lilly83 Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I always get really confused and can get anxious and nervous in relationships and I would really appreciate your opinion on this. Thank you. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 weeks and offical for 5 weeks. He was the one who done all the chasing and asked if we can become offical. He is 26 and im 25. He is new to this area been here for 10 months, he moved up here due to work and with his ex who he was with for 5 years. They have been broke up for quite a while now, she cheated on him with some other guy and has moved in with that guy. Apart from sorting out finaces on the house they rented together he has nothing to do with her. He said that he wants to take things slow because he has rushed in the past and he does not want to make the same mistake again and ruin the chance of us working out and having a long term relationship. I have been hurt a lot in the past and have rushed as well so im happy to take things slow. He has met quite a lot of my friends, he has made an effort with them and added them as friends on face book. Also on sat I made a plan with my best friend because I thought he wanted time to him self. He called me up and said that he is free on sat, I told him that I had plans and he asked if he could come along so he could meet my best friend and have time with me. He has also said things like he loves spending time with me and that he can feel him self falling for me. 95% of the time he contacts me first and initates contact. He is also very affectionate when we are together and iniates holding my hand in public. He also talks about us in the future. His family live about 100 miles away and so do most of his friends so he does not get to see them but he has told them all about me and they have seen pics of me online. His mum commented and said she is clearly good for you as ive seen some positve changes in you since you have been together. He talks about me meeting his parents when we have the time and money and said he will show me some pics of his friends so I can see who they are and what they look like. Sorry it is so long. I have messed up so much in the past and get confused and would really appreciate your opinions. Thank you.
Bejita463 Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Sounds like a healthy relationship to me. What are you worried about exactly?
Thaddeus Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Well, on the surface it sounds like things are progressing rather nicely. But there are a couple of bits that might be concerning. This:He was the one who done all the chasingand this:95% of the time he contacts me first and initates contact. For the chasing bit, what I believe you should keep an eye out for is to determine whether he's a chaser or a devoted man. Hard to tell from what you've written here, and it just may be semantics or the way you've chosen to use the word "chasing," but chasers and devoted men are two entirely different creatures. If you've made him chase you, you've objectified yourself into an object to be pursued, rather than a human being with feelings and desires. Chasers get into relationships because they like the chase, but not because they're actually interested in a relationship. Once the chase has been fulfilled, chasers have their radar out for the next object to be chased. It's the chase they enjoy so much, and has nothing to do with being in a relationship. As for the point that he initiates contact almost all the time, that can grow tiresome for the contacter if there's no reciprocity. If it's almost always up to him to make contact, he may get the sense that you're really not into him because you never make any effort yourself. All that said, I can't really tell if these issues apply to you or not based on what you've written here. I hope I'm wrong, and I very well may be, but it's just hard to tell.
utterer of lies Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Don't let your past and your fears ruin this.
