Els Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Very bad few weeks for me. Insane stress on his part due to his course. Horribly clashing schedules. Today I only saw him for about 10 minutes before he went to bed, and he was all groggy and grumpy and practically falling asleep in front of me. I just know if we stick it out, we've a really good chance at a great future together. It's just a few more months. Next year will be better... we hope. He speculates that he'll be less stressed next year because they seldom fail people during their last year of med school (intern year). But it's hard. I think the main problem is that my mood is somehow tied up with how satisfied I am with our communication for the day AND his mood -- if he's in a good mood and we manage to have a nice talk I'm happy. Otherwise I'm not. I don't think it's good or healthy for me to be this way; but I always am whenever I care about someone. What do I do? What would YOU do??? How have you done it in the past??
Ashbash11 Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 oh I've been there.....many, many times. I can sympathize completely. We have our tough times too with my boyfriend's night schedule- he also gets cranky because he's tired and I get stressed because of school... The way we get through it is just to look past the present events and remember that at the end of the day, we love each other very much and if we broke up, we could not replace one another. I have to remind myself of this a lot lately, especially since I have been going through a tough time in my LDR, too. Also remember: this will not last FOREVER! That helps me, too. I am the same as you are: my mood is tied up with how satisfied I am with our communication. I try to deal with this by telling myself that we won't have amazing conversations everyday. That's not how life works. There will be good days and bad days... that's the nature of the LDR. You just have to try to go with the flow and remind yourself of why you are doing this.
hoping2heal Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I can also relate, if he's happy and in a good mood, I'm happy and in a good mood. If I'm happy and in a good mood, and find out he's stressed out or worried, I'M stressed out and worried. How do I deal with it? I just don't go anywhere. It's true, not every day is going to be a good day. That's the nature of the beast, but knowing that, I'm strapped in for the long haul. I love him, he's exactly who and what I want, and I'm not hardly about to let some bad days or fights deter me. He's too special and important. I am comitted to him for as long as he wants me to be. Comittment is more about the bad days then the good ones anyway. It's like that saying, how it's EASY to love someone when they are easy to love, that's not a choice you have to make. Comittment on the other hand, is much bigger than just being up for all the good times, for loving someone because they make it easy to do so. That is also, I believe why it is much stronger. It's those tough times that cement us together.
Island Girl Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Oh I've been there. For many years. And there was one period of 3 1/2 almost 4 months where EVERY conversation was bad. Even the ones that started off good went south before we got off the phone. Those were dark months for me. I was incredibly depressed. We couldn't get on the same wave length and I couldn't figure out why. Nothing he said was making sense. He was frustrated and my reaction to that would be instant anger. I know my reaction was due to the fear of what seemed to be happening because it was as if our relationship was suddenly after so long just holding on by a string. A very very thin one at that. I was also angry at this apparent shift in my husband after so very long and questioned whether he was truly in it for the long haul both on the phone (yeah THAT didn't help at all!) and when I was not speaking with him (which was quite often). We were plagued with phone problems for 6+ months -- and this period was in the beginning of that. That time was horrible. The constant miscommunication, which had never happened before, was horrible. We knew the paperwork would take quite a while. And I was seeking reassurances. So I'd question him and then his responses weren't exactly what I was looking for so it'd go down hill. And we had the extra bonus of the phone cutting out on one side or the other so a really expensive phone call that could only be a few minutes anyway ended up a counter-productive argument. EVERY SINGLE TIME FOR MONTHS. It was awful. Just terrible. There is no way around that. I was depressed. I cried in sudden outbursts. I felt lost at times and like all I had held onto was slipping away. I ended up talking to a good friend of mine about it and gave her word for word the last conversation and she let me know what he was trying to say - what his point was. That solved the miscommunication problem. But the phone problem was still there -- for many more months. This feeling that you are talking about doesn't happen to me anymore. It's weird because to some degree I think it was with me from the beginning. From when we first went LD and then so many years after. I think it was the fear that he wasn't as committed as I was and that the situation was going to be too much for him at some point. That it was just going to get too difficult and long -- that he'd give up. I didn't worry about ME - I knew I'd hang on - but on his side I just wasn't convinced that he was in it no matter what. Yes, he'd told me a million times. Yes, we'd gotten married and said vows to each other. But I still had a twinge of fear deep down that if it kept getting tougher or we were thrown some other curve ball (after having so many!) that he'd give up on the relationship, on us, and on me. At some point after that I stopped having any of the kinds of thoughts or moments. The fear even way down deep, just went away completely. I am just sure of us. I am sure he isn't going anywhere. 100% sure with no hesitation. After those really REALLY difficult months - and then making it through that well, we're stuck together for life. When we get into a heated discussion now - it is very easy to turn it around or simply hang up and I know - truly know - that it is just an argument and everything is still fine with us. We just had a rough conversation or a disagreement but he isn't thinking of giving up. I finally accept he is just as committed as I am. That nothing ever will tear us apart. Going through such a horrible time proved that I suppose. I mean, we had really bad things happen before. But we stayed together not even really being able to communicate for 6 months and then when we could get through for a few minutes they were fights. FOR 6 MONTHS. And still he didn't say "F*** IT!" Elswyth, you are going through the most challenging time you probably ever will face in your relationship. But I really do believe you will make it through it. He did everything he had to do to get there and see you. He spent money he didn't necessarily have and he spent all his time off with you. I see your posts and I just get the impression that he adores you. That he knows you are one in a million and he'd never find another like you. When you feel like that you don't walk away. You don't let go. You weather the storms. And I very much think that the two of you will. Just hang on as you have been. One more day is one more day closer -- one more day towards being together physically as well as in every other way. My husband and I don't exactly know when this is going to end. But we know one more day that goes by IS a day closer to that end whenever it may be. In the end THAT is how you get through it. Day by day. Keeping a firm grip on your commitment to the other and enduring the really hard days. It is just endurance that it boils down to.
