Why did he give me his phone #?

[Truly Lost]

Boogieboy...you don't even know me. I choose to handle dating in any way I see fit. I'm not a chicken or acting like a coward, thats just you saying that.

 

I say good night to these people and if I choose to continue hanging out with the person later I will. It's my choice. I don't owe that person anything. If I want to tell the person I don't want to see you again, I will. If I don't want to deal with it I won't. I've been sweet as pie to many people in my past and found that being kind didn't always work. Also, I've had more than my fair share of being mistreated and treated disrepectfully, so don't preach to me about what is right or wrong. Anyway this debate is boring me....yawn...

[boogieboy]

Boogieboy...you don't even know me. I choose to handle dating in any way I see fit. I'm not a chicken or acting like a coward, thats just you saying that.

 

I say good night to these people and if I choose to continue hanging out with the person later I will. It's my choice. I don't owe that person anything. If I want to tell the person I don't want to see you again, I will. If I don't want to deal with it I won't. I've been sweet as pie to many people in my past and found that being kind didn't always work. Also, I've had more than my fair share of being mistreated and treated disrepectfully, so don't preach to me about what is right or wrong. Anyway this debate is boring me....yawn...

 

Of course youre bailing out. Yeah I was gonna say, shouldnt you be ignoring me, which is your normal cowardly way of dealing with people?

[Truly Lost]

***Yawn****

[Shygirl15]

Talk about over-analyzing. Why don't you just give him a chance and see what happens? I too, almost refused to call someone from Match for the same reason but I'm glad I eventually made the call.

 

Just call him and see what happens, you have nothing to lose anyway.

[Stark]

It's my choice. I don't owe that person anything.

 

Thats a very selfish attitude to have and completely wrong in the process.

 

If you've invested time into someone, they are owed an explanation as to why you no longer want to see them, not being ignored. It's called being human and having respect for people as people, and not some playtoy for you.

[boogieboy]

Thats a very selfish attitude to have and completely wrong in the process.

 

If you've invested time into someone, they are owed an explanation as to why you no longer want to see them, not being ignored. It's called being human and having respect for people as people, and not some playtoy for you.

 

I knew i wasnt crazy.

[writergal]

No. You're not crazy Boogieboy. I agree with Stark's opinion that you owe it to be honest and considerate of the other person, regardless of how you feel.

 

The alternative of giving someone the silent treatment is a total cowardice move. Just because you sweep the dirt under the rug, doesn't mean the dirt will disappear and go away. When you walk over the rug, there will be spots where its rough because the dirts still there.

 

To have a clean conscience, is to respect the person enough to say, "This isn't working out, good luck," or however you phrase the rejection. And while rejection totally hurts, its better to know the outcome than be left stunned in silence, wondering what the hell went wrong.

 

My ex-bf was the king of silent treatment. And what is really despicable about him, is that he is a runner, when confronted with any conflict in his relationships. He did it to his ex-wife and he dumped women left and right in droves after his divorce, then he dumped me...twice (fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me).

 

The only reason I knew I'd been dumped is because I called him the first time he dumped me, to verify I'd been dumped, because he said he'd call me to talk, and never did until I called him back 3 days later. This second time, he was supposed to call me but when he didn't, I called and that's when he gave me the ole "my ex-wife wants to meet me tonight, and I don't want to talk about my relationship with you anymore because i can't juggle you and my ex-wife at the same time."

 

And that, folks, is the last thing he said to me. I didn't call him back and in fact, deleted his email address, and his phone number because I know I would contact him in a weak emotional moment. Getting the parking ticket and being given the silent treatment was a double-whammy to my already delusional and bruised ego. I realized that hanging on to him and the relationship was more of a personal failure. And letting go of the relationship now, finally, was the best thing I could do for myself.

 

Wow. What a total tangent. Sorry!

 

In short. Don't use the silent treatment on anyone. It's immature. Selfish. Doesn't directly address the problem that needs to be solved. And it unresolved pain for the other person to cope with. It's a cruel, passive-aggressive tactic.

[Kamille]

 

I emailed him back that I prefer to talk on the phone before meeting for dates, hoping he'd take the hint and ask me for my phone number.

 

Seriously, I think you are making a big deal out of this. It is online dating and talking on the phone before meeting is your requirement, not his. As such, I would have 1) been pleased he was showing interest by wanting to meet and 2) told him I would prefer to talk on the phone first - and since I was the one mentioning the phone, I would have given him my phone number THEN, hoping he would take the hint and call me.

