Girlygirl1977 Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 My ex and I have known each other 9 years because we first dated for 2.5 yrs, some long distance after we had first worked together. We dated again but it only lasted 2 months. He accelerated a break-up to date me, quit his job, moved 1.5hrs away during it and started his own biz. He broke up with me because he was unhappy with the way I treated him - he had fair reasons. I gave more details in an earlier post. He also said we didn't get along - for me it was because I had my guard up (likely as I broke up with him first time, I hadn't processed out some anger and that's now gone) and I told him that. Honestly, he should have spoken up before his emotions got the better of me. He got very upset with my "coldness" after he planned a "romantic" wknd in Paris; had very high expectations which is honestly a lot of it. I'm 32 and He's 34. I think he did treat me well and probably felt he had enough without reciprocation (was upshot). I also feel he put me on a pedestal which is never good - in beginning. Right after the breakup talk (which was all day), I went NC 100%. He called 2 wks after (last wknd) to wish me happy 4th and we talked for almost 2hrs, catching up and also I gave him some feedback - both said would always love each other. He said he sorry for being so harsh during the breakup; he apologized because he had made it sound like there was nothing good in the relationship which he said wasn't true. He mentioned at end of call that he might be in NY in the next 1-2 wks and we should get something to eat. Friday morning he sent me a msg that "I might be in NY on Mon, if so I'll let you know. . .". I wrote back "I'm traveling at the end of the week but am here in the beginning if you make it". I feel I should be open but not too eager (calm/cool). I've been a bit kinder b/c I know I had a lot of doing in the initial break-up (his behavior vs. mine). We had a couple other emails back and forth after that. On Sat morning he sent me a question which was unimportant - read a news story about where I was born. I didn't hear anything about NY trip and I didn't ask because it was tied to his business and he is trying to launch this week. I will take his word for it and I think if he makes it here, he will let me know. For an ordinary friend, I would have checked in. FYI - my head is not where it was before he callled last weekend - helped straighten out any questions as for why we broke up. So my head isn't a rotten mess and I will actually go out and date (going out quite a bit and have met some people here and there). He will be a side show to see what he has to say/do. Am I being too soft? I know many opinions are generic but is there one specific to gender or is that not relevant? Original post is here (in case you want more details): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t193826/
NopeNah Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I feel I should be open but not too eager (calm/cool). I've been a bit kinder b/c I know I had a lot of doing in the initial break-up (his behavior vs. mine). We had a couple other emails back and forth after that. On Sat morning he sent me a question which was unimportant - read a news story about where I was born. I didn't hear anything about NY trip and I didn't ask because it was tied to his business and he is trying to launch this week. I will take his word for it and I think if he makes it here, he will let me know. For an ordinary friend, I would have checked in. FYI - my head is not where it was before he callled last weekend - helped straighten out any questions as for why we broke up. So my head isn't a rotten mess and I will actually go out and date (going out quite a bit and have met some people here and there). He will be a side show to see what he has to say/do. Am I being too soft? You seem to have your head on straight enough to handle a casual dinner meetup, should it occur. If it does take place just go with the flow. Keep it lite and non-relationship focused. It could be he just wants to grab dinner with an "old friend" while he's in town..who knows? Just keep your expectations/emotions in check and be yourself..not really much more you have control over than those two things in this situation. oh yea....dress SEXY AS HELL!!
BCCA Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Well, I see that youve tried dating twice, for 2.5 years and for 2 months, and it didnt seem to work either time. Also, it seems like there is a lot left unsaid between you two, which is never a good sign. I honestly just dont think its meant to be. I would take any interactions with him with a grain of salt, and try not to read too far into anything. While he may have missed you, and is looking forward to seeing you, he may also simply want some booty while hes in NYC. It also sounds like its only been a month or so since the split, so you may want to give it some more time. Personally, it sounds like you guys talked everything out and no one is confused, but at the same time, youre just not on the same page. I dont see what would be different this time, but if you really are ok with just catching up, go right ahead. Just dont sleep with him, or youll regret it.
