385 Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Ok, my SO for some reason or other is just not that confident in herself. It's frustrating me because I want her to feel good about herself but I don't know how to do that. I compliment her on her looks and stuff (pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, etc) , and I try to compliment her on some other stuff too, but she just doesn't seem like she believes in herself. It's really frustrating me because I can't find the issue that she's insecure about and help her overcome it. I want her to feel good about herself and I want her to know I like her the way she is, but I don't know, that's just not getting through. Ladies, how can a guy make you feel confident about yourself (besides complimenting on your looks)?
WhyYesThankYou Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Is she saying she doesn't believe you? If you tell her she's beautiful, does she deny it and say, "No, I'm not," or "No, I'm fat," or "You're just saying that"? Or does she just kind of ignore it? You can try complimenting her on things that are about your relationship, that you like about being with her. This takes the focus off her and puts it on things you enjoy about having her as part of your life. "I really like going for walks with you; I enjoy your company." "You're such a good listener - I'm lucky to have you to talk about my day with." "Wow, dinner was great. I liked all the different textures in that salad." If you talk about how you experience things, she can't argue with that (in her own mind). In terms of her personal appearance, if she's not confident about it, she might just go "no, that's not true" no matter what you say if all you do is talk about how she looks. Again, try to make it about how you experience her. "I love looking at your hair when the sun hits it like that - it gets these golden highlights." "Your hands are really delicate/strong - I like watching them move/I like how you hold that glass/how they look in my fingers when we hold hands." Try to make it specific to her, and about how you like her. If you say to a girl with self-esteem issues, "You're hot," she's going to go, "No I'm not because I don't look like the cover of Vogue or the Playboy centerfold."
Author 385 Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Is she saying she doesn't believe you? If you tell her she's beautiful, does she deny it and say, "No, I'm not," or "No, I'm fat," or "You're just saying that"? Or does she just kind of ignore it? You can try complimenting her on things that are about your relationship, that you like about being with her. This takes the focus off her and puts it on things you enjoy about having her as part of your life. "I really like going for walks with you; I enjoy your company." "You're such a good listener - I'm lucky to have you to talk about my day with." "Wow, dinner was great. I liked all the different textures in that salad." If you talk about how you experience things, she can't argue with that (in her own mind). In terms of her personal appearance, if she's not confident about it, she might just go "no, that's not true" no matter what you say if all you do is talk about how she looks. Again, try to make it about how you experience her. "I love looking at your hair when the sun hits it like that - it gets these golden highlights." "Your hands are really delicate/strong - I like watching them move/I like how you hold that glass/how they look in my fingers when we hold hands." Try to make it specific to her, and about how you like her. If you say to a girl with self-esteem issues, "You're hot," she's going to go, "No I'm not because I don't look like the cover of Vogue or the Playboy centerfold." Hmm, thanks for the tips, I'll try some of that. She doesn't deny them and and I think she genuinely accepts my compliments and she does feel better about herself, but then after awhile her confident wanes again. I don't want to over compliment her because then my compliments don't mean as much. But I will try what you've said, and compliment her on experiences and more unique to her stuff.
WhyYesThankYou Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Yeah, girls' self-esteem can be a murky area. And there's no point trying to convince her of anything. Just give her sincere compliments, notice little things - look for little things to notice - and mention those. Any guy can tell a girl she looks beautiful; it's pretty much expected when you're dating. If she doesn't actually believe it (or only accepts it temporarily), you run the risk of her thinking, "What's he trying to achieve by telling me something that's clearly not true?" I'm not saying your SO's reality is quite this dark/low, but the point is, I think it's valuable to give her compliments that are clearly tailored towards her. Then she'll know you like *her,* and not just some beautiful girl. There will always be beautiful girls; there will always be more beautiful girls. Tell her what you like about her. Good luck.
D-Lish Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 You can't do much more than you are doing. A lot of it is up to her to discover. I think talking about it with her is a great start.
