Why did he give me his phone #?

[writergal]

Thanks Kamille. You're right too about not expecting total devotion from one person - online or in real life - before exploring if he/she is a good match. It is unfair to put all my eggs in one basket and expect that 1 man (who has other profiles in the wings he's perusing) will be totally devoted to me off the bat, when I'm just a collection of photos and content online, before he were to meet me in person. Makes me think of the movie "Grease" and that song "Hopelessly Devoted to You" between Olivia Newton John and John Travolta. And I can see now, that my rigid position with the whole phone # etiquette painted that picture for everyone.

 

Like you, I too want to have the freedom to express my interest in the man if I find him attractive. But I just don't want to make the first move anymore. And my rigid boundaries with the phone # standard is because I don't completely trust my own judgment of men's intentions, if I alway am the first one making the moves. Men can take advantage of my eagerness (as they have often done) to please and then months later, I'm alone again, head spinning, wondering why they rejected me.

 

So my whole stance on the phone # is based on putting up a boundary to protect myself from being played. And yes, its ridiculous to put so much pressure on that, when the dating game is more complex. I want to be assured from the start that they are genuinely interested in me and for some reason, attach the expectation to the phone # asking, as one way to find that out, which yes, now that I read back through all the posts on this thread, is a bit extreme, if not old fashioned. But I still want a man to ask me for my phone number. God help me, I'm stubborn. But I'm also willing to see things from others points of view and that essentially can help me change my POV too.

 

Yes. I'm so glad I talked to this guy. The moment he opened his mouth, the fantasy I'd built up about him shattered into a million tiny pieces. Shows how gullible and eager I am -- to my detriment sometimes. But I owe this guy nothing so I don't have to meet him in person.

[butcher's hook]

Yes. I'm so glad I talked to this guy. The moment he opened his mouth, the fantasy I'd built up about him shattered into a million tiny pieces. Shows how gullible and eager I am -- to my detriment sometimes. But I owe this guy nothing so I don't have to meet him in person.

 

There you go! If he had suggested in calling you and taken that initiative you STILL would have been turned off by him and the phone conversation, which further proves my point that it ain't real until you make it as real as possible. This usually means face to face. A phone conversation does wonders in figuring out if you even want to take it to that next level, and if you do meet he can still do all the chasing. Trust me I am just as "old fashioned" as you are. I never chase a guy, I never pursue, when I had done online dating I never ever contacted guys first, I put up my profile and my pictures and I let men come to me. If we did meet he still did the pursuing and initiating dates etc.

 

Think about it, you never have to worry about them having your number or last name and you can still keep anonymity and peace of mind that some heavy will not call you incessantly who couldn't take the hint that you are not interested. Talk about shielding yourself from possible harm it doesn't get better than that.

 

If you meet a person out and about you can sense if you want to see this person again it makes sense to want to give them your number for them to pursue you. Online, you have no clue what the heck is on the other side, who cares if he is really invested in you, you might meet him and realize you are not invested in him at all. The point is that the investment really happens after you are face to face. Then you can apply all the rules you want, I support that 100%.

 

 

To get hung up on "he should have asked to call me vs me call him" before he even has any sort of reason to be invested in you is giving it too much thought. If you have a year to waste online then fine, stick to your stern online rules.

 

I understand you don't want to get hurt, no one does, but the fact he asks you to call him is not how you find a player out. Only time and not allowing yourself to get emotionally invested through early physical/sexual contact will help you determine if a guy is out to play you and even then sometimes it's hard to tell.

[writergal]

I concede, I concede, heh heh! It's true. Hyperanalyzing whether or not a guy online asks me for my phone number will not protect me from their player-moves if they are indeed a player. Wolves wear sheep's clothing ALL the time in that sense.

 

Yes, yes. The real investment happens with face to face contact - I do agree with you there.

 

Now that I've removed my myopic lenses, I can see clearly now that wasting time worrying about whether or not the guy online calls me first, does not predict whether or not we'll be a good match for each other especially considering last night's phone call with match.com guy. We spoke for one hour on the phone and wow was it awkward. No conversational chemstry AT ALL.

 

First he asked me if I knew about the Rainbow people http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rainbow_Gathering and I was like, "Ah, I wear J-Crew and vote Republican. The only rainbow people I know of are the leprachauns that collect gold in a large pot (greedy buggars *wink*). And the only counterculture I belong to is a bunch of highly strung graduate students in education, who plot to overthrow our placement coordinator who is a total dimwit. And my idea of Utopia does not involve going to a national forest to sit with stinky hippie people to get high and be naked. Paradise for me is eating a chocolate ice-cream cone in the park on a sunny summer afternoon." He didn't get it. He was Mr. Grassroots man, all about taking down the government and filled me in on all the ways our gov't is plotting to destroy its own people.

 

A perfect example of what lies beneath a profile on match.com. All that glitters is not gold as they say. Talk about a case of the pyrite profile. Looks good on paper but one conversation reveals otherwise.

[AlektraClementine]

I guess I don't get it. I never read that book (He's Just Not That Into You). I did rent the movie recently. Boy do I want to send an invoice to the author demanding retribution for the two hours that he ultimately sucked from my life.

 

I call BS on most of those self help books. Wow - Never really agreed with Lizzie on anything before.

 

I asked a guy out 1 1/2 years ago.

 

Me: Would you like to go out on a date with me?

Him: Yes

Me: Well here's my number. You should call and ask me out on a date sometime.

