alexa137 Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 how long is considered " normal" wait time to have sex with a new person you are dating? A guy i have been seeing for about a month is pressuring me and now since i told him i was waiting because i have been in so many bad relationships has decided to move on-even though he is still thinking of me and wishing i would give him a chance and so on...hes a nice guy, makes me laugh and smile everyday but i am a little weary of his social/sexual background and accomplishments (dont know another word right now)-he has 2 small children(same age diffferent mothers) and now a chick(stripper) he had a one night stand with in another city is saying the child she has is his- with the past i have had and how i know my feelings change i am really starting to take notes on men more and more- i am now pissed off because i told him that i didnt want a relationship , because of all the drama in my past and now he doesnt really speak to me and i think thats ignorant! especially since he owes me $250 a month for me selling him my jeep and the insurance I guess i am kinda stuck and i did tell him that i thought it was wrong i told him we could still be close friends and hang out, like lunch etc am i being a prude?
kizik Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 He sounds like a winner. Marry this man. Seriously, drop the ZERO and get with a HERO!
CD111 Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 This guy totally sounds like trouble. If the guy was really into you for who you are he wouldn't mind waiting a bit for sex. I think you just dodged a bullet. As for the $250. That's too bad, I highly doubt he will pay up.
LovieDove24 Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 You should NEVER have sex before you are ready for it. And a man who really RESPECTS you will be ok with that whatever the length of time. There are many many men who are not willing to wait for sex. But also there are many who will. I am like you and am being extra careful with the men I choose...it is not a mistake although our loneliness can sometimes tell us otherwise. I think you just saved yourself a world of heartache by setting some good boundaries. Congrats.
Enema Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 You both have different timeframes for what you think is acceptable before having sex. Just because he isn't prepared to wait for you to set the rules on this doesn't make him a bad person, or wrong. Him owing you money is a different story, but you have no right to feel offended because he's not playing by your timetable.
Cora Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 There is no "normal" time to wait to have sex. It's different for everyone. You should decide to have it when it feels right. If this guy was pressuring you for sex, it's a bad sign. If he moved on because you wouldn't sleep with him then he isn't a decent guy to begin with and it proves that's all he wanted.
kizik Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 he has 2 small children(same age diffferent mothers) Awesome! and now a chick(stripper) he had a one night stand with in another city is saying the child she has is his That's pretty sweet. he owes me $250 a month for me selling him my jeep and the insurance I guess i am kinda stuck That's cool, though. i told him we could still be close friends and hang out, like lunch etc Good for you for sticking by this Family Man's side. am i being a prude? Completely! Hey, has he written a book? I'd love to buy it.
carhill Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 especially since he owes me $250 a month for me selling him my jeep and the insurance Repossess the Jeep and be done with this guy. Tip: Do not enter into financial arrangements with potential or real romantic partners. That can wait until you're married As far as the sex part, follow what is your path as far as when intimacy becomes sexual and when sexual becomes intercourse. If the man is not on the same path, then you have your answer. There is no requirement; rather only agreement.
Author alexa137 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 its been like 2 months of talking and a few lunch dates-but just testing him=i told him that he doesnt fit my criteria-which i dont think is too much must have a job, car and own apartment/house, not more than 1-2 kids hes a really nice sweet goy and puts a smile on my face everyday with his comments but i kinda really cant have sex right now anyways because i am recovering from BV i have made so many mistakes in the past i just wish men didnt see sex as so important- i told him i like his company and hanging out and that when sex gets involved its gets messy and drama
utterer of lies Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 You should NEVER have sex before you are ready for it. And a man who really RESPECTS you will be ok with that whatever the length of time. I have to disagree on the 'whatever length of time' bit. Of course, both partners must be comfortable with having sex, but sex in an important part of any successful relationship, and if it's withheld (for whatever reasons) for too long, there's something wrong with the relationship.
Thaddeus Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 i just wish men didnt see sex as so important Sex is the fundamental foundation of a relationship. To see it as unimportant is to see the relationship as unimportant.
carhill Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 i just wish men didnt see sex as so important- i told him i like his company and hanging out and that when sex gets involved its gets messy and drama I'm going to be honest with you here. Most men see things like Thad does and I'll bet your dating partner does. They see physical sexual intimacy as the glue which keeps them in the relationship. Otherwise, to them, you're just another person and they'd likely rather being tossing back beers with the guys than be relating to you and all the differences you bring to the table. Sex makes that process desirable to a man. I'm not wired like that. I see it differently, as a continuation of the process of intimacy. You will not meet many men in your lifetime like me, and I doubt you'll ever find one who is compatible. Few women have found me to be compatible, because my philosophy of intimacy is so different and unusual to them; most cannot deal with it. They know how to deal with man with a hard-on. It's simple. Men, generally, are simple. Stroke his ego, make him cum and feed him and he will be a loyal companion, unless he's a womanizer (sorry about imperfection). Think about that, in marked contrast to your own psychology as a woman; the difference in psycho-emotional complexity. Now, imagine that complexity with a hard-on; you've described me. There's a reason I have over 10,000 posts in 18 months and can talk to women for hours non-stop, but still want to bang them. This is why I shared with you my advice to follow your own path. If you stray too far off your path to 'fit in', you will suffer the psychology of breaking, breaking fundamental parts of who you are and what you believe in. You will resent yourself. I did this and have done it for many years and wasted a large portion of an otherwise wonderful and productive life on it. Don't be me. So, back to the guy who has your Jeep and owes you 250.00 per month. If he hasn't paid you, go get the Jeep. Have sex when you want to have sex and are able to have sex. Date who you choose to date and discontinue dating those who you find to be unhealthy for or incompatible with you. I'll end this by sharing something with you that I've found with women.....women are so used to any physical contact with a man resulting in sexual intercourse that they immediately see evidence of such contact, and their reciprocation, as an inevitable progression to a penis being in a vagina. I'm here to tell you that doesn't have to happen and you can have wonderful physical intimacy without intercourse (or genital sex of any kind) ever happening. The key is how you view the process; how you feel about it. If you feel fear or apprehension or distaste, those views and those feelings send out signals. Think about that. Best wishes!
BentSpine Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 i just wish men didnt see sex as so important-Most men need sex precisely as much as women need to feel special. So if you want him to keep making you feel special, you're eventually going to have to give him sex. If you don't like sex, you should consider finding a man with a low sex drive. i told him i like his company and hanging out and that when sex gets involved its gets messy and dramaOf course you like to hang out with him: spending one-on-one non-sexual time with him fills a need in you, but not in him. It makes you feel secure in your relationship which is an important need in you. But you must realise that this is a sacrifice for him, he would rather drink beer with his buddies as Carhill suggested. The point is that he won't keep doing it unless it helps him get what he needs most of all: sex. It's your decision what to do with your body. At the same time he's not a bad person AT ALL for saying "No Deal" and looking elsewhere: You still have your body and he can still dedicate his time and effort to some other woman. If you feel tempted to judge him because of that, you actually feel annoyed that he didn't want to be bossed around by you. Or you are righteous to judge him shallow for needing sex.
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