CARL45 Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I know a female teacher friend of mine who I am trying to date who has children. Unlike other women I have tried to ask out she does not seem to play games around me. The only question I have is should I date her because she has children and I can't imagine the problems and issues that could arrive if I actually date her. Is this a good idea or not?
utterer of lies Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 She'll have much less time than women without children, spontaneous trips or weekends somewhere out of the question, you'll always be second priority, she'll talk your ear full of boring stories of her kids... so my advice: don't.
Thaddeus Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I respectfully disagree with utterer. Yes, he's correct in that there's a level of spontaneity that might be missing due to the fact that she has children, but I personally wouldn't see that as any sort of deal-breaker. If you're comfortable with her - and clearly you are - then by all means date her.
sally4sara Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I say don't for a different reason. It depends on why you've avoided women with children in the past. If you don't like children or don't want to deal with children that are not "yours", leave the lady alone. Her and her kids deserve someone serious and accepting.
Lizzie60 Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I can't see why it wouldn't be a good idea.. unless you absolutely hate children.. Just make sure that, if you date, you won't meet the children unless you are both really sure that it could last for a while (like a fairly long while)... Often children are introduced to new 'dates' waaayy too soon.. and it only hurt them or mess them up. Leave the children out of your 'dating' for a while until you're both quite sure you're in it for a nice ride.. Good luck... Kids are fun! (how old are they?)
MrGeorge Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 hi carl, thats great topic you brought up. MY first suggestion would be to (if you haven't done this already) set up some scenario where you get meet her children and get a little facetime with them.Its always a plus if you have some parenting experience and hit it off with them. Some the reversal can happen, you hit off with kids and then you alienate from your partner. Anyways Im not mr expert. I would to strike some kind of balance between her and them. I also feel for single parents whether its the father or mother(especially single mom). I have three daughters two are grown up and my seventeen year old lives with her mother and stepfather. And once again i really feel for those single moms who have to work and support children on her own.l I guess thats i had so much admiration for Erin Brockavich.
prettybaby Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 It really depends on you (your life style, your priorities, your personality type, and whether you'd be okay being around someone else's kids). For me personally: someone with kids is out of the question. I'd be one crappy stepmother and it's a role I'm not interested in playing. The extra headaches that come along with someone else's kids just sound like a nightmare to me. Especially if the ex/other parent is still in the picture. But if you think you can handle it, then sure, why not.
lab_brat Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Do it. I'm a single mom, though not dating currently as i haven't the time. Having children doesn't change the person you are. She sounds nice, educated and responsible and you seem to like her. Sure, she may have less time than someone who hasn't got kids, but who wants a partner that is around 24-7 and has no life of her own anyway? After a certain age, a sizeable proportion of single people out there (both male and female) have kids, so it becomes less of an issue anyway. I wouldn't stress over it, get to know her for her, then if it gets serious, you can worry about the rest. Having said that, if you are someone who actively dislikes kids, i wouldn't go there.
prettybaby Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Why is everyone saying "if you don't like kids, don't do it?" I mean, yeah, it makes sense. But for example, I personally love kids. However, there is a difference between getting along with children and actually becoming their step mom or step dad. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, loving kids doesn't automatically mean that this particular role will suit you on the long run. So I would think about this a little more than just asking myself if I like kids or not. I love kids, can't wait to have my own, but as far as other people's children are concerned, it's a territory I could never see myself stepping into. You should also know yourself well enough first. For example, if their dad still gets visitation or shared custody, you'll have to deal with your lover's ex on top of her kids. So it's really a matter of you knowing yourself, your limits, your goals, your priorities, and whether this is something you could realistically imagine getting yourself into.
utterer of lies Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Why is everyone saying "if you don't like kids, don't do it?" I mean, yeah, it makes sense. But for example, I personally love kids. However, there is a difference between getting along with children and actually becoming their step mom or step dad. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, loving kids doesn't automatically mean that this particular role will suit you on the long run. So I would think about this a little more than just asking myself if I like kids or not. I love kids, can't wait to have my own, but as far as other people's children are concerned, it's a territory I could never see myself stepping into. So true. I love kids too, but I don't want a gf with kids from another man. Nooooo thank you. You should also know yourself well enough first. For example, if their dad still gets visitation or shared custody, you'll have to deal with your lover's ex on top of her kids. So it's really a matter of you knowing yourself, your limits, your goals, your priorities, and whether this is something you could realistically imagine getting yourself into. A woman having kids from a previous relationship is just a big negative. Sorry, single mothers, but that's how it is.
