The Friend issue

[adzent]

Ok so ive been with my girlfriend for 5 months, almost 6 now, , and we are the loves of eachtohers lives. We both now this, we have a great time, anytime. The past months have been amazing, but a week ago her best friend sent her a rather mean text, saying that she has changed and she doesnt now her anymore, and that she never sees her. I could tell it hit her, and i talked to her about it. She said she misses her firneds, but would prefer to spend time with me (as vice versa).

Now yesterday, shereceived mail of her friend, saying that she doesnt now her, shes never there for her, all their past times and how they had so much fun. Now my girlf feels guilty, and really wants to see her. She has cried over it, and i have comforted her, at least ive tried, and she wants to see her best friend more. I felt that this was my fault and my responsibility, so i uped myself and told her, "its me, i feel guilty. I love you so much and i would do anything to make you happy, even if that means giving you up". I obviously overreacted, but i take it upon myself that she doesnt see her friend, as she wont say no to me when i as her to go out.

 

I feel like sh*t, after i told her she was crying her eyes out, i didnt end it, honeslty i dont think i ever coul dbecause it would kill me inside to loose her. I just dont now what to do. I get the feeling of jelousy, you now, as if she is being taken form me, and i now i shouldnt so i havent told her this, but is this not natural ?

 

I feel bad, im blaming myself, i want her to spend time with her firends but i dont... it's hard.

 

 

If anyone has experiences like htis, or advise, please help me out. I love her with all my heart and soul, and we need to get past this. We are trying to sort it, like she should see he rfirned at least once a week, but i could use personal advise for personal comfort.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Adzent - I totally get where you're coming from. It can be intoxicating and exciting to spend ALL your time with someone that makes you feel that way. I had that with my XH. I wanted to be around him all the time. It didn't matter what was going on around us, I wanted to be hanging out with him.

 

In hindsight, I really think it was unhealthy. Not the DESIRE to want to be with him, but to actually surrender to it. It's important to remember that you fell in love with this girl who was who she was before you came into the picture. I think the time spent apart can make the time back together all that much more exciting. The first like 6 months of my relationship with my XH, was long distance. We were FORCED to be apart and really, it was SO EXCITING getting to see him after those breaks. Yeah, it's hard to be apart. But just think about the fireworks when you get back together.

 

Let the leash go a little bit. Encourage her to see her friends - they are part of who she was before you two got together. If you're truly secure in the relationship, giving her some room is a gift to show her that you trust her. So even though she'll accept all your invitations to hang out with you, encourage her to go have some girl time.

[adzent]

Should she really be pressuring her and making her feel bad as she is her best friend? maybe its for the better, i had a feeling it was coming, but today she was with me, and her friend came over her house unexpectedly, so she left me on my own in her room for like an half hour talking to her, so that pissed me off, you now, how ****ing ignorant. Your with me, not her, i now she walked down buyt she shouldve given some advanced warning. Then my girlf pops in the bedroom door (where she left me, so i just stuck on top gear and sat their happily..) and asks me if she can go out later!

I was pissed off by this, but what the hell am i going to say? No you cant? no, so i just said yea of course it is. Whatever. So her freind goes and by this time im pissed off pretty badly, so i just sat there quietly for an hour watching the rest of top gear (1 hour long) and then watched another one. She turned to me and kept saying your in a mood wth me, why? and i was like, no im not..i was obviously, she new this, and she said why arent you talking to me? so i decided to put my foot down, i said "listen i was watching this when you were out there talking, dont expect ot just come back in here after being out there for so long and for me to give you all my attention. i started doing something, you took too long, so now your going to have to wait.", believe me i could have been a heck of a lot harsher than that. we went on to make up, and she went out with her friend. I texted her a couple times, and she ended upo saying that her friends are leaving her at 7. So i didnt really want to, but id seem a twat if i didnt, so i asked her to just come over my house. She did so, but i got the feeling of being used, and i was pissed off again. It feels like im second best, and im just pissed off that she thinks she can just leave me in the middle of the day and think ill be fine.

