I could use a little encouragement...

[sedgwick]

I apologize if I mischaracterized you. I remember reading you saying in another thread that you rarely leave your house or do anything at this point. I'm really glad to hear things have improved since then, and I hope they continue to get better.

 

to accept the fact that this guy isn't the love of your life, he's not your "one." Do you realize that? Are you willing to accept that?

 

Also, are you really absolutely doing everything you can to get out in the world, meet new men, etc.? T

 

I leave my house to go to therapy and to dance and yoga classes, and to perform. (I perform both solo and with a company as a bellydancer, and, as a writer, I have to do readings.) I don't go out to social events unless I'm performing. The biggest thing I miss is going out to hear music; I used to do it all the time but haven't since he left me. When he dumped me for not being a musician, I sort of assumed that meant musicians didn't want non-musicians around, so I've stayed away from them unless they're playing music for me to dance to.

 

I haven't done anything at all to meet men; I just assume they won't want anything to do with me. There was one guy I met when he moved some of my stuff, and he was a musician and seemed very cool, and I got a little hopeful and met him at a bar one night. However, he was cruel -- wouldn't sit with me, walked off to hear the band in the back room with his friends, didn't even offer to buy me a drink. I paid for my own drink, sat at the bar alone until I finished it, and then left. I walked right past him and he didn't even say goodbye. That pretty much confirmed for me that musicians wanted nothing to do with me, and that men are embarrassed to be seen with me.

 

And in case it needed to be double-confirmed, recently on facebook another musician guy I know posted that he was getting tired of looking for his dream woman, didn't think she existed, and posted a list of criteria -- which described ME. Exactly. So I posted and said, "Um, that's me," and got absolutely no response. Nothing. Which meant he must have looked at my pics and thought I was so hideous I didn't even deserve a "thanks but no thanks." I was totally humiliated. I can be everything they want on paper, but I guess my looks are the dealbreaker. You can see why I have no interest in trying again -- all those two experiences did was show me that Joe was right, I'm nothing a guy could want. Especially if the guy's a musician.

 

I really DO think Joe was the love of my life, but unfortunately I just wasn't good enough for him. I found him, but he didn't want me -- that doesn't mean I won't always love him. I just feel like I missed my chance because of all my shortcomings. However, I am living a fun life overall and achieving everything I've always wanted -- except, of course, finding the love of a partner who's glad to have me. That whole thing guys say about how smart is sexy must be a giant lie -- I'm smart, but they're too embarrassed to be seen with me because of my appearance. Because I'm not skinny, it seems I'm destined to be alone. I do try to take comfort in the fact that I'm not embarrassing anyone, at least. I know my place now and I won't be one of those fat girls who hangs around trying to be friends with the cool kids. So I suppose I've at least got that going for me!

[shadowplay]

I leave my house to go to therapy and to dance and yoga classes, and to perform. (I perform both solo and with a company as a bellydancer, and, as a writer, I have to do readings.) I don't go out to social events unless I'm performing. The biggest thing I miss is going out to hear music; I used to do it all the time but haven't since he left me. When he dumped me for not being a musician, I sort of assumed that meant musicians didn't want non-musicians around, so I've stayed away from them unless they're playing music for me to dance to.

 

I haven't done anything at all to meet men; I just assume they won't want anything to do with me. There was one guy I met when he moved some of my stuff, and he was a musician and seemed very cool, and I got a little hopeful and met him at a bar one night. However, he was cruel -- wouldn't sit with me, walked off to hear the band in the back room with his friends, didn't even offer to buy me a drink. I paid for my own drink, sat at the bar alone until I finished it, and then left. I walked right past him and he didn't even say goodbye. That pretty much confirmed for me that musicians wanted nothing to do with me, and that men are embarrassed to be seen with me.

 

And in case it needed to be double-confirmed, recently on facebook another musician guy I know posted that he was getting tired of looking for his dream woman, didn't think she existed, and posted a list of criteria -- which described ME. Exactly. So I posted and said, "Um, that's me," and got absolutely no response. Nothing. Which meant he must have looked at my pics and thought I was so hideous I didn't even deserve a "thanks but no thanks." I was totally humiliated. I can be everything they want on paper, but I guess my looks are the dealbreaker. You can see why I have no interest in trying again -- all those two experiences did was show me that Joe was right, I'm nothing a guy could want. Especially if the guy's a musician.