Thaddeus Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 A woman having kids from a previous relationship is just a big negative. Sorry, single mothers, but that's how it is. Utterer does not speak for all men. Certainly not for me. I'm happy to date single mothers. Sure, there are times when we can't be as spontaneous as maybe we'd like, but that's OK. We can make up for that once the kids are asleep.
AlektraClementine Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 It's all about what you prefer and what she's after. If she's not looking for something long term and you aren't either, don't bother with meeting the kids. I'll tell you how it went down with my fiance and me. I waited 6 months before introducing him to my children. My ex and I have a good relationship and he has the children 3 days a week so I had plenty of time to devote to cultivating the relationship with my fiance and determining it's long-term potential. From there, we took it slow. He came over for family dinners about once a week. Then we proceeded to outings together every so often. Slow is the way so that kids and new guy don't feel inundated in unfamiliar territory. That all progressed to now. We're engaged. He eats dinner with us every night (no over-night stays with the kids yet) and we do lots of fun stuff together. He gets along great with the ex. And sometimes all of us do things together. Ex is re-married already. Last week, he took the kids for the first time without me. They went roller skating - I got a text mid-way through saying "fixed the first accident with a cookie". haha. He'll do just fine. Just don't involve the kids until you determine whether or not this will be a long term deal.
utterer of lies Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Utterer does not speak for all men. Certainly not for me. I'm happy to date single mothers. Sure, there are times when we can't be as spontaneous as maybe we'd like, but that's OK. We can make up for that once the kids are asleep. Just because it's a big negative doesn't mean no-one will date them. It just means that there have to be positive aspects to make up for it. Do you really want to suggest that you don't see a 'having kids' as a negative aspect, and that you'd rather date a single mother than a single non-mother?
Thaddeus Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Just because it's a big negative doesn't mean no-one will date them. It just means that there have to be positive aspects to make up for it. It just means that it's a big negative in your world. And that's perfectly fine, I'm not making any assumption about what you may think is good or bad. All I'm saying is that I have no problem whatsoever dating a single mom. No problem at all.
LovieDove24 Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Just because it's a big negative doesn't mean no-one will date them. It just means that there have to be positive aspects to make up for it. Do you really want to suggest that you don't see a 'having kids' as a negative aspect, and that you'd rather date a single mother than a single non-mother? He was not saying he'd "rather" date a single mother. He was saying it doesn't matter either way.
Thornton Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 If you date her you can expect to have her kids around a lot of the time, so you'll be doing activities like going to the park rather than activities for adults-only. This includes nights when you stay over at her house; you won't be able to have loud wild sex or laze in bed together. Trips away will cost twice as much because you have to take the kids too, and going out together will require finding (and paying for) a babysitter. You will have very little spontaneity because the kids will be around all the time. Kids also cost an awful lot of money to raise - YOUR money, if you end up marrying her - and that's for the rest of their lives, xmas and birthday gifts, driving lessons, buying a car or going to college etc, and then the spending starts all over again when the grandkids arrive. The good points are these: you might truly love her as an individual, enough that nothing else matters, and you know that you don't want anyone else regardless of whether they have kids or not. If you like kids you might enjoy being around them and having them in your life, and if you truly care about her then you'll be willing to deal with her kids rather than lose her. Personally I would rather date a single non-parent than a single parent, for the reasons listed in the first paragraph, but if you meet someone you really like it's a shame to miss out on that relationship just because they have kids; you may not meet a non-parent who you like as much. My bf has kids, but fortunately they don't live with him and he only sees them one afternoon every two weeks, so they don't infringe upon our freedom. If he had custody I definitely wouldn't date him though, so I can see why some men are less keen to date single mothers because they usually have custody. Plus my bf is the same now as before he had kids - I don't mean to be rude, but surely a woman can't be the same physiologically after she's squeezed out a couple of kids?
