LoneWolfie Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 eeeh, hi. I have been dating this beautiful sweet young woman the past 9 months and things are going great. I trully hit the jackpot with her. She does extremely well in university and will very likely land a high paying job because of her talent and hard work. She has a gorgeous face, a very sexy, slim but curvy body and knows how to use it. She has a part-time job as a go-go dancer in a night club (skimpy outfits, but no stripping). Her personality is very sweet and sensitive, she wouldnt hurt a fly and just wants to be friends with everyone she meets and loves everyone. She has alot of friends that are all very outgoing, confident, good looking and 'cool'. She is fiercely loyal and dedicated to me, even saying outright that im marriage material for her, unlike her previous boyfriends. Every guy i meet is jealous of me, because every guy hits on her and wants to date her. She then proudly tells them that she is in a happy relationship and not interested. She has had alot of serious and casual romantic / sexual relationships before she met me. She is very experienced in bed and has done loads of experiments with her past lovers. She is extremely good at dancing, she stays very fit and healthy, a great cook, a great car driver, great social skills, just about everything she does she is good at. Yeah i know, seems perfect right ? wtf could i be complaining about? Well not about HER, but about ME. Im shy, i got social anxiety, im average looking, im balding, im shorter then her, im chubby/fat, i barely graduated from uni and struggle to find a decent job. I got next to no experience with relationships/sex before i met her and feel as though i have a huge amount of catching up to do. I cant dance at all and feel not 100% comfortable when i go with her to nightclubs or when we go to see her friends. Im a geek, i spend alot of time playing videogames and watching sci-fi stuff. Any time she joins me to try out one of my hobbies she tends to be even better at it then me, seemingly effortless. I struggle to find something im better at then her, something that makes me feel cool or proud. Or look at my personality to find whatever it is that makes her want to marry me and have kids in a few years. I guess im a 'nice guy' and take good care of her and her feelings. Still, i wish i could find something im better at then her, something that makes her and her friends/family go "wow you are good at this". Something that stops making me think im 'overchicked' as i heard some guys/friends whisper behind my back. I sometimes think im stuck in a hollywood romance flick lol
Ruby Slippers Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Something that stops making me think im 'overchicked' as i heard some guys/friends whisper behind my back. **** them. They're jealous, and probably trying to deflate your confidence so you'll screw things up with her and they'll get their shot. What many women want most of all -- myself included -- is a man who is loving, loyal, and devoted. Sure, he needs to have his act together and know how to take care of himself, but it's not about looks, money, or status -- it's about how he makes me feel and what kind of future I see with him. Continue to treat her like the catch that she is, make her feel loved and treasured, and you have nothing to fear.
prettybaby Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Damn, she sounds awesome. Don't let your self esteem issues screw this up lol I mean, really, she probably doesn't even think of you the way you think of yourself. Is this something you've ever discussed with her? Are you two the same age?
Author LoneWolfie Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Damn, she sounds awesome. Don't let your self esteem issues screw this up lol I mean, really, she probably doesn't even think of you the way you think of yourself. Is this something you've ever discussed with her? Are you two the same age? She's in her late teens, im in my mid 20's. She knows im nervous and shy and she is very understanding of it, helping me feel comfortable and not minding if i dont want to go clubbing with her. My self esteem issues come and go. An hour ago i was kinda depressed and wondering what she sees in me. At the moment im thinking "well, appearantly im better then those thousands of other guys because she wants to marry me." Im trying not to wallow in misery and self pity, especially not infront of her. Its just that sometimes i have these moods in which i feel as though she's insane for wanting to be with me.
