Dan83 Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Here's my story----> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t188095/ It's been 53 days since I last saw and talked to my ex fiancee (though the last time I saw her was very unpleasant), over 3 months since I found out she was cheating, and almost 3 months since she has moved out of my place. I've been doing good, I have had a lot of good days and I really thought I was pretty much settled with what happened and that I was kind of over it. But no, I was wrong! I know this girl treated me horrible in the end, but we had 8yrs together, and most of those years were amazing. Lately I find myself sad all over again, like I was when It first happened. This morning for instance, I woke up and she was the first thing on my mind. I felt so empty, I miss her so much that when I think it about her it makes me tear up. I want her back so badly, I wish I could rewind time and figure out what went wrong, why she all of a sudden just flipped like a switch. I just can't help but think that maybe had I noticed something was off with her sooner that I could of tried to prevent this all somehow. I don't know why all these feelings are coming back to me so intensely after doing good and dealing with the breakup well. This girl was in every aspect of my life, got along with my friends, my family, everyone loved her as did I. Unconditional love I must have for this girl because I still love her even after all she's done to me. Though I know it's over and I need to forget about her, I just can't seem to do it. I've tried to meet a few other women so far. One of them who I actually became good friends with in a short time, and she is very interested in me. But I just can't seem to feel anything for any other women other than my ex. I've been trying to let myself feel something but it's just not happening. I just can't seem to let myself truly care about anyone else as bad as that sounds. I feel like my heart is locked. Maybe it's just to soon to even try. I can't get my ex out of my head, I miss her and love her so much. I know that's probably stupid of me considering what she has done and the way she has acted, but I just honestly cannot help it. I've even thought about contacting her, just to say hi and see how she's doing. I have this crazy urge to call, text or email her, but I won't, because I know that is probably stupid as well and I'd hate for her to think I'm still hanging on to her. This really sucks though, I thought I was doing good and it just all comes back. Maybe if the relationship had ended differently, without lies and cruelty, and with upfront honesty, I'd be handling this better. Maybe not though I really don't know. Maybe I shouldn't of kept our apt, maybe living here is not helping, considering everywhere I look I can picture her. But I love my place too so leaving would suck as well. Anyway, I just needed to vent so thanks for reading. I really can't talk to anyone about this anymore as I feel none of my friends, family, or anyone I know really cares to hear about this anymore. Just having a bad day I guess. I just wish I didn't love her so much. I just wanna love and be loved. (stop being so sappy Dan!!!)
Thomas X Forever Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 You spent eight years together? This is just the beginning, then. I tell you this not to scare you, but so you are prepared with a shield, for the pain that is coming. It's completely normal that you can't feel anything for anyone else. You're pretty much numb right now, with some pain. This is the first stage. The mere fact that you are feeling the way you have described, show's that this isn't your loss, but rather hers. You truly gave a damn. She, on the other hand, cheated. She's screwed up in the head, and she's screwed up in the heart.
Author Dan83 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 Yep, 8yrs together, I'm 26 so it feels like a lifetime. My whole future was being planned out with this woman. Marriage, house, kids..etc. And then poof, she's gone in the blink of an eye. Not to mention that I'm not living completely alone for the first time in my life, which is always something that is not easy for me and is taking a long time to get used too. I really hope you are wrong about the pain that is coming, because I feel like I'll lose my grip on things if this pain really get's worse. But I'll do my best to prepare for that in case it's what happens. It's a constant struggle lately to find the positive things in my life, I know they are there, but I just can't see them at the moment. I always seem to twist up my thoughts and include her somehow. I definitely did give a damn, and obviously she did not. It's just hard to believe after such a long relationship, and the fact that we just got engaged on christmas eve, that she could go ahead and do what she did and only 3 months after we got engaged. Such a shame that people have to be so cold.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 It really, really IS a shame. I agree. I think she felt trapped, and the engagement pushed her over the edge. She dealt with her feelings VERY incorrectly, though, by cheating. That was cowardly, weak, simple minded... lacked logic, lacked feeling, was just plain heartless.
Author Dan83 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 Yeah she definitely went about it 100% wrong. As hard as it may be for some people to be honest about things like this after such a long time, I feel that's all that she would of had to do and we could of ended it mutually and peacefully. Because I'd honestly never expect someone to stay in a relationship if they wanted out. Of course it would of still hurt like crazy, but probably not as much had it ended the right way...if there is a right way. I'd just love to meet a new girl that I can actually feel something for, and then maybe this would all be easier.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Hah, don't we all. Are you good at approaching girls? That's my weakness, anymore. I used to be so good at getting numbers, but now I'm frozen stiff.
