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What is wrog with my husband? HE won't have sex with ME.

creativegirl

By creativegirl
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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creativegirl New Member

creativegirl

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Hi. I have been with my spouse for 12 years, married for 9. There is something wrong in our marriage. We are good friends, he is a good father to our 2 children and great and successful at his career. BUT...

 

He is disconnected emotionally and sexually. I don't know if he is gay and in the closet or if he is cheating, though he swears he's not. The only time we have ever had a decent sex life was 4 years ago and it lasted for about a month while we went to marriage counseling, where he confessed that he loves sex (we hadn't been intimate at that time in 2 years). I thought things were turning around and then I got pregnant with our son, 4 years ago. We have not had sex since then.:lmao: I feel so lonely. I know it's not me. I am attractive and take care of myself (men - and women! hit on me all the time), funny, smart, happy, outgoing and creative. I have not let being a mother take over my life, even though it's the most important job I will ever do. I am an excellent lover (hopefully it's like riding a bike) because I am very passionate and love an intimate, real connection. And that's just it - there is no intimate connection between my husband and I. He won't talk about it and would rather pretend that everything is fine. I have been faithful to him.

 

Until now. I met someone online who lives 2000 miles away and we started having email stuff going on. I am an artist and he started talking to me about my work and there was just this oddly amazing chemistry - even from far away. I feel so guilty, but at the same time I feel myself coming alive in so many ways I had just let lay dormant and stuffed inside, feelings I had forgotten about. I feel like a flower that is blossoming and blooming again. I feel like a beautiful, sensual alive passionate woman - which I am! It has made me realize that I cannot continue my life this way with my DH. I worry about my kids who adore their dad and he adores them - but I also believe in the saying "the strongest influence a parent has on their children is their own unlived life." I also don't want my children to think that this is what a marraige is about.

 

My husband's parents are also emotionally dead and void. My worst nightmare is to end up like them. His mother sits around watching TV and eating and has said she is just waiting to die. His father is emotionally disconnected and is a jerk. They are lonely people with no friends. So depressing. Looking at them I know that's why he is an emotional zombie, and may be incapable of a real soul connection with another human being. We have never had a really deep connection, and I chose to marry him a few years after losing my soul mate love of my life to an accident when I was 25. I chose someone the opposite (open, loving and outgoing to closed, self-absorbed and introverted) and now I am paying for it with my life.

 

It's not about the act of sex for me (I am a woman) so much as it is everything that comes with meaningful sex - the connection.

 

Has anyone experienced this? I feel like such a freak and like a tramp for being tempted into sharing myself wth someone else. Help. Is there even any hope for our marriage? Oddly enough, I do love him very much and wish more than anything that this amazing sexual and emotional connection I am beginning to experience with another was with my spouse. Maybe I should send him a copy of this cry for advice! Thanks.

 

Creative girl.

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
Posted

He is disconnected emotionally and sexually. I don't know if he is gay and in the closet or if he is cheating, though he swears he's not. The only time we have ever had a decent sex life was 4 years ago and it lasted for about a month while we went to marriage counseling, where he confessed that he loves sex (we hadn't been intimate at that time in 2 years). I thought things were turning around and then I got pregnant with our son, 4 years ago. We have not had sex since then.:lmao:

 

Guys don't work like that. There is a reason why he won't have sex with you. My guess is that something pushed him away from you and he started using porn. That is the most common one at least. My buddy got addicted when his wife spent 9 months of her pregnancy turning him down.

 

Personally, I think you should start by getting him to provide you with MORE non sexual touching. This needs to be initiated 50/50.

 

Also, you married the guy so you must have loved him at some point... and I am sure he made you feel loved in return. Rewriting the emotional history of your marriage is more of an affair tactic than anything that exists in real life.

 

Oh, and you can't predict how you two will end up. If you both put some effort into changing... I can turn out great!

