Fayi Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Well, here's some history before I get to the actual question: I broke up with my ex a couple of months ago, it was hurtful, actually the whole relationship was just not healthy for me, and although I'm glad to be out of it we haven't exactly broken all contact with each other, yet. Once every blue moon he'll call me(sometimes in the middle of the night although I don't answer those times) claiming he wants to talk and I'd answer because I want to set things straight,and you know, end things in a nice way if possible. I've just felt obliged to answer, somehow. He'll say he wants me back, I'll say no, whereupon he'll get offensive, blaming me for screwing up his life etc, turning into a rude, self-centred bastard. So I realize that talking to him isn't going to solve anything and I'm not going answer any more of his calls, and that's that. Here's my question though: I'm dating someone now, it's quite new and I'm just curious, if things get more serious between us should I tell him about this? Or is that a bad idea? maybe I should leave the past behind me? no reason to mention anything at all? I mean, can you say to someone "I just got out of an abusive relationship" without things getting awkward? I want to be able to tell him where I come from but maybe it's not something to bring up during dating stage?
Thaddeus Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 To me, there are fewer things that are a big RED FLAG more than hearing about a potential partner's ex, especially very early on in the relationship. If you new man asks, then sure, but keep it short and free of drama. But first things first. Develop a good foundation where there's mutual trust and respect (and it seems you're already well on the way to that).
Ruby Slippers Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I broke up with my ex a couple of months ago... Once every blue moon he'll call me... I've just felt obliged to answer, somehow. He'll say he wants me back, I'll say no, whereupon he'll get offensive, blaming me for screwing up his life etc, turning into a rude, self-centred bastard. So I realize that talking to him isn't going to solve anything and I'm not going answer any more of his calls, and that's that. Two months is not enough time for a "blue moon" to come and go. You are still talking to your ex, which means you haven't truly begun to purge him from your life and heart. Abusive, negative relationships in particular take a long time to heal from. If you still want to talk about the ex with this guy, you're not ready for a new relationship. Have the courage to be alone for a while and truly heal, so you don't drag all that crap into the next relationship. If you insist on moving forward with someone else now, avoid talking about the ex. I believe in discussing previous relationships to the extent that the discussion can help keep both of you aware of possible sore spots and triggers, but really, you should navigate the aftermath sensitivity yourself.
Author Fayi Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 It was my plan to be alone for awhile now but when I met this guy I liked him and I just let things happen.. I have my suspicions that he already knows something(we have mutual friends so I'm not sure what he knows) because he's steered conversations in that direction but as long as he doesn't ask out loud I'll pretend like everything's rainbows and butterflies maybe you're right Ruby Slippers, maybe I shouldn't even date anyone to begin with right now, although I do like him and we're very compatible.. bad timing I guess.. Thanks for all your responses btw they really help
kizik Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 maybe I shouldn't even date anyone to begin with right now Yah. STOP dating this new guy. You're not ready. You're gonna break his f*ckin heart, the poor sucker, b/c you're gonna be thinking about the Ex all the time. NOT cool, and not fair to him, not to mention yourself.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Yah. STOP dating this new guy. You're not ready. You're gonna break his f*ckin heart, the poor sucker, b/c you're gonna be thinking about the Ex all the time. NOT cool, and not fair to him, not to mention yourself. I second that notion! Rebound relationships are typically bad news.
kizik Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I'm especially emphatic b/c I just got "rebounded" on. This girl started seeing me 2 weeks after she and Ex broke up. Didn't tell me 'till our third date. See ya! Girls - I know you like male attention. But don't be ENTIRELY selfish.
Author Fayi Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 I'm sorry to hear that happened to you Kizik, and yeah the last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt anyone, or use them but, uh.. I don't feel like I'm really looking for male attention and I'm very much over my feelings for my ex I don't think about him... but I do realize I'm still under the influence of my previous relationship... but wouldn't it be okay to just.. take things slow? It seems so extreme to just cut it off? But it could be that I'm just being selfish about it.. I don't have any particular experience with this sort of thing, so this might be a stupid question, but if I just take things slow, as they come, and be open and honest, couldn't it work? Or do you mean this thing with this guy is doomed to failure? I didn't think about it this way before but you posts made me see things a from a different prespective
kizik Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I'm very much over my feelings for my ex I don't think about him... but I do realize I'm still under the influence of my previous relationship... I don't think you're being honest with yourself. The above statements seem contradictory. Can you just tell the new guy this: "I like you, but I'm a bit confused about my ex... could I call you in a week or two once I've had some time to myself? I'd really appreciate it."
carhill Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 OP, once your ex really does call you 'once in a blue moon' (an average of 2.7154 years), and it doesn't affect you, you'll know you're really ready for a healthy intimate relationship. Realistically, it sounds like your ex is a classic abuser and I would heartily suggest changing your phone and other contact information. These guys have no boundaries of decency nor honor. Regarding new guy, I'm inclined to agree with kizik and others who have suggested you're not yet ready to date a compatible man. However, as you appear to be emotionally detached from your ex, perhaps some interaction is possible with good boundaries. One would be honesty, not about the details of your past R, but rather about your desire for a more topical and less intimate relationship. A like-minded man will understand and respect this. Men who are not interested will move on. That's OK. In relationships, timing is as much of a factor as compatibility and attraction. Make a proactive effort to excise your ex from your life. That should be job one. Best wishes
D-Lish Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I wouldn't dwell on the topic of ex's on a date! I will usually bail if I go out with someone and they bring up their ex- I see it as a red flag they are not ready to date. I went out with a guy from POF once- and he talked about his ex the whole time. I was annoyed by it- and I didn't go out with him again when he called. It's best to date when your mind is free and clear to do so.
