MCON Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I have been separated in some way, shape, or form for a very long time (five years?) after 17 years and two children. I always carried this overwhelming sense of responsibility and the inherent desire to not leave a huge wreck in my wake. I could never be me in the relationship. Could never enjoy a moment of peace with her being a partner/friend. I should have stood up, said I was done, and left. Instead, I made life miserable for everyone involved by always leaving questions unanswered or lying to avoid the hurt. Two court dates went by and I didn't make it final. She was finally ready to face it or so she said. But I still had to step back and ask myself why I was doing it. Along the way I have fallen in love with someone else. So completely in love. I want to make a perfect life with her. And I wonder if that is why I couldn't finalize the divorce at that time? Did I not want the stigma attached to our relationship? Once the next court date comes around I hope to be able to look at this clearly and maintain the same level of honesty that I have recently found to be so liberating. After the second failed attempt, I explained everything in detail to everyone because I realized that without the truth, people fill in the blanks on their own.
LisaUk Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I want to make a perfect life with her. And I wonder if that is why I couldn't finalize the divorce at that time? No relationship is perfect, that is pure fantasy. Why can't you finalise your divorce, it sounds like it is because you are not sure that you should have given up on your marriage, because deep down you know no relationship is perfect, they all take work. Without more details though it's hard to say, who left who, did you leave for this OW? How old are you? What were the problems in the marriage etc?
Patrice Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I hear you .. I'm in the process now .. just getting legally separated this week. What's really holding you back?
Author MCON Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 LisaUK I am 43 now, 38 when I left. When I did leave the first time I used a lame excuse that I wanted to find myself. Really, I just never felt at home. My work had me gone through the years for months at a time, so when I was there I never connected with her.
Author MCON Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 Patrice, It is hard to put a point on it. I had everything aligned for a "neat" exit. But as time went on I watched everyone falling apart. Work, school, house,etc. I can only think that if I didn't drag it out, everyone would have rebounded that much sooner.
LisaUk Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 LisaUK I am 43 now, 38 when I left. When I did leave the first time I used a lame excuse that I wanted to find myself. Really, I just never felt at home. My work had me gone through the years for months at a time, so when I was there I never connected with her. So did you try to work things out?
LisaUk Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I'm sorry if my post sounded abrupt, I just re-read it! What I meant to say was that if you are unable to divorce and feel that something is holding you back, is it because you know deep down that you did not do everything you could have to try and work out the problems in your marriage?
Author MCON Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 So did you try to work things out? I never really wanted to. I played the role for a bit, but never put my heart into it. BTW- I have never been the type to communicate very much. I have been told that I need to talk to people more. Just these few posts have been very good for me.
LisaUk Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I'm sorry if my post sounded abrupt, I just re-read it! What I meant to say was that if you are unable to divorce and feel that something is holding you back, is it because you know deep down that you did not do everything you could have to try and work out the problems in your marriage? Do you think that your heart not being in trying then is the reason?
Author MCON Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 You may be right about not feeling like I gave her a chance. And then feeling like I was doing something cruel to her for my own gain made me feel more guilt. I start a counseling program next week and I hope I can get somewhere with it. Maybe I'll be able to move forward with my life one way or another. I even hope she will go see someone herself if she sees how it helps me.
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