 

I really DO think Joe was the love of my life, but unfortunately I just wasn't good enough for him. I found him, but he didn't want me -- that doesn't mean I won't always love him. I just feel like I missed my chance because of all my shortcomings. However, I am living a fun life overall and achieving everything I've always wanted -- except, of course, finding the love of a partner who's glad to have me. That whole thing guys say about how smart is sexy must be a giant lie -- I'm smart, but they're too embarrassed to be seen with me because of my appearance. Because I'm not skinny, it seems I'm destined to be alone. I do try to take comfort in the fact that I'm not embarrassing anyone, at least. I know my place now and I won't be one of those fat girls who hangs around trying to be friends with the cool kids. So I suppose I've at least got that going for me!

 

Is your gripe with your appearance your weight? I'm surprised if you're a dancer that your weight is a problem since you must be pretty active. Why not try to get into better shape, so you feel more self confident? Is the problem the way you eat or how much you exercise? Figure it out and start changing your lifestyle.

 

I think you need to get over this live music phobia and just force yourself to go. The more you avoid music, the harder it will be to face your fear. It might be upsetting the first few times, but just go to push yourself. Don't expect to have a good time until you've gone to a few concerts. This is where you're not really trying. You need to step out of your comfort zone and accept the temporary anxiety you'll experience. It WILL be upsetting at first, but isn't that pain worth it to get over this funk you're in? Have courage, and just pull off the bandaid.

 

I asked you in my post if you were willing to try and accept that he is not the love of your life, and you basically evaded my question. I know right now you believe that he is, but are you willing to try to change your thinking about that? Please don't give me some BS like "that's not possible, I'll never believe he's not." You CAN change your mind and see the light if you want to. You hold the controls to what goes on in your head. But do you want to? Will you try, really try to change your thinking if that means getting better?

[SweetyBear]

I hear your pain and I hear you trying to defend yourself. IMO, you shouldn't have to. You are who you are. You are getting help for what you feel you need to. You are in charge of your life. It's hard to see the people we care about make choices that cause their own pain, but I never think when I spend time talking to a friend or giving advice that it was wasted because they didn't take it. I had a situation when I was a month into my breakup where someone who I considered a really good friend of mine say something about how I should be over it and moving on. It's two months later and I have just very, very recently made a decision to get my life back. I don't think anybody has a right to say they wasted their time talking to you. I understand how maybe they're thinking a tough love approach is necessary, but from reading all your posts just in this thread, it sounds like you have professionals involved and that you are looking for a way past this. For me, it's thinking about how happy and content I was and how I got into a relationship because I thought it would enhance my life. I guess I'm lucky because I can clearly remember that contentment, peace and happiness and now I only want it back with or without him. It sounds like those things have eluded you and my sincere hope for you is that you will be able to find them. I'm sorry your ex left you feeling like he did. I can't tell you the how because for me it was like it all just clicked. The thing is that I don't know if next week I'll be a crying mess again. Today, for now, I'm strong and think I can find my way back into my life. Good luck to you. I really hope you find your peace.

[PinkToes]

I totally get the stuff that's made it harder for you to let go. The analogy of telling someone with an eating disorder to "just eat" is a good one, because I've had people tell me I've got no reason to be depressed. And they're right, of course. If only it were that simple. Our brains are extremely complicated.

 

I have another suggestion, besides Gloria the Goldfish. Make some lists.

 

Make a list of all the things about you that are really cool. Include positive human traits as well as accomplishments. Everything you're proud of. Every cool things you've ever done. Don't stop until you get to 100, even if it takes awhile.

 

Make a list of what you want in a partner. Remind yourself that you deserve everything on the list.

 

Make a list of the things about Joe that fall short of what you want. Include the times you didn't feel the way you want to feel in a relationship. Include the stupid little annoying habits that you don't have to live with anymore. Draw a picture with arrows & exclamation marks, if that helps.

 

Any of these lists (or pieces of lists) can be written on really big paper and taped to the wall, so you see it every day.

