SweetyBear Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I have not been able to be too upset with my ex for basically ignoring me/stringing me along for the past three months since our breakup. I did the breaking up. That's why I have felt I had to, over and over again, accept any kind of behavior out of him and just hope he would open his heart to having a chance at reconciliation. On Saturday, I decided enough is enough. The ball is in his court now. He knows how I feel. He knows I am sorry, what I feel I did wrong and that all I wanted was for us to sit down and talk about it. I have texted, called, emailed and even sent a regular snail mail letter to him. Nothing matters. It leads me to believe that maybe the breakup wasn't as hurtful to him as he led me to believe. Maybe he was more than a little relieved and that's why he will make no real effort at all. At the same time, he will call or text every once in a while, giving me hope, but then doesn't follow through with our plans to sit down and talk. I am finally sick of it. I have my issues, but after reading on LS about the cheating, vindictiveness and just vile behavior of some people in relationships, I am convinced that there's nothing about me that should be so offputting. I am ready to move on and call it a lesson learned. Should he contact me in the future, I am still very interested in hearing what he has to say. I really would like to know for sure what the deal was, but I am not obsessed with knowing anymore. I am more than ready to move past the pain of all of this without ever knowing if that's what it takes.
bluewolf17 Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Hi Sweetybear. I have been paying attention to your posts since our storys are similiar. I too was strung along (6 months) hoping my ex would want to try after I broke up with him. I actually hung out with him many times and did get to talk, he just never game me a solid yes or no. Just enough to keep me around and still single. While I feel bad that you are shouldering so much blame in the break up; if this is how he is acting now, it would have happened anyways, you know? You can't blame yourself for everything that happend. I too felt I had to put up with flakieness and rude behavior by my ex-but you don't! I actually told him 3 times it was all or nothing, then I would go NC, and he would draw me back in. Three times! 6 months. Take it as a warning. Don't be me. You have drawn your line. Keep the boundries! The last thing you want is to look back and say "I should have let it go sooner". It's emberassing how long I waited. If he will come around, he will, regardless if you are there holding a candle outside his window It might be better that your not around. Let him miss you, and just accept that it may not happen. The sooner the better. Bluewolf17
kizik Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I did the breaking up. I think the unfortunate and sad truth is that if you did the breaking up, you cannot, in any reasonable world, expect the guy to want to be back with you. You hurt him, betrayed his trust, kicked him out the door and now you expect him to allow you back into his life, just so you can maybe do it all over again in 6 months once the new honeymoon has worn off? Think about it. No way in hell you would allow someone back after that. You'd be hurt, angry, sad, confused. He's doing the smart thing, IMO, by letting you know he won't put up with your mistreatment. He knows if he takes you back, you'll do it all over again when you have a bad day. And I don't blame him at all for avoiding you. Look at yourself. What are you going to do to appreciate the next person you're with? Let this be a lesson to care more about others' emotions. It leads me to believe that maybe the breakup wasn't as hurtful to him as he led me to believe. Maybe he was more than a little relieved and that's why he will make no real effort at all. Exactly wrong. It hurt him more than you're willing to admit, because if you were to actually shoulder the blame for this, you'd have to look at yourself in the mirror. He is protecting himself from you, and rightfully so.
NopeNah Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I think the unfortunate and sad truth is that if you did the breaking up, you cannot, in any reasonable world, expect the guy to want to be back with you. You hurt him, betrayed his trust, kicked him out the door and now you expect him to allow you back into his life, just so you can maybe do it all over again in 6 months once the new honeymoon has worn off? Think about it. No way in hell you would allow someone back after that. You'd be hurt, angry, sad, confused. He's doing the smart thing, IMO, by letting you know he won't put up with your mistreatment. He knows if he takes you back, you'll do it all over again when you have a bad day. And I don't blame him at all for avoiding you. Look at yourself. What are you going to do to appreciate the next person you're with? Let this be a lesson to care more about others' emotions. Exactly wrong. It hurt him more than you're willing to admit, because if you were to actually shoulder the blame for this, you'd have to look at yourself in the mirror. He is protecting himself from you, and rightfully so. I agree 100% Kizik. This is the exact same thing my ex did. I wanted her back at the beginging and she'd have NO part of it. Now She's the one trying to "Have us be happy together forever".. No thanks! Don't really feel like walking around with my guard up in a relationship. I'll pass! NEXT!!
Giha Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 If she wanted me back right after we had broken up, then I'd jump right in. But now I just can't be with someone who made me feel so awful about myself for such a long time. Like P4D said, no one wants to walk around with their guard up in a relationship.
