trippi1432 Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Where to even start....? My husband left this week, we have been married for a little over 3 years but have been together (cohabitating) for a total of 15 years. For the 12 years we were together before our marriage, it was chaotic....we fought, we criticized, we hurt each other and then we made up....over and over and over again. There were so many times that I just wanted our relationship to be over, but he would threaten to leave town and not see his kid ever again (something he knew that I feared because my ex did this to our daughter). He just would not let the relationship go even though I pointed out that we had nothing in common, I had my own dreams/ideals and he had his. He didn't want to own a home, cared less about financial stability/security...he would (still does) spend his paycheck before Monday and becomes a hair-trigger when he realizes he's broke. I would tell everyone who asked why we were engaged so long that I wanted to wait to get married until my daughter grew up and left home, but in reality, I just didn't know if I could spend the rest of my life with him. He did threaten so many times to leave me if I didn't marry him, but for years never made good on those threats. Then, after she grew up and left, I started looking at him differently. He was finally maturing. I followed my dreams and got the house and created that financial stability for us, oh...but now there is responsibility. For a couple of years, he even romanced me....wow, after many years. (This finally coming from a man who would open the door, walk thru and let it slam in my face while I carried our child and a diaper bag.) It took many years to "teach" him chivalry. Sigh, even with that, I relented and married him thinking...ok, if he has stuck with me for this long through all of our bad times, then he must really love me. For 2 years, it was pretty good even...it didn't really change us, we just took our relationship to the next step. Am I putting this all on him, no. I KNOW that I am hard to live with. I KNOW that I am demanding and I want the house decorated a certain way. I KNOW that I can live with chaos and I CAN make concessions when plans don't go accordingly. I also KNOW that my husband is OCD and a control freak as well. He's not as bad as "labels out" and "towels straight", but he is obsessive and suffers from germ phobia. Sometimes it only takes the smallest thing to set him off and he would become a screaming lunatic which set the whole family off, me, kids....even the flipping dogs would join in. I humorously labeled us the "Yelling Family" on the block, you know the one...the God-Awful Dysfunctional neighbors that you don't know whether to call the police due to a full out fight or just for disturbing the peace. (Just to note, I grew up in a family as an only child and never knew my mother and father even fought until they got divorced at the age of 12 - I never heard them yell at each other once - kudos to anyone who can accomplish this.) But, to make up for my short-comings, I designated the biggest spare room in the house as his man-cave to do with what he pleased. As our son hit his teen years, I would ask him to please not "buck" up to his father, I would give him his space when he came home from work and I would listen to him fuss about his job when he was frustrated, offer him advice on how to get ahead and make an impression, praise him for his accomplishments. When my job had me down (and my stress would get very high as a project lead on corporate projects), I was criticized for talking about it, yelled at even, told to quit if I didn't like my job. One problem, and maybe the center of the problem....that job paid the bills we have accumulated...his couldn't pay half of them. So, about 9 months ago I noticed that he was starting to withhold his affections for me outside the bedroom. Where he used to just give me a hug or talk to me, he stopped. He used to do nice things because he thought about me like call up my answering machine at work and play a song from the radio on it or set the coffee up the night before for me, even though he doesn't drink coffee....stopped. When he got home, he wouldn't come upstairs, instead he would piddle in the garage yakking on the cell phone to his family or sit in the office and watch Youtube videos of old 80's rock...for hours...then come up and go straight to bed. I love his family, they are wonderful people (his Mom and sister especially), but his nephews call him constantly and worry the dickens out of him, which typically sets him off into a bad mood making him snap at anyone and anything. We have even shut our home phone ringer off due to one nephew who will call at 2 am because he and his girlfriend fight. I would talk to him about it, we would make promises to do better on our relationship and in reality, neither of us would. So when my husband started talking about leaving, I told him to if this is what he thought he needed. I have never begged him to stay because I need him, he was in my life because I want him there. Maybe I am wrong, but I would rather be wanted than needed - need is so manipulative and sounds like an addiction. So, we split for a week back in February. Within 2 days he wanted to come back but I made him wait a few more days to be sure he really wanted to come back. Nothing changed....neither of us were going to walk on eggshells for this relationship. The final straw was my having to have a major surgery this month. I went ahead and made plans for my daughter to be home with me so it wouldn't put my husband out. As usual, he has obligations to his family (not this one, we are just the wife and kid) and his friends, betting pools and fantasy football. She would be here so he could work and not worry about me. I only asked him to at least take the day off for the surgery and stay in the waiting room at the hospital, even though our son, my daughter and mother were going to be there. There is just something about those wedding vows in sickness and health that makes me think it is a major "deal-breaker" to walk out on a spouse during something like this. So, 2 weeks before the surgery, my husband gets mad at me because I wanted to do something that I was interested in