Lucky_One Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I forgot to say that your guy probably gave his number first, because alot of women are apprehensive about giving out their number online...and he might have felt he didnt attract you enough to ask for that. (he is still chicken though) i agree with Boogie and patcha on this. Some guys have paid attention to the online dating safety advice that advises women to always meet first in a public place, to not give their number out but call the guy at HIS home (this also can help weed out married guys). What's the big deal? He gave you his number. You are both there to find new dates. Call him.
butcher's hook Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Ok look all bets are off as soon as you mentioned online dating. I think he did the absolute decent thing actually. I would definitely call him if I were you. When I did internet dating I NEVER gave out my number I would ask for theirs and block my number out, my understanding is that a lot of women operate this way. If the guy is used to that I would think he assumed you would prefer the safety of calling him and not having to give out your number. Not a player move just a decent one. In this situation is it totally fine to call him. Had you met in person not so much, it's the kiss of death. PS people it's "cojones", cajones are big drawers and not like as in the Calvin Klein kind
Truly Lost Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Those free websites aren't the best way to meet someone who is serious. I've met a few creeps on those websites. Most of those guys are looking to talk nasty over IM or trying to take you home after the first date. I've had a few too many of those. The websites you pay for are a little bit better, like match.com. I've been a little luckier at meeting genuine guys, although, I haven't met anyone yet that is right for me. As for the guy giving his phone# first.....big deal. Its online dating. You aren't going to meet the man of your dreams from just a few pictures and a brief description of their likes and dislikes. Someone who emails you after viewing your profile doesn't guarantee that they really like you and want to instantly start a relationship and it doesn't mean that they have any intention of skrewing you over. Chemistry is extremely important. So with that said, what difference does it make if the guy gave his number first. Since he gave his number to you, obviously he is interested and willing to take time out of his day to meet up with you. You should be flattered, not suspicious. Maybe online dating isn't for you. I think you waste less of your time meeting people in real life, then some stranger online. I think its a waste of time to email back and forth because it would be really crummy to exchange a slew of emails then finally meet the person only to find out that he isn't physically appealing to you in person or vice versa.
Author writergal Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 I've tried plentyoffish.com and came across some rather subterranean characters who belong in a noir novel, not on an online dating website. *shudder* Eww. Never again. Also, you're right that he was just trying to be considerate. He actually responded to my email tonight (!) apologizing for not asking me for my phone number. He explained (as you all predicted) that it was his experience that most women in his experience were hesitant to give him their phone #, so he just assumed he'd offer me his # so I would feel safe. So yes, he did the absolutely decent thing by giving me his phone #. And I also agree that the possibility of me meeting "the one" through an online dating website is slight, versus dating in real life. I'd rather date in real life versus cyberspace, but like I said earlier in this thread, it's been difficult for me to meet eligible men and I'm a fairly social gal. I don't know if I should email this guy back and give him my phone # now that I've made such a big ordeal about dating etiquette. I still think it is a big red flag that he didn't ask me for my phone number, although I know now from his email that he thought he was being considerate. I still think its a load of baloney, considering he's 42 years old.
butcher's hook Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I don't know if I should email this guy back and give him my phone # now that I've made such a big ordeal about dating etiquette. I still think it is a big red flag that he didn't ask me for my phone number, although I know now from his email that he thought he was being considerate. I still think its a load of baloney, considering he's 42 years old. OMG are you for real? After everything you just explained and the explanation he gave you you are still hyper-analyzing the whole scenario? How old are you? Just call the darn guy already!!! Knock it off with the hangups. You interested or not? A guy can only be interested in you so much online you haven't even met, meet him see if you even like him and THEN leave the ball in his court and let him pursue you. For now you have to get in front of the guy face to face. Sp stop putting it off with lame excuses.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I had a guy give me his number in an interaction such as you are talking about. I responded by giving him MY number. Guess what? He called me first. He called me before I even had decided if I was going to call HIM. LOL Relax a little - don't let the rules be so rigid. Perhaps he was trying to be polite by offering up HIS personal info first so you'd feel comfortable giving yours.
Truly Lost Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I say give your number to him. Think of online dating as your "little black book". It exposes you to potential partners looking for the same thing you are. Meet in a public place. No harm in that. If you don't like him after meeting him, then kindly tell him it was nice meeting you and hope he doesn't call again. If he does call you then send him a text saying you aren't interested or ignore his calls in hopes that he will take a hint. Hopefully you will have a great time and will want him to call again. Its dating, there is no fool proof way to guarantee you will have a good first date. If you gave him your number I'm pretty sure he would call you first.
skjd1220 Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I've run into this situation a few times with the online dating. I've always responded with sending them my phone number and they've always called first. I think for some guys they feel like women might be less threatened to receive a number rather then sending it out. I know once you'll call they'll have it anyhow, but at least one of the guys explained it to me that way. Send him your number and give it a shot.