 

He instinctively did what the majority of us would have done given the scenario. You said you prefered talking on the phone without offering your phone number, so he gave you his. Because, really, it would have been kind of lame to email back: "since you prefer talking on the phone, could I have your phone number then?"

[Truly Lost]

There are a couple people on here that have obviously not done much online dating. Some of the people you meet are extremely sketchy. Some very arrogant and some that don't know how to treat a lady. I'm not going to even entertain the idea of speaking with those people again, especially if they made me uncomfortable or ruined my evening or just plain spooked me out.

 

I had two guys try to force a kiss from me. And when I say force, I mean, wrap their arm around my neck and try to hold my head still with their other hand, while I try to noticably push away. Not cool.

 

One guy grabbed my breast (guess he thougth that was ok).

 

Another guy I went on a walk with him and his dog. He ran into a girl he knew and ended up having a 15 minute one on one conversation with her while I stood there.

 

Another guy I went on a third date with ran into a female friend of mine while out and he asked her for her number (he was trying to be sneaky, but she made sure I knew about it).

 

But the biggest, "in your face" a**hole insisted that we go out to a restaurant and I agree to meet him there. I decided once I met him, I wasn't interested and I guess he picked up on it. Instead of just ending the evening, I figure we can at least be friendly and eat a meal (I intended to pay for my own dinner). We had a decent conversation and he finished his meal. He says to me that he is going to the bathroom and will be right back. Well....he never returned. He stiffed me with the bill. So you see, I'm not the selfish one.

 

I would not be rude to someone that was a complete gentleman. I know the difference.

[writergal]

Kamille,

 

I disagree about making the phone # thing a big deal.

 

Why should I give him my phone # in the first place? He (or any man for that matter) should ask me for it.

 

He gave me his phone number because he assumed I wouldn't give him mine, which I think is a read flag anyway, to make that assumption.

 

If a guy is really interested in getting to know a woman, he *will* ask her for her phone number. match.com or in person, if the guy offers me his phone number, I will go by the assumption that he's only casually interested or disinterested because of the number of profiles he's in communication with.

 

I guess I have a high expectation that the "right" guy will ask me for my phone number without any hints from me. Why does that come across as bizarre or unrealistic?

[carhill]

Well, check back with us in a month and update us on how that's going. I expect, if online dating is as I remember it, you should have given your number to many men during that time.

 

I say that because this is starting to sound like a circular discussion. Implement your decision and perspective and examine the results. Good luck!

[writergal]

Truly Lost, wow! Sounds like you had a couple of real doozies to deal with! Sorry to hear that.

 

And I agree with you. There are some people out there who don't understand the whole online dating culture or get the mentality of the men who are on match.com, and I suppose for some of the women too.

 

I think some men use online dating because they are too lazy, dysfunctional, passive, aggressive or just plain weird to successfully date in real life.

 

I'm using match.com for the 2nd time in a year because my social circles don't allow me to meet that many single men. And the men online, have this fast-food mentality about the women they meet and date. Because there are so many profiles, men (and women) set unrealistically high expectations (now don't pin me in this category because of my phone # expectation, that's just old fashioned dating etiquette I want to employ) for the people they contact and then meet, as Truly Lost illustrated with her great examples of disasterous online dates.

 

When this guy calls me tonight, I will get a better sense of his personality before I decide whether or not to meet him in person. I know that meetinging him in person will be the truest test.

 

However, I did have a 3 week phone conversation with a guy who kept putting off our first date so he could play in his broomball league. Finally, when he cancelled our first date for the 40th time so he could play broomball, I told him to go out with his broomball, and that I was done waiting for him to make time for me. I wasn't mean, just straightforward.

[writergal]

Carhill, I will let everyone know what happens of course. Your sarcasm is appreciated.

[kizik]

some[/b] men use online dating because they are too lazy' date=' dysfunctional, passive, aggressive or just plain weird to successfully date in real life. [/quote']

 

I'm glad you included the word "some". But your tone is still indicative of someone who doesn't really know what she's talking about. I use an online dating site - just one - sent out about a million emails to these girls. Got maybe one response. Am I a freak? Maybe. You'd prob. call me one.

 

And I say that b/c you're going into online dating with a bunch of BS preconceptions. So, Writergal, the men are dysfunctional, lazy idiots, but you aren't? You're using the same site! What makes you better than them?

