dior84 Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 to make a long story short, my ex was addicted to cocaine/alcohol it caused him to be hot and cold, and love me one day break up with me the next. for all the love and care i put into that relationship to feel people can be so cold and heartless its unbelieveable! its been a week and ive struggled yet sucseeded in not calling or texting him. How do you let go when you love the person so much but questions their love for you? Is it best to keep no contact, or wait a few weeks and try
PinkToes Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 The best thing you can do is continue to maintain no contact. If it's difficult, take it one day at a time. Today you won't call him, maybe tomorrow. Every day, make the same decision. I was dumped by an addict once. He used to tell me that he wanted a better life; he no longer wanted to associate with the people who brought him down. When he left, he expressed surprised that I was like everyone else in his life who'd had a problem with the drugs. He didn't get that if everyone he'd ever been close to couldn't deal with it, maybe they were right. Part of him wanted to change, but the addiction spoke louder. I was a threat to his habit -- even though I really tried to be patient and supportive and understanding -- so I had to go. It didn't really have anything to do with me. Your ex is probably the same way. His hot & cold behavior was the drugs & alcohol talking. Your love can't compete with that, no matter how hard you try. His addiction is his mistress; always fun, no strings, no effort required. You just got caught in the middle. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Stay strong; keep the no contact. You'll get there.
SweetyBear Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 My ex-husband was an addict. I've been divorced for about 10 years now, but I still am in touch with his family, so I know about his life. It's been a downward spiral ever since. You don't need to attach yourself to someone like that. If he comes back after having been clean for a while and can prove to you he's attending meetings and not using, maybe hear him out. It's unfortunate to see someone you love be so controlled by a substance, but please know it absolutely is controlling him. Even if he's not doing it now, chances are he'll steal from you, lie to you, do whatever he needs to do to get to his drug. My ex-husband was a good man before the addiction and now I always expect the worst where he's concerned because that's what I've seen over and over with him.
NotSoSmiley Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I was with my ex for 3 years; we were friends for a long time and we got each other through a whole lot. But, he drank (runs in the family - his Dad is a recovering alcoholic) and when things got serious between us, I squashed the drinking. Beer was ok, but nothing hard (I couldn't stand it when he had Jack Daniels). Around the beginning of this year, I started to notice rolled up papers. Well, come to find out he was snorting Oxycotins and Perks-whatever he could get his hands on. He asked me in February to move in with him; we have been talking about getting a house, getting married and having a family. But, when he asked me, I really surprised myself and said "no." Our relationship totally went down the toilet after that point. We made it until Easter and then he said he just "wanted to be friends." I knew he had found my replacement. We haven't spoken since then-it was sort of cold turkey. No calls or texts from him and I refuse to call and check up on him. We still have mutual friends-a month after breaking up with me, he moved in with the new gf. I know that it isn't going to work-she just happens to have a house and is charging him next to nothing for rent (stupid woman-more $$ for his drugs and alcohol). I tried to ignore the red flags for so long, but when he asked me to move in, I knew a ring was going to follow. And, I couldn't imagine spending my life with someone that I could never count on. How could I trust him to take care of me and any children we may have had? I tried to get him into counseling-told him I would go with him...but, he said he had me to talk to and he didn't need anyone else. It has been 4 or 5 months (I stopped counting) and I have been in therapy since we broke up. When he comes back, I need to be strong enough to tell him to leave. There isn't a day that passes that I don't miss him but I also know that I deserve so much better. He loved me, but he loved the drugs/booze more and that is not fair to me. It still hurts like hell and it took a long time for me to stop worrying about him. I can only hope that through counseling and with time things will get better. But, I have my good days and the bad ones. Sorry for sharing all of this, but it was encouraging to read your blog. It is an entirely different beast when someone breaks up with you because they are an addict. It changes everything. It also makes it that much harder because you know that it was never a question of love-the love was always there. It is the circumstances that make it unbearable. And sometimes love doesn't conquer all-I learned that lesson the hard way. Good luck to you!
2sunny Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 you aren't in love with the true man he is capable of being... you are in love with the addict that he has shown you... big difference!
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