Thornton Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 There's plenty of research to show that generally people feel most comfortable with a partner they consider to be of similar attractiveness and status to themselves. If two people differ too much, one feels insecure because they don't feel good enough while the other feels like they could do better. This puts stress on the relationship and diminishes its chances of lasting. If you want your relationship to last, you both need to perceive a certain amount of equality - people have all kinds of value, she might be good looking and smart but perhaps you're kind and considerate, and it balances out? The more you put yourself down, the more chance there is that one day she'll think "Gosh, he's right, I am insane for wanting to be with him". Self confidence counts for a lot. Maintaining perceived equality is incredibly important... I'll give an example: I was engaged to a guy who was very smart and kind and had a good career, but who wasn't particularly handsome. He got all paranoid because he thought I was too good for him and would leave him, and he started acting crazy. So I started to look at him differently: previously I thought we balanced out because although he wasn't handsome he was very clever and nice, and I could see value in being in a relationship with him, but when he started acting crazy the balance in our relationship shifted. I started to think: Not only is he not good looking, he's also completely paranoid and possessive, very rude to my male friends, his mother hates me (because he told her all his false suspicions about me), etc. So he destroyed his own value in the relationship, and it didn't last very long after that, so his paranoia became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't let your own paranoia destroy your value in the relationship; she clearly sees something good in you and you don't want to jeopardise that through insecurity and lack of confidence as my ex-fiance did.
Peaceandlove Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 she's obviously attracted to you so I think you shouldn't be putting yourself down like that- you sound sweet/caring/honest/trustworthy/giving which are at the top of a lot of girl's "lists" have more faith in yourself! and I'm sure you can find a job you deserve if you do so all the best!
Author LoneWolfie Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 Thank you, i do keep trying to think about the things she says she likes about me and it does make me feel better when she mentions them. I hope ill be able to permanently push those insecurities away.
CD111 Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I dated a guy like you and his insecurity ruined our relationship. Before I knew all his insecurities I never even considered them; however, once he revealed them or told me about them it became very apparent that our relationship was not going to work. He was jealous of my good relationship with my family, he worried because he thought I was much smarter than him, he didn't make as much money as me and the list goes on and on. His friends also told him that I was too good for him. When he was drinking he became completely mean, rude and belittled me for no reason. Other than making himself feel better. It was not cool. He even told me he didn't think he was good enough for me. After all the drama I finally realized that he maybe he wasn't. He actually broke up with me because he thought he would never be good enough for me. I now truly believe that with that kind of attitude he will not ever be good enough for me. Don't let your insecurities ruin your relationship. Your girlfriend probably hasn't even thought about what may make you insecure. However, once she realizes the issues she may have the same reaction as I did. Women want a strong, confident and loving man. Think about all the reasons she is with you and make a list. Not all the reasons for which she may leave you. That's self sabotage.
Author LoneWolfie Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 Is she still a control freak? Aha, someone who remembers me. No she's not a control freak. Its gonna be a bit of a battle to fight those insecurities away but i think i can do it.
carhill Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Beware of the dynamic of insecurities and control. Sometimes it results from benevolent sources and intents. It can be a skewing of the healthy interdependence a LTR needs to go the distance. You have the space and the support and the inspiration here to really work on yourself. I suggest you don't squander it
Lizzie60 Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 OK.. you see her as the perfect girl.. blablabla.. she probably is.. to your eyes.. but maybe she is fighting her own demons .. like you do.. but you don't know it.. She's awesome.. perfect.. she likes you a lot.. be strong, be confident.. otherwise you'll eventually lose her.. Even if you feel depressed, overwhelmed by her 'perfectness' lol.. DON'T... I repeat DON'T show it.. Lack of confidence is a huge turn-off.... don't let it show..
Author LoneWolfie Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 OK.. you see her as the perfect girl.. blablabla.. she probably is.. to your eyes.. but maybe she is fighting her own demons .. like you do.. but you don't know it.. She's awesome.. perfect.. she likes you a lot.. be strong, be confident.. otherwise you'll eventually lose her.. Even if you feel depressed, overwhelmed by her 'perfectness' lol.. DON'T... I repeat DON'T show it.. Lack of confidence is a huge turn-off.... don't let it show.. Yeah i get it, thanks.
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