japanbaby Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Me and my husband got married about a month ago and our sex life has been great during us dating and being engaged. It was good right after we got married too, but then something happened last week. We were taking a road trip with one of his friends and he and his friend were talking about one of the women hed been with before. Id seen a picture of her and I mentioned that she looked fat in the picture. My husband told me that she was not fat, just a big girl, like me. He caught what he was saying, but not in time for me to not hear what he was going to say. It really hurt my feelings and now I don't feel comfortable being naked in front of him if he thinks i'm big. I told him that I heard him and how I feel, but he thinks i'm being silly. All he says is that im not big, but i heard him say it. He told me that he said it, but its not what he meant. I think he is just trying to deny it because he wants to have sex, but I dont feel like it if he really feels that way. What do you think about the situation?
giotto Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 if he thinks you are "big", but he loves you and he finds you very attractive and want to have sex with you, what's the problem? Do you think you are big? I wish women stopped this "I hate my body" thing... there's nothing a man can do about it and will ruin your relationship in the long run. And why don't you feel comfortable being naked in front of him? He loves your body, so you are going to hurt him. If he didn't feel that way, he wouldn't be with you...
mark982 Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 so he admitted he like big girls,and he considers you one. lady thats a compliment in my eyes.
Lauriebell82 Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Well he married you, therefore finding you attractive is a given. I agree with what Mark said, if he dated someone who was "big" before than it stands to reason that he is attracted to that type of woman. Now, the more important question is do YOU think your big? Are you comfortable with yourself? He vowed to spend the rest of his life with you, "big" or not. I know that if my fiance called me "big" I might feel somewhat hurt however if he is saying he is attracted to you anyway then stop feeling bad!
redtail Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 ... I think he is just trying to deny it because he wants to have sex, ... JapanBaby, you need to stop this, do not assume his motives unless he specifically said it to you. Communication is key here, you two need to have an open, non-defensive conversation around this issue so that both of you can express their feelings. You have an issue with your weight, and that's okay. But don't assume he also does. Also, you and your husband have differing opinions on what is "fat", since he did not see his previous GF as fat and you did. I think he loves you, that's a great foundation to start building an understanding from, good luck to you.
Lauriebell82 Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 JapanBaby, you need to stop this, do not assume his motives unless he specifically said it to you. Communication is key here, you two need to have an open, non-defensive conversation around this issue so that both of you can express their feelings. You have an issue with your weight, and that's okay. But don't assume he also does. Also, you and your husband have differing opinions on what is "fat", since he did not see his previous GF as fat and you did. I think he loves you, that's a great foundation to start building an understanding from, good luck to you. I agree with all of these. It sounds to me like you aren't trusting him right now..is there are reason for that? Has he done anything lately that would give you the impression he has alterior motives? Call me crazy but not every husband is a total a-hole who is going to screw you over. You know him best, do you REALLY believe that your husband would marry under false pretenses?
Phateless Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 JapanBaby, I think you are being ridiculous about this. Whatever way he sees you, he likes it. He married you because he loves you as you are. If YOU think you're too big, then work out and change it. PLEASE, don't self-destruct your marriage over an insecurity. Think about this rationally. Whatever he sees when he looks at you, he's attracted to it. Don't let this minor slip of the tongue turn into something ugly.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I told him that I heard him and how I feel, but he thinks i'm being silly. All he says is that im not big, but i heard him say it. He told me that he said it, but its not what he meant. I think he is just trying to deny it because he wants to have sex, but I dont feel like it if he really feels that way. What do you think about the situation? Understand that you were insulting him by proxy. He may have started to say that to insult you back because you had just hurt his feelings. Either way, if the guy didn't think you were attractive he would not have married you! Nor would he be all that interested in sex. I think you are taking this way too far. That's just my opinion.
