Author MusicChick24 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 I'm wondering why he freaked out when you were at Curves. Sounds like he needs to know where you are all the time. Which is just too controlling if you ask me. I didn't specify which was my fault but the reason he was worried about me being at Curves was because since he forgot what time I was going to be there, he got home from his classes, called me to make plans and I wasn't there...and since it's summer I'm normally at home watching my baby sister so when I wasn't home...he started to wonder. But as soon as we touched base when I got back he was cool. I just wondered why he couldn't remember or atleast take responsibilty for forgetting. Hell I'm not saying he has to remember every move I make but don't tell me that the reason we couldn't go on a date was because I wasn't home at 2pm when he got home from class when I told him in advance that I would be taking my sister to the babysitters and then going to Curves for my appt and workout. Don't get me wrong here people. Forgetting is one thing. But it's not MY FAULT you forgot.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I'm wondering why he freaked out when you were at Curves. Sounds like he needs to know where you are all the time. Which is just too controlling if you ask me. I didn't specify which was my fault but the reason he was worried about me being at Curves was because since he forgot what time I was going to be there, he got home from his classes, called me to make plans and I wasn't there...and since it's summer I'm normally at home watching my baby sister so when I wasn't home...he started to wonder. But as soon as we touched base when I got back he was cool. I just wondered why he couldn't remember or atleast take responsibilty for forgetting. Hell I'm not saying he has to remember every move I make but don't tell me that the reason we couldn't go on a date was because I wasn't home at 2pm when he got home from class when I told him in advance that I would be taking my sister to the babysitters and then going to Curves for my appt and workout. Don't get me wrong here people. Forgetting is one thing. But it's not MY FAULT you forgot. Curves is a 30-min workout. I don't think he needed to panic when you were gone for MAYBE an hour window. THAT'S the part I was concerned about when I read your post. I'd go crazy having my moves monitored like that. What, was he due for his diaper change, or what? In your situation, if I had already told him THREE TIMES where I was going to be and then he proceeded to ask me where I was, I'd say, "Out." Why is it any of his freaking business at this point? And "he was cool" after that? Oh, how very progressive of him. LOL...sorry, MC - I didn't mean to go off on your BF, but if he's going to play the "I can't listen that deeply" game, then I'd be playing the, "What do you mean, 'where was I'" game. People do that because #1, they're lazy and #2, they've gotten away with it before.
Author MusicChick24 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 Curves is a 30-min workout. I don't think he needed to panic when you were gone for MAYBE an hour window. THAT'S the part I was concerned about when I read your post. I'd go crazy having my moves monitored like that. What, was he due for his diaper change, or what? In your situation, if I had already told him THREE TIMES where I was going to be and then he proceeded to ask me where I was, I'd say, "Out." Why is it any of his freaking business at this point? And "he was cool" after that? Oh, how very progressive of him. LOL...sorry, MC - I didn't mean to go off on your BF, but if he's going to play the "I can't listen that deeply" game, then I'd be playing the, "What do you mean, 'where was I'" game. People do that because #1, they're lazy and #2, they've gotten away with it before. No I understand what you are saying. Curves is a short workout and he's not really an overly controlling person mostly because he is sponatneous and often goes off and does his own thing without consulting me..though his behavior seems controlling. You're not the first person to make that connection. Its not that he was MAD that I wasn't home he just didn't know why. If he plans to come over, and then Im not home he gets...disappointed.
