kizik Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can barely remember what it's like. Sometimes, I go to the "Post Here Instead of Contacting Your Ex" thread, and it brings me back, way back. 15 months ago to the suicidal thoughts I had, the absolute waking misery of every f*cking day. Couldn't imagine life. Just wanted to hold her again. All that. But then one day I got angry, and I've never wanted to turn off that switch. The anger came from the truth. The same truth many of you must feel. Your ex cut and run. Nope, you weren't worth trying to be with b/c you were too much trouble, or there was someone better around the corner. I thought about the way she controlled and emotionally abused me, demeaned and humiliated me... I'm getting really angry, again, just typing this. Anyway, while some of you may have had "amicable" breakups - a euphemism, as mutual breakups are a fallacy - my guess is that you all got screwed in one way or another. It comes down to one thing: you weren't worth it to them. They did not want to do the work, they did not value you enough as a f*cking person, a f*cking human being, to work it out. I don't know. Maybe the differences were irreconcilable. Maybe it's YOUR fault, you who is reading this, that your relationship ended. But I do know this, and I've said it before: I could not get back to that dark place, that endless, suicidal tunnel, if I tried. She took from me, she took most everything, but I got it back, and more. I'm me again, but a better me. Time heals, yes, but you have to work. Work on yourself and your co-dependent tendencies that got you into this mess in the first place. You have to delve deep into your memories, thinking about every mistreatment. How did you allow it to happen? Did you mistreat them, too? Eventually, those special memories you shared with that person fade. They become like an old, wilted photograph. And frankly, you don't even care about looking at that photograph. Why? Sure, because it's painful, but mostly because there's no point. It's gone. You've accepted it, and you've changed not only your life, but who you, as an individual with freedom and choice, are. Fret not. Let the healing take over. You will heal, whether you want to or not. This is what you must understand. Changes occur organically within your mind and soul. You have to just roll with it. Because those happy moments will occur with greater frequency, until the sad ones become small twinges. Sure, they still occur. Before you go to sleep, a fleeting memory of a kiss. When you wake, his or her face crossing your mind quickly. But then, some months down the road, the picture of who they really were comes clear. They were no one extraordinary. They were fallible humans who actually acted quite inconsiderately. Of course they did it because they felt they had to. Few of these people broke up with us out of sheer spite, or malice. But the fact remains that we gave them a piece of ourselves that ultimately they did not value enough, and they said, "Nah. You're not good enough for me." You'll make it, and one day you'll be laughing and it will feel f*cking amazing. And you'll go, "Oh my god, this is life." Not crying over an ex. Not self-hatred. Just the freedom of being yourself again.
LostLamb Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 That will happen for most people but I have sympathy for those who will never recover and will waste decades with broken , unhealed hearts. It's dangerous assuming everyone will go on to prosper as it isn't true but one should never give up hope of finding new love , as being loved is the best feeling in the world.
lizzylizliz Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Love it. Kudos to you, that made me feel great reading it. It's easier to be angry than sad, and it's true...if our exes cared about us so much, they'd be the ones posting on here, looking for ways to work it out...or just looking for ways to cope. Nice one Really helped put things into perspective.
evaG Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 At the same time though, sometimes they have to let you go for good reason. Maybe you two need some time apart to grow up and mature in order to really grow into the relationship. Or maybe he/she can see it more clearly how miserable and unfitted both of you are, but is unwilling to admit it due to blindness to love. Just saying.