Author writergal Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 Ok, Ok. I emailed him back with my home (not cell) phone number. In my email I thanked him for seeing this from my perspective, and I also acknowledged his dating etiquette (offering me his phone #) as "the decent thing to do," and apologized for being so strident with him. Right. I'm 38 going on 13 it would seem. Gah! Why is it that guys feel so threatened about asking a woman for her phone number? We don't bite! In "the old days of dating" men were always the pursuers. I know I shouldn't be so rigid with my dating rules. But I can't help hyper-analyze everything right now, which I know is a side effect of coming out of a bad relationship (which ended months ago, but then went on and off again until just recently, when I called him to find out why he hadn't called and learned that his ex-wife contacted him to talk about getting back together and his response to me was "I can't juggle you and my ex-wife" and never heard from him again). The metaphor of my relationship with my ex-bf, whom I like to refer to as Mr. Ambivalent: a parking ticket. The last night I spent at his apartment was great until the morning when I walked to my car to find a parking ticket. I asked him to be a witness for me either in person or in writing to help me fight the ticket, and he refused! He actually said "no, I can't take work off to help you or write anything for you." Just like our relationship, I pay the price and end up in the hole for the effort I put into dating this guy, never getting anything in return from him; no emotional attachment, no emotional support, no consistency with his words or actions. I'm going to fight the parking ticket in court next week. I had to drive by his aparmtment today and park my car outside in front of his building, where the sign was and took photos of the sign and my car. It was awkward to be there, to say the least. But this is another thread. Sorry for the digression.
boogieboy Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 If he does call you then send him a text saying you aren't interested or ignore his calls in hopes that he will take a hint. Hopefully you will have a great time and will want him to call again. . Please dont encourage people to ignore calls. Its immature, cowardly, and reveals substandard character.
butcher's hook Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Sorry about you ex situation, sounds like you are still hurting and being cautious about being hurt again and that's understandable. Men still do ask for phone numbers, nothing has changed that much. What has definitely changed is the concept of internet dating added to the world of dating. The rules change online, they change drastically, pretty much anything goes. Women can contact men first and be the pursuers online if they want. The thing is that it doesn't mean you still can't be pursued, you most definitely can. But before you even meet someone you can't expect much you have to establish a connection and true interest in person. Interest on cyberspace is subjective and often lacking true foundation, it's as soon as you take it to face to face that a real attraction can be established. So don't worry is he into me enough yet. If he is corresponding with you and being consistent he is interested enough. Your only goal should be let's meet face to face doesn't matter how you get there just get there. Stop obsessing about the "who gave the # to whom" and who should call whom. Even if he offered to call you you could still meet and he could totally not be interested or vice versa that is not a true sign of interest the true signs of interest happen AFTER you meet. Have fun with it, go out and meet guys and enjoy being single.
v g Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Please dont encourage people to ignore calls. Its immature, cowardly, and reveals substandard character. Amen to that! Such rude behavior to ignore calls. All it takes is 'Thanks, but I am no longer interested. Good luck to you.' As the saying goes, manners are free and go a long way.
v g Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Writergal, I would keep on dating online. It will supplement real life dating, and more importantly you will get lots of practice dating. You are learning skills and gaining experience and hopefully having fun. I have found a good way to look at my ex is to think that I'm no longer stuck with him, that I've learned what I want and don't want from him, and that it was a good learning experience. It's important to not become bitter and to not punish current dates for past dating experience. Each date's a new slate if you will. Regarding men that have cajones, I met a man that asked me out. I told him that I was seeing someone. He went to great lengths to track me down two months later and asked me out again. I was soooooooooo flattered. That meant he was really into me, right? He really wanted to sleep with me. He did not want to date me. Am I bitter? Nope. It was a great learning experience. The whole point is to enjoy yourself, right? I would relax and go with the flow. Bottom line is that if he doesn't step up to the plate, you can always tell him you're no longer interested and move on. By the way, I'm very glad you're no longer with your ex. He is now someone else's problem.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Wow to much over thinking how the hell dose any one get married or even laid now adays with all these hang ups and over thinking! Look just email the guy or ring him and see how you go! its not a game its a date lol.. Don't mean to come across as harsh but I keep seeing all these rules were putting on dating now adays. No texting the guy has to do all the work blah blah balahhhhh no wonder so many are single and lonely out there lol..
