have to become strong again and try to learn to live without her as hard as it is. You gotta become the positive guy you once were and the guy she fell in love with. She;s not gonna be interested in you if she thinks your a mess without her. But d'ont hang onto thoughts of getting her back. Your making yourself strong again for you not her. If you got her back at some stage great thats a bonus but you have to think of a future 1st without her.

 

just hang in there man. Your doing good.

[bitteorca]

Maybe this is a rebound relationship with her.

 

Yeah it is. She's said numerous things: she knows it isn't going anywhere, already; they just comfort each other and don't really do anything together; she doesn't have sex with him, when asked she says she just doesn't want to; she isn't looking for anyone at the moment, needs to be happy with herself for foreseeable future.

 

Your not easily replaceable if she still have feelings for you, most probably she got involve with this guy so that this guy might help her forget you.

 

I think this exactly. But A.) I hate the feeling that she's doing sumthing intentionally to forget/get over me , and B.) I don't think its the right thing to do. But I suppose its her choice, I can't really guide her/advise her any more. But she seems to at least acknowledge already thats its a rebound. She actually told me it was. Not that it makes it any better for me..well maybe a bit!

 

I can name a number of reasons what forums do to help a people.

 

I agree with them all. I think I was more talking about cruising the forum a bit obsessively, looking at posts. I don't think that was helping me loads. But posting and discussing does no doubt.

 

by the sounds of things she's longing for the company of a man and my ex is the same.Its a quick fix most of the time and usually they learn the hard way that its not always the answer after a long relationship.

 

I agree totally. Like I've said in previous posts, I think that if I had the company of a girl at the moment, it would help me. Just to take my mind of things for a while, to just focus my energies on something. Its like an easy way out though, but why would she not take the easy way out of a hard situation?! Its obviously very hard for her as well, I need to keep telling myself that. We didn't split on bad grounds, or out of spite etc. She just felt it had to be done. I need to respect her wishes and actions through all of this and try not to be toooo self-absorbed She likes people's company after all, more social than I am. Plus I think theres an extra thing in this. He has been through a big break-up as well. I think they kind of cry on each others shoulders so to speak. I don't know though, I'm just presuming from what info I've been given.

 

Unfortunatley we can't stop them and by trying to stop them we'le push them further away and into another guys arms. You just have to give her space and wish her the best as hard as it is. By the sound of things the situation is quite good between you both and you reckon there's a chance? Well okay but for that to happen(not saying it will) further down the line you gotta give her space and box very safe here. You have to become strong again and try to learn to live without her as hard as it is. You gotta become the positive guy you once were and the guy she fell in love with. She;s not gonna be interested in you if she thinks your a mess without her. But d'ont hang onto thoughts of getting her back. Your making yourself strong again for you not her. If you got her back at some stage great thats a bonus but you have to think of a future 1st without her.

 

VERY well put Nedved. I couldn't agree more. Even if this is difficult for me, the opposite would be even more difficult. Like I've said before, she knows me as a strong person. The least I can do, is not to taint her good memories of me, even if they are just going to stay as memories. And liek you said, if there is hope for a future sometime with us two, it can't help to be begging and pleading her. And when I think about it, I'm not a begging and pleading person, and I don't want to be with someone who I have to do this with. But yeah, 100% agree with that.

 

Thanks for your responses I feel a bit better today thankfully! Hope everyone else is doing ok

[Nedved]

Good post and yes your totally right we do taint our ex's memories begging and pleading and we're basically telling them we can't live without them by doing it. We're no longer that strong person they once knew. Thats why NC is so important. They have to miss you to and by keeping in contact we let them off the hook and make it easy for them. She'l be missing you to d'ont worry about that even if she is relaxing with this guy. Your still a good person thats disapeared from her life.

 

The NC will get better after a while and you'l learn to get through your days without her. Its a day to day battle for while but we've already been very strong getting this far. There's no going back now Get the detox over and done with now and d'ont break NC. You'l be thankful in a few weeks/months.