 

People heal in different ways. Sometimes it starts with making up your mind to believe a certain way. Other times it helps to just get out there and fake it 'til you make it. For me, and perhaps for you, it helps to put stuff in black & white. You seem to have some negative thoughts about yourself that don't really hold water, and some positive thoughts about Joe that he may not deserve.

 

Perhaps writing some of this down in a way that gets in your face every day will help you see a better truth.

[broken_promises]

Great suggestions, Pink! Here's a similar list-type thing that I just did with a friend... it helped somewhat... you get a friend who knew you and the relationship with your ex all the way through. Get a pen/paper and play the "really great guy" game.

 

So, for me, I start second-guessing and doing the whole "but he was a really great guy" thing when, the reality is that I have been unhappy and bitching to my friends about it for a long time.

 

So, you go through and you start a sentence with the "great guy" slant... whatever has been rolling through your head to make you regret the breakup or seeing the relationship with rose-colored glasses. Then, your friend FINISHES the sentence for you.

 

Here were a few of mine:

ME: "We loved spending time together..."

FRIEND: "when he wanted to and when it didn't conflict with his plans."

 

ME: "We both wanted to move closer to Boston and be committed..."

FRIEND: "but the reality of it made him panic, broke his promise to you, didn't follow through, and left you in the lurch."

 

ME: "He was smart, funny, and had great taste in music..."

FRIEND: "and was also selfish, a workaholic, and didn't care about your feelings."

 

I can't say it is a magical cure, but it helps to see that your ex wasn't everything that your mind can make him out to be when he isn't there.

[sedgwick]

Well, today is the official two-year anniversary of the breakup, and I'm staying strong and not contacting him. I figure if I really love him, I'll give him what he wants, which is a life without me. But it's tough, and I'm very sad. I really miss him and still love him so much.

 

I know I do need to try to admit he's not the love of my life, but it really feels like he is. With the exception of my first love, I've never felt this way about another human being. I adore him, and I'm jealous of the people who get to have his presence in their lives, because he's an amazing, funny, beautiful, talented person.

 

I think what I really need to learn, most of all, is that even if you do meet the love of your life, and you're not good enough for them, you can be happy alone. I need to focus on that rather than trying to convince myself I don't really love him -- I DO love him, and at 38 I don't have that same hope I had at 23 when my first love left me. Then, I just assumed I'd love again someday. Now, everybody's pretty much taken. All I have is myself, and I have to learn how to be happy with that.

 

As for the thing about writing down all my accomplishments, I've done that over and over, but all of them combined don't match up to playing the bass. Because I don't know anything about it, I have no way to assure myself that it's not the be-all end-all hardest thing to master on the planet, and that writing and dancing take similar amounts of talent and skill. Music is the great unknown.

 

Man, I really want today to be over! Maybe the third year without him will be a little easier. The second wasn't much easier than the first, but it was a little, so I'm hoping maybe the next 12 months will be a tiny bit better. We'll see how much it hurts at this time next year. I'm seriously considering starting music lessons just to try to get some sort of grip on exactly how hard it is, so I can more effectively compare it to what I do. I wouldn't be doing it to get him back; I'd never let him know, of course. It would just be for me, to give myself some kind of gauge, and a tool for answering all these unanswered questions that have been tormenting me for two years.

[fabulous_chk]

Sedg, I'd take ecstasy and cuddle with a guy. I seriously did this - I took half a tablet, never having tried it before, and before long I was sublimely happy and in love with the guy who was holding me. It was the funniest thing ever. I didn't have a single thought about the ex.

 

 

(I actually don't advocate taking illegal drugs but if I were in her shoes and still hung up over a guy she hasn't seen in two years, wow I'd take ecstasy again).

[PinkToes]

As for the thing about writing down all my accomplishments, I've done that over and over, but all of them combined don't match up to playing the bass.

 

This is why I mentioned the other positive things about you, like human traits. Because if he did leave because you can't play the bass (which I doubt, as you know), that's a really stupid character flaw on his part, so you win that one, hands down.

 

If nothing else, at least the day is nearly over. How'd you decide to reward your survival?