 

Fast forward - We're engaged and getting married next spring.

[butcher's hook]

You're hilarious ""Ah, I wear J-Crew and vote Republican. The only rainbow people I know of are the leprachauns that collect gold in a large pot (greedy buggars *wink*). And the only counterculture I belong to is a bunch of highly strung graduate students in education, who plot to overthrow our placement coordinator who is a total dimwit..."

 

I'm telling you talking about online dating is turning my stomach as I hated it that much, but hey it was fine at the time and it got me out and not thinking about my ex at the time so it served its purpose BUT it was an exercise in futility for me. It became really tedious to have to meet men I never found chemistry with in person, and the worst part was trying to fight the ones who would not take rejection well. They would go into overdrive trying to convince me we would be fine together. It was so much work I really hated it. So having been there I can totally empathise with how much time you can waste worrying on silly things when in reality it often all comes crashing down as soon as you meet them.

 

Glad you are able to ease up, at the end of day I figured you don't want to waste your time.

[carhill]

Me: Would you like to go out on a date with me?

Him: Yes

Me: Well here's my number. You should call and ask me out on a date sometime.

 

Exactly

 

Conveys confidence, interest and expectation. The man still has the responsibility to pursue. Hope you're reading this, OP....

[writergal]

Alektra: Congratulations. Like I said before in this thread, I have always been the pursuer of my relationships with men. But none of them ever proposed to me as your man has.

 

Those self-help books may contain some BS, but I assure you, "He's Just Not That Into You," has some useful insight, if nothing else, into the dating games we play and how to maneuver around the obstacles that get in true love's way; mis-understandings, assumptions, ambivalence, commitment-phobia, cheating, lying, mis-communication, no-communication, laziness, silent-treatment...the list of obstacles is long.

 

If love were as simple as it was for you, well, I'd have been engaged and married a long time ago. But unfortunately, that did not happen for me. And it wasn't like I was a low-self-esteem mess in all of my previous relationships. I just have not found the right guy yet who meshes with me in a way that works for both of us.

 

butcher's hook: online dating is exhausting and god help me, I'd rather be meeting men in person. But, like I said throughout this thread, in my social circles, there just aren't that many men to choose from. So, I succumb to online dating. If nothing else, it will help me forget about my ex-bf and help me to refocus on myself again. But I'm no longer invested in match.com for finding "the one," as I was last year. This time, its for entertainment purposes only. And if a real relationship actually results, I'll be shocked.

[AlektraClementine]

No, not at all easy for me. I did some serious soul searching and decided to ask out a guy who wasn't a douchebag.

 

There are ways to tell. You just gotta be ready to date one of the good guys.

 

I know I make it sound simple. To me, it really is. Best of luck to you! I really do hope things go your way real soon!

[writergal]

Oh Alektra, I thought my ex-bf, Jeff, *was* one of the good guys. Even his EA (education assistant) who has been hot for him since his marriage failed last year, texted him, "I'm so glad we're friends. You're one of the good guys!" How do I know this? I was a snoopy g/f (in one of my previous threads I posted about her being an obstacle to my r/s with him). I was doing the dishes at his place before Xmas, his cellphone vibrated and nearly fell into the sink, so I grabbed it, and it had her name and her text mesage (he has a Blackberry so I didn't open the phone to see the message). He visited her at her parents place this summer when we were "on" again, where she revealed her true-love feelings for him. He called her disclosure a symptom of being "mentally ill," which gave me great nausea. I bet his "feelings" for me were just him projecting back to me, my feelings for him, if that makes any sense? I read that commitment phobic men tend to do that mirroring thing with women, so that the woman thinks he is reciprocating her feelings when really he's just reflecting back to her what she wants to see and hear. Ugh. The dating games we play with each other. Disgusting.

 

So when I read your comment about being ready to date one of the good guys, I had to cringe because I thought Jeff was a good guy. Turns out, he probably is a good guy but just not good for me. OR, it could be on me; I don't trust my own instinct about men, so I go for the familiar type which are the emotionally unavailable type sometimes, because I go against my better judgment. Oh, I'm probably a therapist's dream patient with my own relationship issues. I read an article that claims women who chase after emotionally available men actually are commitment-phobes themselves. So in theory, according to this article, I chase after men I know I can't have, to validate that 1) I'm not worthy of a healthy relationship and 2) I'm afraid to take the risk of having a healthy relationship - both perspectives are tied to low-self esteem and codependency issues, which I know I do struggle with.

 

I hope things go my way real soon too. But maybe this is my time to do some serious soul searching now, so that I can learn to distinguish between the authentic good guys and the disingenious wolves disguised in good-guy's clothing (bastards, all of them!).

[boogieboy]

So in theory, according to this article, I chase after men I know I can't have, to validate that 1) I'm not worthy of a healthy relationship and 2) I'm afraid to take the risk of having a healthy relationship - both perspectives are tied to low-self esteem and codependency issues, which I know I do struggle with.

.

 

I dont that that article is accurate, you seem like you do want a healthy relationship. But naturally humans want a challenge, so maybe you like working for the relationship? I mean you know what its like when a guy isnt a "challenge", and that turns you off, its natural. Maybe when you get something going with a guy you dont want to trash it too fast based on things that seem small at the time?

[BobSacamento]

OMG if you are on Match.com you cannot go by the conventional dating mumbo jumbo. This is unconventional dating, tt's a whole new breed. Call him.