Author SweetyBear Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 If a person that I loved came back to me and told me they were sorry and wanted to talk to me, I would do it. I told him that I'm not asking to come back in his life, but just for a chance to talk to him. He has made plans with me and stood me up 6 times in the past three months.
huck Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Hi SB.. Being a bit lazy here by not looking through your past posts.. But - if he did agree to meet up with you - what are you planning on saying to him??? Huck
Author SweetyBear Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 within days of breaking up with him, I was begging for a chance to talk to him. I made a mistake at 2:00 in the morning. I have been trying to rectify the mistake for 3 months. Clearly, for whatever reason, he's not interested. Thanks for all your theories on why though. It doesn't really matter now does it?
metro Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I'm proud of you Sweetybear for letting it go as hard as it is. but eventually you would get to this stage if the other party doesn't act right.. Maybe one day you will know why he has been so flaky or maybe not but all that matters now is how he's treating you right now which is not too good. I feel what "Kizik" is saying but If your ex feels exactly how Kizik may think he feels. An ex boyfriend who truly loved you & you dumped should & would still give you the respect to say "No I don't want to give you another shot or admit that he's scared that you are flakey" At least he would tell you something concrete on how he's feeling at the moment instead of giving you crumbs & stringing you along. Remember I was dumped the exact way you dumped him & I found Loveshack because I was so hurt..you did the dumping & regretted it & now your on Loveshack..where is he? Is he on here hurting from you dumping him...probably not. Most folks on here dream of their dumpee ex returning to them the way you returned to your ex apologizing the way you did..he now owes you that respect to tell you something even if it's something you don't want to hear..He could even just say "I need a little more time to figure this out." That's a legitimate feeling..how hard is it to tell you that...but standing you up & stringing you along is just bad character..you don't do that to anyone for any reason..so for that alone he's worth moving on from!
huck Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Yer - but what would you say too him??? Im sure you've been in the 'Second Chances' forum. The general concensus is that the only way a dumpee should give the dumper a second chance is if they come back on hands on knees admitting they made a massive mistake by dumping that person etc.. Anything else is just small talk and not worth nadda.. Would you admit this or do you just want to talk/catch up... If he knows you want to get back together and hes messing around hes either out for a bit of payback or unfortunately hes not interested....
Author SweetyBear Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 If he followed through and would talk to me, I would tell him that I love him very much and that I made a mistake breaking up with him and that I want to do everything I can to be in a relationship with him again. I really do love him and I cannot reconcile how he's acting now with who I think he is. So, either I was very wrong about him or he's acting completely out of character. If he's acting out of character because I hurt him and he doesn't trust me, I would ask him if he is willing to see me and work on our relationship. It's not as if it was all roses and I all of the sudden broke up with him. We were having problems up to that point. It's just that after a few days, I really got to thinking we could have worked out our problems. It looks like that's not going to happen though, so now I have to be done with it and move on. I don't know if you guys understand what it's like for a woman to get all excited over the prospect of having her man back or at least having a chance to talk to him and then him just blowing her off--six times. Maybe you think it's warranted since I'm the one who did the breaking up.
Author SweetyBear Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Thanks metro and Bluewolf, I appreciate your support. Huck, All I've been saying to him via phone, text, voicemail, email and snail mail is exactly what you said I should...or what those on LS say a dumper should say. I have been begging for forgiveness. I have been begging for an audience. It's not like it's been two weeks...it's been three months. We are not young either. We're both in our 30s. It's not like this is the first time around for us. No, he shouldn't have to live with someone who makes him keep his guard up. If that's what it's about, I wish he'd told me months ago. He's always acted like sitting down and talking was going to happen though. It's just that after the sixth time, I can't get my hopes up again and go through that again. Now, if he contacts me and says I made a mistake and can we talk, of course I will. It's just that i won't put myself out there anymore. It hurts tremendously.
huck Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Well - your doing what a lot of people on here would dream of happening ( the dumper coming back and saying a big sorry ).. 3 months is a long time thou and for whatever reason hes not having any of it.. Maybe time to let it lie and focus on your own life and move on ( hard i know ).. All the best - Huck
Author SweetyBear Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 ...and moving on is all this is about. I already know how wrong I was. Moving on from the hurt and moving on from needing an explanation is all I'm doing. I hurt him. He hurt me. I guess we're even, huh? Funny, but that's not what I thought love was all about. No, it's not about giving up either, which is essentially what I did, but it's not about getting even with the other person either. Knowing him like I thought I did, I never would have expected this of him. I'd like to know what he's thinking and I'd really like to know if there is anything I could do at this point to fix things, but I'm moving on from that need. I'm not looking for validation or for someone to pat me on the back and tell me I'm right. I'm just like any other person on here who's saying I messed up in a relationship, I've learned from it and I'm going to go forward now.
adamt Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 my ex broke up with me about 7 weeks ago after 3 years. Neither of us have been in contact. I wont contact her as i dont want to risk feeling more hurt again. It hurts that someone can just walk away like that. It goes through your head all the time. I have moments wondering if for half the time in the relationship she was just going through the motions. feels sad because its as if i never really knew her and she never gave things a chance to get fixed. I have good and bad days. I sometimes think i will just wake up and it was all a bad dream or she will get the bottle to contact me and say she made a mistake. I'm keeping myself busy with gym and catching up with friends but it is hard not to let my mind wander when i have time to myself. It is slowly improving but also frustrating that i want to move on but not there yet. Wish i was in my 20s still so then there are more opportunities to helpmove on. Being 38 and thinking the ex was the one to settle down with, i get moment where i think i will never find anyone else at my age.
sugarmomma Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 SB how long were you guys together? Exactly what kind of problems led to the breakup?