 

 

We havent really had bad problems, like 2, and i dont want them but she causes them, inadvertantly of course, she is wonderful. But i get the feeling of being used, second best, and she just pisses me off completely, i mean how ignorant can you get. She stood in her hallway whispering to her friend, talking, and laughing for like 30mins-1hour. So i just said what i did, because imo that is rude and ignorant, and pretty darn mean. Im pissed off with her, but i still have sympathy and i want her to go out with he rfrineds, just not in the middle of the day when your with me, you now? FFs. I love her, and i wont let this bother me, or i wont let her now about it bothering me, i would just like some help, personally, fo rme to have some comfort. i may even confront her about it if she does it again, with full force of my feelings.

[13arkansas]

Sorry but this sounds wrong...she's just hanging out with her friends. What is wrong with you to get jealous about her hanging out with her friends and having fun with them? She even ASKED YOUR PERMISSION to go hang with her friends and you're still not happy? Besides you said you were happy with that and then sat there sulking for ages - dude, if you are unhappy about something come out and say it, do not expect her to read your mind, and the sit there passively aggressively punishing her.

 

Sorry but I think you have some issues to sort out with your wanting to monopolise all her time-that's controling. She should be hanging with her friends-it's healthy.

[Phateless]

Dude, you need to get a grip. You can take one day off a week so she can see her friends and you can see yours. What's the big deal?

 

And offering to end it? That's insane!

 

Are you aware that between 0 mph and 100 mph is a lot of room? You just went from 100 mph to 0 mph. Why not give 80 mph a try?

[adzent]

I totally agree with giving her time and space, i never said otherwise. I just feel that she should not have left me half way through the day when i was with her just becaus eher friend decided to show up, it makes me seem like second best. im not bothered if she goes out with frineds, but she should plan it first not just leave me when im already with her, i would never do that to her...

[SoulSearch_CO]

Chrisakes, Adzent. Get a ****ing grip. How somebody treats you should not define who YOU are so much. She's been spending nearly every waking moment the last 6 months with you. What in the hell is 30 mins? Calm down. I think you're being posessive and jealous. NOT attractive qualities. You keep this up and you WILL lose her. Nobody puts up with being controlled forever.

 

You think she made a selfish choice. I disagree when she's given you every spare moment of hers the past several months. Or don't those count because they're in the past? If this were a chronic problem with her, I'd agree you have something to be pissed about. This is ONE occurence after blowing her friends off for MONTHS...for YOU.

 

Rather than going straight to pissed, how about trying to communicate with her? Sure, your feelings may be hurt and there's nothing wrong with that, but the level of rage you're displaying is extremely unhealthy. You could try, "I know you've missed out on spending a lot of time with your GFs these past 6 months because we've been together. I have totally loved spending that time with you. It's going to be a little bit of an adjustment to step back on time spent together. So I just have a request - could you give me a little notice so I don't think you and I will be spending time together and you end up hanging out with someone else? I feel a little tossed aside when that happens. Like, for instance, if your GF shows up again like that while you and I are together, could you ask her to come back in an hour so you two can talk? I deserve to have my time respected and would like to be able to plan ahead to do something fun when you're off doing your thing."

 

Try communication rather than straight up confrontation. Confrontation won't get you anything productive...just lots of hurt feelings.

[adzent]

Chrisakes, Adzent. Get a ****ing grip. How somebody treats you should not define who YOU are so much. She's been spending nearly every waking moment the last 6 months with you. What in the hell is 30 mins? Calm down. I think you're being posessive and jealous. NOT attractive qualities. You keep this up and you WILL lose her. Nobody puts up with being controlled forever.

 

You think she made a selfish choice. I disagree when she's given you every spare moment of hers the past several months. Or don't those count because they're in the past? If this were a chronic problem with her, I'd agree you have something to be pissed about. This is ONE occurence after blowing her friends off for MONTHS...for YOU.

 

Rather than going straight to pissed, how about trying to communicate with her? Sure, your feelings may be hurt and there's nothing wrong with that, but the level of rage you're displaying is extremely unhealthy. You could try, "I know you've missed out on spending a lot of time with your GFs these past 6 months because we've been together. I have totally loved spending that time with you. It's going to be a little bit of an adjustment to step back on time spent together. So I just have a request - could you give me a little notice so I don't think you and I will be spending time together and you end up hanging out with someone else? I feel a little tossed aside when that happens. Like, for instance, if your GF shows up again like that while you and I are together, could you ask her to come back in an hour so you two can talk? I deserve to have my time respected and would like to be able to plan ahead to do something fun when you're off doing your thing."