carhill Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 If he plans to come over, and then I'm not home he gets...disappointed. I'd probably be too. I imagine, were the circumstances reversed, so would you. The key is in how we handle such disappointments and communicate that to our partners (or friends, or families). Your guy still has some work to do in that regard, as well as in how he retains information. I could go into a long boring monologue about compatibility but will keep it simple. You and your BF are intimate. You share intimate thoughts, feelings and bodily fluids. This promotes a simple process called emotional memory. Memories formed from emotion are some of the most permanent and easily retrieved memories we will ever form. When a man is truly intimate with you and truly in love with you, he will remember, because, simply, if you are communicating clearly, your voice imprints that information on his brain. It is a voice he will always hear, even when you are not there. So, how does utopia sound? If your BF has the self-awareness, he can become just as dull and boring and instantly recollective as I am. Or, he can endlessly, and oh so cutely, frustrate you for eternity. Your choice.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I'd probably be too. I imagine, were the circumstances reversed, so would you. The key is in how we handle such disappointments and communicate that to our partners (or friends, or families). Your guy still has some work to do in that regard, as well as in how he retains information. I could go into a long boring monologue about compatibility but will keep it simple. You and your BF are intimate. You share intimate thoughts, feelings and bodily fluids. This promotes a simple process called emotional memory. Memories formed from emotion are some of the most permanent and easily retrieved memories we will ever form. When a man is truly intimate with you and truly in love with you, he will remember, because, simply, if you are communicating clearly, your voice imprints that information on his brain. It is a voice he will always hear, even when you are not there. So, how does utopia sound? If your BF has the self-awareness, he can become just as dull and boring and instantly recollective as I am. Or, he can endlessly, and oh so cutely, frustrate you for eternity. Your choice. *sigh* Why aren't there more of THESE men in the world? Carhill, where would a woman about my age (29) go about finding one of you? Or do I have to wait until I'm older for guys to become like that? ---------- MC - I totally agree with what Carhill said. Your BF could discover more effective ways to communicate with you. And the whole "I can't listen that deeply because I'm a man" is BS. Not listening is a choice. I'm guilty of it, myself. I have really bad ADD - so my mind can wander really easily. But if the person and what they are saying is IMPORTANT, I hear what they tell me. Choosing not to is actually quite rude.
carhill Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 As an aside but perhaps an indicator of the psychological dynamic, one of my earliest and most voiced complaints in MC was that my wife would ignore me when I started talking if I didn't warm her up and get her attention first. Her reason was that her thoughts were elsewhere and she just didn't hear me. The interesting part is, now that we're getting divorced, there's no lag at all in her attention. She, almost without exception, retains information completely and accurately. I'll post in the 'settling' thread about other aspects of this psychology. It's an interesting combination. Lastly, and I don't know if it's relevant, women are and have often been annoyed by my style of reflective listening; that being reflecting back to them what I hear. It doesn't provide them with the long uninterrupted silences that they seem to require to gush it all out. It's like my reflection throws them off-track, and that annoys them. The OP made mention about women talking less if men would balance the communication equation. Be careful of what you wish for
Trialbyfire Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I agree and disagree with what`s being said. If it were something important that requires retention, I agree that a man who loves you, will pay attention and easily recall information. We`re talking about a work-out session. Plse, put this into perspective and don`t blow it out of proportion. This isn`t a respect issue.
carhill Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I think the psychological impetus for the behavior does merit attention. OP, do you think you're blowing this out of proportion? Are you going to leave him over this? What I'm hearing is a vent, combined with some concern over a pattern of behavior. I don't think it's necessarily serious, as long as the OP is comfortable with the dynamic continuing. As you often say, TBF, we teach people how to treat us
Author MusicChick24 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 I agree and disagree with what`s being said. If it were something important that requires retention, I agree that a man who loves you, will pay attention and easily recall information. We`re talking about a work-out session. Plse, put this into perspective and don`t blow it out of proportion. This isn`t a respect issue. I'm sorry but I must say you haven't been paying attention. I didn't say it was a respect issue and I never said I was MAD or UPSET that he couldn't remember. I simply said that if he forgets not to blame it on his gender or get upset with me because he forgot. If you forget you forget. But please no excuses.
Author MusicChick24 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 I think the psychological impetus for the behavior does merit attention. OP, do you think you're blowing this out of proportion? Are you going to leave him over this? What I'm hearing is a vent, combined with some concern over a pattern of behavior. I don't think it's necessarily serious, as long as the OP is comfortable with the dynamic continuing. As you often say, TBF, we teach people how to treat us No no don't misunderstand this is nothing that I'm going to leave him over...as far as him and I go the issue is done. I just don't like excuses. I started this thread because I believe that if someone forgets something or doesn't do something etc...just stand up and say "I forgot". Don't sit there and tell me about how you couldn't remember because you are a MAN because that is BS. That was my only thing.