[Thaddeus]

And the men online, have this fast-food mentality about the women they meet and date.

Generalize much? Jeezuz...

 

Look, it's perfectly simple. He gave you his phone number so you wouldn't feel uncomfortable giving him yours. No more, no less. You're reading WWAAAYYY too much into this.

 

So calm down. Relax. Have a glass of wine.

[Kamille]

If a guy is really interested in getting to know a woman, he *will* ask her for her phone number. match.com or in person,

Given the situation, I disagree.

 

Here is what I understand

 

Him, interested: asks you out.

You: no, let's talk on the phone. [you do not give your number]

Him: interested, great! Here's my number.

 

Instead, what you propose is this

 

Him, interested: asks you out

You: no, I prefer talking on the phone.

Him: ok. What's your number then?

You: good boy, here is my number.

 

I strongly feel it would be odd for anyone to have to ask for a number after the other person rejects their invite and says they would prefer talking on the phone. I think that, in this, your expectation is somewhat too demanding. I understand wanting the guy to lead, but he was leading and also trying to be sensitive about your boundaries. This guy did the only thing that actually made sense in my book. Otherwise he might have seemed too insistant.

 

if the guy offers me his phone number, I will go by the assumption that he's only casually interested or disinterested because of the number of profiles he's in communication with.

 

Well, to be fair, this is on-line dating. In my book, real interest can only be gaged from the second real life date on-ward. It wouldn't be very healthy to have strong interest for someone you've never actually met.

 

 

 

Besides, what matters most in my book is that a guy "calls" the girl first, and it sounds like you're rectified the situation by sending him your number. Now, wasn't that simple?

 

I guess I have a high expectation that the "right" guy will ask me for my phone number without any hints from me. Why does that come across as bizarre or unrealistic?

 

What I find worrisome is that you would have such a defined and rigid set of expectations. And listen, I'm on your side, I love letting men take the lead because I believe it let's me gage just how interested they are. But I'm not into having men jump through hoops they're not even aware exists. And like I said, I believe interest grows with time. I don't expect someone I've never met to be 100% interested in me (just I hope he doesn't expect me to be 100% interested in him).

 

As such, what matters most to me is how a guy displays interest ONCE we've had a date.

[Truly Lost]

Kamille,

 

I disagree about making the phone # thing a big deal.

 

Why should I give him my phone # in the first place? He (or any man for that matter) should ask me for it.

 

He gave me his phone number because he assumed I wouldn't give him mine, which I think is a read flag anyway, to make that assumption.

 

If a guy is really interested in getting to know a woman, he *will* ask her for her phone number. match.com or in person, if the guy offers me his phone number, I will go by the assumption that he's only casually interested or disinterested because of the number of profiles he's in communication with.

 

I guess I have a high expectation that the "right" guy will ask me for my phone number without any hints from me. Why does that come across as bizarre or unrealistic?

 

I think by reading into the issue with this guy giving you his number first is a little over analytical. It seems pretty logical to me that he gives you his number. I think it would be a little too bold for someone online to ask for your number because you likely would hesitate giving it to him, if you gave it at all.

 

If he had said, "Can I call you sometime?" and left you his number as well, would that have made all the difference?

 

It would just be a shame to miss out on a nice guy because he didn't approach you the way you feel is appropriate. Because really what he did was absolutely harmless.

[carhill]

Carhill, I will let everyone know what happens of course. Your sarcasm is appreciated.

Thank you. One wordsmith to another

 

And, seriously, I'm rooting for you. My parting advice would be to move as quickly and as emotionless-ly to meeting IRL. IMO, the less time spent on online nuances and more time spent face-to-face, the more quickly and better the potential can be ascertained.

 

Just so you know, I met my wife online a little over a decade ago, so I speak from some experience.

[singleforever]

the reason he put down his phone number first is that he was afraid this might happen to him [COLOR=#800080]http://www.typobounty.com/Funny/Women_Dating.htm[/COLOR]

[boogieboy]

Ok, to everyone: I DO appreciate your opinions and that's why I come here and post my questions. If I come across as being a dismissive person, I apologize b/c each of your posts has valuable insight that I can glean and apply to my situation.