Author Dan83 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 Honestly I freeze up when I even think about approaching a girl, it's like I forget how to talk lol. I guess being in a relationship for so long can have that effect. I've had a few instances lately where I had the perfect opportunity to go up to a girl and say something. Like yesterday, I was in the grocery store and this girl just happened to end up in the same isle I was in, and not just once, but over and over, and always giving me a smile. I should of said something, but I just couldn't get myself to go up to her and say anything, couldn't even think of anything to say. I have met and hung out with a few girls since this all happened. But these girls were girls I met online. And meeting decent people in chat rooms or whatever seems....well...they just seem very few and far between. Two of the girls I only hung out with once, didn't really seem to have much common ground with them. One of the girls I actually did becomes friends with, but that's all I want from her, I don't feel anything else. I really don't like meeting woman in chatrooms, I wish I could just get myself to approach them like I used to do when I was younger. It's just so hard and nerve racking, I don't wanna look like a creep, or feel like I am being rude, and then there is that fear of feeling awkward. Just gotta bite the bullet and do it I guess, but it's much easier said than done for me.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Damn, man, we are like brothers. That sounds so so familiar. Cept meeting girls in chat rooms. I don't know where to do that.
Author Dan83 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 I downloaded Yahoo Instant Messenger, they have local chat rooms on there for each state. It's hard to actually find someone decent to talk with though, at least in my area. And there seems to be a hell of a lot of spam on there too. I don't really know of any other places with local chat rooms though, so I've been using Yahoo once in a while. Damn I really do need to learn how to approach woman again though... The whole chat room thing is definitely not ideal, but it's apparently the only way I can start up a conversation with a woman at the present time lol.
SCooke Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I really feel for you man. I can completely relate to what you're going through. Heartbreak is such an enigma. Just when you feel like you're back up on your feet and have it figured out, it hits you like a truck again!...However, I feel like I've grown so much through this process that sometimes i feel like all this pain is worth it. I hope you feel that you're finding out more about who you are during this process. I was with my girl for 3 1/2 years and we broke up in Januray, so I've been going through this a little longer. The first months are just very traumatic and honestly it's just a time of confusion, pain mixed with numbness.So actually the times you feel like you're getting over it is just a numbness phase...But then as time passes, you start fully accepting the situation, and I feel like that's when you really start taking in the lessons heartbreak teaches you about yourself... What I found out is that the majority of the pain comes from losing your sense of purpose, more so than the loss of the significant other. Don't get me wrong, it really hurts losing the one you love and you miss them so badly, but the pain goes on much longer and is much deeper because of the emptiness that comes with losing your sense of purpose in life. When you're in love and in a relationship, our need to have a purpose in life is met because we're creating happiness for someone we truly care about. When that's gone, we not only lose a companion, but we also lose our purpose in life, and that is truly scary...So if you think about it, most of our pain doesn't have much to do with the other person, but with us. We wonder "who's gonna love me?", "am i going to be alone forever?", "will I ever find love like that again?". So we rush to find the next person because we're so desperate to have this need met again...and that leads to getting into relationships that are not good for us. I fight this urge everyday. I have this need to find another girl so bad, but I know that it will not be the answer. I am using this heartbreak as a trigger to help me define my own purpose and meaning in life, independent of a single other indivdual. It's not healthy to depend on another person to give us that, because one day they might be gone. It is time to truly search within ourselves and figure out what gives us the most happiness in life. We all need a drive and passion in life, a goal to strive for. But most of us never do the work to find out what that is, we kinda just glide through life moving from one relationship to the next, one job to the next, living an unfulfiling life. For me, I found out that I am really trully happy when i feel like I've made a difference in someone's life, I've helped a person in need. So my purpose is to use all my skills and gifts towards improving the lives of underpriviledged people in 3rd world countries. So as long as I'm on that path and stay focused on that, no one can make me lose my reason for living. I will find true happiness just by the fact that I'm trying my best to follow my passion, regardless of the results. And hopefully one day I'll meet a girl who's also complete on her own and is willing to share her journey with me. Wow, I didn't mean to go off like that. I just really connected with your story and i just wish you the best during this time. i hope what you're going through will bear fruits someday. And judging from your modestly and sincerity, i have no doubt you'll be just fine!
redy2 Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 sorry your going through this. what i try and do is avoid doing activites you you like to do together. like if you always went to a particular resturant or like always went jogging etc whatever it was. avoid doing it. change aparments. if she picked out teh shirt you have on. put it up and wear another. if she didnt enjoy something and you do then persue it. like if you like spicy foods she hated it go get spicy foods. if this makes sense to you. what im basically trying to say is learn to sperate your identity for you guys as a couple and redevelop you own individual identity.