Truly Lost Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Boogieboy, don't assume someone is being immature for ignoring calls. I've done the nice approach by being courteous and telling people that I'm not interested and discovered the hard way that being nice doesn't WORK!. Some people will get the picture and others will continue to bother you if you extent an ounce of kindness. Ignoring an unwanted call is the most direct and effective way to let someone know you aren't interested. I've had it happen to me as I'm sure many people have had happen to them. Yes, it sucks, but its life.
crosswordfiend Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Boogieboy, don't assume someone is being immature for ignoring calls. I've done the nice approach by being courteous and telling people that I'm not interested and discovered the hard way that being nice doesn't WORK!. Some people will get the picture and others will continue to bother you if you extent an ounce of kindness. Ignoring an unwanted call is the most direct and effective way to let someone know you aren't interested. I've had it happen to me as I'm sure many people have had happen to them. Yes, it sucks, but its life. Actually, a better way of letting someone know you aren't interested is not giving out your number in the first place.
Truly Lost Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Its online dating. How are you going to know if you like someone if you never meet them....duh!!! At some point you will be exchanging numbers if you do want to meet. With dating comes disappointment in some form. It's just the way it is. I'd rather someone leave me alone than lead me on.
boogieboy Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Boogieboy, don't assume someone is being immature for ignoring calls. I've done the nice approach by being courteous and telling people that I'm not interested and discovered the hard way that being nice doesn't WORK!. Some people will get the picture and others will continue to bother you if you extent an ounce of kindness. Ignoring an unwanted call is the most direct and effective way to let someone know you aren't interested. I've had it happen to me as I'm sure many people have had happen to them. Yes, it sucks, but its life. Youre not supposed to be nice or extending kindness when youre telling people youre not interested, if nice doesnt work. You be cold, and you dont worry about whether or not people will hate you. You already know that when you dont tell a guy youre not interested, he keeps trying, You could stop that by having a set, and doing the right thing by telling him coldly for him not to contact you anymore so that he wont. Then you can ignore him if he doesnt listen. Whether you want to admit it or not, not telling the guy and ignoring is still immature selfish and extremely cowardly. Says alot about you.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 You are way overanalyzing this. Are you sure you're healed enough to start dating again?
2sure Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 When I was on line dating , as a matter of my own privacy and security - I preferred to initially have the guys phone number instead of giving out mine. Then , when I made the first call I would block my number just in case during the course of the first phone call I decided he was creepy.
boogieboy Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 You are way overanalyzing this. Are you sure you're healed enough to start dating again? I think shes ready. She just needs a lil push in the touche. Actually shes already pushing her own touche.
Truly Lost Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Youre not supposed to be nice or extending kindness when youre telling people youre not interested, if nice doesnt work. You be cold, and you dont worry about whether or not people will hate you. You already know that when you dont tell a guy youre not interested, he keeps trying, You could stop that by having a set, and doing the right thing by telling him coldly for him not to contact you anymore so that he wont. Then you can ignore him if he doesnt listen. Whether you want to admit it or not, not telling the guy and ignoring is still immature selfish and extremely cowardly. Says alot about you. I guess you've had someone do that to you. I have too....SO MOVE ON!!! Get over it. It was just a date not a proclamation of undying love. Perhaps it would be a kinder let down to be straight up, but its a let down all the same. The kinder approach is gentler to the other person, but I've had it followed by harassment, so choose your battles. Some people don't want to believe that you mean what you say.
boogieboy Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I guess you've had someone do that to you. I have too....SO MOVE ON!!! Get over it. It was just a date not a proclamation of undying love. Perhaps it would be a kinder let down to be straight up, but its a let down all the same. The kinder approach is gentler to the other person, but I've had it followed by harassment, so choose your battles. Some people don't want to believe that you mean what you say. Thats hilarious that youre defending cowardice and deception. I know the straight up truth always worked when I told it. And you apparently will still be doing it the cowardly way cuz youre the A typical that doesnt want people to hate you. You rep the reason guys dont learn to take no for an answer because you youre too chicken to be straight up...not including the dissolusioned ones...Good for you.
gopher Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 When I was on line dating , as a matter of my own privacy and security - I preferred to initially have the guys phone number instead of giving out mine. Then , when I made the first call I would block my number just in case during the course of the first phone call I decided he was creepy. Right...I've always done this and at least 90% of the time, the woman then gives me her number. As a guy, I'm trying to be respectful and I understand a woman's need to be careful.
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