Trialbyfire Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 JapanBaby, I think you are being ridiculous about this. Whatever way he sees you, he likes it. He married you because he loves you as you are. If YOU think you're too big, then work out and change it. PLEASE, don't self-destruct your marriage over an insecurity. Think about this rationally. Whatever he sees when he looks at you, he's attracted to it. Don't let this minor slip of the tongue turn into something ugly. Understand that you were insulting him by proxy. He may have started to say that to insult you back because you had just hurt his feelings. Either way, if the guy didn't think you were attractive he would not have married you! Nor would he be all that interested in sex. I think you are taking this way too far. That's just my opinion. I agree with both of these posts, particularly the bolded portion. Don't insult anyone else, if you can't take it. If you're feeling insecure about something that easily fixable on a comparison basis, FIX IT!
vox Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Me and my husband got married about a month ago and our sex life has been great during us dating and being engaged. It was good right after we got married too, but then something happened last week. We were taking a road trip with one of his friends and he and his friend were talking about one of the women hed been with before. Id seen a picture of her and I mentioned that she looked fat in the picture. My husband told me that she was not fat, just a big girl, like me. He caught what he was saying, but not in time for me to not hear what he was going to say. It really hurt my feelings and now I don't feel comfortable being naked in front of him if he thinks i'm big. I told him that I heard him and how I feel, but he thinks i'm being silly. All he says is that im not big, but i heard him say it. He told me that he said it, but its not what he meant. I think he is just trying to deny it because he wants to have sex, but I dont feel like it if he really feels that way. What do you think about the situation? Japanbaby, this isn't about what he said. This is about how you see yourself. You're not comfortable being viewed this way, even though your husband obviously loves you for who you are. This is your problem not his. Just be happy with yourself. If you're not, then fix it.
asireen Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Being attractive to someone is made up of several components. Physical attributes is only one. Other things, such as a pleasant personality, a great attitude towards your spouse, mutual understanding and love, among many, are important components. If there is a smile on your faces when you wake up each morning and see each other, there is nothing to complain about.
Heroic Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Despite what walks down the paris runway, men like women with curves. Little women look like kids and thin women look like boys....give me a big gal any day!
Thornton Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 By the sound of it he does think you're big, but he doesn't necessarily see this as a negative thing... he probably likes big girls, given that he dated one and married another one. If YOU think you're too big then do something about it... if you're happy as you are then forget about it.
carhill Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 He told me that he said it, but its not what he meant. I think he is just trying to deny it because he wants to have sex, but I don't feel like it if he really feels that way. What do you think about the situation? If you truly feel that he's wordsmithing soley to bone you and you're basing your sexual desire for him solely on this dynamic, get divorced now. Seriously However, if this is just a typical female rant, then we're happy to listen and I know you'll be right back to business tomorrow. Thanks for stopping by and good luck with your marriage. Topically, I always found my wife attractive and she was always overweight, at some points significantly so. The breakdown of our M had nothing to do with her BMI and, even today, she thanks me for never calling her fat (I would never do it anyway). That's one perspective
gd26 Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Don't insult anyone else, if you can't take it. Completely agree. You (the OP) didn't have any reservation in calling someone else 'fat'. So why are you getting all sensitive when being called the same? If you don't like being judged, then maybe it wasn't fair of you to judge her either.
Author japanbaby Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 Ok, just to add more to the situation. He talks about the people hes been in physical relationships with and its something that he has always done. He knows it makes me unconfortable, but ive just tried to deal with it because other than that he is a really good guy. After we got married though, it started bothering me because he talks about how sexy these other women were and it already made me feel somewhat inferior. Kinda stupid i know. but i'm not big or fat. i was completely comfortable with myself, but i am having issues now but i want him to think im sexy like the other girls he has talked about in the past, which are model-like girls, so he does not like big girls. And yesterday he told me that he was going to say something worse and when I asked him what he was going to say, he just told me that I was right and he said I was big.
Phateless Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I understand where you're coming from. You said the other girl was fat to make yourself feel more secure in your relationship. You were hoping your husband would agree with you. You were fishing for a compliment. Sorry to say but that was an insecure and immature move on your part. You shouldn't have done that. On the other hand, it was wrong of him to call you big and it's wrong of him to talk about other girls that way. He was probably saying that to you to be hurtful. Fact is, if you love each other and are attracted to each other, what's the big deal? If he loves you the way you are you should accept yourself as you are. OR, if you wish you were thinner, make it happen. Don't complain about a situation that you have the power to change. He wouldn't be with you if he didn't think you were hot already.
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