LisaUk Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Hi Dan, I just read your orginal post. I know how you feel, my ex and I were together 18years, lived together 10 years and engaged 8 years. He left me without any warning or explanation 4 months ago after we had set the date to marry in church and started wedding plans. Personally, I think he is having some kind of commitment phobe midlife crisis, what I do know for sure is he ended it very badly and not in a way befitting the length of time we were together. Your ex treated you very badly, the way she ended it was cruel. Just like you it came as a huge shock to me, one min we were walking round reception venues discussing menus, the next "pack your bags I want you gone". There were no problems I was aware of either and even now going over it again looking for those red flags, there weren't any. I'm seeing a counsellor to try and get some help with this, the thing that gets me the most is the lack of closure, I don't know why I need to know Why? but I do, I'm hoping she can help me get past this and move on. Perhaps this may be helpful to you also.
huck Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Hi Dan... Just read your original post... ( took a while !! ).. Feeling for you bud - you've spent most of your adult life with this girl and i can imagine the pain your going through. I appreciate whatever feelings you had for this girl - you dont spend that long with someone without loving them deeply. But puting a different slant on things - she F*cked you over big style by cheating on you while you were still living together and having the cheek to try and get away with it and hide the affair from you.. You didnt deserve that at all - so maybe whenever you think about her and the good times - remind yourself of the bad things she did and that you deserve better. Thats what I did whenever i thought my ex.. I missed the girl i feel in love with - not the girl she turned into towards the end of the relationship.. Not sure if that helps but all the best mate Huck...
Author Dan83 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 I really feel for you man. I can completely relate to what you're going through. Heartbreak is such an enigma. Just when you feel like you're back up on your feet and have it figured out, it hits you like a truck again!...However, I feel like I've grown so much through this process that sometimes i feel like all this pain is worth it. I hope you feel that you're finding out more about who you are during this process. I was with my girl for 3 1/2 years and we broke up in Januray, so I've been going through this a little longer. The first months are just very traumatic and honestly it's just a time of confusion, pain mixed with numbness.So actually the times you feel like you're getting over it is just a numbness phase...But then as time passes, you start fully accepting the situation, and I feel like that's when you really start taking in the lessons heartbreak teaches you about yourself... What I found out is that the majority of the pain comes from losing your sense of purpose, more so than the loss of the significant other. Don't get me wrong, it really hurts losing the one you love and you miss them so badly, but the pain goes on much longer and is much deeper because of the emptiness that comes with losing your sense of purpose in life. When you're in love and in a relationship, our need to have a purpose in life is met because we're creating happiness for someone we truly care about. When that's gone, we not only lose a companion, but we also lose our purpose in life, and that is truly scary...So if you think about it, most of our pain doesn't have much to do with the other person, but with us. We wonder "who's gonna love me?", "am i going to be alone forever?", "will I ever find love like that again?". So we rush to find the next person because we're so desperate to have this need met again...and that leads to getting into relationships that are not good for us. I fight this urge everyday. I have this need to find another girl so bad, but I know that it will not be the answer. I am using this heartbreak as a trigger to help me define my own purpose and meaning in life, independent of a single other indivdual. It's not healthy to depend on another person to give us that, because one day they might be gone. It is time to truly search within ourselves and figure out what gives us the most happiness in life. We all need a drive and passion in life, a goal to strive for. But most of us never do the work to find out what that is, we kinda just glide through life moving from one relationship to the next, one job to the next, living an unfulfiling life. For me, I found out that I am really trully happy when i feel like I've made a difference in someone's life, I've helped a person in need. So my purpose is to use all my skills and gifts towards improving the lives of underpriviledged people in 3rd world countries. So as long as I'm on that path and stay focused on that, no one can make me lose my reason for living. I will find true happiness just by the fact that I'm trying my best to follow my passion, regardless of the results. And hopefully one day I'll meet a girl who's also complete on her own and is willing to share her journey with me. Wow, I didn't mean to go off like that. I just really connected with your story and i just wish you the best during this time. i hope what you're going through will bear fruits someday. And judging from your modestly and sincerity, i have no doubt you'll be just fine! Wow, that was very well said and makes a lot of sense. You pretty much hit the nail right on the head there. I do feel that way, like I've lost my purpose in life. Everything I worked so hard for I was doing for the both of us. So now with me doing everything alone it's just so hard to get used to. I certainly have that urge, the need for another girl, someone to share my life with and be able to plan a future with. I just don't think I can open up yet, and that frightens me to be honest because I don't know when I'll be able to open up, feel something for someone else again, or trust another girl. For instance there is this one girl I'm hanging out with, she's cool, we get along and all that, and I've told her my whole