MissingMyHubby Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Well I want to thank people here that gave me sound advice, first off. We actually ended up talking about sexual stuff anyways, without it being forced. This is the deal: She is waiting until sex until marriage. She also wants to stick to her guns about "trying her best" in regards to not doing anything more than kissing until married. She said she likes me, wants to continue to get to know me, but I think its delusional to think so by this point. I told her my stance on sex, I see it as as long as you PLAN on being with that person long term and are exclusive, then sex shouldn't be frowned upon. She says she has done some sexual stuff before with other guys she dated and the ones she DID mess around with she found hard to get over them when it ended. WELL NO CRAP! haha, so basically she's avoiding it to avoid the pain if it ends. I told her I have a desire to be DESIRED in "that way" long before any plans of marriage enter the picture. Basically the way I see it is this, if I were to continue to see her, my resentment would grow to the point of being so pissed off I am not even getting a handy. Sure it sounds horrible and deeply shallow, but I am a man! (I was considering MAYBE continuing to date her under the premise I would still go to 2nd base, but she made it clear she does not compromise either.) What is funny now is i think she still thinks everything is fine! What was kind of ironic, if thats the right word, is that she told me a couple reasons she liked me is because I disagree with her and have my own opinions on things. She said she doesn't want to date a cookie cutter guy, and likes me because I am far from it. Well guess what? Thats the only kind of guy who I can see handling her stance on premarital affairs. Some shmuck who will please her emotionally, be very agreeable, will wait until marriage, but will be a sack of doodoo with no backbone. Just a hunch. I do hope she finds what she is looking for though... Was just hoping she would be compromising,,you know...a healthy part of a relationship she seemingly is overlooking. Oh, her idea of intimacy is just this: sharing deepest darkest secrets, childood stories, hopes dreams, yada yada. I get all that. That is great stuff. But not without the nookie. Thoughts?
GorillaTheater Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Thoughts? I think that I'm wondering why you picked the moniker "missingmyhubby". Beyond that, it sounds like you did the right thing by talking to her about it, and realistically appraising the fact that you're not compatible in a very important area. Be truthful but as kind as you can when you break it off, and better luck next time.
girl68 Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Cut the loss. I hear ya loud and clear. She's perfectly entitled to have her own opinion and all that jazz. Same for you. It's very hard to compramise a persons morals, and hers is sex. You might hit it off short term but long term you don't have a shot. Be truthful when you dump her, say that sex IS intimacy as well and you need intimacy with your partner. Move on!
sxyNYCcpl Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I am glad you had the discussion. As I suspected, she is super-conservative sexually, and I don't think that will work for you. I also suspect that were you to bite the bullet and go forward under her conditions, even when the day came that you were married and sex was legal that you'd find it unsatisfying. Women like her are generally not cut out to be sexual dynamos. Better to know now than after 10 years of misery.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 She says she has done some sexual stuff before with other guys she dated and the ones she DID mess around with she found hard to get over them when it ended. WELL NO CRAP! haha, so basically she's avoiding it to avoid the pain if it ends. My thoughts... what a load of crap. Time for a dumperoo. Basically she told you... "I'm willing to do that with other men, just not you." How can she expect you to stick around or even respect her after that?
Author MissingMyHubby Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 Thanks to everyone thus far, Im probably going to have to tell her as easy as possible, that I see sexual interaction as PART of intimacy and that we would be better off as friends. What is funny that I forgot to mention, was in the midst of our conversing, was she told me once she gets married, she will want it 1-2 times a day! Clearly she is horny right now, but is calming her inner demons only until the marriage day arrives. Just not my cup of tea. And it is a huge gamble to assume she WILL be a dynamo once married.
Truly Lost Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 In this day and age, I don't know how anyone could marry someone without having had sex with the person first. I'm sure people still do it, I just haven't knowingly met anyone who has. I think letting her know of your concerns was good. It's unfortunate that you two don't share the same views about having sex. I think you are right that you will start resenting her overtime. It's better to end it because the relationship will only satisfy one side...herside.
Star Gazer Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I think that I'm wondering why you picked the moniker "missingmyhubby". I'm wondering the very same thing...
Jilly Bean Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Some shmuck who will please her emotionally, be very agreeable, will wait until marriage, but will be a sack of doodoo with no backbone. You have a verry immature and judgemental attitude about this. She can, and WILL, find a guy who also shares her beliefs about waiting until marriage. Just because it's not your thing, doesn't mean that a guy who choses celibacy until marriage is a weenie. It just means he has opposing beliefs. And her saying she likes you because you have differing opinions, is NOT the same as liking the fact that you have opposite core beliefs.