Author Fayi Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 I think what you all say makes a lot of sense. I will stay away from intimate relationships and as far as the new guy goes I will stop the flirting on my part, for now. Like you said kizik, flirting right now is not a fair thing to do. I'll continue enjoying his company though, if he wants to hang out, but I'm not going to initiate anything. Oh, and I won't talk about my past with him for sure, in fact, I'll try not to even think about it, after all it's always better to look forward than look back and thanks again for all the advices and inputs
adzent Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Listen if your over him, and you have no feelings whatsoever for your ex, then it is the past. Not the present, not the future, the past. The one bad thing about the past is you cannot change it, no matter how hard you try. This relationship was not healthy for you, as you said, so it is best you leave it be. If you keep contact with him it may stir things up in your current relationship. Be careful not to make this guy a rebound guy, really think about it hard, and if i was you i would leave it out. If you feel you need to open up, give it time. You will grow alot closer if you are right for each other. This has happened to me, my current girl of 5 months was used before, and was actually in love, and still cried about it osmetimes. The guy was a pr*ck, and i had words with him, nothing physical of course. She opened up, and she told me that it felt so amazing that she could open up to someone that would keep it a secret form everyone, just someone she could talk to, i was that shoulder to cry on, and since ive tlaked to her about it, we had a deep, long conversation about it, she has never cried since. If you need too get if off your chest in the future, tell him. My view on things, which i was given by someone on this sight, and please heed these words: Every past event carved a notch into your life, as other past events would have with his, so eventually when you meet the notches match perfectly. Really, everything in the past made you into the person you are today, and if he cannot accept this then he doesnt deserve you. Of course on the other hand, if your not bothered at all, i would try to refrain (unless he asks you directly) form the subject of exes. I asked about it, and all it caused was jelousy and worry. thankfully i quickly go tover the hurdle, because i really am in love, and hopefully thing work out for you. Hope my insight helped in any little way it could, and good luck. teh decision is yours and yours alone, remember your past is your past, not your present or futuere.
boogieboy Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I think what you all say makes a lot of sense. I will stay away from intimate relationships and as far as the new guy goes I will stop the flirting on my part, for now. Like you said kizik, flirting right now is not a fair thing to do. I'll continue enjoying his company though, if he wants to hang out, but I'm not going to initiate anything. Oh, and I won't talk about my past with him for sure, in fact, I'll try not to even think about it, after all it's always better to look forward than look back and thanks again for all the advices and inputs Im sure this guy youre going out with isnt looking for a friend. If youre not going to tell him that you are not going to escalate things, and he want to, you will just frustrate him, so dont yuse him for company, that isnt right either. If you think you cant handle a new intimate relationship, you shouldnt be dating him at all. Worst part is you have to explain it to him, and see if he will roll with it.
385 Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 As a guy, I don't really care about your ex because I care about the relationship now. The only time you should talk about your ex is if he asks you about it - otherwise don't bring up your ex unless yall two are chillin and your ex calls, and your bf is like who's that. then you can tell him a little about your past and the problem with your ex.
lucy9216 Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I was actually in two mentally and physically abusive relationships back to back from eachother. The first one I actually married and had a child with him, so I still have to see him often. Total for both relationships was 10 years of dealing with abuse. While I was ending the relationship with the 2nd guy I started a new relationhip, this was definatley a rebound and I think I knew it at the time but I was being selfish I was not ready but I saw this guy as different there was a connection and he was a really nice guy. I ended up taking out alot of my previous relationship issues on him because I never took anytime to myself to heal as I should have. I did not even realize that I was doing this until it was too late, this guy was so nice though that he knew what I had gone through, I think he felt like he had to help me for some reason, and he stuck with me for almost 6 years and we had a child together too. He did leave me and now he is not even the person I remember almost 6 years ago, he is a total ******* now and I did that to him and I feel like **** for it! He screwed me over big time in the break up and maybe I deserved it. So basically yes you do need that time to yourself! a few months right now will be alot better than wasted years and hurting this new guy as your ex hurt you. It can happen I did it and I am reallly not a bad person, I am really ashamed of alot of things I did to this guy and you could end up doing this too without even realizing it. The only way to avoid it is again take the time you need in order to completely heal, then move on.
Author Fayi Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 I don't feel like an open, bleeding wound any more, but yeah it's not like I'm indifferent about all that's happened, but I sure am well beyond the point where I feel only resentment for my ex, although maybe that's not enough. It's tricky because I feel like I can handle it, but I have to admit I thought meeting someone new would speed up the recovery process but I suppose that's what you all mean by a rebound guy... So basically yes you do need that time to yourself! a few months right now will be alot better than wasted years and hurting this new guy as your ex hurt you. It can happen I did it and I am reallly not a bad person Thanks for sharing your story Lucy9216, and you're right I can really see how it can happen, even though I don't mean to hurt him I may end up doing just that. I will be seeing him around since we have the same friends but I'll leave him alone. I'll say something so he'll understand it ain't got nothing to do with him. I'll try. Because I want him, so it's a little hard to say that I don't want that when in fact part of me do, but I'll do my best because I'm almost entirely convinced it's the right thing to do. Anyhow, it's better to be safe than sorry. You know, I think it was great to be able to talk to all of you about this, since you can be truly objective and I appreciate it.
Kaizen Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Exes are CLOSED BOOKS. You can tell someone that they exist and that you have read them but they have no business knowing about them. (Unless there is a LOT of dust on them). I told my ex about my old ex. She has still not stopped being worried about her and we have broken up! I have no intention of even contacting my old ex and have not spoken to her in years. In fact, she avoids me. But that never mattered to my ex who still thought I was into her because I was together with my old ex for almost 4 years. (Another point here is that it depends on the person - secure people can handle the matter of exes much more elegantly).
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