Trialbyfire Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 If she's above-average attractive, she will have heard every compliment under the sun a million times to Sunday. Try more compliments about things she really values, to show that these are things you also value. Is it honestly that she doesn't believe in herself or that she's got some issues in believing that YOU value her?
JamesM Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 You can't get her to like herself. And if you are in a relationship where you feel as if you are "healing" her, then you need to move on. She is who she is. Accept her as she is. Even if she believes that YOU think she is wonderful, this in no way means that SHE feels wonderful about herself. She has issues that were/are there long before you. She needs counseling or an inner revelation to change them. And it is possible that with you she feels this way and with someone else she will feel differently. This is not necessarily bad...it just is what it is. Accept that she is the way she is and learn to love her as she is. If you keep dwelling on the fact that you think she is insecure, then this will be how you always see her. Learn to love the many qualities about her and realize the neat person she is. You can reassure her when she acts insecure, but remember that insecurity is a part of what makes her who she is. I highly doubt she will lose it because of you. After twenty years of marriage, I can still see the good and bad things that showed up during our dating days. Dating is to learn about your potential future partner and decide of this person is "worth" loving. If you feel the need to change that person, then you should face the reality that she is not who you will find to be a good partner for life.
IcemanJB Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 You can't get her to like herself. And if you are in a relationship where you feel as if you are "healing" her, then you need to move on. She is who she is. Accept her as she is. Even if she believes that YOU think she is wonderful, this in no way means that SHE feels wonderful about herself. She has issues that were/are there long before you. She needs counseling or an inner revelation to change them. And it is possible that with you she feels this way and with someone else she will feel differently. This is not necessarily bad...it just is what it is. Accept that she is the way she is and learn to love her as she is. If you keep dwelling on the fact that you think she is insecure, then this will be how you always see her. Learn to love the many qualities about her and realize the neat person she is. You can reassure her when she acts insecure, but remember that insecurity is a part of what makes her who she is. I highly doubt she will lose it because of you. After twenty years of marriage, I can still see the good and bad things that showed up during our dating days. Dating is to learn about your potential future partner and decide of this person is "worth" loving. If you feel the need to change that person, then you should face the reality that she is not who you will find to be a good partner for life. DING DING! We have a winner. OP, this was the reason for the end of my last relationship. She did not like much about herself, and was CONSTANTLY worrying about what I thought. To the point of being annoying and draining. I truly meant everything I said about her, but it still came down to issues SHE needs to deal with. There really isn't much more you can do...in fact, it's NOT your job to make her feel good about herself. That's up to her.
Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I agree that no one can make anyone confident in themselves. For that matter, no one can "make" anyone do anything...bar none! Having said that, I'll explain why I responded as such in the previous post. I had something going with someone whereby all he ever did was give superficial compliments. I even told him that I don't need so many superficial compliments and yet, his focus was on the superficial and apparently, nothing much else. It got to the point where instead of helping, not that I needed the help in the first place, it hindered and drained. One day he asked for a sample of what I did for a living, so I sent him some graphs, albeit with all underlying data removed, including pivot tables. His compliment was that he liked the pretty colours... We're talking about making some "at a glance" Exec-level stupid-simple comparison statistics over a number of years, sourced from massive, massive files of primarily irrelevant data. Thanks for minimalizing days of effort...
alphamale Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Ok, my SO for some reason or other is just not that confident in herself. It's frustrating me because I want her to feel good about herself but I don't know how to do that. I compliment her on her looks and stuff (pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, etc) , and I try to compliment her on some other stuff too, but she just doesn't seem like she believes in herself. It's really frustrating me because I can't find the issue that she's insecure about and help her overcome it. I want her to feel good about herself and I want her to know I like her the way she is, but I don't know, that's just not getting through. Ladies, how can a guy make you feel confident about yourself (besides complimenting on your looks)? ah yea you may want to take her in to the docs for a depression screening...
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