HsMomma Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 While I can kind of see where CiK is coming from with the jealousy thing, I'm not at all jealous by nature. I trust my husband implicitly & he trusts me as well. Neither of us has, of course, ever given the other reason to feel differently, but I have always been a bit of a flirt...mild, LEADING TO NOTHING flirting...my husband knew that when we married. He laughs about it to this day. As an example so Dex doesn't come unglued on me: I went to Pep Boys to buy a head light bulb for my car. I have no earthly idea how to install one & for all my husband's talents with things like electrical, plumbing, etc., cars are NOT his forte! I went to the service guy & smiled sweetly & asked him in my most syrupy Southern drawl if he could possibly help me out & put the bulb in for me, which he promptly did at no charge. Does my husband think this is something to get all up in arms about? Nope, because he knows it (the mild flirtation) will go exactly nowhere. Also, I don't do even the mildest of flirting if there's any indication that the guy may take it in any manner other than harmless. And yes, before you ask, I have indeed done this in my h's presence. As I said, he finds it hilarious. So...while I personally don't get jealous or want my h being jealous, I guess I can sorta see both CiK's point of view as well as Reggie's.
Sal Paradise Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Thanks for all your input. After reading all your posts and thinking things through a little bit, I've decided iIm probably not going to do anything different from what I've already been doing -- which is, basically, nothing. Imposing some sort of boundaries or whatever when nothing has happened seems too "parental" for me. Everyone knows the rules. I will deal with situations as they come up as opposed to hypothetical ones. Does she think he's attractive? Yes, I know she does. Does he like her? Yes, he sure seems to. Is there a chance that they will fall in love and decide they have to be together? I suppose, but the much greater chance is that they won't. At some point, you just have to trust the person you married. Besides, if someone cheats and leaves you, it must not have been a very good union to begin with. I do trust my wife -- it's just that this is a nice, tall, pretty good looking guy who seems to have lots more in common with my wife than I do. (I realize it's ridiculous, but I'm so paranoid about revealing identities on here that I purposely stay away from specifics.) Perhaps to complicate your "analysis", let me add that I'm slightly concerned that she NEVER initiates sex and she will usually try to find any available excuse to avoid it (too early, too late, tired, the kids, etc -- the typical stuff). The sex we do end up having is actually pretty decent -- as far as both of us "reaching the promised land" but it's like she forgets this fact and each time we're back to square one. We do manage to have it about 2-3 times a month, which I know is more than some people on this forum, but that's still not really enough for me. Anyway, thanks for listening. (and replying.) The sex thing is a huge red flag. I think you're in denial. Is it possible nothing is going on between them? Sure but when you consider that you're basically in a sexless marriage how long do you expect that not to change? In otherwords if nothing has happened between them there is a better chance that it could because your marriage isn't healthy. My guess is that there are more problems in the marriage that you have either decided not to reveal or you're in denial about them as well. If you do nothing about the marriage and or this relationship of her's (which might not be physical...yet but could have crossed into an emotional affair) in 5 years you will look back and realize that you basically did nothing to fight for your marriage. You can't be a neutral party in your own marriage. You can't sit back and let life happen to you. That kinda attitude will hurt your marriage. You need to be proactive.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Does he like her? Yes, he sure seems to. What if it's as simple as, given the "iffy" state of his marriage, he's pursuing your wife? Are you OK with standing back "hands off" and watching that happen? Mr. Lucky
Reggie Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 If you have to "fight" for your wife's loyalty, is it really worth having? I would think it would be freely given if she loves you. You cannot force someone to love you. That would become exhausting over time.
HsMomma Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 If you have to "fight" for your wife's loyalty, is it really worth having? I would think it would be freely given if she loves you. You cannot force someone to love you. That would become exhausting over time.[/QUOTE] Not to mention having the same basic effect as bashing your head against a wall!
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 My question is -- is it possible for a man and woman to be close and remain just friends -- or is something bound to happen If anything, they might become 'emotionally attached' to eachother. As long as they both keep things on the straight and narrow, (not talk about feelings, or what if's etc) then it is possible. I do suggest that you and your wife go out as couples together with this guy and his wife. This way atleast a friendship will form between ALL of you and the chances will be less of an affair. Anyway, if you trust your wife and all seems OK, don't worry about it. I do have to ask, has she allowed you to see what they email/text about? If you walk into the room and she's texting/emailing him, does she hide her phone or close the window on the computer?
seibert253 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 If anything, they might become 'emotionally attached' to eachother. As long as they both keep things on the straight and narrow, (not talk about feelings, or what if's etc) then it is possible. I do suggest that you and your wife go out as couples together with this guy and his wife. This way atleast a friendship will form between ALL of you and the chances will be less of an affair. Anyway, if you trust your wife and all seems OK, don't worry about it. I do have to ask, has she allowed you to see what they email/text about? If you walk into the room and she's texting/emailing him, does she hide her phone or close the window on the computer? This is on the money. If her relationship with the guy is legit, she will freely be open about it. If she hides ANYTHING, and is not open and honest, then you've got MAJOR problems brewing.
California Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 She is contemplating an affair. If a woman is not initiating sex with her own husband, it is a very bad sign. If you want to give yourself peace of mind, I hate to suggest this because it feels terrible, but it is to watch them, or have them followed, or to try to access her communications. Terrible, I know. But the truth is what sets us free. Living in turmoil and unknown within one's own relationship is just terrible Calif
nvntr007 Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Here's a thought...people don't suddenly "wake up" and find that they are engaged in an affair (although some may THINK that's what they did). An emotional affair comes about via a PROCESS. It's not instantly an affair, nor is there a 'single step' that converts it from a friendship to an affair. It starts as an innocent friendship. There's probably some mutual attraction, but in the beginning, both parties typically observe good boundaries. That's what let's the friendship grow. Then after a while, those boundaries slip. An "innocent" little flirty statement is dropped in...maybe blushed at and laughed about...but no "line" is drawn to stop it from happening again. At the same time, the conversations shift from "safe" topics like work and hobbies to slightly less safe ones...like the home life, personal likes and dislikes, etc... Then the conversations slowly take on a different shift. Discussion about marital problems, even comparisons of marital issues and marital likes and dislikes come in. These are depressing conversations, so those fun little "flirty" statements come in more and more. And they're not only not rebuffed this time, they start occasionally going both ways. Then they start really talking about taboo things. The flirty statements REALLY progress from being little things, to expressed desires. The talk about issues in the marriage start to shift..."Well, if I were with you, I'd certainly never...". Discussion about future hopes and dreams, feelings and desires and wants...shortcomings in their current marriage. Finally, a confession is made. One or the other breaks down, and admits to the other that "my feelings for you have grown". BAM...the affair is off and running full steam now. Its only a matter of time (sometimes very little time) before it goes from this to a physical stage. Look at this progression. See where there's very little change between one stage and the next, but by the time you get to the end, it's a full affair? That's why CLEAR, HARDCORE boundaries are critical. So that you can IDENTIFY specific behaviors/topics/actions that should not be tolerated to PREVENT the affair. Weak boundaries set the stage for a situation like I've described. WOW, Owl. Your grasp of human nature and the nature of affairs is astounding. I am going to print your post for future reference. Many thanx for sharing.
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