Author MissingMyHubby Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 I am just a little frustrated at the situation, so I may have come across as a jerk in my writing style. Anyways... i also dont think sex is a deep rooted "core belief" like she does. To me it is a natural human desire/response. Just an illustration of our differences.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 You have a verry immature and judgemental attitude about this. She can, and WILL, find a guy who also shares her beliefs about waiting until marriage. Just because it's not your thing, doesn't mean that a guy who choses celibacy until marriage is a weenie. It just means he has opposing beliefs. And her saying she likes you because you have differing opinions, is NOT the same as liking the fact that you have opposite core beliefs. My response would be 100% different if she had not already been doing things with other guys. IF she finds a guy who is willing to wait, while none of the other guys did... HE IS A CHUMP. Plain and simple. So, while I would strongly agree with you JBean, not in this situation.
Thornton Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 You two clearly have some fundamental differences and a relationship between you is unlikely to work. She believes that intimacy can be purely emotional, while you think it should also be sexual, and you obviously don't like her enough as a person to continue spending time with her if you're not getting sex. So it's better all round if you break off the relationship now. However, I just want to add that not everyone requires sex in order to love someone and have a relationship with them: many people save themselves for marriage, and many people have a long distance relationship in which there's (obviously) no sex, just a lot of talking and communication. Many people have a partner who has health issues which affect sex, which may result in doing without sex for extended periods. To those who think sex is so essential to a relationship: I hope you never have to deal with a partner becoming ill or having to go away for a while or something, because your relationship clearly won't last given that you place so much value on sex.
BentSpine Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 What is funny that I forgot to mention, was in the midst of our conversing, was she told me once she gets married, she will want it 1-2 times a day!No doubt. But only until she becomes pregnant. After that she will cut back to once a month if you're lucky. She clearly has hangups about sex, and the sad thing is that such a long-time internalised view, that sex for pleasure is bad, will likely not disappear after saying 'I do'.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 No doubt. But only until she becomes pregnant. After that she will cut back to once a month if you're lucky. She clearly has hangups about sex, and the sad thing is that such a long-time internalised view, that sex for pleasure is bad, will likely not disappear after saying 'I do'. It doesn't really work like that. I don't regularly talk about this... but my xW was probably the most promiscuous woman I've ever been with. However the moment I let the words "I do" slip out from between my lips... nothing. Completely shut down. I've heard the same from many other men. It comes down to how a woman views sex. The sluttier girls think it's a tool to make someone love them or to get attention... but once they have that attention... the need for it is gone. I have it on good authority that many of the girls who wait... are like :bunny:. I think even studies consistently show this to be true.
Enema Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Sure it sounds horrible and deeply shallow, but I am a man! (I was considering MAYBE continuing to date her under the premise I would still go to 2nd base, but she made it clear she does not compromise either.) Get this out of your head. It's like you feel guilty for wanting to have sex with the woman you are attracted to. The whole idea of abstaining is unnatural. She should feel guilty and bad, not you.
Thornton Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 The whole idea of abstaining is unnatural. She should feel guilty and bad, not you. Nonsense. Some people don't like sex and are asexual. Some people find sex painful or have medical or psychological reasons for not doing it. Some people have moral reasons for not doing it. Some people are in an LDR and abstain for months at a time until they can see their SO again. If someone chooses not to have sex for whatever reason, that's their decision, and they should not feel guilty or bad for choosing what to do (or not to do) with their own body. I believe the right to decide such things is protected as a fundamental human right. Abstinence may not be your thing, but others are legally free to do as they see fit, and it is not your place to judge.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I think that I'm wondering why you picked the moniker "missingmyhubby". I'm wondering the very same thing... The question has been asked before, and always conveniently ignored by the OP. It is really odd. It throws me off every time I see the handle and then start reading the thread. Perhaps missingmyhubby is actually a lonely housewife who enjoys making weird posts on the internet. LOL
Kaizen Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Well, you are suppose to be mature about sex but from your tone and attitude it doesn't sound like it. In fact, it sounds like you are quite young with the Force. Hopefully you've had a lot of sex because otherwise your statements have no weight. My thought is: if you truly like her you will wait for her. If there was chemistry there you would. If she truly cared she would change her beliefs and come to a compromise. If you want casual sex move on to the next girl b/c this one is not going to do it for you. By the way, I am not saying your views or her views are wrong. You guys just have opposing views and are not willing to change them for each other. I have a friend that was in a minimum-twice-a-day-sex relationship with a girl. She ended up cheating on him after two years. TWICE. Now he is in a relationship with a Christian girl who does not want sex till marriage. He holds himself back and while I don't support the whole not-getting-to-know-each-other-intimately before marriage thing, he is truly much HAPPIER now than ever. In conclusion, this kind of thing is not for everybody but it DOES work.
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