Trialbyfire Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I'm sorry but I must say you haven't been paying attention. I didn't say it was a respect issue and I never said I was MAD or UPSET that he couldn't remember. I simply said that if he forgets not to blame it on his gender or get upset with me because he forgot. If you forget you forget. But please no excuses.Do you approach him in the similar fashion as how you've just responded to me? If so, I'm sorry but I must say no wonder he looks for excuses to cop out of non-issues, if this is a recurring reaction! Actually, I was paying attention and since your response, have reread the opening post but haven't changed my mind. Unless he's forgetting important things, move on. The magnitude of the punishment should fit the magnitude of the crime. As well, copping out to being a guy is no big deal over something insignificant. My man cops out being a guy all the time and for that matter, I accuse him of being a guy! He can grunt just like the other boys, as well as communicate in an awesome way, just like the other boys!
carhill Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 OP, question.... This doesn't sound like an isolated incident. Even though superficially innocuous, are you afraid this is a harbinger of a more serious behavioral issue, perhaps one that might impinge on your feeling of security later on? I ask this because I, too, dealt with such behaviors while dating my wife. I brushed them off and focused on the good things. The problem was, I didn't see the impetus, which ultimately grew to abandonment during a very difficult time in my life while married. The signs were there, early on, but I didn't perceive them for the issue they were to become. I'm not saying this will happen to you. I'm just saying be aware of your dynamic and do what is healthy for you. Could you tell him that you are not concerned with what men do but are very much interested in what *your* man does and then go on to tell him about how you feel when he forgets things like this? If you have, what is his response? If you haven't, do it today
bayouboi Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I can't remember why I'm posting in this thread, but that's probably because I'm a dood. 8)
Trialbyfire Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 I can't remember why I'm posting in this thread, but that's probably because I'm a dood. 8)Pay attention dood!
Star Gazer Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 No I did not use a gender stereotype because I addressed that women use them too... In fairness to lab rat, you did. The title, and the OP, is in and of itself, a stereotype based on a particular gender, in this case, men. You're categorically saying that "MEN blame their gender for things."
Star Gazer Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Do you approach him in the similar fashion as how you've just responded to me? If so, I'm sorry but I must say no wonder he looks for excuses to cop out of non-issues, if this is a recurring reaction! I know, right? Actually, I was paying attention and since your response, have reread the opening post but haven't changed my mind. Unless he's forgetting important things, move on. The magnitude of the punishment should fit the magnitude of the crime. As well, copping out to being a guy is no big deal over something insignificant. My man cops out being a guy all the time and for that matter, I accuse him of being a guy! He can grunt just like the other boys, as well as communicate in an awesome way, just like the other boys! Agreed!
Trialbyfire Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Look MusicChick, I'm not trying to put you down or offend. Your man will never think like you or be a woman, for that matter. Embrace the difference, as long as it's not over significant issues. Try not to sweat the small stuff but jump on the truly bad behaviours. carhill is far more insightful than most men or most people, for that matter.
Star Gazer Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 "Thread closed"? I hope you don't take that sort of "my way or the highway" attitude with your BF or others. Look MusicChick, I'm not trying to put you down or offend. Your man will never think like you or be a woman, for that matter. Embrace the difference, as long as it's not over significant issues. Try not to sweat the small stuff but jump on the truly bad behaviours. carhill is far more insightful than most men or most people, for that matter. Agreed again.
Author MusicChick24 Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 "Thread closed"? I hope you don't take that sort of "my way or the highway" attitude with your BF or others. Agreed again. I never said it was my way or the highway. I just don't have the desire to keep up the threat anymore. So hold you judgement.
carhill Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 And he bakes a mean carrot cake and eats raspberry Jello raw. Man, I'm PMS'ing today!! Hey, OP, glad you found some resolution. Best wishes!
Author MusicChick24 Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 And he bakes a mean carrot cake and eats raspberry Jello raw. Man, I'm PMS'ing today!! Carhill I must say not to be offensive or mean to the other members here but of all the threads I've posted about my relationship you seem to be the only one who gives me meaningful and thoughtout replies. And you're never mean or cold nomatter how hard headed or pissed I am. I also must say I value your advice because the way you talk you think alot like my bf. So hearing what you have to say is really as close as I can come to seeing inside my bfs brain.
D-Lish Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 I can work with a guy that cites his gender as an excuse for certain things... I CANNOT however, work with a partner that blames my gender for things;)
Author MusicChick24 Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 I can work with a guy that cites his gender as an excuse for certain things... I CANNOT however, work with a partner that blames my gender for things;) I understand that. I can't count how many times my Bf says "You're just angry because your PMS-ing" and I'm like..."no..actually you're not even close." He says it sometimes I think he takes away my right to have valid feelings and emotions.
IrishCarBomb Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 "Sorry I took my pants off and held you down for a while. But hey, I'm a guy and we get horny. For that reason it is perfectly ok that I disregard any appropriate or normative behavior and heave myself at you. It's not criminal baby! It's love." "Plus... you know it's sexy when I'm all grabby 'n' stuff."
Recommended Posts