Being a go-getter in relationships - works or not?

[MissHollywood]

I'm a go-getter. In life, whatever I want, I fight for it. I'm persistent. I ask for what I want or work to get what I want. I've read or heard somewhere that I should treat relationships like job searches. However, I can't seem to be able to be the go-getter that I am in relationships. Even I think if I can throw out the fear or need for dignity as I do in other aspects of my life, I might really be successful in relationships. But sometimes human relations are more complicated than job searches or the desire for that Prada bag or the willingness to work hard for the private resort holiday.

 

What's your take? Treat relationships like the rest of your life and you'll be successful? Go-getting in relationships works?

[Thaddeus]

I created a thread a little while ago entitled Persistence or respect? in an attempt to get the board's view on that very thing.

 

Some seem to think that persistence is key - that is, if there's someone you're interested in, and s/he rebuffs you, s/he may be swayed if you're persistent (in a gentle way - nobody likes a stalker). But persistence is only welcome if there's some sort of mutual attraction.

 

Others suggest that when the other party says, "No," you should take them at their word as both a sign of respect and to allow you to move on to other potential partners. "No means no," right?

 

Point is, sometimes it might work, sometimes it might not. Sometimes you may be rewarded, other times you might find yourself on the bad end of a restraining order.

 

It's just so dependent upon context and the personalities of the people involved that there's really no blanket answer.

[MissHollywood]

That's the difference between humans and inactive things. In life, if you work hard at something (persistent), chances are you would succeed at getting it. In relationships, that may be seen as annoying to the party you're working on. Other aspects of life are much easier.

[Thaddeus]

I guess there's a difference, too, between being persistent and being delusional.

 

I've got a buddy of mine who's invested tens of thousands of dollars and thousands of hours into becoming a race car driver.

 

He's been divorced, has alienated his family, he's been bankrupt twice... and STILL no track time.

 

Is that persistence or just plain delusion?

 

He sees it as the former. I see it as the latter.

[MissHollywood]

Thaddeus, that's interesting. I didn't think of it as such but it could happen like in your friend's case. But on the flip side, if he's happy doing what he's doing (unrealistic to us), it might not be such a bad thing.

 

So there are actually things in life that we shouldn't hold so tight to the extent of being delusional. So this refutes my theory that other aspects of life are different from relationships, huh?

[Thaddeus]

Thaddeus, that's interesting. I didn't think of it as such but it could happen like in your friend's case. But on the flip side, if he's happy doing what he's doing (unrealistic to us), it might not be such a bad thing.

Actually, he's not happy at all. Sure, it's good to have goals and things you want to achieve and whatnot, but when that comes at a price that it destroys your family life and your finances, what good is that?

So this refutes my theory that other aspects of life are different from relationships, huh?

No, I don't think so. It was just a brief story to elucidate the difference between being persistent and being delusional.

 

My original point, however, remains: It's just too dependent on the people and situation for any sort of general rule to be drawn.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm a go-getter as well, but experience has taught me that, as a woman, approaching romantic relationships with the same focused determination that I use in life doesn't work. Most men seem to be intimidated by or suspicious about a woman who charges in and pursues what she wants in the romantic realm. I think this is changing, though.

 

In general, younger men are more at ease with women being breadwinners and more dominant initiators, but men around my age (early 30s) are part of the liminal generation -- their mothers were deferential homemakers who followed the father's lead, while in many cases, their sisters and girlfriends are kicking ass in their careers and lives without any help from men. Men can see that women are not obliged to put up with men's crap nearly as much these days, since we can and often do take care of ourselves.

 

I think this is simultaneously exciting and threatening to many men. My generation of men seem to waver between wanting to wear the pants, and enjoying the fact that an initiating woman can provide more security and equal partnership, and command more respect, even from the man himself.

 

I actually think men are sometimes more confused than women about all this. Several of my serious boyfriends have visibly struggled with the desire to "take care of me", like their dads took care of their moms, versus recognize and appreciate my strength and capability, rather than be threatened by it.

 

I guess my go-getting comes into play in the screening/self-protection process. If a guy is a flake or shady in any way, I cut him loose immediately and don't look back.

[boogieboy]

Theres also the scenario that if you make the dating too easy for a guy he wont appreciate you...watch out for that when you are pursuing what you want.