 

Try communication rather than straight up confrontation. Confrontation won't get you anything productive...just lots of hurt feelings.

 

 

 

 

Yeah i completely over reacted, and when i posted i had a few drinks...stupid of me huh. I have never shown any aggression towards her, i never will, i just overreacted and i sulked, it's what men do..sulk.. Anyway weve talked, and she has said it wont happen again, and she will plan ahead before instead of just leaving half way through the day. I completely understand and agree with her spending time with her friends, in fact i actively incourage this with her, as i have told her many times. The problem is sorted anyway more or less, thanks guys for making me see how stupid i was being. guess i was caught up in my own anxiety to realise.

[adzent]

Ok since we got my little rant out of the way, ive realised it and i ve always wanted her to go out more with her friends, but listen to this:

Ok so today she went out with her friend, shopping abit and some other stuff, but i didnt now anything (this didnt bother me) , but i was rather bored so i texted me girlfriend, just you now, aasking what she was doing and all, and after 2 texts, each of which only had 4 or 5 words, she said she is having food shel text me later. So, 8 hours later, without her texting me, i texted her cause i was wondering why she didnt text back, she was ill and went home, but phoned me saying she forgot, then we got deeper into it and she THEN said that her friend was saying stuff like "could you sto texting him?! your with him alot and when your not your texting him! you ignore me!". Now, first off she lied to me, so i was a little annoyed by that, but also her friend pissed me off. Its not like i was going to text her all day, it was just a couple of texts of interest, and she only put about 4 or 5 words which would take mere seconds, so why the **** is her friend being like this?

 

I think it's rather childish, i understand what her friend was saying, and if i was texting her paragraphs and stuff and more than like 3 texts fair enough, but come on, it was 2 short short texts. I thought she was a tidy girl until my girlf todl me this, and now im abit annoyed to be frank.

 

Guys, dont take this as me overeacting because i so am not, this is my opinion on things, heck my girlf agreed with me that it was childish and i was like " oh why didnt you tell her then", but she didnt and just stopped texting me. My opinion is friends shouldnt do things liek that, and she was out of order to say that my girlf was ignoring her when they spent all day together and i sent 3 small texts.

 

Please tell me im not being stupid and im right, because i think what my girlf's friend did was quite wrong in many aspects.

[Yamaha]

You need to chill. If the friend is jealous your girl will see this and make a decision on who she wants to spend her time with . If you push things or tell her to make a choice it will go badly for you. Wait it out.

[Phateless]

Ok since we got my little rant out of the way, ive realised it and i ve always wanted her to go out more with her friends, but listen to this:

Ok so today she went out with her friend, shopping abit and some other stuff, but i didnt now anything (this didnt bother me) , but i was rather bored so i texted me girlfriend, just you now, aasking what she was doing and all, and after 2 texts, each of which only had 4 or 5 words, she said she is having food shel text me later. So, 8 hours later, without her texting me, i texted her cause i was wondering why she didnt text back, she was ill and went home, but phoned me saying she forgot, then we got deeper into it and she THEN said that her friend was saying stuff like "could you sto texting him?! your with him alot and when your not your texting him! you ignore me!". Now, first off she lied to me, so i was a little annoyed by that, but also her friend pissed me off. Its not like i was going to text her all day, it was just a couple of texts of interest, and she only put about 4 or 5 words which would take mere seconds, so why the **** is her friend being like this?

 

I think it's rather childish, i understand what her friend was saying, and if i was texting her paragraphs and stuff and more than like 3 texts fair enough, but come on, it was 2 short short texts. I thought she was a tidy girl until my girlf todl me this, and now im abit annoyed to be frank.

 

Guys, dont take this as me overeacting because i so am not, this is my opinion on things, heck my girlf agreed with me that it was childish and i was like " oh why didnt you tell her then", but she didnt and just stopped texting me. My opinion is friends shouldnt do things liek that, and she was out of order to say that my girlf was ignoring her when they spent all day together and i sent 3 small texts.