sally4sara Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 If you date her you can expect to have her kids around a lot of the time, so you'll be doing activities like going to the park rather than activities for adults-only. This includes nights when you stay over at her house; you won't be able to have loud wild sex or laze in bed together. Trips away will cost twice as much because you have to take the kids too, and going out together will require finding (and paying for) a babysitter. You will have very little spontaneity because the kids will be around all the time. Kids also cost an awful lot of money to raise - YOUR money, if you end up marrying her - and that's for the rest of their lives, xmas and birthday gifts, driving lessons, buying a car or going to college etc, and then the spending starts all over again when the grandkids arrive. The good points are these: you might truly love her as an individual, enough that nothing else matters, and you know that you don't want anyone else regardless of whether they have kids or not. If you like kids you might enjoy being around them and having them in your life, and if you truly care about her then you'll be willing to deal with her kids rather than lose her. Personally I would rather date a single non-parent than a single parent, for the reasons listed in the first paragraph, but if you meet someone you really like it's a shame to miss out on that relationship just because they have kids; you may not meet a non-parent who you like as much. My bf has kids, but fortunately they don't live with him and he only sees them one afternoon every two weeks, so they don't infringe upon our freedom. If he had custody I definitely wouldn't date him though, so I can see why some men are less keen to date single mothers because they usually have custody. Plus my bf is the same now as before he had kids - I don't mean to be rude, but surely a woman can't be the same physiologically after she's squeezed out a couple of kids? Is your BF aware you're GLAD he has such a limited time in their lives?!? THIS is why I tell most people to NOT date single parents if they have doubts. The last thing a parent needs is a SO that grows happy over their relationship with their kids waning. If I had to go back to court to argue custody of my son again, and found out my SO was secretly rooting for me to lose so we could have a more spontanious lifestyle, I would drop him flat and be outright disgusted that I had ever dealt with him!
Thornton Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Is your BF aware you're GLAD he has such a limited time in their lives?!? I don't think he's aware that I'm glad we don't have them around too much, but he's aware that I wouldn't want them around more often. I initially refused to date him because I like my freedom and I don't want kids hanging around... but he said if anything happened to their mother the kids would live with their grandmother in their own town, not with him in the city... and also it's quite a drive to where they live so they can't exactly drop by... and he only sees them once every couple of weeks... plus they're teens and are almost grown up anyway. So I agreed to date him based on the fact that he's effectively single, because usually I don't date anyone with kids. As it stands, he drives off to see them for the day every few weeks, and I stay in the city and have a pampering day at the health club.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 As it stands, he drives off to see them for the day every few weeks, and I stay in the city and have a pampering day at the health club. No motherly instinct I take it. I see some of those dried up Feminists from the 60's who felt that having kids would sacrifice their ability to find themselves... or some nonsense. To a woman they are the most incomplete and selfish humans I know. They completely disgust me.
Thornton Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 No motherly instinct I take it. They don't need another mother, they have one already. Plus I'm too young to be their mother anyway. Occasionally I'll accompany my bf when he goes to visit them (maybe once every few months) and at other times I'll send a gift of candy or books or something. They speak to me on the phone occasionally and we have a very civil relationship. But I'm not in a position to be a parent to them, geographically or otherwise.
prettybaby Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 No motherly instinct I take it. What kind of comment is that? They're teenagers, they don't need a second mother.
sally4sara Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 What kind of comment is that? They're teenagers, they don't need a second mother. But if momma dies, the teenagers go to their elderly grand parents rather than their father or his GF walks? Thorton's attitude and lifestyle choice is her right. But she isn't a healthy match for her SO's life or his children's.
Thornton Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I very much doubt that at their age they would want to move away from their town and school, friends and boyfriends. Particularly when their father works too many hours to care for them. My bf was the one who said they would never live with him, not me. But this is hijacking the OP's thread... sorry OP.
MissViolet Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I see where Thornton is coming from. She's young with no baggage, so I don't see how her going to the spa while her bf goes off to see his children implies "no motherly instincts". Personally, I would never date a man with children, regardless of how wonderful, nice, ect. he is. There's too much excess baggage. Like why would I want that if I have the option to date someone with no attachments. And if I was a man, same thing...
Andy L Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I'm a single mom, though not dating currently as i haven't the time. That's why "utter of lies" said not do it.. Having children doesn't change the person you are. I agree with you in this point!
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