Complicated Relationship Issue - Needing an Answer!

[worriedmaddie]

Wow, this fiasco has been going on so long it's hard to summarize it. It all starts with last August. I was with a boy, let's call him Dave, for almost 3 years long-distance since high school. We move in with each other in June, by July he says he loves me but hasn't had enough sexual experiences to commit, and moves out. He wants to leave, "have some fun," and call me in December to see if we can pick up where we left off. I tell him I'm not going to sit around pining for him August through December, and that if he leaves he's risking us. He says it's a chance he has to take and jets.

 

I'm devastated and call my friends over to comfort me. They take me to a frat's birthday party where I meet the birthday boy, let's call him Eddie. We were both tanked, and we ended up making out. He wants to take me upstairs, I tell him I don't move that fast and drunkenly give him my number. I don't expect a call. Imagine my surprise when he actually calls three days later!

 

Now the complications begin. I met Eddie three days after Dave left, not enough time to get closure before moving on. However, Eddie's very smart, sweet, funny, and drop-dead gorgeous, and I don't want to turn down his invitation for a date. He's the type of guy that wouldn't wait a month and call back. So I take the chance and go on a date, then another and another. I start falling for Eddie. The only glitch is I'm still pretty hung up on Dave as well.

 

I get really drunk one night and dial Dave, which starts this back and forth between us. It turns out he feels he's made a huge mistake and wants to come back, and we start talking. Nothing explicit, just testing the water to see if anything's still there. I go home for a break one week, and Dave drives back to hang out with me. We end up hanging out for two days and sleeping together, but I find that I no longer have the connection to Dave that I used to. His leaving me broke our connection, and I didn't think I'd ever get it back. Note, by this time Eddie and I had been dating for about 4 weeks, and were in no way exclusive.

 

I go home and explain to Dave that this won't work. He gets really desperate over the next month, even booking an elopement. When things don't look like they're gonna go his way, things go very sour. Let's just say that bridge is now burned. Anyway, I knew that this all would hurt Eddie and I didn't feel it was his business, so I kept this on my email and confided in my best friend. Here's my big mistake that I'll admit - Eddie asks if anything happened with Dave over the break, and not wanting him to dump me (he's jealous, even if we weren't exclusive), I say no.

 

Things get exclusive and serious with Eddie for the next 5 months, but then he starts to pull away. He begins ignoring my calls, going to and throwing frat parties without bringing me. Not just not bringing me to some, I mean not bringing me to any, not telling me about them, lying and saying he's not going, and even inviting friends of mine. He's not messing around on me, just pulling away. This hurts just the same, I confront him about it on our 6 month, he says he's tired of me, and dumps me.

 

Two weeks later he calls and says he's made a mistake, but he doesn't want to be bf/gf. He still wants to be exclusive, date, take me to parties, sleep together, but just doesn't want the title. I figure it's a weird guy thing, and everything else is just how it was, so I accept.

 

A month goes by, things are great again. I even start to plan a cruise and leave some options in my inbox for him to look at while I'm at class. Turns out he ignores those and goes into my history, where he finds all of Dave and I's emails. He reads that we slept together as well as some sentences I wrote simply saying I don't know whether leaving Dave was a mistake. Remember, this was back when Eddie and I had been dating for four weeks (so basically four dates, once a week), and I had JUST broken off a three year relationship with Dave. Eddie flips out and dumps me again.

 

I'm devastated without Eddie, so I try to get him back. He accepts tentatively after two more weeks, but says I'm on "probation" and he will only return to a bf/gf relationship with me when he regains trust in me. School gets crazy for us both and I start seeing him less and less. Eddie returns to his old sneaky ways, doesn't pick up the phone anymore and doesn't bring me to anything. No dates even anymore. I voice that I'm upset about this, and he promises me summer.

 

Now we're in July, and things have been going the same. He never returns my calls, he plays the "too cool to be nice or interested" card when we're together, and we never go on dates, just hang out at one another's house sometimes and sleep together. I try to constantly arrange fun things and he turns me down. I even mentioned sailing lessons - he turned me down, then turned around and took the class with his two guy friends. He says he's still not ready to commit to bf/gf. It's been 11 months now, and I don't think it's ever gonna happen. He says we can only see each other 3 times or less a week (we live a block from each other) and he won't tell me what he does other nights when he's not with me. I'm in love with him, he used to be in love with me, now he never says it anymore. I'm in so much pain, and I bend over backwards for nothing. I just don't know if it's worth it anymore. He calls occasionally, so I know that he doesn't exactly want out, but I don't know where we're going with this. Advice? I'm so lost and hurt. I don't wanna give him up, but it doesn't seem I have a chance at happiness with him anymore if he doesn't want to change.

[GorillaTheater]

Sounds like things are over with Dave. That's good; this business of him wanting to "get some more sexual experience" and then resuming things with you was over-the-top disrespectful.

 

But I guess what you really want is advice regarding Eddie. My advice is to walk away and go "no contact." It started off on shaky ground; you were still hung up on Dave and Eddie was the rebound guy. To top it all off, you slept with Dave and lied to Eddie about it. He in turn in screwing you over emotionally.

 

The relationship, to the extent there is still one, is too damaged in my opinion to repair. The healthiest thing the two of you can do is to let it go.

 

Don't jump into another relationship for a while. Let yourself heal for at least a few months and rediscover yourself.

[New_life]

I wouldnt insist with eddie, maintain strong. Just send him a sorry email explaining the situation with dave at that time, and say you miss him but he is in his right to be mad and distant.

 

Give him space, do as he does. And try to move on, I would think he is coming back as he once did. If not, he sounds like a typical frat guy, so get someone better!