before I wasn't able to due to the surgery. Essentially, he over-reacted to the request and informed me the next day that he was going to leave me after I had the surgery. That just bowled me over and I asked him to leave before it....we went a week not talking to each other and then he just out of the blue grabs me up one day and says "all I wanted was an apology." So, 9 days after my surgery, I’m home….healing. My daughter is taking wonderful care of me and the recovery is going very well. My husband hasn’t a care in the world and he comes home this past Friday and even entertains us singing karaoke from downstairs. There is a layoff going on at his work and he even proudly shows us from upper management that he is safe in his job. Then our son sets him off. He bucks up to his father when he tried to lay down a grounding and his dad smacked him and rough-housed him some. I stopped it, without yelling, but diffused the situation with my presence. I talked to our son about not bucking up and then went to the bedroom to talk to my husband about what had happened. First words out of my mouth (I swear!!). “Are you alright?”. His response, “yes, but I’m leaving. I can’t handle him and we can’t get along either, I’m sick of this and I’m outta here.” Ok, at this point…I’m done. Basically I said fine, if this is what you want because I can’t live like this anymore either. I didn’t go in there to yell at him or fight, all I wanted to do was offer advice on not hitting….he’s still small enough to be put over a knee but too big for me to do it. I’ve been the disciplinary figure for 13 years and I need some help in parenting our son…sooner or later he is going to have to learn how to do it. The next morning, he still states he is going to leave and informs me that he has fallen out of love with me. He doesn’t know why or how, he just has. There it is, that fragile small band that I still had wrapped around my heart, that one thing that hadn’t broke yet….that one small shred of hope that the relationship could stand the test….SNAP!! It hurt enough that I have to coach my husband on how to be a husband and stand by his wife during this surgery, it hurt even more to have that verbal affirmation that the love was gone even though it was evident in his actions. He moved out Saturday, still has stuff to get, but physically left that day. He was planning on mowing the lawn on Monday, but showed up on Sunday (walked up into the house like he still lived here). I informed him that he had no right to just enter the house without announcing himself and took his keys. He acknowledges that he hurt me this time and it wasn’t his intention, but it doesn’t erase the fact that this is over, and this hurt cannot be undone this time. I’ve even thought about if we even tried counseling for a reconciliation, I will never be able to trust him again with my heart. It isn’t something I give freely, but when I do, it is with 100% conviction and I am fiercely loyal. I’m even still not convinced that he hasn’t got someone else in mind which may be a contributing factor to the unhappiness as well. Or maybe it’s a mid-life crisis during the last year of his 30’s…who knows, but it hurts…and I keep going through the emotions of being hurt and then being angry…I think more knowing that I wasted 15 years of my life on something so dysfunctional. With all of this, he even has the gumption to inform me that if I were unhappy during all those years, I could have taken out a protective order and left him back then….so it’s my fault for staying with him during all of his threats. One major lesson I have learned during this relationship is how to twist the knife once you plunge it in. What I didn’t learn from my parents on how to fight dirty, I learned from my husband. Thanks darling, for the education. By the way…you are right…I DO deserve better.
OP3Crimsin Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 There's something about an OCD person; they tick a little differently than most. I know because I have "touches" of that "syndrome" so I can sort of relate to this man. I am by no means taking his side and you have put up with him for quite awhile. There's an order in an OCD's life, and if that order or way of doing things is changed, their world turns upside down. To normal people it's small potatoes if something isn't aligned or folded properly or their hands aren't completely cleaned every 30 mins. but to them it's their thread that keeps them sane. He sounds like he's got it worse than me but not extremely bad either. When something isn't working out for me and I can't fix it, I TRY to go somewhere quiet and contemplate before I say or do something I will regret later. He vocalizes how distraut he is and takes it out on loved ones. On another note, men see life as challenges to overcome, to include marriage, or at least getting through the one day where all eyes are on you. After that, in their eyes, they've overcome the challenge and are completely clueless as to how to sustain a healthy marriage. I know because I messed mine up and heard the dreaded words from her, "I've fallen out of love with you." I am a very smart person; graduated school a year early, I work as a sort of swimming pool doctor diagnosing peoples problems and coming to solutions on keeping a pool clear and usable; problem is, nobody (except marriage counselors) goes to school to learn a marriage except by experiance. I will admit, I am pretty slow at learning what it takes to KEEP her happy, and am paying dearly for it. (see topic entitled "where do I go from here? I'm stuck!" on page three or four of the separation and divorce section). This guy seems childish and is using guilt amongst other means to achieve his way, but that's just it, it's still "His Way". Sounds like to me, he needs to see a marriage counselor along with a psychiatrist or anger management counselor to get his quirks under control. This is if you still see a means to a positive outcome. If you are done done, then there's your answer. Set up visits, divvy up property, and go find someone else or keep on being a good mother by yourself. Lemme know what you think of my response, and please, read mine and you may have an insight to my problem. Good luck.
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