[sedgwick]

Heh...ecstasy, huh? Get this: I tried it once about 10 years ago, and it did NOTHING because I'm on antidepressants!! So that's out, unfortunately. I did feel like smoking a lot of pot today, but I'm trying to cut that out so I stayed sober. It was good for me to do so -- just another sign that I'm strong enough to get through a really tough day in which the person who made me cry more than I've ever cried in my life, made me cry again.

 

Which means that yes, I did finally have a sobbing fit tonight, as I expected might happen. I talked to him for a long time while I cried (not the real him, the imaginary him.) I do that a lot -- I still talk to him pretty much every day. I tell him about things I've seen that I know he would have liked, I tell him I love him before I fall asleep, I tell him I'm sorry for not being what he needed, and sometimes I just thank him for teaching me what unconditional love really is. I tell him how much I want him to be happy, and that I hope he's playing music at that very moment and laughing and smiling and dancing. I know nothing in the world makes him as happy as music (unless he's found his fiddle player, in which case I'm sure she makes him happy in ways I never could), and I want that happiness for him. I want him to have a beautiful life, because he's a beautiful person. And if, somehow, when he's down, he can feel how much love I'm sending out into the universe for him, that makes me happy. That's all I can give him, besides a life free of me, the life he wanted.

 

I like to think, sometimes, that maybe just once when he told me he loved me, he wasn't lying, even if only for that moment. I like to think that maybe for one second on one night when he told me how good the sex was, he meant that too. I gave him absolutely everything I had to give, and I worked hard to be the best partner and lover I'd ever been to anyone. It still wasn't good enough, but at least I gave it my all. And maybe someday I'll find someone for whom it will be good enough, though I'm certainly not holding my breath.

 

I didn't do anything to celebrate or commemorate, I just stayed home alone. But I am going to visit a friend out of town this weekend -- it's his birthday, and it will make me feel good to take him out to dinner and bake him a special cake. Knowing that I still have something to give to someone is very comforting to me.

 

Oh, and I got an email from my editor today approving some changes I asked to make to the book. Given how difficult she is to please, it was like getting a bear hug from a normal person. So that was a little ray of light in a tear-filled day. This book is about surviving my own mental illness and eating disorder, and every day when I sit down to write, I try to think of someone reading it and being inspired to change their life for the better. All I really want (besides Joe back, of course) is to make the world a more beautiful place for other people. I want to help people heal and laugh and keep on living even when it's hard. Even though I couldn't make life more beautiful for the person whose dreams I wanted to embody, the person to whom I wanted to give my love and support for all his days, I can do a little penance for that failure if I devote my life to helping people get well.

 

If nothing else, at least I know I can cry more than I ever thought possible, for longer than I ever thought possible, and get through it. I like knowing I have that kind of strength.

[tinke]

Sedgwick, you seem to focus your worth on your personal accomplishments. You don't have to be or do anything spectacular to be worthy. Finding that inner peace and acceptance of oneself is very attractive, it is not based on external achievements.

 

I would have to agree with previous posters that you choose to stay in this turbulant cycle. I know you will say that you do not know how to leave it behind, but a good start is by intentionally swaying those thoughts to something else. Break the HABIT of thinking of him, talking to him, etc., he is not listening. If you truly WANT to move forward, it is a constant push to do so.

 

Think about it, how long do you want to grieve this and miss out on today? Only YOu can make the change!

[northstar1]

Heh...ecstasy, huh? Get this: I tried it once about 10 years ago, and it did NOTHING because I'm on antidepressants!! So that's out, unfortunately. I did feel like smoking a lot of pot today, but I'm trying to cut that out so I stayed sober. It was good for me to do so -- just another sign that I'm strong enough to get through a really tough day in which the person who made me cry more than I've ever cried in my life, made me cry again.