Thaddeus Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Keeping a firm grip on your commitment to the other and enduring the really hard days. It is just endurance that it boils down to. Island Girl's got it figured out. She realizes, like all mature people, that love is a DECISION, not a FEELING. Props to you, IG. I wish more people had your insight.
Author Els Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 Thanks so much for sharing, guys. IG, you're right, he did so much just to be able to see me. I know I'm very lucky, and I'm not even questioning whether or not he's in it for the long haul. Consider me naive, but I just KNOW he won't just up and go if there's a hot piece of ass near him who wants him. He's given me every reason to believe him. And thats why I find it so funny when people state that the reason why they think (or 'know', according to some of them ) that LDRs won't work, is that no partner can be faithful like that. Gosh, if only that was the only, or even the main difficulty of LDRs.. I'd be thrilled! It'd be such a breeze! What I am worried about, though, is two things: 1. That we'll gradually drift away if this goes on for too long. It happened with an ex of mine. He just didn't see any importance in good daily communication. Eventually, we started talking less and less, and it came to a point where I didn't care even if I didn't hear from him for days. I didn't THINK about him for days, or at all in between calls. And that's when I realized it was lost, and broke up with him. But in reality we'd already been broken up months ago when the bond was lost. 2. That I'll push him away because this state of affairs is simply not satisfactory to me. I currently vacillate between: A) Feeling annoyed with him. Yeah I know you're tired, but when I'm tired I'm still almost never too tired to talk to you! I love to talk to you. Don't YOU like to talk to me?? Okay, you're tired and under a lot of stress and troubles. Then talk to me about that and we'll try to work through it! Oh right, you can't because you're a guy-guy, talking about it makes you feel worse, you'd rather retreat to your cave. Okaaay.. well you've been hibernating in there long enough. Feel like coming out to see the sunlight for once in the week? B) Blaming myself. To be honest, I have NEVER experienced the same kind of stress as he, and I think he's incredibly strong to still be able to keep going despite the pressure. He's failed an assessment this year through sheer bad luck, they have those every week. Failing another would entail him having to redo the year. That would screw everything: possibly his future (if he cannot afford to redo) and definitely our future (because even if he manages to redo, it'll be an extra year in waiting for us, since we're planning to both go to another country when we grad). So he has to be on top of his game ALL the time. So, I'm afraid that I'll just keep on making a fuss about it, and he'll get so frustrated that he'll think I'm being his ex all over again. They broke up because she was obsessed. Granted, I don't think I could ever even come close to her level, since she threatened suicide quite a few times. But still, I think he has this phobia of arguments; they used to argue a lot because she was dissatisfied with everything. I really don't think he could go through 6 months of arguments everyday and still stick in it the way your hubby did, IG. I don't think he should have to, not this early in a relationship (it's only been 1 year+). I'm also afraid that I'll cause him to fail because I keep bugging him to reach satisfactory levels of communication. Communication is all we have, dammit! But I definitely couldn't live with myself if I caused him to fail (it's 100k+ of our currency per year of his course). And I always try to hold back if he's near an exam, I'll definitely give him all the time to study that he wants. But he's ALWAYS near an exam and even if he's not studying he often doesn't feel like talking. Yet I can't talk to him about it because if those talks 'escalate' he might not be in the mood to study when he does plan to study!! It's true, I don't have enough endurance. I wish I had more. How does one go about getting more???
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