Author SweetyBear Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 We were together about a year and a half. Our issues had to do with his inattentiveness and my insecurity. I'm sure now that we could have met in the middle somewhere if I had given it a chance. I'm not sure how he feels about all of it now. He did seem very hurt, and he's stood me up 6 times when we have been supposed to sit down and talk and work things out. I really don't think he's going to give me a second chance. That's why moving on is not to spite him or anything like that, it's just to respect that he doesn't want to do this again and get on myself. Three months of crying every day is not healthy. I don't mean all day every day, but if I hear a certain song or think of a certain thing.
boldjack Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Sorry if I don't seem too sympathetic to you and BW, but aren't YOU the ones , who ended it? Why would you be angry at your ex for doing what YOU wanted , in the first place? The only person to blame in all of this is the person, who looks back at you in the mirror. Look at it from his point of view. What is to stop this from happening again, if he agrees to get back together? What can you say that can make him trust you again? To cherish his love, like you should have done in the first place? The responsibility for the breakup is yours . Find someone else, and remember this, the next time you have troubles in a relationship. It is always easier to fix a relationship, than it is to try to remake one. Good Luck
bluewolf17 Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Sweetbear, After you broke up with him, how long did it take for you to come back? For me it was three days. And I came back like so many people here wish their ex's would. Breaking the door down, sending emails, texts, calls..you name it I tried it. If you have done all this, and still nothing, then just accept it, stay NC and let it go. Yes you did break up with him first, and you can only try and forgive yourself. If he can't forgive you for making a mistake, then what else can you do? Best of luck to you my dear.
Author SweetyBear Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 I'm not sure, boldjack, how you can read what I've written and think I'm angry with him. I'm not at all. I'm saying that I respect his decision not to allow me back into his life. I'm saying that I regret what I did, learned a big very difficult lesson and am moving on. Sure, there are times when my hurt turns to anger, but if it's at him I know it's misdirected. I want a second chance and he won't give it; therefore, it's time to move on. Have you ever said something rashly that you wish to high heaven you could take back, but you just can't? It's a frustrating place to be. It's frustrating, but it's not that I'm frustrated with him. It's me I'm most frustrated with.
kizik Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I'm not sure, boldjack, how you can read what I've written and think I'm angry with him. I'm not at all. I'm saying that I respect his decision not to allow me back into his life. I'm saying that I regret what I did, learned a big very difficult lesson and am moving on. Sure, there are times when my hurt turns to anger, but if it's at him I know it's misdirected. I want a second chance and he won't give it; therefore, it's time to move on. Have you ever said something rashly that you wish to high heaven you could take back, but you just can't? It's a frustrating place to be. It's frustrating, but it's not that I'm frustrated with him. It's me I'm most frustrated with. Well-said. Goddd it would be nice if my selfish, monstrous ex would ever even THINK like that. Good on you for taking responsibility. You sound like you've learned a lot from this.
Author SweetyBear Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 Bluewolf, for me it was a couple or three days when i went back to him and did all those same things you did to try to make him see how sorry I am. I guess what I wished for was closure. During this three months, he's told me he loves me and that he wants to work it out. It's just not materialized in an actual meeting. The part that hurts and is embarrassing is when you clean up the house, cook a great meal, and light the candles because he says he's coming over to talk all this over with you and he doesn't show and he doesn't call to tell you he's not coming. Multiply that by six. I'm not saying I don't deserve it. I'm saying I finally got the message that I'm supposed to just go now. That's all the closure I'm getting and I'm okay with that now.
Andy L Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 SweetyBear, What's the problem? Did you cheat on him? If so, that's complex to your ex-partner working with that.. If NOT, of course you can to keep on trying to get him back. And i think you will get him soon. Good luck!
Author SweetyBear Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 Nope, no cheating involved at all. He was spending all his time working and I got very insecure and thought he didn't care about me/prioritize me anymore. I ended it one night in the middle of the night when he called me at 2 a.m. That's why I think if we could sit down and talk things out we could each understand the other better, but for whatever reason, he won't do it. I know you're trying to be nice saying I'll have him back soon, but I really don't think so. I would love to talk to him, but I have to move on knowing I'll probably never have that chance.
boldjack Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 SB, Maybe you aren't angry with him, but there is some resentment towards him, for not allowing you to explain. I have been in the same boat and fully realize that it can be very frustrating, especially if you now are more aware of the depth of your feelings toward him. I think that he is aware of your regret for breaking up, but that isn't really the issue, is it? The issue is trust. What's to stop you from doing this again, the next time you get angry with him, if he were to give you a second chance? What can yoiu say or do to prove that you are trustworthy? I'm looking at this from his point-of-view, you understand. I think you would be wise to mark it down as lesson learned, and give him some space. If he has feelings, he will contact you. For you to continue to try, is only making it worse. NC is your best bet.
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