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Well, I see that youve tried dating twice, for 2.5 years and for 2 months, and it didnt seem to work either time. Also, it seems like there is a lot left unsaid between you two, which is never a good sign. I honestly just dont think its meant to be. I would take any interactions with him with a grain of salt, and try not to read too far into anything. While he may have missed you, and is looking forward to seeing you, he may also simply want some booty while hes in NYC. It also sounds like its only been a month or so since the split, so you may want to give it some more time. Personally, it sounds like you guys talked everything out and no one is confused, but at the same time, youre just not on the same page. I dont see what would be different this time, but if you really are ok with just catching up, go right ahead. Just dont sleep with him, or youll regret it. Thanks for the thoughts - sounds like somewhat opposite advice. Well I def would not have sex with him not unless we decided to try again. He had actually mentioned lunch which is wise (given easier to avoid trouble). This guy after we broke up 6yrs ago has not had a relationship which lasted more than 3-4 months unfortunately. During that time we saw each other maybe 1-2x a year (platonic) and were mostly not in same place. I've had a 2yr relationship during that and some shorter ones. I would say circumstances for first time were LA-NY long distance indefinitely and what I saw was immaturity on his side. He took that breakup pretty badly. To be honest, the immaturity (unable to really work through any issues and communicate) are still there and that I think with my guarded behavior collapsed things here. Yeah it has been 3 weeks. I thought actually all has now been said - we examined everything this time. I also agree that it would be too soon to actually try again. I think though it is ok to keep line of communications open in case we evolve over time? I.e. I would go about my life of course. There would not be much different now - i.e. his business is really just starting and I don't think he has mentally grown yet. The truth is I have grown a lot and know where I erred (communication and guard up etc.). Still that takes processing too. I've gone back to my therapist recently and also processed a lot especially since we were talking about it. I don't have anyone else who fits in this category so it's hard to know exactly how to treat it. There is an attachment from knowing him for so long, but also an awareness of the issues at hand. One thing I wanted to ask - what do you mean there is a lot left unsaid?
boogieboy Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Well you seem to have it all together. Your situation isnt very common around here. Youre not a mess, you started dating already, so you dont have to sweat whether or not youre being too soft. And youre doing the right thing by the way, since youre moving on already, whether or not you do NC doesnt seem to make a difference here. Seems right now youre at a point of you arent worried about if he wants to make it work or not. The ball is still in his court, but if youre busy living life, it looks like it could turn around for you. But then again, you did make it seem like he gave up and doesnt even want to try again. So like P4D said, when you do meet up, look your best!
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 Well you seem to have it all together. Your situation isnt very common around here. Youre not a mess, you started dating already, so you dont have to sweat whether or not youre being too soft. And youre doing the right thing by the way, since youre moving on already, whether or not you do NC doesnt seem to make a difference here. Seems right now youre at a point of you arent worried about if he wants to make it work or not. The ball is still in his court, but if youre busy living life, it looks like it could turn around for you. But then again, you did make it seem like he gave up and doesnt even want to try again. So like P4D said, when you do meet up, look your best! Thanks for your thoughts. I just accepted my first date so we'll see how dating goes but yes you do have it accurate. One thing I will admit is I was a mess for first two weeks because of how harsh he was during the breakup. What got me out of that was that he called after 2 weeks and this helped to clear things up. I mean in the 2 weeks I did the random crying on the street etc. So I was there. The call is what set my head back on so I do thank him for not waiting too long. That's not always possible. I knew I was a bit at his mercy during that. I do agree with everything you wrote though. I think he did give up on me and didn't want to try again. This part I don't quite get/like but it may also have to do with the fragileness of his business now (with 90% of his life savings there). Still, if it's meant to be, it will be but I can't wait around. He has a good point b/c as he experienced me, he didn't enjoy it. Words don't change that kind of thing - it's new interactions that do. If/when I meet him - for sure I will look my best:D. This is a guy who isn't really emotionally mature and so there is no reason I would want him back as-is anyway. So I have to go my way and if something changes and we both catch each other in our evolution then great. . .otherwise. . .well. . It does seem he cares enough to at least try to make amends and keeps things on good terms? Not sure why he would propose meeting so quickly though but probably b/c he broke up with me and is further along? I think I will not respond as quickly to him though because even if I am ok and have other things going on, he may not know it. . .I'm trying to treat him as a friend but there is a little more editing involved versus a typical friend.
Recommended Posts