 

 

Boogieboy; I agree with you. I am being a bitch to a certain degree. I know for a fact that I am basing my opinion of pursuit based on the debacle that my last relationship was. And yes, like Eleanor Roosevelt and Dr. Phil say, "we teach people how to treat us, by how we treat ourselves." I can't take 100% blame for my ex-bf's bad behavior. I can only take responsibility for my allowing him to treat me badly and not do anything proactive about it, although I did try talking to him several times about things to see if we could reach a compromise where both our needs were met, but that was always met with resistance and it failed. But I digress...that's for another thread.

 

And, after reading everyone's posts in this thread, maybe I need to rethink getting back into online dating, when I'm clearly still reeling with anger and bitterness from my last relationship, because that will surely leak into any new dating opportunities if I'm not careful.

 

I just don't want to repeat the past so maybe I'm being hypervigilant about not being the pursuer in future dating opportunities. Believe me, online dating is my least favorite choice. In my graduate school program, its 90% women (education) anyway, so that's out. Most of my friends are married (gay and straight). Then, the few activities I do are social but the men in those groups are not single; they are either married, gay or in a relationship with another woman. Yes, those people have friends of friends of friends who I could possible date, but that hasn't really happened to me yet. Hence my choice to join match.com.

 

I could write another thread easily about the trials and tribulations of online dating. And actually, online dating reminds me of Shakespeare's play, Love's Labors Lost...proof that dating games have been around since the Renaissance period! "Oh the tangled web we weave when we first practice to deceive," (Sir Walter Scott, not Shakespare).

 

Methinks I doth protest too much. (Writergal_Speare)

 

No one has read Writergals post/response that she acknowledged that she should be less rigid about her number rule?

 

There are a couple people on here that have obviously not done much online dating. Some of the people you meet are extremely sketchy. Some very arrogant and some that don't know how to treat a lady. I'm not going to even entertain the idea of speaking with those people again, especially if they made me uncomfortable or ruined my evening or just plain spooked me out.

 

I had two guys try to force a kiss from me. And when I say force, I mean, wrap their arm around my neck and try to hold my head still with their other hand, while I try to noticably push away. Not cool.

 

One guy grabbed my breast (guess he thougth that was ok).

 

Another guy I went on a walk with him and his dog. He ran into a girl he knew and ended up having a 15 minute one on one conversation with her while I stood there.

 

Another guy I went on a third date with ran into a female friend of mine while out and he asked her for her number (he was trying to be sneaky, but she made sure I knew about it).

 

But the biggest, "in your face" a**hole insisted that we go out to a restaurant and I agree to meet him there. I decided once I met him, I wasn't interested and I guess he picked up on it. Instead of just ending the evening, I figure we can at least be friendly and eat a meal (I intended to pay for my own dinner). We had a decent conversation and he finished his meal. He says to me that he is going to the bathroom and will be right back. Well....he never returned. He stiffed me with the bill. So you see, I'm not the selfish one.

 

I would not be rude to someone that was a complete gentleman. I know the difference.

 

You know Writergal mentioned that dating guys from POF were subhuman creatures, I really had no idea till I read this that the dating pool online was so horrendous for women. There really are some creeps out there...

[butcher's hook]

If a guy is really interested in getting to know a woman, he *will* ask her for her phone number. match.com or in person, if the guy offers me his phone number, I will go by the assumption that he's only casually interested or disinterested because of the number of profiles he's in communication with.

 

that's simply NOT TRUE online. A lot of guys online will be very interested but they have the common courtesy of extending the option of you calling them simply because they know a lot of women don't want to give out their phone number online to every single Tom Dick and Harry who wants to talk to them live. You are making some assumption that a guy is less interested in you when the reality is that if you truly understood how online dating works for men VS women you would know that women get 10 times more requests than men do.

 

It's understood a woman would not want to give out her number online. Rather than thinking the worst about the guys why not think that you could be passing up a chance to meet the ONE decent guy who actually gets that safety comes first for women and in turn is offering to give you his number because he actually is considerate, not because he is trying to play you or is not interested?

 

 

I guess I have a high expectation that the "right" guy will ask me for my phone number without any hints from me. Why does that come across as bizarre or unrealistic?

 

Your expectations online are silly. You could be passing up a terrific guy simply because you are getting hung up on verbal semantics.

 

People are way less invested online, as it should be. You are a carefully chosen digital image with equally tactfully chosen words to go along with that, why the heck would someone invest so much on that? You could be nothing like what you appear to be online. The only thing a guy has to prove to you online is that he is open to meeting, talking to you on the phone and to communicate with you in an open fashion, everything else is semantics.