story and exactly where I am at this present time in my life, that I'm not ready for another relationship, etc etc. Yet she seems to be falling for me, and I just don't feel anything. I've been completely honest with her about this too, and she still keeps trying. It just sucks because I feel so numb, and I do like her as a person, and I respect her which Is why I've been honest with her about how I'm feeling. I just don't think it would be fair to her, or to myself to hop right back into another relationship. I'm sure it's just way too soon, or maybe this girl isn't right for me, I just hope this doesn't happen to me with every girl I meet in the future. You sound like you've got a good handle on your situation, and what you are doing is very admirable. I wish you the best of luck! sorry your going through this. what i try and do is avoid doing activites you you like to do together. like if you always went to a particular resturant or like always went jogging etc whatever it was. avoid doing it. change aparments. if she picked out teh shirt you have on. put it up and wear another. if she didnt enjoy something and you do then persue it. like if you like spicy foods she hated it go get spicy foods. if this makes sense to you. what im basically trying to say is learn to sperate your identity for you guys as a couple and redevelop you own individual identity. That does make sense actually. I've tried to get rid of some of the things that remind me of her. I can't get rid of everything though or else I'd be homeless with absolutely nothing to my name...lol Yeah almost everything I have was acquired with her someway or somehow, at least that's how it seems. I still have a whole bunch of pictures of me and her, some of which are of our vacations, others are random, some are holidays, and I even have the pictures of her on the day I proposed. I've had all these pictures selected and ready to be deleted numerous times, but I just can't get myself to erase them for some reason. It's tough, I'd love to just pick up and start all over, new place to live, new possessions, new everything. It's just a lot easier said than done unfortunately. But you know what, this damn shirt I'm wearing now was picked out by her, so this things getting thrown out, that's my triumph for the day! haha I definitely do need to work on redeveloping my own identity. Hi Dan, I just read your orginal post. I know how you feel, my ex and I were together 18years, lived together 10 years and engaged 8 years. He left me without any warning or explanation 4 months ago after we had set the date to marry in church and started wedding plans. Personally, I think he is having some kind of commitment phobe midlife crisis, what I do know for sure is he ended it very badly and not in a way befitting the length of time we were together. Your ex treated you very badly, the way she ended it was cruel. Just like you it came as a huge shock to me, one min we were walking round reception venues discussing menus, the next "pack your bags I want you gone". There were no problems I was aware of either and even now going over it again looking for those red flags, there weren't any. I'm seeing a counsellor to try and get some help with this, the thing that gets me the most is the lack of closure, I don't know why I need to know Why? but I do, I'm hoping she can help me get past this and move on. Perhaps this may be helpful to you also. Hi Lisa, Wow that is crazy what you went through, and the amount of time, my god that is just not right of him at all. I try to look back and go over the relationship to see if I can think of any red flags, I just can't seem to find any. Except for her suddenly starting to "go out" with girls from work, not answering right away when I call, not coming home for hours after her shift ends. We actually worked different shifts, I work 2nd shift and she worked 1st. So she definitely had all the time in the world to do whatever it was she wanted, I just trusted her and never thought I'd have to worry. Looking back though I guess I see that things were a bit fishy. I really feel that you can never truly know a person now, I hope I'm wrong, but that's how I feel, that's how she made me feel. Why must it be so hard to find someone with the same values and morals, someone who cares just as much and is willing to be honest about everything and give a relationship the work it needs to survive. I mean I understand people fall out of love or what not, but is it so hard to have a little respect and human decency! Obviously we all know the answer to that, it's very hard for some people, such a shame. I wish you the best of luck in your situation and I hope everything works out one way or another for you. Hi Dan... Just read your original post... ( took a while !! ).. Feeling for you bud - you've spent most of your adult life with this girl and i can imagine the pain your going through. I appreciate whatever feelings you had for this girl - you dont spend that long with someone without loving them deeply. But puting a different slant on things - she F*cked you over big style by cheating on you while you were still living together and having the cheek to try and get away with it and hide the affair from you.. You didnt deserve that at all - so maybe whenever you think about her and the good times - remind yourself of the bad things she did and that you deserve better. Thats what I did whenever i thought my ex.. I missed the girl i feel in love with - not the girl she turned into towards the end of the relationship.. Not sure if that helps but all the best mate Huck... Hi Huck, I've been giving this a shot as well. When my mind starts to wander with thoughts of her, I try to focus on how she acted at the end, the person she turned into, and try to be angry instead of sad. It does seem to help, I can put her out of my mind quicker when I think of the bad things she did vs the good. I know I'm a good person, I have my faults of course but who doesn't, but I definitely didn't deserve what she did to me, that's for sure. Though I still often 2nd guess myself, and wonder if maybe I did do something to make her treat me so badly, but I just don't think I did. Thanks to everyone for the support, this website is certainly filled with a lot of great people!