heatherb16 Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Just wanted to let you know- very well said. It pretty much describes ME. Although it has only been 1 month since the break-up, and 1 1/2 years together, I am already starting to see that "old, wilted photograph" that you explained. He DID give up on me. He didn't want to work though things, like you mentioned. I just didn't seem like I was good enough for him. It's difficult for me to even remember what we had. It's difficult to remember how his kisses felt. It's difficult to remember how he made me feel. Although, I do know that it was great, and I loved him with all my heart. But the pain is slowly starting to ease, day by day. I no longer think of him 24/7. Don't get me wrong, I miss him like I've never missed anyone in my whole life. The only difference is that I've learned how to cope. I've learned how to be healthy about it, finally. Anyways, Thank you for posting this. It gives others the hope that they need
imhurt Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Nice...I am going through this now with my ex, it has only been 4 days. (after a 5 year relationship) I ended it, but it was mutual. Reading what you wrote makes me wonder if I should try again though? Did I not give him enough love? Did he give me enough and I just didn't realize it? I am devastated. I am on an emotional roller coaster, going back and forth on whether it was the best decision. I am happy to know there is an end in sight to these awful feelings. I just hope it's not too long. I am tired of this already. So much goes though my mind. I can't even go to work today. I have not eaten a thing since it happened. I won't contact him, but damn if I wish he would contact me. I wonder how he's doing to. I am just sick to my stomach!!!!! Tell me it will be over soon! I know I need to accept it's over, but the thought still comes back to me. I know it wasn't working. But we could of tried harder? I wish I knew when this would be over:(
BCCA Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Anyway, while some of you may have had "amicable" breakups - a euphemism, as mutual breakups are a fallacy - my guess is that you all got screwed in one way or another. It comes down to one thing: you weren't worth it to them. They did not want to do the work, they did not value you enough as a f*cking person, a f*cking human being, to work it out. This is the point I always hammer into everyone I can. Its not because you werent home when they stopped by that one time, or because you didnt like one of their friends, or because they needed space to do their music, or werent supportive of their art, and didnt comfort them enough when they got a C on a test. Its because YOU were not valuable enough to them. The scales tipped, making you more of a hassle than you were worth. While thats not to say that you did absolutely nothing to make things that way, the point is when someone VALUES you enough, they make an effort to work out problems. They WANT them to be worked out, they WANT the two of you to be happy, and they comprimise. When someone is done with you, they WANT things to fail, they WANT to blame you for trivial things, and act as if that was the reason they left you. No friends, its all about your percieved value. And getting pissed is what it usually takes to start moving on. As long as you think they are the greatest thing since sliced bread, youll always be hung up.
mr.dream merchant Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Kizik and BCCA are right. Anger is what actually jump started my healing process. I think about my ex now, but its more a "****ing disappointment..." thought. And then it actually makes me happy to think I'm not dragging along with someone who didn't value me anyways, ya dig? **** that guy. **** that girl. **** that hermaphrodite. Or whatever your SO was. **** them. They didn't value you enough to make things work. When they broke up with you, with me, with us, they basically said "**** you, you're not worth my time." Well you know what I have to say to that? "**** you to." With a big smile on my face, because I'm already happy and its been a month and week since she left me high and dry, in tears, in pain, just sick to my stomach, and not giving two ****s to even contact me. When she did, she kicked me when I was down. You don't want someone like that in your life. If they left you, and they know you're hurt, and they don't care, **** them. You don't need people like that in your life anyways. When you're at the bottom, you'll make it to the top. Its only the inevitable, because when you're at the bottom, you've only got up to go. Notches up the ladder.
EmperorR Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Excellent thread, I would also like to add it doesn't matter what you did, doesn't matter if she/he was cheated on in every relatioknship before you it means nothing. They just don't respect you or want you, trust me some will get the line you didn't give me alot of attention trust me if you did they would say were moving to fast your smothering me. Don't waste your time analyzing any words I did for months all horse crap, my ex after opening her legs for a man she just met, told me she loved me kissed me yuck and then ran into another mans arms a few days later. Words are horsecrap. I wasn't valued as a human being which I am, when strangers treat you better than someone you would die for that's all yoi need to run and realize yoi can do better. Have I forgiven my ex nope, I still write angry poems about her all the time, I know one day I will forgive but for now I will live off my bitterness towards her.
moo Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I love this thread. It is very inspirational. My ex left me because he didn't want to do the work. I put in all the effort, he put in nothing and when it was time for him to stand up and be a man, he left. Simple as that. After all the hours of crying on the phone, I realize that he was not the flawed prince I made him out to be. He actually wasn't good enough for me...he never was. I feel sorry for his new gf, she doesn't know what's coming, but that's her problem. He was a cancer that had to be cut out. He just did it for me.
motive2002 Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 It's interesting how a once sweet, kind, do anything for you kind of person can be so vicious and hateful during a break-up. What you have to understand is that you get to own your part, and they get to own theirs. If you accept all the blame by default, you will never get to this anger phase that Kizik describes. You will never understand that no matter what you feel about this other person, they are acting of their own interests and have their own agenda and most of the time it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. The old cliche "It's not you, it's me" is actually pretty true. In most cases that's exactly how it is. What you really need to do for healing to begin, is to love and accept yourself exactly the way you are, warts and all. You have to understand that you have intrinsic value and deserve love. Maybe the ex wasn't on the same page as you, or wanted to give their love to someone else. That's their problem, not yours. You still have value either way. Another thing to get you going into the seemingly necessary anger phase, is to knock your ex off the pedestal you've put them on. Examine what it was they did before the break-up. Were they horribly insensitive? Did they suddenly lose respect for you? Did they no longer value your opinions? Were they a cheating, lying sack of dogsh*t? Really take a close look. Maybe they weren't this wonderful person you thought they were, and maybe it's time you decided you deserve better than that... BECAUSE YOU DO!