 

It's not the same rules for online VS live, lower your expectations where it matters most and you will go a lot further.

[writergal]

butcher hook, I totally disagree with you. I don't think my expectation of a man asking me for my phone # means I don't know much about how online dating works. I do know how it works. And I think its a fallacy to say that men give women their phone number online, out of a common courtesy because they understand that women don't want to give out their number to every man who contacts them online, because that is generalizing that ALL women feel this way, and that's just not true.

 

Also, my expectations online are not silly. They are valid expectations. And you are right; people are way less invested online HENCE my argument that if a man gives me his phone number online, its because he's NOT THAT INTERESTED. I understand perfectly well how online dating works. Men and women have multiple profiles to choose from, so its easy for a man to toss his phone # out to say 5 profiles and see who responds. Do you think this guy I'm in contact with hasnt given other women his phone number? I'm sure he has. He paid for an online dating subscription with the goal of finding a woman to have a relationship with. He's not giving me his phone # because he thinks I'm "the one," by any stretch of the imagination. He'd have given me his phone number regardless of whether or not I told him I prefer to talk on the phone, I believe.

 

It IS the same rules for online dating vs real life. If a man gives you his phone number but doesn't ask you for yours, its because he's not that invested for whatever reason. But, if he asks you for your phone number its because he's definitely interested in you and no other woman.

 

Make excuses all you want butcher hook, but a spade is a spade, in my opinion. A man does not give a woman his phone number out of common courtesy online. He gives it to her because he's trolling 5 other profiles at the same time, which is the point of online dating.

 

The guy I posted about did call me last night and we talked for one hour. Yes, he presents well on his profile and his photos he posted are nice. But I was glad I didn't waste my time meeting him in person because we definitely had no chemistry conversation-wise, which is a "must have" for me in the guy I date. Yes, some men don't like talking on the phone. This guy talks on the phone for a living. At one point in the conversation, I asked him about his work in the non-profit sector, which is what he posted in his profile for his job. Call me shallow, but his answer was enough information for me to decide, "nope, he's definitely not someone I want to date" because he says he quits his jobs when he gets bored, and has only stayed in his current job (he's 42!) when he realized that his parents can't take care of him anymore. WHAT? And he wasn't being flippant. He was being serious. He asked me where I went to school, and when I told him that information was private, he responded, "oh, do you think I'm going to stalk you and rape you?" That was enough for me to end the phone conversation and go back online and delete his profile from my account.

[Thaddeus]

Look, writergal, if your mind was already made up about this whole phone number thing and you adamantly refuse to consider anyone else's opinion, then why did you bother posting the question in the first place?

 

Personally, I find your narrow-mindedness and expectations completely absurd. And you probably find my counsel ridiculous. But the point remains: If you didn't want anyone else's input, why did you even bother with the thread?

[writergal]

Thaddeus I don't find your counsel or anyone else's opinion ridiculous. In fact, this thread really helped me, even though it doesnt seem that way.

 

I posted my thread because I worried that I was being narrow minded with my expectations of online dating etiquette. And the only way for me to validate that, was to ask other people what they think, then compare it to what I think. Believe it or not, everyone's posts in this thread have helped me and I'm sorry if I caused any confusion, or don't seem grateful to people for taking the time to offer me their counsel and personal experience.

 

I still believe what I believe, but I have other perspectives to consider now that I didn't before. So it will help me loosen up because I never denied that I have rigid beliefs about dating etiquette.

[Kamille]

Writer, I read the thread you posted before this one and I now understand better why you are so cautious and why you feel the need to rely on a rigid set of criterias. I think, in time, you will trust your own instincts more and you will start enjoying dating more.

 

I was also thinking, last night, about my idea of "healthy" beginning. I like when a man shows interests by initiating contact, but I also want to be able to show interest. I don't want to play games, so I will follow-up on his displays of interests with my own (provided that I am interested).

 

I still maintain you can't expect someone you met on-line to be into you and only into you from the get go. We all know the nature of internet dating is that people cast more then one line in the sea, interact and figure out whether or not they want to proceed. Hopefully you are also looking at more then one-profile while doing the on-line thing, until the time you meet someone, get to know them and agree to be exclusive. I think it's unfair to expect complete devotion from someone you've never actually met.

 

I mean, after all, aren't you glad you at least talked to this guy? You now KNOW he isn't right for you, instead of dismissing him for a reason that is exterior to the person he is.