LisaUk Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Hi Dan Thanks for you reply. Your words about finding someone with decency and morals could have been written by me! Those red flags I mentionned, yes they were red flags to her cheating, but that wasn't what I was getting at. Have you had a look at the signs of gradual deteriation of long term relationships. Google that phrase, there are lots or relationship sites that will tell you them, such as loss of sex, loss of affection, avoidance of conflict etc. Sometimes they happen so gradually we miss them (although, they weren't there in my situation, even looking back). Even if you research them and find they were there, that does not excuse her behaviour, she should have raised any issues with you, but it may help you make sense of what happened.
GorillaTheater Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I recall your thread, Dan. I think I posted that I've rarely heard of or encountered a more thoroughly evil woman (outside of the crime news, I mean). I'm not surprised that she managed to screw your head up. Even though you may find no comfort in this, just know that this will pass (yes, anger helps you heal much faster than sadness). You'll get on the other side of this.
Author Dan83 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 Thanks Lisa, I'll make sure to google that phrase and do some research. Anything that may possibly help me make sense of things is worth a shot.
LisaUk Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Thanks Lisa, I'll make sure to google that phrase and do some research. Anything that may possibly help me make sense of things is worth a shot. Your welcome. You might find it helpful to pop on over to the seperation and divorce board and read some stories and posts on there. You were with your fiancee a long time and if you read some of the stories over there you may see you are not alone in the "Walk away, alien has taken over her body" feelings! My thread is there as well (I felt married, length of relationship, engaement, commited to him a long time ago, if you see what I mean), if you would like to talk to me any time. Thank you for your kind words of wishing me happines for the future, I wish you well too.
Author Dan83 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 I recall your thread, Dan. I think I posted that I've rarely heard of or encountered a more thoroughly evil woman (outside of the crime news, I mean). I'm not surprised that she managed to screw your head up. Even though you may find no comfort in this, just know that this will pass (yes, anger helps you heal much faster than sadness). You'll get on the other side of this. Hey man, Yeah I remember your post, I really hit the lottery when it comes to evil woman that's for sure. She certainly did a number on me, but I do try to keep in mind that this will all pass eventually. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it's just a bit hard to see right now. I'm trying to be angry instead of sad whenever possible, only in regards to my thoughts of her though of course. I certainly don't want to project all this anger to other aspects of my life. I have confidence I will get on the other side of this, and hearing from other people certainly helps as well. Thanks for the reply.
Author Dan83 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 Your welcome. You might find it helpful to pop on over to the seperation and divorce board and read some stories and posts on there. You were with your fiancee a long time and if you read some of the stories over there you may see you are not alone in the "Walk away, alien has taken over her body" feelings! My thread is there as well (I felt married, length of relationship, engaement, commited to him a long time ago, if you see what I mean), if you would like to talk to me any time. Thank you for your kind words of wishing me happines for the future, I wish you well too. I'll definitely have to give that section of the boards a read, I didn't even think to look there, thanks. I'll look for your thread there as well and read up on your story. It's nice to have a place where so many people know how it feels to go through this, and to be able to share stories, advice, suggestions, etc. It's actually very comforting. You're welcome Lisa, and thanks.
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