 

Until now. I met someone online who lives 2000 miles away and we started having email stuff going on. I am an artist and he started talking to me about my work and there was just this oddly amazing chemistry - even from far away. I feel so guilty, but at the same time I feel myself coming alive in so many ways I had just let lay dormant and stuffed inside, feelings I had forgotten about. I feel like a flower that is blossoming and blooming again. I feel like a beautiful, sensual alive passionate woman - which I am! It has made me realize that I cannot continue my life this way with my DH. I worry about my kids who adore their dad and he adores them - but I also believe in the saying "the strongest influence a parent has on their children is their own unlived life." I also don't want my children to think that this is what a marraige is about.

 

Ugh.... I've seen so many women go down that road. Do yourself a favor and just stop talking to the guy. It never ends well. Half the time you find out he is some unemployed circus freak.

 

Welcome to LS. Some people will be nice, some will be mean. Just ignore the jerks

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

How was your intimacy in the three years prior to marrying?

 

How long did you go to MC? What changes did *you* make as a result of what was learned in there? Have you been back? If not, now would be a good time :)

clv0116 Established Member

clv0116

Posted
Posted
I am attractive and take care of myself (men - and women! hit on me all the time), funny, smart, happy, outgoing and creative. I have not let being a mother take over my life, even though it's the most important job I will ever do. I am an excellent lover (hopefully it's like riding a bike) because I am very passionate and love an intimate, real connection.

 

Sexy is as sexy does. Sometimes a guy needs his porn-star sex, sometimes he needs what you're talking about.

 

 

Guys don't work like that. There is a reason why he won't have sex with you. My guess is that something pushed him away from you and he started using porn. That is the most common one at least. My buddy got addicted when his wife spent 9 months of her pregnancy turning him down.

 

That would do it, and as you note once it's established and habit it's gonna be hard (so to speak) to break.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
I thought things were turning around and then I got pregnant with our son, 4 years ago. We have not had sex since then.:lmao:

Why does he say when you ask him why you haven't been intimate in 4 years?

 

Mr. Lucky

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creativegirl New Member

creativegirl

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Thanks for the advice. I did cut it off with the other guy - we have only been talking for a week or so but I don't feel right about it. he probably is a circus freak! LOL.

 

I will do porn star sex if that's what he wants! HE won't communicate with me! I have tried to talk about no sex in our marriage and he just says it's because he is tired from work and he has no sex drive. He's only 40! And he travels a LOT. Plenty of opportunity to cheat if he is.

 

Our sex life was decent prior to marriage, but we would go months between. My guess is that maybe he is into really kinky sex but is afraid to tell me, or he's cheating on me, or he's gay. I know he used to hang out at an S&M club with a friend before we met but he says it was because it was the only after hours club that was open. When I got pregnant he was DEFINITELY turned off to sex at all - so when I got pregnant with DD it was 3 years w/out sex and with DS it has been 4 years. Does he just see me as a mother figure now? I have decided I can't live like this any more.

 

We do need to return to MC. I think that's the only way to even save our marriage at this point. Maybe he will feel safe to open up to someone else? I am not rewriting the emotional history of our relationship - it's been like this for the 9 years we have been married! We didn't even have sex on our wedding night.

 

creative girl

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted
Our sex life was decent prior to marriage, but we would go months between.

 

:eek:

 

Yes, get immediately to MC and clarify these issues in a neutral environment. You're likely going to be defining incompatibilities in there, and will have to determine if there is enough middle ground and desire to continue. I've been through that. I hope your outcome is more positive :)

JohnnyMcLovin New Member

JohnnyMcLovin

Posted
Posted
:confused: That is odd. But, have you physically changed a lot in that time? if you are someone that put on 100 pounds, that would do it. If that's not the case then I'd guess either gay, cheating, or suffering from depression. I would definitely explore depression first -- It's the most likely. And, if that is the problem, once he gets treatment and get his mind right it'll be like old times again.
Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

Posted
Posted

what took so long!!!! Your husband has huge deep seated issues. I imagine he is gay..... How can you go so long and just expect it to be normal. I would hire a PI to just investigate and confirm nothing is going on.