 

Please tell me im not being stupid and im right, because i think what my girlf's friend did was quite wrong in many aspects.

 

Sorry dude this is all you, you are killing it. She is with you ALL THE TIME and when she finally spends time with her friend you text her 3 times in 8 hours.

 

She took the day off from you. Quit bugging her and do something for yourself that's unrelated to her. Go to the gym, see your friends, wax your car, play playstation, go see your family.

 

Do SOMETHING other than bugging her. If you give her time to miss you it will be so much better when she comes back.

 

*shakes head*

 

You are one insecure kid. Get a grip!

[paddington bear]

To be honest, you sound very controlling. She's probably afraid to go and see her friends because it will annoy you, even if she wants to. She should be free to come and go as she pleases without reference to you, as you should be too. Being in a couple does not mean that each party loses their own identity.

 

Put yourself in her friend's shoes. She hasn't had one moment with her girlfriend for months. Finally you 'allow' your girlfriend some girl time, but then don't really allow it, you have to butt in on that time with constant texts. That is of course going to annoy the friend, that she can't even spend a few hours with her girlfriend after months of not seeing her without interruption from you.

 

Why can't you just allow your girlfriend to be with you sometimes, and sometimes not, to have experiences outside of you and then have the joy of sharing what happened with each other when you were apart. If you are the loves of each other's lives, well then you have the rest of your lives together, cut her a little slack and go and find something else to do when she's unavailable to you. The more you try to hold on to her and control her, the more you will push her away.

[lora22]

Um...HOLY WOW.

 

If I were the friend who'd been blown off for months for you, and I finally got to hang out with my friend and you texted her (and she texted back!) I'd flip my s**t too. Good God.

 

Everyone in this thread is dead on.

[Phateless]

To be honest, you sound very controlling. She's probably afraid to go and see her friends because it will annoy you, even if she wants to. She should be free to come and go as she pleases without reference to you, as you should be too. Being in a couple does not mean that each party loses their own identity.

 

Put yourself in her friend's shoes. She hasn't had one moment with her girlfriend for months. Finally you 'allow' your girlfriend some girl time, but then don't really allow it, you have to butt in on that time with constant texts. That is of course going to annoy the friend, that she can't even spend a few hours with her girlfriend after months of not seeing her without interruption from you.

 

Why can't you just allow your girlfriend to be with you sometimes, and sometimes not, to have experiences outside of you and then have the joy of sharing what happened with each other when you were apart. If you are the loves of each other's lives, well then you have the rest of your lives together, cut her a little slack and go and find something else to do when she's unavailable to you. The more you try to hold on to her and control her, the more you will push her away.

 

The first mistake I noticed, Adzent, is that you tried to negotiate. "It wasn't that many texts." Bad move. Never negotiate an argument. It felt like a lot, which means it was too much.

 

Her taking time away from you DOES NOT mean she doesn't want to be with you.

 

Listen to us, do not try to argue or negotiate with us. Trust us.

[adzent]

i dont control her, she asked me to text her the day previous. jesus christ, i gave my honest opinion that her friend shouldnt say things like that over 3 texts, i never would.

[New Again]

i dont control her, she asked me to text her the day previous. jesus christ, i gave my honest opinion that her friend shouldnt say things like that over 3 texts, i never would.

 

But what everyone else tried to point out, that you're not getting, is your gf's friend loves her too, and misses her, and wants to spend quality time with her too.

 

The friend has been missing out on seeing your gf for several months, while the gf is spending every spare second with YOU.

 

It's understandable that the friend would be upset that her time (finally!!) was interrupted by your back and forth communication with your gf.

 

And I find it hard to believe that you wouldn't make a big deal about that, based on your previous posts. You were upset that your gf didn't contact you for several hours while she was with her friend. It's basically the same thing. You and the friend are both jealous and annoyed at time your gf spends with someone else. It just happens that YOU get the bulk of your gf's attention.

 

Sounds like a wicked unhealthy dynamic to me.

[Phateless]

Adzent - you got defensive at the the things we were saying to you. That means you know on some level we're onto something. Calm down, just trust us and watch what happens.