 

Which means that yes, I did finally have a sobbing fit tonight, as I expected might happen. I talked to him for a long time while I cried (not the real him, the imaginary him.) I do that a lot -- I still talk to him pretty much every day. I tell him about things I've seen that I know he would have liked, I tell him I love him before I fall asleep, I tell him I'm sorry for not being what he needed, and sometimes I just thank him for teaching me what unconditional love really is. I tell him how much I want him to be happy, and that I hope he's playing music at that very moment and laughing and smiling and dancing. I know nothing in the world makes him as happy as music (unless he's found his fiddle player, in which case I'm sure she makes him happy in ways I never could), and I want that happiness for him. I want him to have a beautiful life, because he's a beautiful person. And if, somehow, when he's down, he can feel how much love I'm sending out into the universe for him, that makes me happy. That's all I can give him, besides a life free of me, the life he wanted.

 

I like to think, sometimes, that maybe just once when he told me he loved me, he wasn't lying, even if only for that moment. I like to think that maybe for one second on one night when he told me how good the sex was, he meant that too. I gave him absolutely everything I had to give, and I worked hard to be the best partner and lover I'd ever been to anyone. It still wasn't good enough, but at least I gave it my all. And maybe someday I'll find someone for whom it will be good enough, though I'm certainly not holding my breath.

 

I didn't do anything to celebrate or commemorate, I just stayed home alone. But I am going to visit a friend out of town this weekend -- it's his birthday, and it will make me feel good to take him out to dinner and bake him a special cake. Knowing that I still have something to give to someone is very comforting to me.

 

Oh, and I got an email from my editor today approving some changes I asked to make to the book. Given how difficult she is to please, it was like getting a bear hug from a normal person. So that was a little ray of light in a tear-filled day. This book is about surviving my own mental illness and eating disorder, and every day when I sit down to write, I try to think of someone reading it and being inspired to change their life for the better. All I really want (besides Joe back, of course) is to make the world a more beautiful place for other people. I want to help people heal and laugh and keep on living even when it's hard. Even though I couldn't make life more beautiful for the person whose dreams I wanted to embody, the person to whom I wanted to give my love and support for all his days, I can do a little penance for that failure if I devote my life to helping people get well.

 

If nothing else, at least I know I can cry more than I ever thought possible, for longer than I ever thought possible, and get through it. I like knowing I have that kind of strength.

 

What struck me is that you are still having imaginary conversations with your ex boyfriend from 2 years ago.

 

In all fairness, how can you expect to move on and find someone new to love, if you are deliberately keeping him in your daily conciousness by talking to his 'ghost'?

[fabulous_chk]

sedg, i think you should see him again. I think you put him in a pedestal. the reality might wake you up.

[PinkToes]

What struck me is that you are still having imaginary conversations with your ex boyfriend from 2 years ago.

 

This is the part that concerns me, because it seems like a concrete change you could make even without trying to put your feelings aside or cope with what feels like rejection and inadequacy. Perhaps making a conscious choice to stop fueling the fire would help cut those emotional ties.

[sedgwick]

I know it's weird that I talk to him, and I know I need to stop it. There's this weird part of me that feels compelled to keep sending him some kind of love, because I promised I'd always love him and no one else. I can try to stop, I suppose.

 

As for seeing him again, I would assume that he doesn't want to see me. It's not like he's asked. When he called me a year ago, I thought he might be calling to ask to see one another, but instead it would seem he just wanted to talk about himself and his music. When I asked why he was calling me, he said, "Oh, y'know, I just wanted to stop being such a recluse and get in touch with some people I hadn't talked to in a while, and you were first on the list!" Apparently he has a) no desire to see me, b) no desire to talk to me about anything but himself or music, and c) no desire to get back together with me. The chain of events was literally this: he dumped me, had sex with me, put on his pants, dropped my keys on my desk, grabbed his bass, and left (that was the last time I ever saw him); two months later we spoke on the phone and he was cold and cruel and said, "I can't believe you of all people don't realize things change," and left me sobbing; 10 months later I got the phone call I wrote about above. Since then, not one word, and that was 13 months ago. I doubt he even remembers me, honestly, and I'm not going to call him and remind him and try to get him to see me. I may be nuts but I do have some pride and some sense of self-preservation.

[PinkToes]

I get that part about wanting to send him love. Maybe try to stop the ongoing conversations, and when you feel compelled to send positive thoughts, be very brief, and always finish it with, "....and I am letting you go." Then move on; think of something else.

 

And by the way, I do think you deserve a lot of credit for maintaining no contact. Really.