BW007 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 You are a voice of uncompromising reason. I've gotten to the pissed off stage but it often regresses back to missing her too. I am mad, really mad that I am not valued anymore. It is a bummer. If I am honest about it I DO value her enough to figure out our differences. It sucks when your partner bails out on the see-saw. (I really did lose my front tooth when I was a little kid from someone bailing out on the old teeter totter) I'm getting to feel I will never get it right.NEVER. I get the lesson, but it seems to me my history is telling me I don't know how to get a relationship right. For example, this last one really did matter to me and I wanted us to get it right. I hate being devalued.
Exit Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Very good post. I've been trying to drive some of these thoughts into my head all week, that I just wasn't worth it to her, even if I had behaved better, she probably would have left. I don't necessarily equate anger with healing. It's a dirty negative emotion that can lead you down the wrong path. But then again, my method of NOT getting mad, of refusing to send her any kind of letter where I finally snap and tell her to f*** off, hasn't really worked for me either. So maybe I do need to get mad, maybe just for a couple days or something. But this thread is 100% truth. There are people who can get past cheating because the other person is WORTH it to them. The fact that my ex couldn't sit down with me and work through the couple of minor problems that we had just shows that she didn't care enough.
t0ri Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Wow, really great post kizik Thanks for bumping.
Cora Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Wow, really great post kizik Thanks for bumping. Yes, thank you so much. I'm just now reading this for the first time. I wish I had had something like this to read months ago right after he left me. It is so true, everything you wrote!
4givrnt4gtr Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 you know reading this left me utterly confused.. I broke it off...because he was going back and forth, not really sure, not wanting to let me go, yet not sure whether he could ever get to a point where he could love me. So i told him it was best to let it be and move on. And believe me I would have fought with teeth and nails to make it work...but at that point when he tells me he isnt sure he could love me...i just couldnt go on...out of self respect. So when you say that someone who breaks up is because they dont care about the other person confused me. I adored my ex bf, i havent stop crying about it....but i couldnt let him drag me along. Yet my mind is full of what ifs...what if i had stayed, i had given him more time....maybe...just maybe. its not as easy as "they dont care" at least not in my case....and Im sure not in a lot of other "dumpers" cases. Im probably totally killing the point of your thread...but it just hit me that he might just be thinking that....that I didnt care enough to keep fighting. That breaks my heart.
soheartbroken Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 4giver, I think we have to be very careful with labeling who leaves who. Sometimes people who do the actual breaking up are not really the dumpers. They are forced to break up with the other because the other does something or acts in a way that makes the "dumper", out of self-respect, end the relationship. Sounds like your ex should have broken it off with you, if he wasn't sure he could love you. Out of a sense of dignity you were forced to end it. Sounds like he was the actual dumper, and a ****ty one at that. Read Uncoupling if you're interested in learning more.
Peanut9330 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 4giver, I think we have to be very careful with labeling who leaves who. Sometimes people who do the actual breaking up are not really the dumpers. They are forced to break up with the other because the other does something or acts in a way that makes the "dumper", out of self-respect, end the relationship. Sounds like your ex should have broken it off with you, if he wasn't sure he could love you. Out of a sense of dignity you were forced to end it. Sounds like he was the actual dumper, and a ****ty one at that. Read Uncoupling if you're interested in learning more. I never thought of that from this perspective that 's a good point and I completely agree.
Peanut9330 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Kizik, good thread I agree that it's much easier to move on with anger because once your in the angry phase you take them of the pedestal, and you truly start to see them for who they really are and realize that you deserve better.
4givrnt4gtr Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 4giver, I think we have to be very careful with labeling who leaves who. Sometimes people who do the actual breaking up are not really the dumpers. They are forced to break up with the other because the other does something or acts in a way that makes the "dumper", out of self-respect, end the relationship. Sounds like your ex should have broken it off with you, if he wasn't sure he could love you. Out of a sense of dignity you were forced to end it. Sounds like he was the actual dumper, and a ****ty one at that. Read Uncoupling if you're interested in learning more. Wow...from THAT point of view... Yeah he should have broken it off....long long long ago. But he was afraid he couldnt find what we had again with someone else. In any case....thank you for pointing out the obvious to me. Im really relieved actually, that I didnt give up...he did....and I deserve better than that.... Great thread!
Author kizik Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 Bump. ............................
rp123 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 This is one of the best posts I've seen on LS. I visit this site everyday with my broken heart, and sense of loss... I love hearing about the light at the end of the tunnel.... Thank you for your generous post.
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