[bitteorca]

Thanks Nedved

 

I agree with you about NC. Sometimes I have these urges to contact her, or de-block her on facebook, but I know I won't. It wouldn't be a good idea at all! We need to stay strong!

 

I'm just struggling between conflicting thoughts. Sometimes I think 'of course she cares, she didn't just fall out of love with you, our love didn't just fade away, she's told you she cares and she's told you she loves you, she just thinks that this is the best thing to do'. But other times (like right now!) I think 'how can she not care about me, how can she just be chatting with a guy so easily like I didn't exist, how can she be fine with all of this and be getting on with things so easily, has she forgotten about me, does she want to wipe me out of her life completely?!'

 

I suppose the conflicting thoughts come with my situation though. And also, NC will naturally bring these thoughts, as at the end of the day, we are in a way depriving ourselves of answers. I realise that this is the best way to go right now, but it doesn't help. But then again, neither would contacting her. She obviously doesn't know properly herself. At the end of the day, when I think about the things I've done and said, she has every right to doubt everything

 

I hope your keeping well Nedved, and stay strong brethren!

[Nedved]

I'm trying my best bitteorca. Thanks a lot.It ain't easy though as you well know But yes its like a war going on inside your head and i think we prob look for answers that just are'nt there. I think(and hope) i'l eventually just get fed up thinking about her and move on. I actually got a text message off her yesterday but i have'nt replyed and to be honest it made me feel good not to. It was just a few words to say hi but I know if i reply now she won't reply back and that really p**s me off so i'm not gonna. I've come to far to throw it away.

 

In time we may or may not get the answers we require but i really do believe until you have a clear head you can't be in contact with her. What difference would it make anyway and if we did call them up and they could cold to us or distant on the phone. I could'nt put myself through that. We'd be back to square one again. Believe me silence is golden and if anything you'l get the respect she had for you as a strong person back by not calling. For me i won't contact her because it would upset me to and i can't really find it in my heart to forgive her. I would like to think that will change some day because we were together 4 years but at the moment i would'nt be able to even look her in the eye. She's a beautiful girl but right now she disgusts me and as bitter as that sounds i find its helping me focus on her flaws like we discussed in another thread. I'm not that type of person at all but by being to nice to her i let her walk all over me in the end. I won't let her to it ever again. Like you i just need to go back to my old positive self.

[bitteorca]

Good for you Nedved! I think if I got a text off my ex, I would respond. But only briefly and friendly, not emotionally. But our situations are different. I want to show her that I'm strong etc by going NC but also don't want her to think that I don't care (you know my story!). But your situation is different, so I think your doing the right thing, keep it up! Don't ever let ANYONE walk all over you, doesn't matter what history you have with that person, or what you feel towards them. You should love yourself first and foremost, and being a doormat wouldn't do you any good. You'll feel good, see it as kind of a challenge. Walking up a steep mountain that you puff and pant at, but to enjoy the view at the top!

 

Such a rollercoaster ride, I'm feeling a bit more positive since I last posted, that's how up and down this all is! I'm sure the ride will smooth out with time though!

 

I noticed you mention about your ex being beautiful. I don't know whether you meant it like this, but I'm going to say it anyway: Did you mean physically? My ex was the kind of gf everyone looks at at a club etc. I always thought she was above my league in that respect (even though she thought we were par!). It made me feel nice that this beautiful girl loved me the way she did. But it doesn't help after the breakup. I know now shes single (not saying she is doing this, she said she isnt, and its probably me being paranoid) but she can get nearly anyone she wants, if she wants. Its like if she wanted to move on it would be sooo easy for her in that respect. It just scares me when I think what she could be up to (again, I'm not saying she's like that, its just my thoughts I'm trying to explain). I'm not bad looking, but not on her level. I know I'll find someone, I'm not scared of that! Suppose just a bit jealous/envious that I have a feeling she might do it first :S I know that's the wrong way to think of it though.

 

Ah another rant over