 

Then you have said a fair bit, but you have not once said how often you initiate sex and how he turns you down. Are you at all romantic otherwise (i.e. hold hands, kiss, put your legs on his lap while on the couch watching TV, snuggle in bed....)?

 

What would be normal for you? Once a month, 2-3X's, weekly, 2-3X a week, daily)...... The fact you have not been intimate for long periods is truly sad.

 

Personally I think it is a lost cause as anytime you go so long without, it will not change in the long run.

Teslacoil Established Member

Teslacoil

Posted
Posted

I will do porn star sex if that's what he wants! HE won't communicate with me! I have tried to talk about no sex in our marriage and he just says it's because he is tired from work and he has no sex drive.

 

This is tough to deal with since you've stated quite a lot that he doesn't communicate about it. More than that he was raised by unemotional and uncommunicative parents. Don't give up on him necessarily. It's possible with counseling he could learn to be more open with you.

 

Maybe he's associated opening up emotionally with pain of some sort. If you make communication and emotional discussions rewarding for him, he might be more inclined.

 

If he's into the S&M thing, and simply says he has no drive... you could try the blunt approach. Try to fulfill some fantasy he (and hopefully you) have. Sex toys, costumes, tie yourself to the bed, etc. It might peak his interest.

 

However, I think that would likely be a short term solution. MC sounds like a good step.

 

I'm not going to jump to the same conclusions as other people here and assume he's cheating or addicted to porn.

MichelleS1983 Established Member

MichelleS1983

Posted
Posted

He's got that Madonna/Whore thing going on. He doesn't see you as a sexual being at ALL because you gave birth to his children. And if he watched you give birth, you sealed that deal good.

 

Where the HELL is everyone coming up with the GAY thing because he's not having sex with his wife? He travels alot, and I'd bet my bottom dollar he's getting satisfied elsewhere. If he's away from home alot, it's almost guaranteed that he's involved with someone else and getting his physical needs and his need for intimacy met elsewhere.

 

This isn't rocket science.

Lostgurl Established Member

Lostgurl

Posted
Posted
Thanks for the advice. I did cut it off with the other guy - we have only been talking for a week or so but I don't feel right about it. he probably is a circus freak! LOL.

 

I will do porn star sex if that's what he wants! HE won't communicate with me! I have tried to talk about no sex in our marriage and he just says it's because he is tired from work and he has no sex drive. He's only 40! And he travels a LOT. Plenty of opportunity to cheat if he is.

 

Our sex life was decent prior to marriage, but we would go months between. My guess is that maybe he is into really kinky sex but is afraid to tell me, or he's cheating on me, or he's gay. I know he used to hang out at an S&M club with a friend before we met but he says it was because it was the only after hours club that was open. When I got pregnant he was DEFINITELY turned off to sex at all - so when I got pregnant with DD it was 3 years w/out sex and with DS it has been 4 years. Does he just see me as a mother figure now? I have decided I can't live like this any more.

 

We do need to return to MC. I think that's the only way to even save our marriage at this point. Maybe he will feel safe to open up to someone else? I am not rewriting the emotional history of our relationship - it's been like this for the 9 years we have been married! We didn't even have sex on our wedding night.

 

creative girl

The part in bold REALLY jumped out at me. A guy who is interested in S&M and says he has no sex drive is lying about it. I don't buy the excuse for the reason why he went to the club. The only reason why a guy would go there, is because he is into it.

jmargel Established Member

jmargel

Posted
Posted

No one can give you a reason why he's doing it, but my suggestion would be to go back to marriage counseling. We don't know him personally and so for anyone to say 'He must be gay' 'He is cheating' is just assumptions. You do deserve answers and you do deserve to be happy. If he refuses MC and to communicate with you then you really only have one option, to leave the marriage.

 

I'm glad you aren't putting your own self-worth into this and I can understand how easy it would be to find what you are looking for in another man. I think at this point you really need to ask yourself, what are you getting out of this marriage? When was the last time you were truly happy?

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