writergal Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I agree with Thaddeus. Be careful. Without having more details, from what you've written it could be possible he fits into the 'runner' or 'chaser' category. Both types are total commitment phobes, too. If you man is just recently out of a long term relationship, he's probably still dealing with the emotional fallout, even if he says he's fine. A 'runner' is a man who comes on strong with charm in the very beginning, then at the first sign of conflict he exits from the relationship. Runners have a reputation for being hot and cold with their affection and are incapable of emotional attachment with a woman. They can't committ to another person emotionally, because they are not in touch with their own emotional health for whatever reason. They will be ambivalent about their feelings and string you along, going off and on, promising to change but never changing. The 'chaser' is a man like Thaddeus described; he comes on strong, talks in future tense a lot, has poor boundaries in that he doesn't like to be alone so he spends all his time with you, makes promises about a future together but rarely focuses on the present, rarely speaking of your relationship in the present tense, and when asked specific questions about his feelings for you, gives vague, esoteric answers that are evasive and not specific to you. They can't commit because they get their validation at the start of a relationship. Once they get their ego boost, they exit, stage left because the idea of making a committment means they have to give someone else their attention. These types are narcassists and are very selfish. Anytime a man comes on strong, full-steam ahead, making all sorts of promises of a future together, who showers you with gifts and spends, smothering you with attention is a man to avoid at all costs. Your best way to judge this fellow is to pay attention to what his actions say, versus his words. Actions always speak louder than words. And, pay attention to your gut reaction to his actions. And if you make plans with a girlfriend and he tries to invite himself along again, and you don't want him along, be sure to set that boundary with him. Because the more you let him invade your boundaries now, the more isolated you'll become from your friends and social life to the point where its just the 2 of you, 24/7, which is not a healty relationship at all. At 7 weeks, sounds to me like he's coming on way too strong, pushing a really fast pace on the relationship, and has very poor boundaries, or at least doesn't respect your boundaries because he's inviting himself out with you and your friends, using "I want to meet your friends" as an excuse, when in reality, he probably doesn't want to be alone. He was in a long term relationship before he met you. The adjustment is probably very difficult for him emotionally, so to curb his internal anxiety, he could be using your relationship as a buffer, a way to hide from the pain and emotional anxiety from his previous relationship. If you were confident he was the right guy for you, then you wouldn't be questioning his actions 7 weeks into the relationship. But all is not lost. Now is the time for you to take back some control and balance with the relationship. Set better boundaries. Keep your social life seperate from his for now, at this point. If he wants to meet you out with your girlfriends, say no for now. And do not buy into his "future speak" about the two of you together in the future. My ex-bf did that to me in the first month we were together and guess what, none of that ever happened. So instead, focus on the here and now. The next time your boyfriend talks about you meeting his parents or moving in together or whatever, just acknowledge it, then make a reference to the present, like "That sounds nice, but let's just focus on today, for now because I really enjoy being with you." Protect yourself and slow the pace down. I only say this because most relationships that start off a rocket speed, end up burning out very quickly and its usually because the man gets bored really quickly and when he starts to feel smothered by the commitment he's now in, he'll want to bail on the relationship. So also watch to see if he starts to pick fights with you as that's a warning sign he's not interested in being in the relationship.
tkgirl Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I always get really confused and can get anxious and nervous in relationships and I would really appreciate your opinion on this. Thank you. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 weeks and offical for 5 weeks. He was the one who done all the chasing and asked if we can become offical. He is 26 and im 25. He is new to this area been here for 10 months, he moved up here due to work and with his ex who he was with for 5 years. They have been broke up for quite a while now, she cheated on him with some other guy and has moved in with that guy. Apart from sorting out finaces on the house they rented together he has nothing to do with her. He said that he wants to take things slow because he has rushed in the past and he does not want to make the same mistake again and ruin the chance of us working out and having a long term relationship. I have been hurt a lot in the past and have rushed as well so im happy to take things slow. He has met quite a lot of my friends, he has made an effort with them and added them as friends on face book. Also on sat I made a plan with my best friend because I thought he wanted time to him self. He called me up and said that he is free on sat, I told him that I had plans and he asked if he could come along so he could meet my best friend and have time with me. He has also said things like he loves spending time with me and that he can feel him self falling for me. 95% of the time he contacts me first and initates contact. He is also very affectionate when we are together and iniates holding my hand in public. He also talks about us in the future. His family live about 100 miles away and so do most of his friends so he does not get to see them but he has told them all about me and they have seen pics of me online. His mum commented and said she is clearly good for you as ive seen some positve changes in you since you have been together. He talks about me meeting his parents when we have the time and money and said he will show me some pics of his friends so I can see who they are and what they look like. Sorry it is so long. I have messed up so much in the past and get confused and would really appreciate your opinions. Thank you. I think things sound like they're going pretty good myself.. especially given the fact that the he got burned pretty bad in his last relationship. Try to not worry about too much... you guys are still in the "getting to know each other phase" but he seems to be making a lot of effort to see you and get to know you and that's good! Don't over-analyze it... just take things slow and enjoy getting to know him too!
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